"Macoroni Macoroni Macoroni Macoroni put cheese in the middle and what do you get? Macoroni Macoroni Macoroni Macoroni....." A Klay man (from hot dog job.)
"Help I'm stuck in the VCR." A different Klay man (from help im stuck.)
"Its not a monster or a boogie man It's a boogie monster." Another Klay man.(From Boogie monster.)
"If I had a dollar for every brian you didn't have I'd have one dollar." Dunno where I got this one.

Here's some quotes I got from listening to the comedy station on XM radio.

Fat guy: Standing in line at Disney world to ride Tower of Terror.
Kid 1: Did ya see that?
Kid 2: Yeeeah.
Kid 1: He's huuuge.
Kid 2: I think he ate Mickey.
Kid 1: But ya know what? I don't care if he's fat. I'm sitting next to him.
Fat guy: Thinking. Aww...
Kid 2: Whyyy?
Kid 1: Becaaause...it'll go really fast.

Fat guy: Drives up in new car.
Friend: Heeey, it's the fat and the furious!
Fat guy: ...... Drives off.

Fat guy: Goes to Chinese restaurant grand opening.
Chinese man: We not open!
Fat guy: What do you mean 'not open'? It says grand opening!
Chinese man: No, we do drycleaning now! Leave shirt, come back Friday!

Chinese man: I give him enough MSG to kill elephant! He still coming!

-----

Guy: I am not a handyman. You leave me alone in a garage with tools, come back in an hour and find my lying in a pool of my own blood.

-----

Teacher: Okay. You must wear these tags so if you're burned beyond recognition we'll be able to identify your bodies.

-----

And a few from Galaxy Quest since I love that movie.

Alex: I'm not going out there and nothing you say can make me.
Jason: The show much go on.
Alex: ......Damn you.

Jason: Rolling around.
Gwen: How does the rolling help, actually?
Jason: It helps.
Gwen: Where's your gun?

Jason: I heard something. A squeal.
Gwen: Oh no. Everything's fine.
Teb: But...the animal is inside out.
Jason: I heard that! It's INSIDE OUT!
Pig: Explodes.
Teb: And it exploded!
Jason: What? Did I just hear that It came back INSIDE OUT, and then it
EXPLODED? Hello?
Gwen: Hold please.

Alex: Fred's no good, Jason. You're going to have to kill it
Jason: KILL IT? Well I'm open to ideas!
Tom: Go for the eyes. Like in episode 22.
Jason: It doesn't have eyes.
Tom: The throat, the mouth. Its vulnerable spots.
Jason: It's a ROCK. It doesn't HAVE vulnerable spots!

Gwen: Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!

Fred and alien are making out.
Guy: Oh, that's not riiight.

someone wanted the whole of this one so:

"disturb not the harmony of fire, ice or lightning lest these titans wreak destruction upon the world in which they clash. though the great guardian shall arise to quell the fighting, alone its song will fail and thus the earth shall turn to Ash." Pokemon 2000

"James: wow, she has fire in her eyes!
Meowth: Yeah! and in her hair too!" Pokemon episode when they go to pokemon tower.

While talking to my cousin who knows no online phrases or leet:
cousin: I wish pokemon were real.
me: yeah, i'd have an amphoros and totally own you
cousin: how would you own me? you can't own somebody coz they're their own person.

"PIE YOU!" my sister

"wakka wakka!" from Starcraft minigame "wakka wakka"

"i finally had some sense knocked into me and i've got the lump to prove it." simba from the lion king

"housemaster, i just wanted to say...STOP THROWING YOUR GARBAGE ON MY LAWN!
bleep you Joe, where I sposed to put my garbage?
anywhere but my lawn, considering i live like what, 12 miles away?" from arfenhouse

"you think he's trying so hard coz he wants to save the world? No! It's coz he's a simple fool who doesn't know any better!" Popka from klonoa 2 lunatea's veil.

"doff is bliss" (ignorance is bliss) my best friend's mom

"sonic: tails, why is the room full of chao?
tails: oh! i saw them at the pet shop and they all looked so sad so i decided to take them home with me! i mean, you do know what happens when nobody takes them right?
sonic: yeah, they get sent off to a happy little garden where they live a thousand times more comfortably than they ever could in this house.
tails:...you just don't understand!" from sonic uncut

"you have soiled my honour!
you have broken my honor!
you have no honour!
you spelled honor like a brit!" from Tiny Plaid ninjas.

and my all time favourite:

"THE TIME HAS COME! the walrus said, TO SPEAK OTHER THINGS! OF SHOES AND SHIPS AND SEALING WAX AND CABBAGES AND KINGS! AND WHILE THE SEA IS BOILING HOT AND WHEN THE PIGS HAVE WINGS, CALLOOH! CALLAY! NO WORK TODAY FOR CABBAGES AND KINGS!" lewis carol


i got loads more but i can't think of them now.

Here's one of my favourite quotes,, this quote is funny, (Well I find it funny anyway) This below is an Audio Log from the game Doom 3: 'Audio log for Kyle Berger'
I know it doesn't sound that funny just reading it, but when you hear it being said in the game it sounds hilarious, because the guy who's speaking sounds like he doesn't give a damn about the guy he's talking about (click to enlarge):

Red Dwarf - Quarrantine

Lister is talking to Rimmer who has a Holovirus. He is keeping them in a quarrantine room without oxygen for a whole hour. Here's the conversation:

"Well we've passed the test Rimmer, you can..Let us out"

"I can't let you out"

"Why not?"

"Because the King of The Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees, and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for 10 years."

"Can we see him?"

"See who?"

"The king"

"Do you have a magic carpet?"

"Yeah, little three seater!"

"So let me get this straight, you want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of The Potato People, and you're telling me you're completely sane???"

Some more.

"It's not cheating, it's creative problem solving." -Cat, from CatDog.

"My spider sense is tingling!" -Spiderman.

"Stop being stupid." -Yours truely.

EDIT: Even more.

"I will burn you to a cinder!" -Panik, from the Yugioh anime.

"Just two turns. Can you last just two turns?" -Yami-Yugi, from the Yugioh anime.

"Kamooga du shmupple." -Ned Bigby, from Ned's Declassifyed School Survival Guide.

"*Toots through plastic trumpet 4 times rapidly* I have no hair!" -Colin Mochre, from Whose Line.

"Pikachu!" -Pikachu, from the Pokemon anime.

I couldn't find it to show you, so I'll just tell you:

Dilbert: "I'm having a job intervew. Wish Me Luck!"
(this is my favorite quote:) Dogbert: "no. if I wish you luck there might not be enough left for me." (quote)
Dilbert: "I don't think it works that way."
Dogbert: "I can't Take that chance"
(Dilbert does absolutly miserable at intervew and comes home)
Dogbert (surrounded by money): "I won the Lottory!"
Dilbert: "I hate you."

That or: "If you only knew the power of the Dark side."

The Simpsons

Marge: "Uh-Oh looks like some bad eggs are cooking up trouble"

Homer: "Mmmmmm bad eggs"

Here's one I like

"Wrath of Khan, The Bible, what's the difference?"-Stan, South Park

I just thought it was funny, no offense though.

" There is no good and evil, just people who seek power and those to weak to seek it."Voldemort.<gotta love his exuse for not being evil

The Simpsons:
Snake: "Keep driving or I'll pistle whip you."
Homer: "Pistle whip?" *Day Dreaming (Eating Cool Whip with a pistle)* "Mmmmmmm..... Pistle Whip."

Family Guy:
*At a Fast Food Place drive through while Louis' sister is about to give birth*
Peter: "Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers."
Louis: "My God, Peter she's having a baby!"
Peter: "Oh, and a Kid's Meal."

Red Vs. Blue

Grif: *To Donut* "There's something on your neck." *There is a gernade on his neck*
Donut: "Eeck, get it off. Is it a spider?"
Grif: "No, it's blue."
Donut: "Is it a blue spider?"
Grif: "No, it's fuzzy and making hissing noises."
Donut: "That doesn't sound much better than the spider."

*Donut comes in his new pink armor*
Grif: "Your armor is pink."
Donut: "It's not pink, it's lightish red."
Grif: "Well they aready have a colour for lightish red. Know what it's called, PINK."

A great South Park quote:

*a fart is heard*
"Somebody's baking brownies" - Eric Cartman

There is a great Fast Show quote, from Swiss Toni i like, but it could offend some so PM me if you want to know it.

Red Dwarf: Legion

Rimmer: Go to blue alert!
Lister: theres no-one to alert! we're all here!
Rimmer: I know but I'd be more comfortable knowing that everyone is on their toes because they know this is a blue alert situation!
Lister: Fine go to blue alert!
*Kryten presses button and a wooden box on the wall with blue text saying "alert" lights up*
Rimmer: finally...... a bit of professionalism!
Lister: we being targeted, I think its a missle lock!
Rimmer: GO TO RED ALERT!
Kryten: are you absolutely sure sir....... it does mean changing the bulb!


"Sith happens"-The Sunday Mirror (a newspaper)

"Its true...... blondes really do have all the fun"-Dr.Neo Cortex-Crash Twinsanity

this one is from Family Guy
Peter-"I hate myself"
Suck Up-"I hate you too you make me sick you fat sack of crap!"

*Marching band playing loudly in background*
Me-"no-ones listening to them"
Kryten-"listening to who?"

"there is a thin line between Genius and Insanity and that is measured only by success"-Elliot Carver-James Bond: Tomorrow Never Dies

"If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can ever Imagine"-Ben Kenobi-Star Wars Episode 4

"If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst at once into the sky that would be like the splendor of the Mighty One... I have become Death, the Shatterer of Worlds."- James. Robert Oppenheimer-Father of the A-bomb

"Did he just pull a gun out of his arse?"-Raif-Mind Hunters

This one if from Everybody Loves Raymond-

Cop: "You have the right to remain single, anything you say can and will be used against you in a Church of God, if you do not have a husband one may be provided for you"

Lisa: "What are you talking about?"

Cop: [to other cop] "She's not getting it"

Also there is another one but it is too explicit to post, please PM me if you want to know it.

I got another Simpsons

Millhouse: Skinned elbows sweet time to collect some pity rewards WAHHHHHHHH MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs home*

Another good 'un:
Me: *freinds name goes here* , Youre an idiot.
Or...
Me: *points to freind as joke* El stupido! (you're stupid)

-Gardevoir~

I actually keep a list of these which is far longer:

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen

He who is without sin may cast the first stone.
- Jesus Christ

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
- Joseph Baretti

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just.
- Abraham Lincoln

Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired.
- Robert Frost

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.
- Dag Hammarskjold

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.
B. F. Skinner

Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good, but when it's bad, it's still pretty good.
- Anonymous - I found this on a quotations website... pretty funny to me.

...and of course my sig, which happens to be my favourite, said by Mohandas Gandhi.

*edited out*

*edited out*

[color = Jeopardy] What is a lot? [/ color]

Everybody Loves Raymond:

Robert: "That's Wack!"
Ray: "Now that's what I'm talking about. We're Itailian, that means something different to us."

The Simpsons:

Patty: "Hmmm... Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?"

Selma: "When will you wake up and smell your husband?"

C.M. Burns: "One dollar for eternal happiness? I'd be happier with the dollar."

Carl: "Everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils." & "It's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer really that lazy, bold, and fat? *Everyone cries* This is why I don't talk much."

Lenny: "Ahh... My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!"

Apu: "One twenty-nine cent stamp? That's a dollar eighty-five."

Bart: "I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try."

Homer: "You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is never try."

"One in four people is mentally unstable. Think of three friends. If they seem OK, it's you." - Random fridge magnet

"I'm not a girl! I'm Sophie!" - My (slighty dense) friend.

"Dull women have imaculate houses" - Another fridge magnet

Teacher: If you had one dollar, and you're father gave you another dollar? How much money would You have?
Boy: Nothing.
Teacher: You dont know you're math.
Boy: You don't know my father.

I almost forgot the best quote ever:

"You no take candle!"