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 This is my first Story so............. 
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Pokemon Ranger
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This is my first so please provide some constrictive critsim, in other words, good and bad comments and this story has nothing to do with Pokemon.
So here it is.

______________________________________________________________
Chapter 1

It was just another average school day for Aidan Rood. Aiden was a tall, smart and handsome boy whose many interests included games, computers, and most importantly girls. Just as he started to read Romeo & Juliet, his teacher shouted” Aidan go to the Principal’s Office.” “Now” . Aidan quickly rushed out of the classroom and shut the door, but as soon as he shut the door, the floor beneath him opened up and swallowed him.

A few moments later, he woke up on a huge red leather sofa. Aiden felt dizzy, it was just like he had just had brain surgery, due to the fall.”Oh, my head” exclaimed Aiden.
“Hello. I’m Agent X” said the man gruffly; he was wearing a black suit which he wore with a small black tie and a white shirt.
“You Guys and your names” said Aiden sarcastically.”Where’s John?”
“I’m here, Aiden. You may go Agent X” replied John. John was a bald, tall and thin man, he was wearing an old grey suit with a ripped black tie. He was also drinking some tea or coffee it was difficult to tell witch one he was drinking. Although Aiden knew he had a taste for tea.
Then Agent X rushed quickly out of the room as if he had something important to do. “Now”. Then he took a small pause.”Aiden, I need you to do something for me”


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:32 pm, edited 7 times in total.



Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:41 am
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Roar Of Time wrote:
This is my first so please provide some constrictive critsim, in other words, good and bad comments and this story has nothing to do with Pokemon.
So here it is.


Chapter 1

IIt was just another average school day for Aidan Rood. Just as he started to read Romeo & Juliet, his teacher shouted” Aidan go to the Principal’s Office.” “Now” . Aidan quickly walked out of the classroom and shut the door, but as soon as he shut the door, the floor beneath him opened up and swallowed him.

NOTE- this is just part of the first chapter I will continue it after some comments


Please, take more than thirty seconds to come up with a story, we don't know anything about Aidan, let alone what he looks like. You could of wrote, "A boy opened a door and fell down a hole." And you be in the same place.


Sun Oct 21, 2007 6:00 am
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Sparrow wrote:
Roar Of Time wrote:
This is my first so please provide some constrictive critsim, in other words, good and bad comments and this story has nothing to do with Pokemon.
So here it is.


Chapter 1

IIt was just another average school day for Aidan Rood. Just as he started to read Romeo & Juliet, his teacher shouted” Aidan go to the Principal’s Office.” “Now” . Aidan quickly walked out of the classroom and shut the door, but as soon as he shut the door, the floor beneath him opened up and swallowed him.

NOTE- this is just part of the first chapter I will continue it after some comments


Please, take more than thirty seconds to come up with a story, we don't know anything about Aidan, let alone what he looks like. You could of wrote, "A boy opened a door and fell down a hole." And you be in the same place.



Ok I'll complete the chapter and I'll add some info about Aiden


Sun Oct 21, 2007 6:30 am
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Welcome to the Library. I'm happy to say you're already on my good side for using proper grammar, congratulations. With the greeting over shall we move on?

It seems like this will be an original story (i.e. not fan based), which I always like. In the beginning you're doing a bit of lecturing, which is fine. In a story there will always be a percentage, hopefully small, of description and lecture. Make sure it's absolutely necessary though.

You have him reading Romeo and Juliet and it doesn't seem to be fore any reason. Is it during class and the teacher told them to read a bit independently before going over it? Small grammar error here:
Quote:
Just as he started to read Romeo and Juliet, his teacher shouted, "Aidan, go to the Principal's office, now."

Don't forget to italicize or underline titles, while neither is incorrect people prefer italics. On hard copies they used underlining, since you can't really italicize when you're hand writing something, but as technology improved and more people have access to computers the standard has changed. No big deal, just for future reference.

Whenever you're trying to say someone spoke, you should put the pronoun or proper noun in front of the verb. The other way is seen as old fashioned and awkward now-a-days. Now, I may not have noticed this in your writing if I weren't looking for issues, but I was.

He woke up in a sofa? That's unique, how did he get made into a sofa? That question aside, keep an eye on your word choice. It should have been "on" not "in."

After this, things seem a little rushed. Your Agent X fellow has randomly appeared to your reader, even though he may have been present prior to Aidan's. The way you've written it implies that we, the readers, should know who he is already. You capitalized "guys" when you shouldn't have.

I'm not really fond of the way you introduced Agent X anyway. It's a little too abrupt. Before I forget, why does Aidan's head hurt? Did he hit his head at some point?

I like John's quirk about tea but I think you could have written the sentence before we find out why Aidan knows it's tea better. The last sentence is a bit awkward, here's another way of writing it:

    "Now," John began solemnly. There was a small pause as he collected his thoughts. "Aidan, I need you to do something for me."

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Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:51 am
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Thx Sparrow and Crimson for ur comments.

Now I'll begin on Chapter 2
Here it is Enjoy!!!!!!!!!
______________________________________________________________

Chapter 2 One More

“What do you want me to do now?”
“Ok, well. I wonder if you could do one more mission before you leave the KSF.”
“No Way” said Aiden moving his hand in disagreement.”We both agreed that I would do no more missions, remember I’m giving up the spy business.”
“Just one more, please, ooh come on. I am begging you” said John, on his knees.
“Oh ok, then” replied Aiden in guilt.
“Yes, I knew you would” said John triumphantly” Good I’ll start briefing you now”.
“What do you want me to do now?”
“Ok, well. I wonder if you could do one more mission before you leave the KSF.”
“No Way” said Aiden moving his hand in disagreement.”We both agreed that I would do no more missions, remember I’m giving up the spy business.”
“Just one more, please, ooh come on. I am begging you” said John, on his knees.
““What do you want me to do now?”
“Ok, well. I wonder if you could do one more mission before you leave the KSF.”
“No Way” said Aiden moving his hand in disagreement.”We both agreed that I would do no more missions, remember I’m giving up the spy business.”
“Just one more, please, ooh come on. I am begging you” said John, on his knees.
“Oh ok, then” replied Aiden in guilt.
“Yes, I knew you would” said John triumphantly” Good I’ll start briefing you now.Sit down. Oh, right you’re already sitting down aren’t you?”

“What do you think?” said Aiden quietly.
“Let’s get to business then, now your mission is a protection job” exclaimed John professionally.
“What, what a protection job can’t your agents handle it?” said Aiden angrily.
“All our other agents are busy, besides you’re the best man or should I say the best boy for the job. If you don’t mind me saying”.
“Well thanks for saying I am the best man for the job.” said Aiden proudly “What about Agent X?
“He’s busy” said John.”Anyway let’s get back on track.”
“Your mission is high priority one; your mission is to protect the Princess of France” said John proudly with prestige.”We believe a gang of highly professional criminals are after her. You must protect her at all costs.”
“So, I have to protect some brat” said Aiden with great distastefulness.
“Yes” replied John firmly.”Now, she is staying at the Grodno hotel, she is visiting the UK for a holiday. Oh, and take this.” John gave Aiden a wrist watch; well it looked like a wrist watch, but Aiden knew it was more than that, much more.
“What it is, dare I ask?” asked Aiden.
“Well it’s got a phone, a satellite TV and a radio.”
“Huh, well that’s cool” said Aiden in glee.
“Well Ta-ta” said John.
“What?” asked Aiden.
A large glass tube came down from the ceiling and came crashing on Aiden. Aiden was trapped in the glass tube. He started banging his knuckles on the glass but before he could say anything he was instantly whisked away. Before he knew it he was on a cold, hard, concrete floor. A few metres he could see the Grodno Hotel.


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:33 pm, edited 5 times in total.



Sun Oct 21, 2007 9:03 am
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Crimson wrote:


He woke up in a sofa? That's unique, how did he get made into a sofa? That question aside, keep an eye on your word choice. It should have been "on" not "in."

After this, things seem a little rushed. Your Agent X fellow has randomly appeared to your reader, even though he may have been present prior to Aidan's. The way you've written it implies that we, the readers, should know who he is already. You capitalized "guys" when you shouldn't have.

I'm not really fond of the way you introduced Agent X anyway. It's a little too abrupt. Before I forget, why does Aidan's head hurt? Did he hit his head at some point?



Let me answer those questions, He is in a sofa because the floor opened up and it led to a sofa which Aiden landed in and the reason that his head hurts is that as soon as he landed on the sofa he had a short dizzy spell(which gave him a headache)from the fall through the floor.

And yes, Agent X was there waiting for Aiden to come


Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:58 am
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You misunderstood. I'm trying to get you to see that the reader doesn't know why Aiden's head hurts. You have to show the reader why his head hurts, not let them wonder if they're implying correctly. I actually implied incorrectly, I had thought he had landed on his head. I realize that he fell through the floor and landed on a sofa. Think about it. If you were to trip and fall you wouldn't say you fell into the ground, you would say you fell onto the ground.

And I implied that Agent X was there before Aiden, that doesn't change the fact that the way it was written didn't explain his sudden appearance. And if you're planning something with Agent X you need to do a little more with him. The reader isn't going to remember Agent X 10 chapters from now.

You know what's happening without a doubt because it's in your head, the reader only has what you give them.

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Sun Oct 21, 2007 11:59 am
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Crimson wrote:
You misunderstood. I'm trying to get you to see that the reader doesn't know why Aiden's head hurts. You have to show the reader why his head hurts, not let them wonder if they're implying correctly. I actually implied incorrectly, I had thought he had landed on his head. I realize that he fell through the floor and landed on a sofa. Think about it. If you were to trip and fall you wouldn't say you fell into the ground, you would say you fell onto the ground.

And I implied that Agent X was there before Aiden, that doesn't change the fact that the way it was written didn't explain his sudden appearance. And if you're planning something with Agent X you need to do a little more with him. The reader isn't going to remember Agent X 10 chapters from now.

You know what's happening without a doubt because it's in your head, the reader only has what you give them.


Oh, I get u in the 1st Chapter I've added in a part about Aidens head


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Oct 21, 2007 12:07 pm
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I'll start Chapter 3 tommorrow all I can say is that it will be a bit funny :lol:


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:35 pm
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Chapter 1:

One thing you should work on is "Show don't tell". Instead of describing Aiden's personality and physical characteristics, show us these through his actions. For example:

He stared at a group of girls as they passed him in the hallway.

This shows Aiden's liking of girls without you saying "He likes girls". Apply this to things that happen as well, like you did rather well in his falling through the hole. Telling that would be "He fell through the hole." Boring... but you didn't say that. Yay! Grammar is good, unlike most new writers.

Chapter 2:

Only one problem here: It's all dialog. Most all of the chapter is the two people talking. Instead, describe their actions that they preform as they speak. That's the only real problem I see with chapter 2.

So, your plot seems like it will become pretty good, just keep those points in mind as you continue.

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Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:54 pm
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Thunder_dude7 wrote:
Chapter 1:

One thing you should work on is "Show don't tell". Instead of describing Aiden's personality and physical characteristics, show us these through his actions. For example:

He stared at a group of girls as they passed him in the hallway.

This shows Aiden's liking of girls without you saying "He likes girls". Apply this to things that happen as well, like you did rather well in his falling through the hole. Telling that would be "He fell through the hole." Boring... but you didn't say that. Yay! Grammar is good, unlike most new writers.

Chapter 2:

Only one problem here: It's all dialog. Most all of the chapter is the two people talking. Instead, describe their actions that they preform as they speak. That's the only real problem I see with chapter 2.

So, your plot seems like it will become pretty good, just keep those points in mind as you continue.


Later in the story I am planning to comment on Aiden interest with girls

So now I am going to start Chapter 3 Here its is!!!!!:-

________________________________________________________
Aiden stood up. “Stupid transporter” he said while brushing off the dirt from his T-shirt. Aiden walked slowly to the entrance. He entered the building slowly and quietly. As soon as he walked in there he could see many portraits, old and new. The hotel was alive with classical music. Aiden walked up to reception.
“Hello” said the receptionist.
“Hello, here” Aiden said, while showing the receptionist his ID.
"Oh, Ok. Room 42, floor 2”said the receptionist kindly.
“Thanks” said Aiden kindly.
Aiden walked up the gold plated stairs, he knew they weren’t really gold plated; no hotel would spend their money on gold plated stairs. As he got closer to room 42, the classical music got louder and louder, he thought that sounds like Beethoven. Ah, Beethoven was a great classical music conductor, while he was one of the best ones, but Aiden did not know too much about other aspects of his life.

Aiden was finally there. He wondered what the princess would be like, cute, ugly or a rich brat. He entered the room, the room was alive with classical music, what kind of princess would like classical music.
“Jeeves, please turn down zee music, now!!!”
“Hello” said Aiden
“Hello” said a girl in a white bathrobe holding a toothbrush, in a French accent.”You must be zee nincompop zat my father hired to protect me”
“Excuse me, princess, I need to go outside” said Aiden.
“You may go” said the Princess.
“Thanks”. Aiden walked out and pressed his watch.”John, John, can hear me?”
“Yes, Aiden”
“Can you please tell me why you got me protecting a brat” asked Aiden.
“I already explained to you, why” said John. “Any way I shall be sending another agent to help you with this mission, she will be there in 2 minutes or so, so wait near the entrance for the agent.”
“What?” Aiden asked, but before John could reply he cut himself off.”Grr” thought Aiden because he didn’t need another agent to share the glory, when he his completed the mission.

Aiden decided to take the elevator instead of the stair to get downstairs. He came out of the elevator, Aiden could hear classical music again, it appeared that the princess had started listening again, but this time the music was different, it had a sort of pop-classical music mix. Aiden quickly ran to the entrance and waited outside.
A few minutes later, a black car arrived. Slowly, a tall, thin woman walked out of it. She was strolling towards Aiden, she was a vision of loveliness; a vision of beauty, she was perfect. She was, she was……”Hello, there” said the lady.
“Hello, hello. What’s all this then?” said Aiden staring at her.
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that. What did you say?”
“Oh. Don’t worry about what I said” he said in embarrassment.
“Now, I presume you’re Aiden, aren’t you?” asked the women.
“Err, yeah I’m Aiden” said Aiden.”Eh, how old are you”.
“What?, well I’m 17, which is totally off topic, shall we go inside” said the lady.
“Ok let’s go” said Aiden under his breath” It may just work out I’m 15 and she’s 17.


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:39 am
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Umm I haven't decided on a title for the story, I am thinking' Spy Teen' or 'High School Spy' or 'Teen Spy' . Anyone got any ideas


Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:03 am
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I just reread chapter 2, as I only skimmed it. New problem:

Your first paragraph repeats the exact same thing three times in a row.

Chapter 3

Again, a lot of dialog. Try describing the area more. Describe the view from the hotel room porch. Again, show don't tell, like this:

As he walked up the "gold" stairs, the classical music began to hurt his ears.

See? Don't say what happened, but show it by giving Aiden's reaction. Just be careful that we can still tell what's going on. Here is another example, though not taken from your story:

Tell: Crystal walked through the woods, and was very hungry.
Show: Crystal struggled to move through the seemingly endless forest, her stomach wincing in pain due to the lack of food.

Remember that point, it will make your story way better. Also, try and use strong verbs and nouns. Strong nouns are harder, but make your story a boatload better. If you use strong verbs, adverbs are no longer needed.

Lastly, use the word "said" sparingly.

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Last edited by Thunder_dude7 on Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:37 pm
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Actually, numerous resources have said the opposite about "said." You see, "said" is an invisible word. Other words attract more attention and stop the flow. That doesn't mean you shouldn't use other words, but you should use those only when neccessary or in a place when it won't affect the flow too badly.

Just as Thunder said, there's way to much dialogue. There's more talking than action, which isn't how it should be. Reading a lot of dialogue can get boring, readers may start skimming or skipping dialogue. And of course the same goes for too much description. Aren't reader's fussy? XD

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Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:41 pm
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Meanwhile "said" is basic and generic. I just think you should use good, strong verbs, like "screamed" or "questioned". As long as the word doesn't interrupt the flow, it's fine. But using "said" over and over again just ruins the whole book. At least use "Replied" and "asked" or something like that occasionally.

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Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:41 pm
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Like I said, no pun intended:
Quote:
That doesn't mean you shouldn't use other words, but you should use those only when neccessary or in a place when it won't affect the flow too badly.


The fact that "said" is a generic word is why it's "invisible." While having a strong vocabulary, and being able to use it, is a good thing, but it can get to be a bit much at times. Many times, readers automatically supplement the word "said" into the text; whenever it's not they stop reading to correct themselves and to get back onto their train of thought, thus stopping the flow of the book/story.

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Tue Oct 23, 2007 12:47 pm
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I've never done that... that's odd. I find it very annoying when it uses "said" constantly. I started to read a book once, and it was constantly used the word "said". It showed me the writer had a pretty pathetic vocabulary(later confirmed by those who read the entire book), and I put it back after the first few pages.

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Tue Oct 23, 2007 1:11 pm
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Everything I've read on it encourages the word said more. Here's the link to a writing forum that has at least on thread on the word "said" somewhere. Young Writers Society

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Tue Oct 23, 2007 7:53 pm
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Alright, I'll start Chapter 4 soon. I'll try not to use said THAT much, I'll also try not to use much dialog, maybe two words of speech or so and I'll describe the area more alright. Before I start writing, anything else to add?

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Wed Oct 24, 2007 9:52 am
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You're still saying "said blank" or "said the blank," switch it around and that's about it.

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Wed Oct 24, 2007 10:14 am
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Here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
_________________________________________


Aiden and the lady were finally upstairs in the Princess room, they were awaiting the arrival of a limo. Beep Beep went something, it was Aiden’s watch.
“Hello” Aiden said.
“The cab is waiting outside” John said.
“Oi, Princess, let’s go and you too Elizabeth” Aiden said to the princess and the lady, as he was switching off the phone on his watch and putting on his coat.

They decided to take the elevator since the cab would not be there long. The elevator was a nice bronze finish, it even had some music playing and Aiden could see a touch screen which allowed you to play your favourite tracks. Ding went the elevator, they were there. Aiden, Elizabeth and the Princess went outside to greet the cab.


An old posh-looking man opened the door for the trio. The trio went inside the cab, the cab was more a limo than a cab, it had champagne, a T.V., and it had spacious room. “Coooooooooooolll” Aiden said with almost childish-like glee. The cab was driving along Adams Street; it was a nice, quiet street, where many nice residents lived.

Boom!!!

Before Aiden knew he was on the floor. He woke up. He could hear the sound of an ambulance. He saw the Princess. He rushed to her scene. She was alive. Thank goodness. Then Aiden thought of Elizabeth. Where was she? Was she alright? There she was, she looked helpless. Aiden ran like the wind. She was alright. “Hello, please come, Adams Street” Aiden said into his phone. A dark, black creature appeared a few metres in front of Aiden. He dropped the phone in fear. Smash. The creature was approaching Elizabeth. “Back away, I’ve got a gun.” Aiden shouted. The creature approached faster and faster. He shot the gun in the air two times, soon the creature fled the scene. What was that? Where did it go?

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:32 am, edited 2 times in total.



Fri Oct 26, 2007 1:20 pm
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Roar Of Time wrote:
Aiden and the lady were finally upstairs in the Princess' room, and were awaiting the arrival of a limo. "Beep Beep" went something. It was Aiden’s watch.
“Hello.” Aiden said.
“The cab is waiting outside.” John said.
“Okay, Princess, let’s go. And you too Elizabeth.” Aiden said to the princess and the lady, as he switched off the phone on his watch and putt on his coat.[/color]


GAHHH!!! LINKING VERBS!!!! MY EYES!!!

Sorry for being critical, but saying things like "Was switching" and "was putting" is a big no-no.

You often forget to put periods on your sentences. Please put them there.

You had a run-on sentence, so I split it up.

Always put quotation marks around any sound you specifically quote.

If you aren't done, don't post. Just don't. It makes no sense.

As for content, this needs work. You could just say "They left the hotel room and got into the lemo waiting for them." and you'd be just as good as you are now. Finnish going over the chapter, then post it.

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Fri Oct 26, 2007 2:41 pm
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Oh, ok, sorry!!!!!!

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Sat Oct 27, 2007 7:33 am
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again, sorry for being critical. I just want to help you improve as much as possible, and if I don't point out mistakes, you will likely repeat them.

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Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:22 am
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Chapter 4 is finished now. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy :P . Anyway, guys I dont suppose you could rate my English Homwork. Plz :( :cry: :cry: Plz.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Thu Nov 01, 2007 10:17 am
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