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Fails at life
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Ok befor i get this started there just something i would like to say
1 critisizem go ahead hit me with what you got i am ready
2 i am very hyperactive be careful
3 i suck at grammer as some of you know
4 this is my first fanfic. Bear with me
5 please post as much as you want i can take it. It is apreaciated

Heres the beginning:


In the deep realm of nothingness where no light dare pass. There lay two eggs one shone of rainbow ecsence and another of dark energy darker than anything that can be. There they sat for an eternia and then one day it happened... One hatched.


Tue Jun 19, 2007 12:59 pm
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It's a little too short, um... WAY too short. Also what you said isn't an excuse for poor gramar. 3/10 Sorry, :oops:

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Tue Jun 19, 2007 1:22 pm
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Its okay thats not a chapter its a preveiw of what to come i am editing the real chapter now plus that wasnt meant to be an excuse its a warning thats why i asked for comentary so i can be better at it the real chapter wil be out soon dont worry plus im working from a blackberry now thats hard


Tue Jun 19, 2007 1:29 pm
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sparky the wonder monkey wrote:
Its okay thats not a chapter its a preveiw of what to come i am editing the real chapter now plus that wasnt meant to be an excuse its a warning thats why i asked for comentary so i can be better at it the real chapter wil be out soon dont worry plus im working from a blackberry now thats hard
You're writing with a Blackberry? :shock:

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Tue Jun 19, 2007 1:36 pm
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Yeah i dont own a computer so i write my stories on a blackberry 8703e


Tue Jun 19, 2007 1:41 pm
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Ok heres my first chapter on THE EGG

CHAPTER ONE

Uhh where am i? Who am i? Why am i all wet? What is this place? Its all dark. I don't like dark. Uhh wow finaly, light wait there still nothing, this is terrible hmm i need a place to sleep why am i glowin... UHH. Wow its just like i imagined it its beautiful. I will call it the universe. But i'm so lonely. All i want is a friend . All there is is this egg but it sit there without doing anything. I will have to think this through if all this happens because i want it i have to be careful what i want or i will fill this universe to full it will implode on its self i got it i will create a creature that is wise and i will give the power that i own but but restrained so that this responsibility will be all on my shoulders.

It is beautiful and simple and it will hold the power to create life. But first i need to find the right planet to hold life for a long time. Ahh theres one oh its beautiful. Listen mew i need to stay out of reach. for my power is to great for such a small world to handle therfore you will be in charge of this world. Good bye my son. I am sorry but i will have to erase your memory. You have to learn how to live with your creations in harmony. But the one thing you have to remember is that you are very special you own a power i did not mean to give you. Remember i love you my son.


Noooooooooooooooo! What happened? Oh no i over slept again. Okay okay calm down they probably havent started yet. Umm ill say i got stuck... No no that wont work oh man i'm screwed.
- "hey mew"
- "oh hey riolu, i didnt miss anything did i"? Asked the embarrassed mew.
- oh man you missed it you should have seen it the meteor went by so fast that i could barely see it was awsome"
- oh man did the class notice i wasnt there?
- oh yeah the teacher wanted me give this to you, its a red mark too baad" riolu said with a smirk on his face.
-shut up i didnt oversleep on purpose you- mew got cut off as a rattata came into the hut yelling
Guys come outside alakazam's here and he's hurt
Uh oh riolu and mew said together as they ran outside to see a collapsed alakazam bleeding on the floor.


Tue Jun 19, 2007 2:29 pm
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Congrats on your skill with the Blackberry. Anywho, not bad for your first story. You were doing good with double spacing your paragraphs until after the scene change. I really suggest it, even with the hyphans if you had a whole paragraph after another after another it would get hard to read.

Remember your quotation marks, and try to remember to capitalize names and 'I'. There were various other little things but those were the big ones.

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Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:39 pm
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Thanx Crimson duly noted


Tue Jun 19, 2007 4:48 pm
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Well heres another chapter enjoy

CHAPTER TWO

What happened Alakazam? Asked the very worryed Mew.
-Alakazam squeezed out with the last of his breath "*He's coming for you*" before he fell to the floor. He was dead.

That was the first time little Mew saw someone die and it killed him inside, he couldnt hold the tears, because not only was he dead he was dead because of him, not only that but he didnt have the slightest idea who wanted him in the first place.

"Oh come on Mew" cooed Riolu, "this kind of thing happens all the time."
"That doesnt make it right" cried Mew.
"Oh come on Mew this isn't like you, why are you crying so much?"

"I don't know why" he said still wailing.
I don't understand why I just feel so sad it's so terrible that anyone would do this to anyone."

"But my friend" riolu cooed, this is known as battleing its when pokemon prove there better than the other. They use special moves called techniques. Trust me its natural" Mew being the curious creature he is asked "why don't I have any techniques of my own?"
Riolu looking in disbelief said "where have you been living buddy... Okay look watch carefully."
Mew watched in disbelief as riolu's fist started to glow. Then he ran to a rock and he smashed it as hard as he could.

"Mew was dumbfounded he began thinking "wow could I do that?" Than Mew started to glow.

"Ummm Mew, buddy, are you ok? ARE YOU OK? Riolu yelled at the sleeping creature

"Uuhhh" groaned the sleeping mew.

" He awakens" an ominous voice belows from across the room. How do you feel young one?
Mew looking surprised and very curious askes the revelutionary question "who are you?"
The voice feeling insulted says "well i'm sorry you do not remember me, my name is.....


Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:32 pm
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Please feel free to comment on who the mysterious stranger is or where this story is going . I would like to hear from the people who read (if any) what they think of it


Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:38 pm
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Well it's become obvious noone reads any more so i'll just post this and let you few who do the smart thing and reads have some fun enjoy!

CHAPTER THREE

....Snorlax remember, you don't remember oh well. I guess you wouldn't would you, after all last time i saw you, you were alot older.

"Older?" Mew asked.

"Why yes in fact you were older than me
When i met you in fact. . . I . . ,was...snore

Hey snorlax hey riolu yelled

Hwaah what, where am I


-Your at mews hut
-Mew, where?
-he's right here
-right where?
-RIGHT HERE!!!!!
(And it pretty much goes for a while until)
ok sorry i dont normally take naps.
(Riolu)aren't snorlax's supposed to sleep?
(Snorlax)thats a terrible thing to say, not all snorlax's just sleep yaknow thats just prejudice but getting back on track

This Mew's my Mew but a diferent mew but still the same mew but not really. Snorlax stated like it's obvious.

Let me tell you the story. I was a young munchlax then. Oh yes i was a very handsome munchlax i was. Ok getting back on subject I was walking the roades of craddle pass eating a penpen berry not looking where i was going when i stepped on the tail of a wandering seviper. Now that was my unlucky day because he has just learned rage and boy was he showing it. It was all my fault because again i steped on his tail but just saying that wouldn't calm him down. But before i knew it he started to come after me. But then i tripped and just as all hope was lost there you came. You put up the strongest barrier i've ever seen you then transformed into a seviper yourself an-

"Whoa hold on your'e tellin me that Mew can be reborn when killed AND put up a barrier AND transform?" Asks riolu in disbelief.
"Yes"
-Okay well, lets say mew can learn transform and be reborn and all that stuff, why is he so special?
-i will answer all question's on the way.
-on the way wher-
CRASH!!!
-oh no children run
-i'll hold em off GO
- but i don't want to leave you
-but you must or Alakazam's death is all in vain.
-but..
-you know it must be done.
-HHHRRRRRR-AAAAAH
-snorlax no

"Hahaahhahaha well well well i finally found you. this is to good to be true. Yelled the comanding dusklops. Bahahaha well come with us mew don't worry we won't bite hehehe"

"How could you" yelled the angry Mew

"Because your big freind here has been avoiding us and giving us the slip far to many times and we've had it'' but don't worry he's the least of your problems hissed the dusclops "come with us and every thing going to be all right, don't worry. If you come peacefully you'll make it much easyer for both of us. What do you say?

Ppttuh!!!

You rotten little brat how dare you spit on me! Thats it ghastly's use shadowball

Just then four ghastly's sent out spheres of dark energy at the enraged mew but mew easely dodged the slow shadowballs but riolu wasn't so lucky a shadowball hit him so hard it knocked him out, "RIOLU NOOO!!! He got mad he sent one of his own to his own amazment
Without mew knowing it mew learned Mimic
And as if afraid of losing this power Mew shot out 15 shadowballs at once. Defeat was eminent for the ghastlys.
Mew still wondering how he did all this this who wasn't paying attention never noticed the dusclops going at him.

But just as dusklops neared him he heard a voice yell, SOLARBEAM!!!!
Dusclops was slamed against the wall with the most powerful beam of energy any of them has seen.

" Come on" the battered snorlax yelled and just then snorlax picked the knocked out riolu and the weary mew and then used metranome "EXTREMESPEED!!!! YAAHOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Before they knew it they were in a completely different terrain they have never seen before. There was a mountain as big as the eye can see. There were pokemon bustling around as they scramble at market place. They had everything all different types of berrys resting nicely on a wooden crate. They had hats of all sorts. They had jars and vases of all shapes and sizes and colores you wouldn't believe. They had candy and honey sweets of every type. It was beautiful.. As Mew was looking at everything this kingdom has to offer, asked where they were.

Well we're at the kingdom of cedill. This is your kingdom. See your the reason the this place exists. Because your the king my leige

"The king?"

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Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:02 pm
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Sorry for my comments i have made i realised that i offended people with what i said and that wasnt my intentions and for that i apoligise. For the people i hurt i apoligise expecily for them

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I think i can fly, i think i can fly, i know i can fly WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! .....splat


Last edited by sparky the wonder monkey on Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:20 pm
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Quinntuple Post. dang dude youre gonna get banned like that

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Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:25 pm
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sparky the wonder monkey wrote:
I'M SO UNLOVED!!!!!!!!! NO ONE LOVES ME!!!!! POST SOMETHING ANY THING!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR YOUR UNCARING WORDS OF ADVICE!!!!! Nahh just kidding. Chapter four is coming soon to a theatre near you. Free popcorn with every admission. Hale sparky the wonder monkey.

Exuse me?! I've waited a month without someone rating my story, and it still hasn't been rated. That story is The Destiny of Murkrow, which I temporarly put on hold.

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Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:26 pm
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Again i would like to state i am sorry to everyone who unfortunatly read my post how truly sorry i am

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I think i can fly, i think i can fly, i know i can fly WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! .....splat


Last edited by sparky the wonder monkey on Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Jun 22, 2007 4:53 pm
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Your just messin with us now arent ya

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Fri Jun 22, 2007 4:56 pm
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Let's just see. Post some more i dare you. Commentary would be nice

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I think i can fly, i think i can fly, i know i can fly WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! .....splat


Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:06 pm
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Here's some commentary, cut it out. Yes double posting is 'taboo' on PsyPoke, in the FanFiction forum it's not as enforced. But, that's only because we don't anticipate the author to post without disgression, unlike you. And, you've stretched the page, something most people despise.

Your response to 'luv was unnecssary. Your 'jokes' as you put them come off spoiled. And it makes it sound like you're writing for everyone else and just want to bask in the 'glory' of responses. It's not an endearing light to see someone in.

Sparky wrote:
But you got to admit my way got a reaction from you because it gave you something to talk about. Just wanted to point that out

Indeed it did get a reaction, but you shouldn't want the kind you got. Nor should you have to act so melodramatic and utterly pathetic. And attracting 'attention' to yourself this way will not help anyone comment on your story.

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Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:22 pm
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Keep that up and you can say good-bye to your "story". Read the Forum Rules before posting and stop acting like an idiot: we are already full and sick and tired of these people.

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Last edited by Galar on Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:29 pm
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Ok oK i'll stop I'll admit it was childish. And agian you're write thats not the commentary i was after. I hope you guy's (and the ocasional girls) will forgive me this isn't the rep i want. I'll tone it down and uh crimson what does strtching the page mean?

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I think i can fly, i think i can fly, i know i can fly WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! .....splat


Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:41 pm
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It means, you threw off the layout of the page by using an excessive amount of a certain character. In your case a punctuation mark. It 'stretches' the page so that way you have to scroll horizontally to make sure you see or read everything.

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Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:43 pm
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Ok thank you and i also edited my comments again i apoligise.

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I think i can fly, i think i can fly, i know i can fly WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! .....splat


Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:59 pm
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Okay if anybody is still reading (especially after my little display) i have decided to write another chapter. Enjoy

CHAPTER (uhhh i forget)


"But before we go into that, lets eat."
Mew groanes as snorlax orders three hundred pound of rulu berry's. "Yeah i'm on a diet."
As snorlax finishes two hundred pounds of rulu berries. Riolu finally wakes up.

Riolu are you ok? Mew ask worriedly
Huh?
I asked if you're ok.
Oh i'm fine.....who are you? Riolu asked kind of dazed.
Oh h-he's f-fine. Mew turn's to where the voice comes from but he didn't see him ...over h-here. Where are you? Mew yelled. W-well you w-wouldn't find me looking t-there. Hehehehehe
Mew severly irritated, tried to jump at every sound.
Hm hm hm snorlax chuckled to himself as he watch Mew making a fool of himself.
"He really is completely different since the last time i saw him. He's so playful, not serious at all. Just like a child. Hmmm i guess thats enough time, SPARKY STOP!
Suddenly everything went quiet as a small yellow creature that looked like a chimchar except instead of a small flame for a tail there was a neverending set of sparks of electricity came forth from the bushes.
Hey snorlax i always thought that chimchars were fire types.
Well they are but this ones special, no-one knows where he came from. Or who he is but he's the perfect one to train you.
"To train me?" mew askes surprised.
"Oh no not just you Riolu too"
"Speaking of which... Mew said now remembering what riolu went through looked where riolu once was and to his surprise... He was still there. (Hehehe gotcha). Oh, l-like i s-said he only used a-amnesia he'll b-be okay it'll where off s-soon. In t-the meantime w-well train wit-without him. The small monkey said as he started running toward the startled mew.
"Hey Mew!" snorlax yells from across the field. This is a dodging exercize.
Why arn't you helping me with it? Mew asked out of breath.
"Do i look crazy? I mean look at that monkey go"

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I think i can fly, i think i can fly, i know i can fly WHOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!! .....splat


Wed Jul 04, 2007 12:47 pm
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