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 The Darkness Within Him 
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Pokemon Master
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Okay, this is the sequel to my fanfic "The Final Battle." I didn't intend on writing one, but since everyone wanted one...:P

Link to 'The Final Battle".

EDIT: I've finished this now, so here's the link to the semi-sequel: Origins of The Clone

Anyway, updates may be slow, what with school and all, but here's the first chapter:

Alone, Save for Sirens wrote:

The young trainer carried his first Pokemon out of the lab with a beaming smile on his face. The yellow mouse looked up into its trainers eyes and a spark of electricity flew out of its cheeks with joy, and though the small jolt shocked him, the young trainer enjoyed his Pokemon’s burst of happiness.

The sun beat down on Pallet Town as the young trainer made his way past his house and onto the grassy path that led out of his home town. Pikachu leapt out of his arms and walked beside its new trainer, looking at the world around it with curious, happy eyes. It was then that the new trainer noticed another person, perched high on a rock at the edge of the road, looking up into the sky, an expression of deep thought, stormy on his face.
Yellow wondered if he had been spotted and, deciding that this peculiar figure dressed mainly in red and white was far too lost within his mind to have noticed a passing person, walked on past.

“Kid, do you fancy a battle?”

Yellow stopped and looked back at the trainer. He had jumped from his high perch and now stood on the road, his back to Pallet, facing the nervous new trainer.

Pikachu bounded in front of Yellow, and the young boy agreed. “Okay, but this is my first battle, so I won’t be that good yet!”

The other trainer just smiled, before taking out a Poke Ball and opening it. An Alakazam appeared, and twirled its spoons menacingly. “I’ll begin,” the trainer said, “Alakazam, use Psybeam!”

Yellow hadn’t expected an attack to be ordered so soon, and Pikachu was thrown back in a colourful shower of sparks. “Pikachu, use Thundershock!” The yellow mouse bounced to its feet before firing a round of sparks at Alakazam.

“Psychic.”

The other trainer’s command was executed masterfully as the bolts of electricity rebounded and hit Pikachu.

“Kinesis,” the trainer said, and Alakazam held out its arms. Pikachu was raised into the air and, to Yellow’s horror, the tiny Pokemon was slammed repeatedly into the ground.

“Pikachu! No!” Yellow went to run forward, but the other trainer ordered his Pokemon to stop him.

“Not quite yet,” the trainer said, “I haven’t finished.” Alakazam pushed Yellow backwards with its mind, and continued to pound the electric Pokemon into the floor. The trainer seemed to be in some kind of trance as he watched Yellow’s Pokemon being beaten to death…

“Red!” came a voice. “What on earth are you doing?!” A teenage girl came running down the path, shopping bags in one hand, a Poke Ball in the other. “Wigglytuff! Double Edge!” The round Pokemon flashed into existence and hurled itself at Alakazam, before vanishing inside its Poke Ball again.

Red seemed to snap out of the hypnotic daze he had fallen into. “Daisy, I…”

The girl looked sternly at Red, and then at the Alakazam. Her gaze then softened as she turned to the tearful Yellow. “Recall your Pokemon and take him to the Poke Center. Hurry, it’s weak.” Her glare was poisonous and Red seemed to wither at the sight of it.

“Follow me,” she said, and led Red into Pallet.

<center>**************************</center>

Daisy slammed the cups onto the table, before hurling a saucer onto Red’s tea mat. Despite her evident rage, she couldn’t bare to invite someone into her house without being at the very least adequately hospitable. Her disapproving stare had still not faded, and she glared at Red as she poured his tea into the still-quivering cup. Red thought of remarking on how it was shaking due to her stare rather from being hit so hard, but decided against it. He had heard too many stories of Daisy and her teapot-wielding rages to be that foolish…

“Explain.” Daisy’s words cut through him, and he tentatively picked up the cup.

“Did you hear about my loss with Lance?” he asked first. She nodded, before taking a long draught from her own cup.

“You think that a loss can explain why you feel it necessary to destroy the confidence of new trainers?” she demanded.

He shook his head. “No, it was something else. I didn’t lose because my Pokemon were weak, I lost…I lost because…” He decided to hide his stammer by taking large gulps from the cup.

“Well?” she asked. “What other reason was there?”

Red was unsure if he should go on. But, if he could get help from her…

“Something got inside my mind. I don’t know what it was, but it was in my mind, and it stopped me from commanding my Pokemon.”

There followed a very long silence.

Daisy lowered her cup, and rested it upon her saucer. “I think…” she began, and tipped the teapot up again, refilling her cup. “I think…” Daisy took up her cup and took another drink. “I think…”

”Yes?” Red said impatiently. She threw him another glare.

“I think that you need to get your head examined,” Daisy finally said, a small smile surfacing on her face.

Red put his cup down, a little too vigorously. “You think I’m mad?”

“No, it’s just-“

Red cut across her. “Just what? I’m not insane, I wouldn’t throw a match away like I did against Lance.” He stood up and was making for the door.

Daisy called to him before he left. “Red, I don’t think you’re insane. But I do think you need to really think about your future before you decide that the rest of your life is going to be waiting for weak trainers and pummeling them into the ground.” At this comment, Daisy smiled, almost shyly.

“Thanks Daisy,” Red replied, a small smile crossing his face for the first time that day, and he walked out of the house.

<center>**************************</center>

It was not until Red looked at his watch and saw that the time was quarter past three that he realised how far he had walked. Having been lost in his thoughts, Red had not paid attention to where, or for how long he had been walking, and now he found himself outside a familiar place…

A light smatter of rain pushed Red into entering the Psychic Gym, and the trainer found himself recounting his battle with the Gym Leader all those months ago.
The gym was pitch-black, save for two twinkling lights on the ceiling.

“Have you returned for a rematch?” came a voice. A tall, lean girl stepped out of the shadows, and as she did so, the two lights on the roof grew brighter, illuminating the great arena Red had won his Marsh Badge on.

”I’m afraid not, I came here because…” he stopped. He could hardly say that he had come in because he didn’t want to get wet.

Sabrina smiled at him. “The Psychic Force Gym is always open to those who need shelter…even if it may be because of the weather.” She turned away, putting a hand up to her mouth with a little titter at the fact Red had forgotten her mind reading abilities.

”Actually Sabrina, I do have something to ask of you.” Red followed her across the stadium, and she answered with her back to him.

“What is it you need? You already have my Marsh badge, have you lost it already?”

Red shook his head, and stopped in the middle of the arena. “No. I need you to look into my mind.”

At this, Sabrina halted and turned to face her former challenger. “For what reason?”

“I lost a battle because something entered my head, and stopped me from winning. I need to know what it was, because I need to get rid of it in order to become stronger.”

Sabrina nodded slowly. “I see…though what you are talking of sounds like a form of malicious possession…who were you fighting?”

Red didn’t think the question necessary, but answered it regardless. “Lance, Fourth of the Elite Four.”

She frowned and shook her head. “He isn’t a known psychic, and even if he was, he has enough power to win battles without the use of tricking the opponents. Come here.”

Red walked up close to her, and she put her hands on top of his head, palms facing down.

”Now think about the moment when you felt yourself drift, when the entity took your mind…” her voice was soothing, and Red found no trouble in finding the very second that the laughter had first entered his head.

At that moment, a series of images flashed through Red’s mind. An explosion of fire, a candle, burning so quickly that the wick was melting before his very eyes, a shadow, looming over a company of three, a blinding light, and finally, a piercing line of blue. Red could not make out the source, but he had no time to analyse it; Sabrina yelled, and her voice pitched to a scream as she fell backwards.

The force of her flying back made Red fall too, and he scrambled up, before helping his friend up.

“Don’t touch me! Please, you cannot!” She pushed his hands away, and pulled herself up.

“What?!” Red demanded. “What was it you saw?”

Sabrina surveyed Red with fearful eyes. “I…I cannot say. To do so might invoke its presence here.”

Red’s hands flew to his head, and he looked up at the ceiling in desperation. “Why the hell not?!” he half yelled.

Sabrina had a pained expression on her face. “I’m so sorry, but I cannot say its name. All I can do is tell you where you may find your answers. Mount Silver, just west of the Indigo Plateau.” She shook her head. “I am truly sorry that I cannot help you further.”

At that, she turned and half-walked, half ran to the other side of the arena, before vanishing through a door at the end.

The lights faded, and Red was left alone in the dark.


Yeah, sorry about the length. :P

Feedback is more than welcome!

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Last edited by The Obsidian Wolf on Fri Dec 21, 2007 8:53 am, edited 2 times in total.



Tue Apr 17, 2007 1:23 pm
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OMG, nice! Red still is possessed by a creature that you dare not speak its name...so fearful even Sabrina couldn't say anything. And how he was about to kill Pikachu without even saying 10 words after the battle started... Nice.

--/10 (There is not a number I can think of high enough).

- DNA

PS:

(Despite her [Daisy's] evident rage, she couldn’t bare to invite someone into her house without being at the very least adequately hospitable.)
Technically it's "bear", not "bare", but that took me a while too.

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Tue Apr 17, 2007 1:42 pm
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your story is like coffee, very addictive... Its great, write it faster Obs, I DEMAND it! 5/5, woot!

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Last edited by PokemonTrainer_Alex on Tue Apr 17, 2007 3:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Apr 17, 2007 2:40 pm
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Heh, I should have known DNA was going to be the first to post here...;)

Thanks for the feedback peeps. I might get a chapter on before Saturday, but even that is a stretch...*stupid Homework...*

And Red isn't posessed by the creature still, just....tainted. More will be revealed later though. :)

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Tue Apr 17, 2007 2:59 pm
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I was on a different forum and I saw the words Fanfic and I came rushing here because of what you said. :P

Possessed? Nothing a self-induced coma can't handle X(

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Tue Apr 17, 2007 5:51 pm
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The Obsidian Wolf wrote:
Heh, I should have known DNA was going to be the first to post here...;)

Thanks for the feedback peeps. I might get a chapter on before Saturday, but even that is a stretch...*stupid Homework...*

And Red isn't possessed by the creature still, just....tainted. More will be revealed later though. :)


Thanks for thinking of me that way, Obsidian Wolf.
I wouldn't miss your story for the world my friend, it's the best thing I've ever read that isn't mine (well, I really can't judge my own work can I?). I would like you to comment on my story (there's a link in my sig), as I'd like to see what you think of the Epic of Torchic. (It may take you a while; I've already posted 33 chapters.) Still I would like some feedback from someone...I barely get any at all.
BTW what does 'peeps' mean?

- DNA

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 8:57 am
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wow.....seriously wow.....Obs this is amazing! I really get a feel for the characters and the surroundings. Despite this, I still want to carry on reading....it's not a boring fanfic....I'd have to give it 10/10...waiting for the next installment!!!


Wed Apr 18, 2007 1:09 pm
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DNA: Sure, I'll read your fic, but it may take me a while. 33 Chapters sounds like a lot! :P And peeps is the word I use when talking to many people, as some would say 'guys,' or 'dudes' when talking to a group. ;)

DS: You don;t have long to wait: here's Chapter 2.

I haven;t read over this one, so mistakes are probable. (I don't actually have time, my dad wants me to go to sleep. :P)

The Different Shades of Blood wrote:

low, to say the least. He had wandered west, reaching the Indigo Plateau in the early hours of morning. Darkness, however, remained.

Mt. Silver was his destination. Sabrina had suggested that to be his destination, and as he approached the gates to the Plateau, he took out his case of badges.

”I’ve come to train at Mt. Silver,” Red told the two men that stood sentry at the gates. They looked at one another, and then looked at him.

“You do know that access is restricted to those without the required amount of badges?” the one on the right said.

“Yes,” Red said irritably, “I have the required amount, and I’ve already passed these gates once before.” He took opened the case and revealed the eight badges of Kanto.

The guard made a sucking noise through his teeth, and whistled. “Nope, no-can-do. You have to have sixteen badges if you want to get to Mt. Silver.”

Red snapped the case shut. “Perhaps you would like me to prove you my power in a battle?” He asked. “That’ll prove how many badges I am worth.” He glared up at them, and they looked at one another again.

“Look kid,” the left one said, speaking for the first time. “We’re not going to let you get past us without sixteen badges. Come back when you’re ready and passed training Caterpies.”

They didn’t bother to hide their laughter as Red turned and began walking away.

<center>**************************</center>

So it was that Red found himself finally sitting in the small café off the harbour of Vermillion. The sun had just peaked over the sea to the east, and was shining on the port-town serenely.

The man who Red had ordered drinks from declined the money on the grounds that Red “looked like he needed a good drink inside him.” Thanking him, but feeling annoyed that people saw him as in need, Red quickly drank the beverage before ordering a more expensive (not to mention alcoholic) drink, and insisting on his payment.

“Well if it isn’t the man with the healing hands himself.”

Red looked up to see an old man come walking towards him. He took a seat opposite Red, and smiled at him.

“It’s certainly been a while since we last met Captain,” Red said, and the older man nodded.

“Could say that, could say that,” he replied. “How did you get on at the League then?” the captain asked.

Red arched an eyebrow. “Not well.” Was his answer.

The Captain nodded knowingly, before likening life to a female dog-Pokemon. “Where’s life taking you now then?” he added.

“Well it should be taking me to eight gyms so I can get some more badges,” Red explained, “but I have no idea where to start looking.”

The Captain let out a hearty laugh, before standing up quickly. “Well then, follow me!”

Leaving more than the drink was worth, Red dropped some money on the counter and chased the Captain out of the café and onto the dock.

“This,” the Captain said as they walked over the wooden jetty, “is the SS Shirona. She’s a beaut, isn’t she?”

Red smiled awkwardly. “I suppose so, yes,” he said, failing at sounding enthusiastic over a ship. It was very large, and was white with gold lining. A gentle line of smoke caught the wind as it puffed out of the great funnel on the top.

Red failed to see what this had to do with Gyms.

The Captain, seeing this, continued, and started walking up the steps to the ship. “This ship goes to Jhoto, a region west of Kanto. And guess what’s in Jhoto?” he asked, before answering his own question. “Yep, eight gyms, each with their own shiny badge!” He slapped Red on the back, before jumping up the last few steps with child-like excitement.

Red’s grin probably matched the Captain’s. He clambered up the last two and found himself on the wide, open deck. She was masterfully made, for the rocking of the boat only produced a calm sensation rather than the sickness inducing prototype that Red had nearly sailed on before.

“You can ride for free,” The captain said happily. “I’ve got a fair amount of space on board, and the ride takes three hours. Consider it payment for helping me when I was first introduced to Anne.” He winked at Red before walking towards the bridge. “I’ll see you later on sometime, I’ve got preparations.” He saluted Red before vanishing around the bulk of the ship.

Red was excited at the prospect of this new adventure. He spent the morning leisurely exploring the ship, checking out the rooms, and even found the luggage compartment. He had released Poliwrath and Vileplume so that they could have a look round too, but rapidly recalled his Poison Pokemon due to a large sign informing Red that “ancient artifacts can be eroded by Poison Pokemon’s fumes. Do not let these Pokemon walk freely below deck.” Vileplume didn’t come out again until they were out in the fresh air again, and a lot of people had come on board since Red’s trip around the ship.

“For goodness sake, can a girl not get a little respect on this boat?!” came a voice. Red looked in her direction and found a girl stumbling about, jostled by the many people that had just flocked onto the boat. A tall, arrogant looking man suddenly broke into a run, bundling into the girl, causing her to trip over the long hem of her deep red over coat. Her hood flapped over her face, and as she stood up, Red went over to help her.

“So it was you who knocked me over?!” she demanded. Red went to protest, but she lowered her hood and carried on her verbal abuse. “Ever since I got to this damn region, people have been jostling, shoving, and pushing me over!” She took out a Poke Ball from her belt and took a couple of steps back. “Well I’m sick of it. Battle me now!”

Red shook his head in exasperation, and began to say, “Look, I didn’t even –“

“I don’t want to hear your excuses, just throw the damn ball!” she cut across him.

Sighing, Red released Poliwrath, and it flexed its muscles.

“Go! Ninetales!” The many-tailed beast appeared and took up an elegant pose. A huddle of people had formed a small arena on the boat, and the two Pokemon glared at each other.

“Since you have the type advantage, I’ll go first!” the girl said. “Ninetales! Quick Attack!” The fire type sped across the floor and rammed into Poliwrath.

“Poliwrath, use Seismic Toss!” Red ordered. Using the momentum of the attack, Poliwrath rolled onto its back, flipping Ninetales into the air. “Now use Water Gun!”

The attack shot through the air and hit the fire type, causing a small yelp from the girl.

“No! Ninetales! Fight back with Overheat!” still air-borne, Ninetales unleashed a white hot blast towards Poliwrath, only to be met with Red’s attack.

“Hydro Pump!” The two attacks collided, but the water one won, and Ninetales fell tot eh ground. The girl recalled the Pokemon, and was silent, a noticeable change.

“My name’s Red,” the trainer said, extending his hand.

“Scarlet,” she replied.

“You know, I didn’t actually bump into you,” Red explained. “That was someone else.”

Scarlet blushed, and she pulled her dark red hair over face. “My mum’s always telling me that I jump to conclusions.”

Red laughed, and she smiled sheepishly. The crowd dispersed, finding conversation no match for a Pokemon battle, and began wandering in their aimless fashion.

”You’re a pretty good battler,” Red said, and Scarlet laughed.

“Yeah, that’s why you beat me. I’m awful compared to my Mum.”

Red looked about. “Where is she?”

”Oh, she’s not here, she lives in Hoenn, miles away. I left to come to Kanto to train my Pokemon, and now I’m on my way back.”

Red nodded. It was a shame they were going their separate ways…

There was a blinding flash, and a green, tapered Pokemon suddenly appeared by Red. It looked up at him, made two identical sounds with its beak, and then vanished again. Red looked up at Scarlet, a bemused frown crossing his face.

Scarlet pointed. “Over there,” she said. The Pokemon had teleported to the entrance of some downward leading stairs. In a flash, it vanished again. “I think it wants us to follow it,” Scarlet suggested.

Red nodded, and the two ran down the stairs, rounding each corner just in time to see it flash away again. As they reached the bottom, they saw it; wings open at the end of a long corridor. Then it pulled its right wing over to its left, so its body formed a signpost. Then it vanished again.

“This is really odd,” Scarlet said. “I wonder what it could want?”

Red said nothing. He had seen that Pokemon before. It was a Xatu, and they were usually exceedingly rare. He hoped it was wild so that he could capture it, but doubted it, for they were rarely seen anyway, let alone teleporting about a ship.

They rounded the corned, and followed the corridor along its windy path. They finally came out in a great room, that clearly spanned the whole of the ship in height. This was the engine room, and the workmen seemed to be huddled in one place, yelling at something. The Xatu was standing a little way off, looking directly at Red and Scarlet, before looking at the group of workmen.

“What’s happening, I wonder?” Scarlet said, before running towards them. Red followed, if only to stop her from getting closer rather than out of curiosity. However, as they neared, they realised it was a Pokemon Battle. The sailors cheered on, but Red could tell from the battlers faces that this was more than a friendly match.

One contestant used a big pink Pokemon with a shell that served as a tail. A Slowbro. The other used a Rhydon, large and menacing. The two Pokemon struck each other, with the occasional beam fired from the Slowbro. The man with the Slowbro was dressed in red and black, and when he turned to face Scarlet and Red, they could see that his right eye was covered with a white patch.

“That’s Will of the Elite Four!” Scarlet whispered.

Red looked confused. “But I didn’t battle him when I challenged them,” Red said.

“No, of the Jhoto Elite Four,” she explained.

The other man was shrouded in a deep black cloak, only his voice distinguishable as he ordered his crushing attacks.

“Wait,” Scarlet suddenly said. “You’ve battled the Elite Four?!”

Red didn’t have time to answer, as Will spoke. “I need your help!”

Red went to release a Pokemon but stopped as the cloaked man recalled Rhydon. Even Will seemed to be surprised.

”I see no point in continuing this battle,” he said, and the sailors groaned. “My purpose has been fulfilled, and further conflict is unnecessary for the grand plans of the Zoroastrians to be understood.” He released a second Pokemon, this one a great aqua dragon. He clambered aboard and the dragon soared out of the great room and into the maze of corridors.

Will turned to the two newcomers. “I sent Xatu to get help, but it seems I didn’t need it after all. However, we do have more pressing problems.” Despite the severity of the situation his words seemed to convey, his tone was light and cheery.

“Um, like what?” Scarlet asked.

“Well…” Will raised his voice so that the sailors could hear. “There is an explosive device affixed to your engines that will cause an internal explosion that will make the ship submerge.”

The sailors looked up at Will, expressionless.

Sighing, Will put it in simpler terms. “There is a bomb on the ship.” At this, the sailors began panicking, and running for the corridors.

”Good,” Will said over the noise of chaos. “That leaves us to find and disarm the bomb.” He smiled at their panic-stricken faces.

Red was a little worried at this point. “Aren’t you scared that the bomb’s going to blow up?” he asked.

“Nope,” Will replied. “No point wasting time worrying about things, just resolve them, and everything’s fine again!” His cheery face was suddenly gone, and he looked off into the distance. “Ah, Xatu tells me that that Zoro…something man is butchering people with his Salamence up top.” He looked over at Scarlet. “You, go and tell the Captain the situation. You,” he turned to Red. “You’ve got to defuse the bomb.” With that, he vanished with his Xatu, leaving the faint smell of burnt wood.

Red looked at Scarlet, and she looked back. “Well then,” Scarlet said. “It seems we have our jobs to do.”



Erm, I don't know if you noticed, and I would have left this for you readers to work it out, but I don;t want people to think otherwise...

I chose the name Scarlet because of the title of the chapter, and also because Scarlet is another word for Red. The female version? This is in no way my subliminal technique for declaring my love for Fanfic Queen Crimson. :P

And DS_11: I don't know if you know, but the prequel to this is The Final Battle. I can't remember if you read it, and I'm too lazy to check. :P

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 2:44 pm
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After constantly seeing the name of a respected Midnightian (unlike myself) popping up over here, I decided to see what was going on.

Your fanfic rocks! I didn't read the last one, and frankly, I'm too lazy to, but I really like this one so I'll definitely keep on reading it.

I'll give it a 9/10. -_- I don't like to give tens because that would say that it's perfect, but I think everyone has room for improvement... D: It's still really awesome though! Daisy makes me laugh. Isn't that the name of Gary's sister, from RBY? I'm guessing, then, that you played Blue Version, seeing as how Red ever-so-slightly resembles Gary. Well, not really. Just his sister.

I've sufficiently ranted, I think. And just a quick FYI -- I'm writing my own fanfic! :D It's really great so far, I'm happy with the plot. This is really the only fanfic I've read on this site written in traditional fanfic style (the others were Super Mudkip and Mega Treecko and Spence's Crazy Adventure) so mine may seem slightly... Out of place. :P

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 3:17 pm
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You're so good at writing... There really is nothing I can say.

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 3:30 pm
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Wow...Great. It did take me a while to catch on to what happened about the bomb thing - like 'I thought the battle was below decks' and 'Great aqua dragon? What?' but I finally caught on after reading a second time. Yeah, you did say that you didn't have much time to proofread, I can see that in 2 cases:

(That's Will of the Jhoto Elite Four!" Scarlet said.)
It's actually "Johto"; the h comes after.

(“Hydro Pump!” The two attacks collided, but the water one won, and Ninetales fell tot eh ground.)
Need I say anything? (to the ground.)

- DNA
Keep going my friend!
Aw...You're with Midnight? Wait; I already knew that.

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:48 pm
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You dissapoint me... i thought youd be able to provide us with more of your awesome story. :wink:

Obs, this is a very well written fan-fic. i give it a 6/5, and once again I DEMAND more!!! Mwahahaha!!!

Keep up the awesomeness Obs, your writing is superb.

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 5:59 pm
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Scarlet in Cluedo always seems to be in that envelope. XD
I can't wait for the next chapter! 5/5!(No non-existant ratings for you! :P)

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Wed Apr 18, 2007 7:22 pm
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I'm actaully annoyed at that last chapter. The style doesn't seem to be me, mainly because I was writing it at eleven last night. ;)

Well, the next chapter will be miles better, but I don't know when it will be written.

And JJ, Daisy is Blue's sister, but in the games, Daisy was always nicer to the main charrie then she is her brother, and I have made them have a nice sort of friendship.

And DNA, I'll edit those bits, thanks. ;) The next chapter will be much better, I won't rush it like I did the last one.

PKMNAlex, answers will be revealed, but not yet. :P Mwa ha!

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Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:42 am
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Still great fanficcing Obs! Though compared to the first chapter, the second wasn't probably as good. possibly because you wrote it at 10 at night!

also......yeh...I was too lazy to read your old one. I shall do so now!


Thu Apr 19, 2007 12:03 pm
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youre at least lucky that you maneged to finish that chapter i tried in my fic and then the battery ran out and i hadnt even pressed submit



your fics are pretty good and you should make more than one chapter at a time and thenagain you make a good fic writer
8.5/10

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 1:21 am
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Being a published writer myself, I thought your fan-fic was marvelous to say the least. I mean . . . from the right to the left, you have a new plot unwinding, with another sub-plot underway. Take my advice: don't have sooo many sub-plots that you lose sight of the plot. Believe me on that, I know.

9.9999/10
Nothing is perfect! eh? :P

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:26 am
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You're a published writer? As in, actual physical book?! What is it, let me read it! :P

And the subplot is actually linked with the main plot, but again, I can't reveal much in fear of giving away the ending (which will be a long time coming, I'm sure.)

I'll try and write a chapter tonight. ;)

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:32 am
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Its just for a local magazine that is published about once a week here in the city.

Its nothing major, but I am working on a novel right now. Its called,

"The Blades of Khartom"

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:48 am
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That is really cool, the village I live in is a little...small for that kind of thing. :P

I am writing a proper peice that is the typical five teenagers doing stuff. It'll involve Magick and stuff, but I haven't got anywhere with it yet...:(

The chapter after the next should introduce a new character, called Xavier. Just a little snippet to get your <s>mouth</s> eyes watering...oh wait, that's stupid...:P

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:17 am
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Excuse the double post, but I want this to be boosted to the top so people can see it. ;)

Chapter Three: Rough Seas wrote:

Red nodded. He had been thrown into this new role of protecting the ship somewhat suddenly, and was at a loss as to what to do. Scarlet winked at him before releasing her Ninetales and running off down the corridor.

The young trainer was now faced with the challenge of searching for the massive room, with little chance of finding the explosive device soon…

He began looking, but realised that he had little idea as to what he was looking for. Neon signs with flashing arrows would be the only thing that would alert him to the explosives. Red looked about, deciding that anything without a big red button with the words DETONATE couldn’t be the bomb. In time, he soon found himself marveling at the ship’s design. The Shirona

The captain had been right. The intricacies of this floating machine were what made it beautiful, and the great whirr of her engines were strangely soothing…

Engines…

Red jogged over to the great tanks, where the fuel was held. If anywhere, here would be the best place for an explosion…

Sure enough, hidden between two pipes, was a mass of wires, and a timer. Red prayed he was looking at hours and minutes, but if that were the case, he would have one hour and fifteen minutes, and the fifteen had changed to fourteen, and then thirteen.

He had just over a minute to diffuse it…


<center>**************************</center>


Scarlet retraced her steps through the maze of corridors, and eventually found herself and Ninetales breaking out onto the deck, to screams and shouts. The blue dragon soared above them, blasting fire wherever its rage dictated.

“Fall prey to the power of the Doom Project! Death will follow you until your souls become ravaged, and exhaustion and bitterness will be all that is left to define you!”

The cloaked man on the back cackled manically as he spread his somewhat random words of destruction. The Doom Project, however, stuck in Scarlet’s mind. It sounded more like a mission, or something of importance…

There was a flash of light as a colourful beam hit the Salamence. Will was fighting back, and the dragon was losing…

Scarlet couldn’t stay and watch the battle though. People were in a frenzy, and jostling her around, and she soon found herself to be much further away form the bridge than she had wanted. She pushed through the surge of people and finally came to the stairs that led up to the bridge.

She ran up them, past the panic-stricken sailors that were fleeing the bridge in fear of the Salamence. Scarlet burst through the doors to meet a silent captain, looking out through the glass and at the battle below.

“This is very sad,” he said simply, without turning around.

Scarlet walked up to him. “Captain I don’t think you know the full problem, there’s a-“

“Bomb on the ship, I know.” He was oddly quiet.

Scarlet looked up at him, and saw that there was a mist of tears in his eyes.

“I had so much to live for, to look forward to,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.

The young girl was confused. “Red’s sorting out the bomb, he’ll stop it from exploding!”

The Captain shook his head. “He will fail. The Doom Project won’t let the package be delivered.”

Scarlet shook her head. “I don’t know what you are talking about, but-“

The Captain suddenly turned to face her. “The package, the Doom Project does not want it to be delivered! If it is, then it will spell the end for them, that is why they sent the Black Cardinal to stop the Shirona from sailing!”

Scarlet’s face turned white. She had immersed herself into a deep plot, one that she wasn’t sure she would be able to get out of easily. “what do you mean Captain?” she asked.

The Captain looked back out at the battle. “The package, it is an ancient artifact that could spell the end for the Doom Project and that which they worship. That is why we had to take it to Johto.”

”what is it they worship?” Scarlet asked.

”I cannot speak its name,” the Captain said. “It would be the undoing of us all.” He looked down at Scarlet again. “It is my duty, as the Captain of this ship, to sail it to the next world.”

“You mean-“

At that point, a great explosion rocked the ship. There was a second of silence as the noise faded, and then the people began screaming yet again, louder, as the ship began to sink…


<center>**************************</center>


The counter was speeding up. Red panicked, and released Alakazam. “Quickly, aim the blast away from the engines! And remember to set up a Protect around us two!”

Alakazam focused its mind, and the red digit turned into an oval.

The blast from the explosion was stemmed by the Protect, but it was diverted toward the far wall. The wall broke apart, and a blast of water shot in. Alakazam vanished inside its Poke Ball, and within seconds, Red found himself treading water.

“Poliwrath! I need you to-“

Red sank beneath the surface as the water filled the cavernous space of the engine room. The water Pokemon grabbed his arm and started pulling him back underwater.

Though Red knew within himself that the only way to get to the surface was to first swim down, his instincts fought against him, and he thrashed. Poliwrath held on tight, but lost its grip. Red was dying for air, literally, and he took deep gulps of water. He choked, and sucked in more. He screamed, but the water turned it into a frightened gargle.

Losing patience, and fearing for its trainers life, Poliwrath gripped Red’s arm, and powered itself downwards. Red began to tire, and he found himself relaxing. The way he oscillated under water made him feel like a piece of ribbon being blown in the wind, but much slower. His eyes shut, and the pressure of the water seemed to fade away. A light was shining brightly, and Red reached out, and touched it. But the hollow laugh was there again, and the light turned icy blue, and a cold eye looked into Red, into his soul, into his mind. Then its laughter detonated within his head, and Red lost consciousness.

<center>**************************</center>

Taken aback by the initial explosion, Scarlet didn’t realise that the Captain had pushed her out of the bridge, and locked the door from the inside. As he turned the key, he sealed his own watery fate.

“What are you doing?” Scarlet yelled through the glass.

“Just go!” The captain called back. “This is how it is meant to be! I will go where I am supposed to!”

Tears filled her eyes as Scarlet turned and ran back down the stairs. The majority of the ship was underwater now. It surged over the sides and swept people over. Scarlet realised that the higher she climbed, the more likely it was that she would be safer. From where she stood, there was a jutting roof, that she leapt on, and then climbed up to onto another roof. She could do nothing to save the other people, and she cried openly as people were sucked under with the rest of the ship.

Her tears became faster, but angrier, as she saw the faint silhouette of a dragon riding toward the west.

The final part of the ship, where she stood, sunk, and a great upsurge of stored air billowed from beneath her, and the water bubbled about her.

Souls, breaking the surface of the sea, and climbing up to heaven…

She floated on the water, amongst the other, crying, terrified people. She looked about for Red, and couldn’t see any, great waves rising up to block her view. She suddenly panicked; there was nothing but, sea, water, a great trap that, when exhaustion set in, would swallow her.

A great swell of fear rose up inside her, and she started to call out for help, for anyone. It was then that a strange presence filled her. A calm voice, echoing in her mind.

The water makes us free, it releases us… They were not spoken words, but emotions in the form of words, and they soothed her. A blue Pokemon broke the surface, and it laced under her body and pulled her out of the water. It was a large Dragonair.

It looked at the person it had picked up on its back, and nuzzled her with its head. Then it looked at the other people about it, and a sad look filled its eyes as it heard the sorrowful cries of the drowning people.

“You could set off a flare,” Scarlet suggested. Pulling back its head, Dragonair sent a plume of fire into the air. The glare of it would be seen for a fair way, and soon enough, helicopters would have filled the air.

”Thank you,” Scarlet told the Pokemon. Dragonair echoed a happy shrill, and began to search beneath the waves for Red…

<center>**************************</center>


The sun was at its highest point, and Scarlet guessed the time to be around twelve. They both now rode on the back of Dragonair, Red unconscious. The boy had swallowed a lot of water, and Dragonair had pulled the boy from the depths of the water, giving Poliwrath a rest inside its ball.

Now, they sailed towards the shore that glinted in the high sun. Scarlet talked to the unconscious Red, hoping that she could hear him.

“Nearly there Red,” she said, falsely cheerfully. Dragonair powered on through the waves, understanding that every second could be the decisive moment between Red’s life and death. “I think this Dragonair wants to stay with me,” she continued. “It’s a lovely Pokemon, I must say,” she said, and patted her new Pokemon on the side. “I’m pleased its joined us on our quest.”

The shore was coming closer, and soon, Scarlet could get the help she so desperately needed to save her new friend Red.


Feedback as usual please!

~Obs.

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 1:56 pm
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OMG! OMG! OMG! Can I say it one more time, please?!?!?! OMG!

lol! I absolutely loved it. You should think about writing a book you're sooo good. I don't tell taht to many people, because . . . well, they aren't. But YOU. You'd be an instant success. Take my word for it. :D

10/10
You are one of the very few who gets a perfect. I noticed some capitalization errors as the girl is talking to the Captain, but other than that . . .

BTW, if you ever have any questions about anything pertaining to writing and improving your style, let me know. Just email me or PM me. kk? :wink:

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 2:04 pm
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O---M---G! (again)

This story just doesn't get any better, because it's reached the limit of "best". Widespread destruction for the sake of destroying something that will destroy what taints Red's mind...what could it be...
However I do wonder what happened to the Black Cardinal and his Salamence, as the story doesn't say what happened to them...maybe he destroyed the ship for the sake of destroying something that would destroy what they worship. (I just said "destroy" 5 times...) And the captain must have some inward problems; he seemed to be bent on drowning himself.

Also:
(He had just over a minute to diffuse it…)
The word is rather "defuse". "Diffuse" means to spread something over a vast area, while "defuse" means to remove the fuse from an explosive. (de-, remove, + fuse, explosive's "timer") Still, I look forward to the next exciting installment in the stupendous series!!

- DNA

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Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:10 pm
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The Obsidian Wolf wrote:
The Darkness Within Him Chap 3 wrote:
Her tears became faster, but angrier, as she saw the faint silhouette of a dragon riding toward the west.


It was slipped in there somewhere, I knew it. Salamaence goes west. ;)

Again, thanks for the feedback. And thanks for the dif/def comment, it always helps to get those out the way.

DP02, thanks very much. I actually intend on becoming an author in the future, which is why I am taking English Literature for A level. Then I intend on going to University to study it there. Obviously, I won't be writing fanfics, but the best way to show your writing style is through the use of an already existing world.

I might even get another chapter up tonight. I spent the majority of last night planning out the rest of the story, but I can't seem to get the final chapter right...

Hm. Thanks everyone. ;)



Okay, here's the next part, Chapter Four.

Chapter Four: Xavier wrote:

The sun had just peaked over the top of the mountains to the east when Xavier rose to meet it. He dressed quickly, and snatched up an apple as he left the house. He didn’t bother to lock the door, as he wasn’t leaving his own property.

The fields behind Xavier’s house stretched out for miles. Herds of Tauros and Mareep dotted the green canvas, and a distortion in the air old him that the Combee were already busy, collecting honey from the wild flowers and occasional Gloom they found.

Biting into the green apple, Xavier began his work. The Combee were friendly and had got used to Xavier putting his hand into the big yellow hives and taking the combs out of them. Taking them into the barn, Xavier gently immersed them into the honey that he stored there, before feeding the Ponyta in the stables.

He then set about shearing the Mareep and Flaafy. The job was time consuming, but enjoyable, for the electric Pokemon found the feeling of losing the extra weight a great happiness, and they would leap away over the grass, as if they had become more agile as a result.

After collecting the wool and storing it in the barn, Xavier milked the Miltank, and bottled it directly. Half he put aside to clean and make fit for human consumption, the other half he loaded onto the cart, before stacking it high with the jars of honey-soaked comb and wool. Climbing onto his Ponyta, Xavier set off to the market, just south and in Olivine city.

Trade was slow that day. The sun, though shining brightly, seemed to be too hot for people to emerge, and only his regulars that got their milk, honey and wool from him showed up.

Xavier took the time to recollect on how his life had become better for the tragedies that had faced him as a child. His Mother died at an early age, and his Father sank into a state of depression. Xavier, just seven at this time, looked after his Father, and tended to the animals on the farm. Soon enough, Xavier had learnt far more from his Father, and had also applied his intelligence, leaving his Father every Tuesday and Thursday to go to market and sell what they had excess of. With that money, he bought more Pokemon, namely the Ponyta to run the cart back and forth, and also invested in some hives, finally attracting a Vespiqueen to bring her colony with her from a distant land.
Just three years ago, when Xavier was twelve, his Father had left. A note on the table informed Xavier of how he had been convinced that “his soul had gone to some other-worldly place, and he needed to find it,” taking his Shelgon to go on his futile quest. Xavier hadn’t seen nor heard of his Father since that day and, though he felt a twinge of guilt for thinking it, things had been improving since his departure. Nonetheless, Xavier couldn’t help feel that his Father’s absence had left a hole in his life, an empty void that all the Pokemon he had raised and now cared for couldn’t come close to filling.

Xavier came to from his thoughts when he heard a coughing and spluttering. Just down at the docks, he could see a girl, with a Dragon Pokemon of some sort, dragging something to shore. With a jolt of horror, Xavier realised the limp sack that he had thought she was pulling was in fact a person, and he ran down to the beach, leaping down the wooden jetty that awaited the late Shirona.

“Are you okay?” Xavier asked as he approached.

Breathless and tired, all the girl could do was shake her head. She was about Xavier’s age, fourteen or fifteen at a guess, and the unconscious boy seemed to fit the same age estimation.

“Come back to my house, I have some medicine for your friend.”

Xavier packed up quickly, and rode Ponyta home, while the girl and boy rode on the cart in silence. The girl said nothing, she just held the boy in her arms, and Xavier didn’t intrude on her thoughts.

When they finally got back to the house, Xavier helped her bring the boy in, and set her down in front of the fire. The day was warm, but Xavier knew that whatever they had been doing out at sea would have left them unbearably cold. “Wait there,” he said, “I’ll get you something to drink.”

Returning from the barn, Xavier heated some of the cleansed milk in a saucepan before handing two cups to the girl.

“My name is Scarlet,” she said, speaking for the first time since Xavier had found her. “This is Red,” she indicated to the sleeping boy.

Xavier smiled. “I’m Xavier.”

The girl looked about her, as if only just taking in her surroundings. “Do you live alone here?” she asked. Xavier nodded. “It must get very lonely here on your own.”

”I prefer it this way,” Xavier said, before feeling a pang of guilt about his Father. He wasn’t sure if he really did like it this way at all…

The boy, Red, started moving. Scarlet put her cup down, and supported his head. He opened his eyes slowly, and pulled himself up.

“Where are we?” he asked groggily.

”You’re at my house,” Xavier said. “You’re girlfriend seems to care for you a lot, with her Pokemon’s help, she dragged you from the sea.”

Despite his apparent drowsiness, Red frowned and said “She is not my girlfriend.”

Scarlet had an amused look on her face at Xavier’s mistake, and he blushed. “Oh, sorry I…”

”Don’t worry,” Scarlet said. “We’re just good friends.”

Red managed to pull himself up, and Xavier helped him into a chair before giving him his cup.

“So, what actually happened?” Xavier asked, looking from Scarlet to Red.

Scarlet outlined a brief overview of the events, how they had been on the ship and that Will had found them and asked for help, resulting in the two splitting up.

Red interrupted, suddenly panicking. “Will! What happened to him?!” He couldn’t remember seeing him…

“I’m sure his fine,” Xavier said. “He is a member of the Elite Four after all, and rumour has it that he is also a top member of the Life Alliance.”

”What’s that?” Red asked, leaning forward.

“Well, it’s just a myth really, but apparently, the most skilled trainers all grouped together to form a group, dedicated to stopping nefarious acts.”

Scarlet frowned. “All sounds a little vague, if you ask me.”

”Not really,” Xavier contradicted. “Some say that it was the Life Alliance that kicked Team Rocket out of Saffron City.”

Red sighed. “No, I kicked Team Rocket out. I defeated Giovanni, the head of the Rockets.”

Xavier arched an eyebrow. “You did this alone?”

Red nodded. “Of course.”

“And there was no help from anyone else? No odd things that just so happened to be lying around…?

Red frowned. Funnily enough, the Card Key had been just left on the floor, and it wasn’t as if he had stolen it off someone.

Xavier smirked. “The Life Alliance don’t tell you what they are doing, but they just do it. They will rarely show themselves, and their membership is vast. It wouldn’t have surprised me Red if you defeating Giovanni had a little aid from the Life Alliance.”

Scarlet tutted. “So anyway, back to what I was saying…” she glared at the two. “I went to find the Captain, and he told me something about the Doom Project and that they were stopping the “package from being delivered.”

The two looked at Xavier again. “What?” he asked.

“Well, what do you know about the Doom Project?” Red insisted.

“I don’t know everything about anything,” Xavier said, laughing. “They sound a bit weird to me…”

Scarlet sighed. “This is hopeless. The man with the Dragon Pokemon, he called himself the Black Cardinal, and seemed to be a member of this Doom Project.”

Red nodded, a thoughtful look on his face. “That Salamence of his was pretty strong.”

Xavier froze. Salamence…? Could it be his Father?

The two of them hadn’t notice however and Scarlet continued. “From what I could make out, the Black Cardinal wanted to get hold of or stop the package from being delivered because it has the potential to stop “that which they worship.””

Red frowned. “And what is it that they worship?”

Scarlet shrugged. “Don’t know, all I know is that he wouldn’t say its name, because he might call it to him.”

Red choked on his drink. “What?! That’s exactly what Sabrina told me too!”

Xavier seemed to rouse from his silent stupor. “She’s a member of the LA too, some say.”

Red disregarded the comment and continued. “She looked in my mind, and said she saw something evil there, but couldn’t say its name in fear on invoking its presence.”

Things were beginning to piece themselves together in Red’s mind. The man with the Salamence had tried to destroy something that could destroy whatever it was that lurked in Red’s mind…

“We need to find the Black Cardinal.” Red decided. “He knows what is in my mind because he doesn’t want it to be destroyed, and if I can find out what it was that he destroyed to stop whatever’s in my mind from being destroyed…”

Red trailed off. It was too confusing for his mind to comprehend. All he knew was that he needed to find the Black Cardinal, and then he could be free again.

Xavier stood up. “I’ll go and make ready your rooms. I insist that you stay the night.” He left the room, and left the two of them discussing the Black Cardinal, and how they would travel to Cianwood island in the morning, for that had been the direction he had been flying.

Could it truly be his Father? Xavier could remember how he had left, taking his Shelgon with him. It could have evolved, and now he goes around, terrorizing ships with his new found Pokemon.

Xavier shook the thought away, as he made up two beds. There was no way his Father would do something like that. It just wasn’t possible. But still, he had to be sure…

<center>**************************</center>


Early in the morning, Xavier made the two of them breakfast. They had slept well that night, the events of the previous day exhausting them. He left it on the table and went outside just as they came down the stairs.

He opened the stable doors, and let the Ponyta run out into the pasture. “Go on, you’re free to go.” Ponyta looked at its master, licked his face, and then took off to a gallop over the hills.

Xavier did the same with the Tauros, and then the Mareep. They bundled out of the gates remarkably quickly, but one stayed behind. It looked up at Xavier and then sat on his feet. It wanted to stay with him. Taking out a Poke Ball, Xavier captured the small Pokemon, much to the Mareep’s delight.

The Combee had come over to see what was happening, and Xavier told them. They looked sad, each of the Pokemon’s three faces expressing their sorrow. They flew back to the Vespiqueen to alert her of the shift in management, but one remained. It too wanted to stay with Xavier.

Taking his two Pokemon back inside, Xavier saw that Red and Scarlet had finished their meal, and were getting up to leave.

“You have been really hospitable, thank you,” they said, but Xavier shook his head.

”Can I ask you a favour?” he said. “If you wouldn’t mind, I would like to join you on your quest to find the Black Cardinal, and to travel with you while you get the eight badges of Johto.”

Scarlet smiled, and nodded. “Of course, the more the merrier!”

Red echoed the thought and the three left his house, Xavier turning the key in the door, and pulling the latch down to lock the gate.




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Last edited by The Obsidian Wolf on Sun Apr 22, 2007 12:41 am, edited 1 time in total.



Sat Apr 21, 2007 9:49 am
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Very good. I like how you went from the action-packed ship to the slow-paced chapter of Xavier and his life. That's also intriguing if his father is the B.C.

Oh, BTW, you should fix this:
Obs wrote:
He dressed quickly, and quickly grabbed an apple . . .


Very top. Never use the same words so quickly. I recommend doing this.

DP02 wrote:
He dressed quickly, and as he swiftly made his way out the door, he grabbed an apple.


See? Better! You can do whatever or just use that if you wish.

~~DP02

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Last edited by DarkPhantom02 on Sun Apr 22, 2007 5:11 am, edited 2 times in total.



Sat Apr 21, 2007 10:49 am
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