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 PMD Story: Team Stormrunners 
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Dragon Tamer
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This story is still in development, later I'd like to make a comic with this story. I want it written down first though. Please critique this!

Chapter 1

The pain... It burned with excruciating intensity, revertibrating throughout the rest of her head. Lucia could feel sinister auras all around her. The mere amount of them was staggering. She could see the vague shapes of various Pokemon around her, their vile thoughts making her mind pulse with pain. The evil auras suddenly surged in power... She could see their faces- or what were their faces. There were no features on the faces around her, only the overwhelming feeling of bad intentions and the nonfaces that regarded her silently. Lucia recognized a Flareon and a Syther with no expression creeping slowly towards her, among the other sinister figures closing in. Lucia suddenly lost it- she had to get away from here! The Riolu charged at the sea of nonfaces, but when she did she cried out in pain from the extreme hurt in her head. She cradled her head in her paws for a moment- then she charged out with stubborn determination and sent an Aura Sphere at the faces. Nothing happened. She cried out as the nonfaces closed in...

I gasped for air when I broke from the dream. I was covered in a sheet of sweat and clawed at the edges of my covers tensely. I panted for a bit but then angrily bit my lip while scolding myself in my head:

Today's the Guild reception. I should've expected a bad dream on a day like this... Today is when Ludwig, the guild master, will choose potential guild members. Pokemon wanting to get stronger and explore new areas go every year hoping they will get chosen... I gripped at my bed sheet, hoping he'll choose me...

Since I'm awake already it's pointless going back to sleep. I'm wide awake. I grab my old, beat up pack and stuff some Sitrus and Oran berries in there, along with my hand-drawn map and a Big Apple. I grab a small apple as I get out of the hut and I sit down on a rock just outside the entrance while I devour the apple hungrily. The house I live in is far from town and I live by a cliff near the sea, so I watch the sunrise in the distance while I eat. Then I set off for town, before Bertha wakes up...

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Last edited by Dragonair101 on Sat Jun 16, 2012 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sat May 12, 2012 11:50 pm
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Long have I been waiting for someone to write a story here that's at least presentable. What I'd like, even more though, is for a writer to listen to advice they've been told.
Now that my rant is out of the way, let's see what's here.

For a sort of introduction to your story, it's actually quite presentable. Nice use of foreshadowing, and although the thoughts and imagery are a bit vague, they flow pretty well. Stories starting out with dreams (and PMD stories) seem to be rather common, but I digress. I'm interested as to what path you'll be taking.

You're going to be making a comic in conjunction with this story? I've seen one of those before; if executed properly it gives a whole new sense of imagery to the tale. I'd like to see where you're headed next with this, and I wish you the best of luck.

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Sun May 13, 2012 5:10 pm
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Actually, if you like a good story, I'm working on a novel right now. It's actually with an editor as we speak. I'll let you all know when it's finished ;)

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Sat May 19, 2012 6:28 am
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I just love stories in the POV of a Pokemon. Sadly, I'm a little scared to try and make one. Though some of my friends say I'd be good. :oops:
I'm really really really interested to see where this will go!! Please continue!

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Wed Jun 06, 2012 8:33 am
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Dragon Tamer
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DNA wrote:
For a sort of introduction to your story, it's actually quite presentable. Nice use of foreshadowing, and although the thoughts and imagery are a bit vague, they flow pretty well. Stories starting out with dreams (and PMD stories) seem to be rather common, but I digress. I'm interested as to what path you'll be taking.

You're going to be making a comic in conjunction with this story? I've seen one of those before; if executed properly it gives a whole new sense of imagery to the tale. I'd like to see where you're headed next with this, and I wish you the best of luck.


Thanks. I actually edited the beginning chapter just now to make it a bit more detailed (I hope). The comic will come probably a long while later, as I don't know how to do digital art and I am still trying to figure out how to draw a Riolu's profile XD. Once it gets under way, though, I'll get a DeviantArt or something and upload it. I'll yet you all know.


Everyone, thanks for the support! I sincerely appreciate it :)

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Sat Jun 16, 2012 10:05 pm
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Chapter 2

"Hon!" I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of Bertha's voice. Great! I turned to face her. The Miltank was looking at me very sternly. She already had her apron on that was covered in gracidea flowers, suggesting she had been making breakfast for awhile. I tried not to facepalm. Was I that bad at sneaking out? Bertha called out to me from the door of the hut, "Hon, come in here and have a proper breakfast!" I didn't bother trying to object and trudged inside. There would be no use arguing - she will just rant about how she slaved over the fire and how breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I sat down at the table in the middle of the main room sulking while Bertha took out a glass of Moomoo Milk and set down in front of me some Lum and Sitrus berries. Then Bertha sat next to me and watched me eat. It was very quiet as I ate, and Bertha seemed deep in thought.

When I finished my Lum berry, she asked me, "Hon, what's the matter?" I replied simply, "I was heading to Ludwig's Guild. He only has the reception once a year-" "You still have your heart set on being an explorer?" Bertha interrupted. "Yes." Then I tentatively added, "...Are you going to try and stop me?" Bertha gave me a big smile. "You sound just like your mother. Hon, why would I stop you?" I blinked dumbfoundedly at her. She was letting me go this easily? "So... you're going to let me try to join the Guild?" I said hopefully, standing up. Inside, I had started jumping up and down for joy. Bertha replied, "Why shouldn't I? You already spend the entire day outside training yourself, and they have teachers there who can train you even better. And maybe in the future, you'll be such a great explorer that you can buy me a vacation home by the beach!" She said, chuckling. "Hon...as much as I love you, I don't think I should trap you here with me. Go and get them, tiger. Also, I have something for you... she walked over to a little dresser in there. She took out a yellow key from her apron and inserted it into the keyhole of one of the drawers. I saw her take out a little box and, very carefully, remove something very small and white. It gleamed from her hoof. I asked her, "What is it?" "A shell bell", she replied. "Your mother used to wear it around her neck. Every time you are hit by an attack, you recover health. Don't lose it - it's very valuable, hon. See, she wore it around her neck, but maybe you can wear it as a bracelet..." Bertha busied herself with tying the string around my wrist, but I think I saw a tear in her eye.

At the front door, I had on my pack and supplies. Bertha and I hugged for a long time, although I was trying not to suffocate from the force she hugged me with. But I told her I had to go, and she dropped me to the ground. I ran off, waving goodbye to Bertha and the hut we shared that had been my home for the past few years...

Ludwig's guild, here I come.

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Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:22 pm
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Chapter 3

Right after I set off from Bertha's, I removed the Shell Bell from my hand and fastened it round my neck because I decided it was bothering me. It took me forever to reach Ludwig's Guild. Literally. I'm a Riolu, so I can run pretty fast. The problem is that I can't hold out for a long time when running, and Ludwig's Guild was some miles away from Bertha's and my hut by the seaside cliff. So for 75% of the time on my way to the guild, I was trudging at a brisk pace and running when I could. The New Guild Member's Reception only takes place once a year, and it starts at noon. I had a right to be worried about whether I was going to make it there or if I would fall on my face from exhaustion. I eventually stopped by a small apple tree to sit and catch my breath. It was about 10 AM and I was barely halfway there, even though I had started at around 6! I really did not want to have to wait another year in order to start exploring like those other amazing teams out there! I was so preoccupied with the impending sense of failure that I didn't notice the pitter-patter of paw steps towards me, nor did I notice the noise cease suddenly.

"Miss? Are you okay?" I jumped so high I think I crashed my head into the top of the apple tree. I cradled my head in my paws (my head still hurt a bit from this morning) and turned my head to my left cautiously. From the bushes, I saw two bright yellow eyes blink at me. You could see the curiosity in those eyes. I chuckled and said to the youngster, "It's okay! You just surprised me. I promise I won't bite!" The eyes looked down as if hesitant to come out, but once I saw the paw emerge from the leaves, I knew who it was. "Ion! What are you doing here!?" I exclaimed.

Ion is my best friend at home. We both dream of being famous explorers, and we swore to each other that we'd make a team together. We even trained together in preparation for the day of the Reception. The only thing standing in his way is his control-freak mother. She thinks that he has to evolve in order to be tough enough to go even try for apprenticeship. I disagree with pretty much everything she says, and who is she to judge strength? When Ion and I sparred back home, he won most of the time, and he has to evolve more times than I have to.

The Shinx stared at his paws with a mixed expression. "I snuck out before sunrise to join you," he explained, "and to be able to try out for apprenticeship." But then he looked really guilty and said, " But... I didn't even tell Mum goodbye. I can only hope she won't miss me..." he trailed off. I tried to cheer Ion up by saying, "Nah. I bet she is on an extreme reconnaissance mission to return her unruly son home. I can just visualize Her black jumpsuit and ninja mask..." I joked. Ion replied, "Are you kidding? I bet she's causing static in everyone's hair or fur for miles because of the electricity she's letting off. Officer Magnezone will have his hands full when she comes to him with a missing child report." We laughed for awhile and then he said, "We'd better get going. But, on my way here, you know, I made a friend... REGINALD!" He yelled at the tops of the apple tree. I heard some annoyed grunts from a branch extremely high, and then I noticed the bright red and blue body of a Swellow, gracefully spiraling to the ground. Once Reginald landed, Ion asked, "Do you think you could give us a ride to Ludwig's Guild? You're much faster flying than we are walking." Reginald yawned and replied, "Actually, I want to finish the nap you so peacefully interrupted. And besides, I can do better than give you a ride. I know how to make a Tailwind, and you can get there twice as fast by noon if you run for it." Ion and I agreed to do so, since any help is better than no help. Reginald set up the Tailwind and we ran as if we were running for our lives. It was amazing! The land slipped by me faster than I imagined, and I'm not too sure if my feet were touching the ground. It was like flying!

After thirty minutes I was still running, but I was losing steam. I wanted to lie down on the grass and fall asleep immediately. But I lost all desire to rest when Ion tapped my shoulder and, motioning ahead, said, "Well, would you look at that!"

...

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Last edited by Dragonair101 on Fri Jun 22, 2012 8:57 am, edited 2 times in total.



Mon Jun 18, 2012 10:14 pm
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Okay, way too much happens when I forget to long in for a few days. And now I have two chapters to catch up on and review; oh dear!

Chapter 2 I didn't see any real issues, except for a big one: If you're going to start dialogue, unless it is just one person speaking, you always put the next line of the dialogue on a new line. When you're reading a whole conversation in the confines of one paragraph, it looks very choppy reading from left to right. It's much easier to read it from top to bottom as well.

Chapter 3 had the same problem, plus a few more:

Quote:
The problem is that I can't hold out for a long time when running, and Ludwig's Guild was some miles away from Bertha's and my hut by the seaside cliff.

"I's" isn't a word unless you're talking about a string of iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Quote:
I eventually stopped by a small Apple tree to sit and catch my breath.

I know they capitalize "Apple" and "Berry" at every possible moment in the games, but do you really need to do it in print?

Quote:
The only thing standing in his way is his control freak mother.

I think "control-freak" is hyphenated when used as an adjective, but I could be wrong.

And that was all I saw for small mistakes.
I do like seeing first-person informal narration; it's actually a very liberating writing style, so I've found. You have freedom to look through the protagonist's eyes and express everything they feel without having to worry about being too wordy. Not sure why Ion and Reginald came out of nowhere like that (especially Reginald), but I'm sure there's a reason.

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Thu Jun 21, 2012 4:14 pm
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Well DNA, eventhough you are practically right 100% of the time when it comes to grammar, Bertha's was used as a possessive. So the contraction is not a contraction, but a grammar device. So its correct.
And yes, control freak should be hyphenated.
Good story, keep it up!

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Thu Jun 21, 2012 8:30 pm
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Unedited:
Quote:
The problem is that I can't hold out for a long time when running, and Ludwig's Guild was some miles away from Bertha and I's hut by the seaside cliff.

My edit:
Quote:
The problem is that I can't hold out for a long time when running, and Ludwig's Guild was some miles away from Bertha's and my hut by the seaside cliff.

Samurott, you idiot! Did you even bother to read the story?

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Thu Jun 21, 2012 9:37 pm
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OH ****! Well, then again I read it two days ago, so I mostly forgot it.
My bad, DNA. I sorry.

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"As I look up from the ground
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And I'm lost but can be found up in the sky
Goodbye
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Fri Jun 22, 2012 6:25 am
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If the both of you were forced to stay stuck in a room for an hour, you'd sooner kill each other, methinks.

Aaaaaand I fixed everything. I think. Anyway, thanks for the criticisms and expect more soon! ;)

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Fri Jun 22, 2012 9:04 am
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Dragonair101 wrote:
If the both of you were forced to stay stuck in a room for an hour, you'd sooner kill each other, methinks.

Well, it depends. When making a deathmatch cage for two people, you have to think about the dimensions (not too small, but not too big) and each of the subjects' strengths. Then, think about rules, whether it would be a spectable or not, and-
Oh dear. I believe I did it again. Last time I did this, there was a leak about torture in Gitmo shortly after.
All torture chamber, memory failure, and scandals aside, cant wait to read chapter 4!

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Goodbye
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Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:03 am
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Dragonair101 wrote:
If the both of you were forced to stay stuck in a room for an hour, you'd sooner kill each other, methinks.

Aaaaaand I fixed everything. I think. Anyway, thanks for the criticisms and expect more soon! ;)

I'd kill him in 30 seconds for the key and then let myself out.

And you're welcome!

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Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:43 am
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I agree whole-heartedly with all the earlier comments, and I think that for most of the time your writing flows smoothly and ,except for the conversations, is well-written overall. It's refreshing to see a good story from the POV of a pokemon. Not many could have pulled it off, but you have done an exceptional job so far and I can't wait to see what happens next.

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Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:09 am
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