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 Lance's Story 
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:55 pm
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Location: I'm Somewhere you are Not.
Lance was a ten year old, red haired boy.... And he woke up late on the worst possible day.
"Lance honey! You are going to be late getting your first pokemon!" His mom called. Lance's head shot up.
"Shoot!" He cursed, brushing his teeth, getting dressed, and combing his hair. He ran downstairs and grabbed his backpack.
"Bye bye bye Mom!" He shouted.
"Lance honey!" The door slammed shut. "Oh my. Good thing I put food in his bag. That boy, I need some of his energy!" She said. The door opened and Lance ran in, grabbed his Pokegear and ran out again. His mother laughed.
"Man! New Bark Town is far from Blackthorn City!" He muttered, running as fast as he could down the ledges. He made it to New Bark Town just as the doors opened. He was panting and he walked in, totally worn out. A bunch of kids rushed in and grabbed the rare pokemon. Lance grabbed the last one.
"You got the Dratini." A man's voice said. Lance whirled around.
"Professor Elm!" Lance said. "Hi! I'm kinda dissapointed that I got a Dratini... I can find these everywhere in Blackthorn City..." He said sadly. Professor Elm chuckled.
"But, as your starter pokemon, it will evolve into stronger pokemon easier. Don't you worry. What's your name?" Elm asked.
"L-Lance sir!" He said.
"Lance, I think you'll do just fine on your adventure!" Professor Elm said.

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Light is to Dawn as Dark is to Dusk.


Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:02 pm
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:55 pm
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Location: I'm Somewhere you are Not.
I am not the greatest writer in the world, but I love writing and Lance is totally awesome so I started a story on him. I would like pointers on my writing skills but PLEEEAAAASSSEEE no criticism.

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Light is to Dawn as Dark is to Dusk.


Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:06 pm
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:55 pm
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Location: I'm Somewhere you are Not.
Chapter two
Lance ran out of the Lab, letting his new pokemon follow him. Lance had a good time crawling through grass and catching pokemon. Lance eventually came to a town, he read the sign.
"Cherrygrove Town?" He looked around, he acted like he was holding a microphone. "This is Lance, reporting from Cherrygrove Town, it is very flowery and there is a very nice beach but I stinking forgot my swim trunks at home." Lance sighed sadly and opened his pack, he smiled.
"Ladies and gentleman it seems my mother has packed my swimtrunks for me!" He said happily, taking the navy blue swim trunks from his backpack. "And thank god she didn't pack the one's that match my hair!" He said. "That would be embarressing!"
Lance played with Dratini, his new Ratatta, and his new Zigzagoon on the beach for awhile untill the sun went down. Then they stayed at the Pokemon Center, which was crowded with new Trainers. Nurse Joy gave them all dinner and they went to sleep. Lance stayed up.
I am a new trainer. No badges. My mom isn't here for me when I get upset. And by the time I get back to Blackthorn City, I'll probably be 12 or something. Two years without messing with Clair....
Lance's eyes widened.
I can't go that long without insulting her! I'll shrivel up and die! Calm down Lance... She is younger than you... You don't have to insult her every day.... YES I DO!!! Calm.... Calm.... I want my mom!!!
Lance shot up. "Calm down Lance. Even though your mom cooks like nobody's buisness you don't need her when you double digits..." He said. He pulled his hair. "But yes I do! No... Yes! No? Yes! No! Yes? Okay.... I'm am definatly home sick..." Lance sighed. Dratini came up and curled up next to Lance.
At least Dratini reminds me of home. He thought, petting the little Dragon pokemon. Lance lay down and eventually went to sleep.... After he had another mental fight with himself.

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Light is to Dawn as Dark is to Dusk.


Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:05 pm
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:55 pm
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Location: I'm Somewhere you are Not.
Chapter two
Lance ran out of the Lab, letting his new pokemon follow him. Lance had a good time crawling through grass and catching pokemon. Lance eventually came to a town, he read the sign.
"Cherrygrove Town?" He looked around, he acted like he was holding a microphone. "This is Lance, reporting from Cherrygrove Town, it is very flowery and there is a very nice beach but I stinking forgot my swim trunks at home." Lance sighed sadly and opened his pack, he smiled.
"Ladies and gentleman it seems my mother has packed my swimtrunks for me!" He said happily, taking the navy blue swim trunks from his backpack. "And thank god she didn't pack the one's that match my hair!" He said. "That would be embarressing!"
Lance played with Dratini, his new Ratatta, and his new Zigzagoon on the beach for awhile untill the sun went down. Then they stayed at the Pokemon Center, which was crowded with new Trainers. Nurse Joy gave them all dinner and they went to sleep. Lance stayed up.
I am a new trainer. No badges. My mom isn't here for me when I get upset. And by the time I get back to Blackthorn City, I'll probably be 12 or something. Two years without messing with Clair....
Lance's eyes widened.
I can't go that long without insulting her! I'll shrivel up and die! Calm down Lance... She is younger than you... You don't have to insult her every day.... YES I DO!!! Calm.... Calm.... I want my mom!!!
Lance shot up. "Calm down Lance. Even though your mom cooks like nobody's buisness you don't need her when you double digits..." He said. He pulled his hair. "But yes I do! No... Yes! No? Yes! No! Yes? Okay.... I'm am definatly home sick..." Lance sighed. Dratini came up and curled up next to Lance.
At least Dratini reminds me of home. He thought, petting the little Dragon pokemon. Lance lay down and eventually went to sleep.... After he had another mental fight with himself.

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Light is to Dawn as Dark is to Dusk.


Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:05 pm
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Joined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:55 pm
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Location: I'm Somewhere you are Not.
Chapter three
Lance said good bye to Nurse Joy.
"You be good now Lance! And don't forget to take good care of your pokemon!" Nurse Joy called.
"OK Nurse Joy!" Lance shot the reply over his shoulder as he ran off, Dratini behind him. Nurse Joy smiled at the energetic boy.
"My my my." She mused.
Lance and Dratini crawled though the grass, looking for pokemon. They came to a sign... And Lance ran right into it, head first.
"And how else can I find the sign?" Lance asked, rubbing his head with anger. "I need to stop running into them huh Dratini?" He said, remembering all the times at home in Blackthorn City that he would run into the Blackthorn City and Ice Cave signs.
"Tini!" It called, amused. Lance sighed.
"You found that funny. GREAT." He said, frowning. He read the sign and shot up.
"This is Lance-"
"TINI TINI!!"
"Oh yes, and Dratini, reporting from Route 30!" He said into the imaginary microphone. "It is very grassy here, there is an apricorn tree, and it is crowded with trainers!" He said.
"Tini tini!" Dratini pointed to the sky.
"Your right Dratini. The sky is cloud-less and the Pidgey's are flying- OH! You mean the Pidgey's, not the weather!" Lance scratched Dratini's head, the strongest bird was at the front of the flock.
Well, I learned SOMETHING imporant in school. Lance thought. Even though I skipped school whenever I could.
"Use ExtremeSpeed on the lead Pidgey!" Lance said, Dratini shot up, almost invisible, and a Pidgey fell from the sky. Lance caught it, not wanting it to hit the ground and get hurt. He pulled out a pokeball and caught it while it was in shock.
"Haha! It had no chance against me!" Lance said happily.
"TINI!"
"Or my Dratini!" Lance added, smiling at the Dragon pokemon. Dratini flicked it's tail crossly. "Mainly my Dratini?" Lance suggested. Dratini flicked it's ears in approval. "You are definatly the most interesting pokemon I'll ever get..." Lance muttered. Dratini glanced at Lance, seeming to say,
'I heard that Lance.'
Lance smiled innocently and kept walking through the grass. Dratini slithered after him. When they got out of the grass there was a house infront of them with a sign next to it. Lance smiled triumphantly.
"I didn't run into it!" He said, walking over to read the sign. "Mr Pokemon's house?"
Lance thought for a moment the shot into the grass as a man with grey hair in a white lab coat like Proffessor Elm's came from the house.
"It was nice seeing you again Mr Pokemon!" The man said.
"You too Proffessor Oak, I'll see you later!" A voice from inside the house called. Proffessor Oak closed the door and let a giant orange dragon from a pokeball.
"Dartini?" Dratini asked. Lance smiled.
"That's a Dragonite, you'll evolve into a Dragonite one day too Dratini." Lance said.
"Tini tini!" It said excitedly. Lance laughed a bit and they crawled back onto the Route's path.

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Light is to Dawn as Dark is to Dusk.


Tue Jul 12, 2011 6:42 am
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Psychic Trainer
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Firstly, if you want pointers on your writing skills then you need to be prepared to expect CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. You need to have constructive criticism; whether you're a writer, fashion designer, movie director, or musician. It tells you how to improve and develop a better understanding of what you're doing.

Grammar-wise, you're pretty solid. There's a few mistakes that could do with ironing out (the sort of mistakes that once you correct once, they sort of stick in your head and you never make the mistake again).

"You be good now Lance! And don't forget to take good care of your pokemon!"
"Bye bye bye Mom!" He shouted.

In both these examples, you need a comma (,) before the proper noun (the name of the person). The applies when you use the proper noun at the beginning of the sentence, also. For example, "Sir, we have a problem." and "We have a problem, sir." Also, you use a lot of "he said" and "she said" when there are just two people talking. When there is a simple conversation going on, you should be able to tell who is speaking without the use of "he said" and "she said"

There are a few spelling mistakes here and there; nothing too major; and they can be solved by double and triple checking your work before you submit, or even downloading Google Toolbar and using the built in spell-check there. It's completely free.

There are a few continuity errors as well. For example, I know Lance is young, but I'm sure Professor Elm was very young as well. It seems odd that Lance would be a child and Professor Elm would be seemingly still the same age as he is in the game.

But yeah, other than little grammatical/spelling issues, it seems to be heading in a good direction. Keep it up!

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"You don't sit down and write a wish list about the person you are going to fall violently in love with. It just doesn't work like that."

Stephen Fry


Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:02 pm
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