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 Chuck norris jokes 
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If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.









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Fri Apr 03, 2009 3:24 pm
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How is this relevant? To anything?

-Chuck Norris Doesn't Push Up, he pushes the earth down!

-Chuck Norris Doesn't sleep, he bides his time!

-The USSR broke up after whatching an episode of Delta Force!

-Chuck Norris Once killed 3 guys with one bullet. He didn't even use the gun, he just... pushed it in their heads one by one!

-Chuck Norris doesn't believe in "Chuck Noprris Jokes", he believes in "Chuck Norris Warnings"!

-Chuck Norris doesn't eat, he absorbs the lifeforece of his prey!


Sat Apr 11, 2009 7:56 am
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Who's Chuck Norris?

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Sun Apr 12, 2009 4:31 pm
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superbird wrote:
Who's Chuck Norris?


Best Joke... ever... hands down!


Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:55 pm
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Oh holy cow. I have a packet about 4 inches thick of such jokes.

My favorites:

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris ate himself and lived to tell the tale

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight on, not because he is sacred of the dark, but because the dark is scared of Chuck Norris.

At night, the boogy-man checks his closet for Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris falls into water, he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrissed

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris can divide by zero

Chuck Norris built Rome in half a day

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.


I copy and pasted some of these from the first post, because they are some of m favorites!

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Tue Apr 14, 2009 1:01 pm
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Chuck Norris... isn't he some sort of wrestler or something? They always mention him in Nintendo Power.

Chuck Norris once ate a 10-pound burger in one hour. He spent 59 of the minutes doing you know what with the waitress.

They tried to carve Chuck Norris in Mt. Rushmore but they couldn't find a material hard enough to represent his beard.

Just a few I heard from a friend.

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Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:22 am
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comedianmasta wrote:
superbird wrote:
Who's Chuck Norris?


Best Joke... ever... hands down!


How do you know it is a joke? D:

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Mon Apr 20, 2009 4:00 am
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who does know of the glory of the Chuck Norris?!?!?


Mon Apr 20, 2009 1:44 pm
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The Absolutely Safe Capsule is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

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Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:51 am
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Chuck Norris swam to the bottom of the ocean and never came back...twice.

You ever hear the story of Jesus walking on water? Well, Chuck Norris can swim on land.

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Thu May 07, 2009 2:40 pm
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Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris mind is so sharp that he once wressled with a riddle and accidentally killed the answer.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He destroys chairs, bedframes, sidewalks and stairs.

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Thu May 07, 2009 3:43 pm
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searchman52 wrote:
Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.


Chuck Norris' elbow can lick him!

God said, "Let there be Light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please..."

The Best Villians of our Time: Colonel Klink, Darth Vader, Hitler's Evil Twin, The Evil Monkey from Family Guy, Sanjia, The man who killed Chuck Norris, and the Easter Bunny. What do they all have in common? None of them Exists.


Thu May 07, 2009 6:50 pm
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There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds' population in less than a week. They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.

Chuck Norris was awarded the nobel peace prize, for letting so many people live.

According to the Geneva Convention, it is considered a war crime to use Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

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Thu May 07, 2009 7:24 pm
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i've got a few:
1) Chuck norris doesnt go hunting as hunting can be both successful or unsuccessful. No. Chuck norris goes KILLING!
2) On holloween, the devil goes out for trick-or-treating dressed as chuck norris
3) Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick
4)Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO


Tue May 12, 2009 5:40 am
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Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Norris had once kicked a giraffe into the mouth of a snake. Since then we call the snake - Brontosaurus.

Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win. Everytime.

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Tue May 12, 2009 2:34 pm
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Chuck Norris does not leave messages he leaves warnings
Chuck Norris is never late time slows the F :censored: down for him

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Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:47 pm
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Who IS Chuck Norris???

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Sun Nov 29, 2009 12:12 am
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Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of his head - before he even starts running.
There are no races, only groups of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
It is impossible for Chuck Norris to have a mortal father. Popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that nothing and told it to get a job. That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris doesn’t write books - the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Contrary to popular belief, an asteroid did not kill the dinosaurs. One day Chuck Norris lost to God in a game of poker, then killed the dinosaurs out of rage.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps bullets. Then he uses the bullet to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. This is called the circle of life.

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Sun Dec 13, 2009 7:54 pm
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Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks don't actually kill people. They erase their very existence from the space-time continuum.

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Wed Feb 17, 2010 7:07 pm
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This is my best one:

A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After seven days of excruciateing pain, the cobra died.

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Sun Feb 28, 2010 9:15 am
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If Chuck Norris were a pokemon

Chuck Norris would be the element of surprise.

When Chuck Norris runs out of power points, he doesn't struggle: he wins.

Chuck Norris has no weaknesses. Only resistances.

Chuck Norris has never seen a Ditto. And a ditto has never seen Chuck Norris.

Every experience point Chuck Norris earns takes him to the next level.

Team Rocket is hiding because of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can learn more than four moves.

Every one of Chuck Norris's moves is super-effective.

A Chuck Norris egg has never been found because Chuck Norris is no chicken.

Chuck Norris killed all the fossilized Pokemon and brought them back to life in less than 2 hours.

Chuck Norris's tackle attack is considered a One-Hit K.O.

Chuck Norris can cause sleep, poison, confusion, paralysis, and burn at the same time.

Chuck Norris is also immune to sleep, poison, confusion, paralysis and burn.

Pokemon flee when Chuck Norris is nearby.

You can't catch Chuck Norris with a master ball.

If you encounter a wild Chuck Norris, then you have to restart the game.

The Pokemon Misquino is missing because Chuck Norris hacked the game before it was mass produced. It is said when Misquino appears, Chuck Norris is nearby.

Chuck Norris is automatically Locked-On to all this targets.

Chuck Norris's Zap Canon caused the power outage in Cerulean city. Twice.

Chuck Norris's Fire blast caused global warming.

Chuck Norris's Hydro Canon caused the Great Flood.

Chuck Norris doesn't fire a hyper beam: He fires his Lazor.

Chuck Norris can not win a contest for cuteness.

Chuck Norris catch Giratina with a poke ball.

Chuck Norris's psychic powers finish this sentence.

Chuck Norris's nose is a fear finder. And an Item finder.

Chuck Norris trains on legendary Pokemon for kicks.


Wed Mar 24, 2010 7:30 pm
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Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris has alreay been to Mars. That's why there's no sign of life there.

Chuck Norris doens't mow his lawn. He stares at it and dares it to grow.

Captain Falcon is actually Chuck Norris in disguise, but he's only using a 1/infinity of his power.

Chuck Norris can destroy matter, and make matter.

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Sat Apr 24, 2010 12:53 pm
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If Chuck Norris could go back in time and fight Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would win. Don't think about it, just accept it.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

Chuck Norris can think about the game and still win it.

Remember all those internet posters that talk about ninjas hiding in a room? Chuck Norris can see every one of them.

James Bond asks Chuck Norris for advice on how to get girls.

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Sun May 02, 2010 10:10 am
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:( http://www.nochucknorris.com/

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Thu Jun 10, 2010 6:31 am
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searchman52 wrote:

Chuck Norris has alreay been to Mars. That's why there's no sign of life there.


ROFL, he killed them all!!!!!!!!11!!!1!

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Our friends' hopes and dreams are etched into its body, transforming the infinite darkness into light!
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Super Galaxy Gurren Lagann!
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Thu Jun 10, 2010 9:35 am
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