It is currently Tue Oct 21, 2014 11:34 am



Reply to topic  [ 15 posts ] 
 Here Goes Nothing~ PG 13 
Author Message
I need to shut the **** up
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:18 am
Posts: 254
Location: A random Place in Wales
Ummm, OK. This is my second try at a FanFic, and I hope I can get some more constructive criticism from people. :)
Here goes nothing………

Chapter 1: Introduction/Cerulean Battle.

Cerulean City. A beautiful place, home of the 8 Cerulean City Gym sisters: Shelley, the oldest; then came India, Coral, River, Aqua, Oceania, Misty and the youngest girl who everyone ignored; Aurora.

Now. Most people would know all about the first seven girls, as they were the ones who battled. Misty, Oceania and Aqua battled the amateurs; River and Coral battled the mediocre trainers; and India and Shelley were left with the pro trainers. The problem was the others were always in the limelight. Always. And they used this fame to their advantage.

The sisters lived in the Gym, behind two hidden doors that led into a plush apartment. Coffee machines, televisions, and other modern technological gizmos were crammed into every nook and cranny. But enough description of the sister’s lives; let us begin the story.

It starts on a cold yet crisp winter morning. Cerulean City has received an influx of battlers who all seem to converge in masses to the Gym. We see a beautiful, dark-skinned girl with pastel pink hair in a ponytail. She looks at least twenty. In front of her is a pink snake-like creature with a long, spiked snout. Then there is a swimming pool that is at least 15 metres. At the other side is a very good looking boy with dark skin too. He has a Pokémon that is like a blue, stripy, enormous goldfish. Its fins are enormous and undulate strangely. Both jump in the water and the battle begins. The girl yells an order and her Pokémon leaps into the air, its eyes glowing electric blue. The butterfly-fish writhes in pain and is slammed into the walls by unknown forces. It attempts to counter-attack and sends a sparkling silver gust to smite the Gorebyss. But the pink creature dodges it and instead fires a stream of water that sends the Lumineon flying. The boy is defeated. The next person moves on to battle Shelley. And from the balcony above the floor, a girl with long, black hair and a striped blue and black minidress looks down. Her face is pretty but twisted in a sour expression. Behind her is a Squirtle. They both trot off into the apartment, but not before the girl shoots one last disdainful look at Shelley. Then, they are gone.

There you go! Hope you enjoyed it :)

~ {dragonite} Chingling {chingling} ~

_________________
Maybe, just maybe, you'll find me there, waiting......
Well, conman2k8 has done it again. Find him at Fusions Market!!
Image
OMG! Ender at the End Shop is AMAZING!!! Visit it now: End Shop!!


Sat Feb 28, 2009 11:13 am
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2006 11:09 am
Posts: 328
Location: Hiding Out Until Things Cool Down...
I do have to admit, it was a little... empty, but don't let that getcha down. It was a great start, and just that, a start. There was no dialogue, no... inclination of characters no... real... help. BUT:

You had a great starting storyline idea and good list of characters with some background to them. This could really become something if you try.


Sat Feb 28, 2009 3:51 pm
Profile YIM WWW
I need to shut the **** up
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:18 am
Posts: 254
Location: A random Place in Wales
Thanks for the constructive critisism, comedianmasta. However that chapter was supposed to be empty. :) Thank you anyways, though~
Next chapter posted tonight.

~ {dragonite} Chingling {chingling} ~

_________________
Maybe, just maybe, you'll find me there, waiting......
Well, conman2k8 has done it again. Find him at Fusions Market!!
Image
OMG! Ender at the End Shop is AMAZING!!! Visit it now: End Shop!!


Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:37 am
Profile
I need to shut the **** up
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:18 am
Posts: 254
Location: A random Place in Wales
Agggh! Haven’t typed for long, long time. Hope you enjoy the second chapter~

Chapter 2: Runaway

Aurora was, to be honest, feeling more annoyed than usual with her sisters. To start off with, Shelley’s sweet, babyish voice was tinkling in her ear more than usual – the girls had been training and it had paid off, as the Gym was winning more often than not. But it was just the fact that her sisters seemed to get more and more arrogant by the day……one more “Aurora, please be an angel and get me a cappuccino,” or “Aurora, go buy some food for Gorebyss, please?” and she would explode. Unfortunately for her, that moment in time would come at noon that day. It all started with Shelley’s sweet voice came from the front room – the girls’ house was behind the Gym – and her Gorebyss and Huntail bullying Squirtle.

At that moment in time, poor Squirtle was getting shoved and pricked by the two serpent-like Pokémon when in came Shelley, resplendent in an overly short tank top and excessively short hot pants. She did not seem to be at all bothered by the scene, instead turning to her sister, who was sprawled on an armchair reading a trainer magazine.

“Um, ‘Rora………Gorebyss and Huntail are REALLY bored……”
“They can go swimming, right?” was the bored, drony answer.
“Yeah, but, would you just go buy them some plush dolls? Pleeeeeease?”
“Sure, if they stop bullying Squirtle.” Aurora looked over the mag.
“’Rora. I told you to do something. Now get off your backside and DO IT!”
Sounds like a child having a tantrum, Aurora observed.
“Ummm……let’s think. N. O. NO.”
“Fine. You heard Mom when she left. ‘Shells, you’re in charge.’”
“Does NOT mean you can boss me about!” bellowed Aurora.
“Then get out.”
“Maybe I will!” she spat, and flounced out.
“What?! Where will you go?”
Lame, lame, cliché question, noted Aurora.
“I’ll beat Gyms.”
“HAH!” Shelley’s laugh was raucous and contemptuous. “With that pitiful excuse for a Water-Type?”

Aurora’s fury began to boil over. Her face burned and her walking was jerky and march-like. She turned around and bellowed in Shelley’s direction:
“AND THE FIRST ONE I’LL BEAT IS THIS ONE!”

Right, OK. There ya go. As promised~

~ {dragonite} Chingling {chingling} ~

_________________
Maybe, just maybe, you'll find me there, waiting......
Well, conman2k8 has done it again. Find him at Fusions Market!!
Image
OMG! Ender at the End Shop is AMAZING!!! Visit it now: End Shop!!


Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:46 am
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 06, 2008 6:55 pm
Posts: 101
Location: Thanks to Obsidian for the avatar!
you helped me, ill help u
loved it, but i dont think its actually PG13 yet


Wed Mar 04, 2009 1:31 pm
Profile WWW
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:32 am
Posts: 114
I don't really see the PG -13 bit to it.

_________________
Image


Sat Mar 07, 2009 5:00 am
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 382
Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
Jaguar wrote:
I don't really see the PG -13 bit to it.


Doesn't really matter. It could be rated that because of something that'll happen later. And a wrong rating is hardly a reason to not like a story.

_________________
[img]http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s239/Jammer92/ThousandWordSig.png[/img]


Sat Mar 07, 2009 6:52 am
Profile WWW
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2006 11:09 am
Posts: 328
Location: Hiding Out Until Things Cool Down...
Nice, ok, getting started, ok...

Ok, here goes some ideas. It's goin in a good direction, but where is it actually going? Is the story about her training to defeat her sisters? Or is it about her and her start as a trainer? Is this just a small part of a bigger story? Or is this fued the main focus.

If it WAS the main focus, I think I'd take it in a direction of her training up, beating gym after gym, and actually ENDING with this one, in a last epic showdown or something.
Now, the only thing I could think of is that these girls are probably a little older then Ten and wouldn't actually argue like that, unless, of coarse, these are one of the younger two. Again, IDK but these are things that could be made slightly more clear.

All-in-all I like it. Good Job!


Sat Mar 07, 2009 6:45 pm
Profile YIM WWW
I need to shut the **** up
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:18 am
Posts: 254
Location: A random Place in Wales
;O
Comedianmasta = Psychic genius.
comedianmasta wrote:
If it WAS the main focus, I think I'd take it in a direction of her training up, beating gym after gym, and actually ENDING with this one, in a last epic showdown or something.

Lawl. King of fanfic and psychic genius?? TOO MUCH!!!!! :lol:
Umm, hyess. Thank you for your help and support, all of youses!! ^-^
The first chapter states the sisters in order of age, comedian. Shelley being the oldest, 'Rora being the youngest.
Next chapter posted tonight, fingers crossed.........:P

~ {dragonite} Chingling {chingling} ~

_________________
Maybe, just maybe, you'll find me there, waiting......
Well, conman2k8 has done it again. Find him at Fusions Market!!
Image
OMG! Ender at the End Shop is AMAZING!!! Visit it now: End Shop!!


Sun Mar 08, 2009 7:36 am
Profile
Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 12, 2009 2:42 pm
Posts: 12
Location: United States
In my opinion, you should've combined those two into one chapter. They're pretty short and have small details in them. But maybe it's just your technique to build up the small background details in their own chapters before getting into the main ones that move the story along. Nothing wrong with that.

And I like your style. Those books that are written as if the author is actually talking to you in person really catch me from the get-go. Nice job with the descriptions as well. I didn't know what Gorebyss or Lumineon were so I had to look them up and you did a good job describing them.

Try and avoid blocks of dialogue in the future. It's not bad particularly, but you should at least mix some gestures in now and then and make the characters jump off the page (or the screen in this case). Usually when people are yelling at eachother they aren't just standing stiff with arms at their sides, you know?

Also, don't use adjectives such as "beautiful" to describe people, especially if it isn't written in first person or describing the thoughts of a character like "she was the most beautiful thing his eyes ever layed on". As the saying goes, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". What you think is beautiful and what I think is beautiful can be two completely different things. So next time, try something like "her long blond hair flowed in waves as she walked to her spot on the arena, the blush on her cheeks shining radiantly from the lights hanging low from the ceiling". Okay, bad example, but I just thought it up on the spot and wasn't going to put too much work into it. Also, using the word beautiful to describe a character just screams Mary Sue.

Overall, it's looking pretty good so far and I'm looking forward to what happens next. Good job and keep it up!


Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:34 pm
Profile
I need to shut the **** up
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:18 am
Posts: 254
Location: A random Place in Wales
Oh God, oh dear, I seem to have painfully neglected my Fanfic. Here we go again!


Shelley burst into the Stadium, where all the battles took place. She whirled around and glared at her sister.

“Bring it, you egocentrical, narcissic bitch,” hissed Aurora. She never usually got this angry, but this was an exception.

“Sure,” said Shelley, coolly, “I will.”

She walked to the far side of the Stadium, and in a flash her Huntail was in the water, rearing to go.

“You do me proud, Squirtle,” whispered Aurora, and Squirtle slid into the water, looking grim.

“Let the battle begin!” giggled Shelley. It was malice through and through, no glee or joy in it.

“Squirtle! Bubblebeam!” commanded Aurora, and Squirtle complied; a stream of glowing, air filled orbs powered through the air towards Huntail. But just as it was about to hit the blue serpent……

“Agility!”

With incredible speed, Huntail dodged the beam, leaving the bubbles to smash harmlessly against the wall. Huntail was now underwater, and Squirtle looked terrified……

Huntail burst from the water, glowing with energy, and smashed into Squirtle. The Giga Impact was too much for the poor Tiny Turtle Pokémon, and it keeled over into the water, completely unconscious and with its shell cracked. Aurora gasped and picked it up with a strangled sob.

“How DARE you!” she cried, although Shelley was still smirking. A beam of red light flew from the Pokéball in Aurora’s hand and it returned inside to rest.

“This is the last straw.” hissed Aurora angrily. She marched out and grabbed supplies that she had been packing for months.

“Where the hell are you going?” snapped Misty.

Aurora took a deep breath and answered.

“Anywhere away from here.”

{chingling}

_________________
Maybe, just maybe, you'll find me there, waiting......
Well, conman2k8 has done it again. Find him at Fusions Market!!
Image
OMG! Ender at the End Shop is AMAZING!!! Visit it now: End Shop!!


Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:49 am
Profile
Gym Leader
Gym Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2006 11:09 pm
Posts: 3228
Location: Anywhere and everywhere, coming for you.
Oh no, Squirtle! D:

Naww, I wanted Misty to be the nicer sister. :(

{chingling}

_________________
Image


Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:42 am
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2007 7:18 pm
Posts: 90
Location: L.A.
nice start! ;) 8/10 though but stilll good a B- :D

_________________
Image
Credit to spiritomb for signiture.


Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:17 pm
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:36 pm
Posts: 58
Location: In the Umbreon Guild, where you can get awesome avatars and fusions!
This is good, solid writing, I'm enjoying the story a lot. I especially like the way Squirtle's shell was cracked. Not enough people focus on the actual injuries a pokemon might recieve in a battle, and that bugs me.

Your chapters are a little short which is dissapointing! I want to read more! Also, I don't know if you're planning on doing this, but further background info on the charecters in later chapters would be cool; you've gotten me curious as to what these sister's backstories are. Other than that, I liked the descriptions of the charecters throughout the battle, and the usage of correct grammer (this is a major plus, not enough people do that anymore). Can't wait to read more!

_________________
Image

Thanks to Ender for the awesome signature.


Wed Jun 24, 2009 9:23 am
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 11:59 am
Posts: 113
Location: I cannot disclose this information as it might endanger our units in the feild
ok ive read like five of these now, are fan fics supossed to be fun?

_________________
73% of teenagers would cry if they saw Justin Bieber standing on top of a skyscraper about to jump. If you are the 27% sitting there with popcorn and 3D glasses, screaming "DO A BACKFLIP!", copy and paste this as your signature


Wed May 05, 2010 4:15 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 15 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.