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 To Be A Master (K-K+)--Chapter 2 added! 
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Dragon Tamer
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:::Brief Synopsis:::
Set three years after the start of Ash Ketchum's Pokémon adventure, To Be A Master is the adventure of Krys, Ty, and Kevin. Yes, you are going to find similarities to the Anime, because thats what I modeled the fanfic after, with a little pokemonrox96 twist. Enjoy!

:::Character Profiles:::
KrysImage
Age: 10
Birthday: July 5th (older than Ty by 10 minutes)
Profession: Contest Co-Ordinator "in-training"
Personality: Caring, Determined
Pokémon: {bulbasaur}
Ribbons: None


TyImage
Age: 10
Birthday: July 5th
Profession: Trainer
Personality: Strong-Willed, Smart, Determined
Pokémon: {charmander} {weedle}
Badges: None


KevinImage
Age: 10
Birthday: June 29th
Profession: Trainer
Personality: Tough, sympathetic, ambitious, "father" of the group
Pokémon: {pikachu}
Badges: None


Gary Oak
Age: 13
Birthday: Unknown
Profession: Trainer
Personality: Snobby, over-ambitious
Pokémon: {blastoise}
Badges: All Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn


:::Rules of commenting:::
All I ask is that you are courteous. Constructive critisism, please.
And Now...

:::The Story:::
Part 1- Kanto: Boulder Badge to Rainbow Badge
Chapter 1: A New Beginning


7 AM. The alarm sounded. Krys and Ty had just woken up and turned on the TV. Channel 3’s news was on. News anchor Cheryl Blaze was blabbering something. Krys had just managed to make something out of it. “Today, young folks are jam-packed and smashed together in line to get their starter Pokémon… Samuel Oak…..Bulbasaur….Charmander…Squirtle…”

“Ty, Ty! Ty, wake up! Today’s THE day! We’re going to be Pokémon Trainers!” Ty gave her a lazy look and rolled back to bed. Krys pulled Ty off the bed and dragged him downstairs.

“Krys, what- OW- are- OW- you do- OW- ing- OW!?!? KRYS!”


Outside, Krys and Ty were in back of the 1000 soon-to-be Trainers, and then some. Next to them was another soon-to-be Trainer. Some lady was yelling at him. “Don’t get into trouble, and do NOT talk to strangers!”

“Hey there,” Krys began. “I’m Krys and this is my brother, Ty. What the HECK is that lady screaming, and why is she screaming at you?”

“My name’s Kevin. That’s my mom. Don’t ask why she’s yelling that. She’s really overprotective.”

“Will you travel with us when we begin our journeys? I would rather travel with you than with Krys, but- OW! Krys, what was that for?!?” Ty was doubled over in pain, grateful he hadn’t had a big breakfast.

“Sure. Why not?” Kevin seemed nice enough. The threesome was at the front of the line when an amplified cackle started and a Meowth balloon rose from behind Oak’s lab. The amplified voice began another speech. “HahahahahaHA! Prepare for trouble! And make it double! To protect the world from devastation! To untie all peoples within our nation! To denounce the evil of truth and love! To extend our reach to the stars above! Jessie! James! Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare to fight! Meowth, that’s right!”

“Who are you?” Ty had his classic “you-idiot” look on his face.

“We are Team Rocket! Why does nobody know us?” Jessie cackled. Under the balloon there was a large fishnet with dozens of Pokéballs. “HahahahahaHA! No more trainers, no more problems!”

“Not if I can help it,” Oak’s grandson, Gary said. Behind him was the chorus from his cheerleaders: “Gary, Gary, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can!” Three years ago, he received his starter, Squirtle. It had fully evolved now “Blastoise, I choose you! Use Hydro Pump on that balloon!” Sure enough, the stream of water popped the balloon, and the net dropped, releasing the Pokéballs. “Good job Blastoise. Return.”

“We’re blasting off again!” Team Rocket yelled.

At last, Krys, Ty, and Kevin could begin their journey. They valiantly entered Oak’s lab, where there were only two Pokéballs. “I need one too,” Kevin said.

“There’s one in the back of the lab,” Prof. Oak began. “I would rather not give it to you, but seeing as you probably don’t want to wait, I’ll give it to you.” He went to the back of the lab, and retrieved the Pokéball. Without any warning, it opened with a marvelous light show. A yellow rodent, with a thunderbolt tail emerged. “This is Pikachu,” Oak explained. “Be careful; it’s rather stubborn and quite scared right now.”

“Pi…Ka…CHUUU!” Pikachu let out a Thunderbolt that threw Prof. Oak and Kevin backwards.

“I’ll take Bulbasaur,” Krys said, then grabbed the Pokéball.

“Then it looks like I get Charmander,” Ty exclaimed, then swiftly took the Pokéball.

“OK. Now that we have given out the starters, I also have these for you.” Oak turned his back and removed three packages. “Inside these kits are five Pokéballs, and a Pokédex.” Oak handed the parcels out. “I assume you don’t want to wait here any longer.” As the trio turned, Oak stopped Kevin. “You’re going to need these.” He threw Kevin a pair of rubber gloves, and with that, the trio left.


Last edited by pokemonrox96 on Mon Apr 13, 2009 3:12 pm, edited 4 times in total.



Sat Feb 28, 2009 5:30 pm
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Hmmmm. This sounds pretty good. Keep it up. My problem is - and I may be wrong, as I am only 13 - I think it goes a little too fast. I mean, the moment thety arrive outside the lab they ask Kevin to tag along, then Team Rocket come and Gary defeats them, and then I thought that there were loadsa trainers before them? And they just got into his lab, like, straight away. I might be wrong, comedianmasta and Crimson are the real experts in the area.
Hope you found this constructive! :)

~ {dragonite} Chingling {chingling} ~

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:09 am
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Dragon Tamer
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Thanks, and like I havent said: I'm new to this and this part was unedited. ill try to slow it down for CHapter 2. comedianmaster and crimson ARE the kings of FanFics. I just was hoping people would like it. Ill iron out those details.

THANX!


Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:13 am
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Ace Trainer
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I've said it before, and I'll say it again. A story is only as good as the descriptions given within it. I have no clue what Ty or Krys looks like. I only what you gave us in the over view, and even then, that's never an excuse to for go descriptions. Even the Pokemon and Gary need descriptions. Never-ever-ever-ever-EVER think that the reader will assume what they look like. There may be people who'll read this that don't know a hoot about Pokemon, and they'll be incredible lost.

And this might sound highly opinionated (because it is), but the story line is incredibly Cliche. Not to mention predictable.

So, work on those descriptions, and you should always go through and proof read before posting.

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:30 am
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Thank you. im in the process of creating sprites for the characters, and ill definitley try to curb that predictability.


Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:16 am
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I'm... I'm so flattered... and BTW Crimson's a chick... so... yeah... She doesn't like the term chick so I use it. It's K we're friends :).

Anyway, yeah I thought it was good. I actually want to comment how you're taking the comments. You're doing a really good job of accepting the advice and hopefully you'll put it into good practice. Even myself has troubles with the simplest of things, Discriptions. I think Ghost would have a heart attack if he read some of my work, because sometimes I don't describe people until later on and sometimes not at all! I've updated things over time but unfortunatley non of my books are perfect.


Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:43 am
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Dragon Tamer
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well i suppose one way to get around the descriptions is the character profiles.... yes im lazy...
:lol:
i think ill start chapter 2 tomorrow.. and this time, im gonna get it edited :!:


Last edited by pokemonrox96 on Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:06 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Thank you for the complement, but there are some things that need to be hashed out.


  1. You don't get to be lazy in writing because someone will always call you out on it.

  2. There shouldn't be a need for you to post your characters' profiles unless you intend to have so many characters that you it will be confusing otherwise. That's just how I feel about the matter in general.

  3. Posting your characters' profiles is not an excuse for not describing our characters...ever.

  4. Do not use chat-speak in this forum. Especially with a word like "tomorrow." 2 does not mean the same thing as too or to, and it should not be used as a substitution. You won't be taken seriously, you'll annoy other members, and it won't help your grammar and spelling.


Ghosty, lovely to see you as always. Comedian, I'm not totally against the word; it's just not one I'm used to. ^^;; But yes, I am female.

You are doing a wonderful job with the critiques. I typically focus on the technical issues, rather than the content just so you know.

Gary would be 13 if this was set after the beginning of Ash's adventure. He wouldn't be receiving a pokemon either. At the moment there are...too many ellipses in the first paragraph, and I'm not even sure why they're there. Italicizing a word works well for adding emphasis. Every time a different character speaks or does something, you need to add a space. That means, in the second paragraph, you need to add a return after the dialogue.

"What the heck," isn't the phrase you were looking for here. "Why the heck," is what you meant. That sentence in general could be shortened to: "Why the heck is that lady screaming at you?"

Omit "that" in the following paragraph.

What did Krys do to Ty to make him double over?

Is...the interlude with Team Rocket really necessary? Things like laughter or screaming can be described as such. You don't need to spell out "hahahahahaha" when you can say cackled, laughed, or chortled.

It really isn't that bad, but there's room for improvement. Reference the books you like and see how they write dialogue because that's where (I think) your weakest point is.

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Sun Mar 01, 2009 3:40 pm
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OK. for the NTH time:
ive never written something like this. it was unedtied. ill rewrite it ASAP, as well as the profiles. im only 13. gimme a break. its not going to a NY times bestseller.
crimson, youre coming across to me like the kind of person who thinks shes betteer than anyone else. RELAX, ill get to it when i can.
ill get to the rewrites ASAP.


Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:31 pm
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I apoligize for coming across that way; that wasn't my intention. I tend to come across that way when I'm critiquing because I'm paying more attention to what I'm reading rather than what I'm typing. Trust me when I say, you're not bad. I'm just blunt. Really, that's all it is. I'm telling you things that will help you improve, not to discourage you.

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 1:47 pm
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Quote:
I apoligize for coming across that way; that wasn't my intention. I tend to come across that way when I'm critiquing because I'm paying more attention to what I'm reading rather than what I'm typing. Trust me when I say, you're not bad. I'm just blunt. Really, that's all it is. I'm telling you things that will help you improve, not to discourage you.
I apoligize for coming across that way; that wasn't my intention. I tend to come across that way when I'm critiquing because I'm paying more attention to what I'm reading rather than what I'm typing. Trust me when I say, you're not bad. I'm just blunt. Really, that's all it is. I'm telling you things that will help you improve, not to discourage you.


dont worry. i like having people giving me major criticism.

EDIT: here is Chapter 2.
:::The Story::: (I apologize if it is so short...)
Chapter 2: Catch of the Day

Krys was always the first one up at home back in Pallet Town. Today, although being two miles away from the twins’ home, was no different. She awoke to a bright, golden yellow sun set on a pale, sea blue background. She walked over to a shallow pool, splashed water on her face, then removed a washcloth from her backpack and began to wash up.

Ty yawned and stretched. His hand moved as if to shut off an alarm, but instead his hand collided with the dusty earth and he abruptly gave a start. “Whaaa…? Where’s the alarm clock?” He turned his head to see trees and another male body. He screamed.

After being yelled at, Kevin made an attempt to all back asleep but thought better of it and forced himself to wake up. “Who’s yelling at me?” He asked. Ty shyly raised a hand. “Why did you yell?” Ty shrugged, although he knew the real answer. Kevin snatched up Ty’s Pokéball and sent out Charmander. “Please make a fire so I can make breakfast,” Kevin ordered.

“Char,” it said, and its tail caught the branch pile on fire. Kevin took out a container of berries that were picked prior to this morning. Kevin built a small ledge for the container to rest on, and then placed the berry-filled container on the ledge. In three minutes, the berries were ready.

“Breakfast is served,” Kevin proclaimed. The trio gathered around “breakfast” and didn’t stop until there were three berries left- one each for the three Pokémon.

After the team filled their stomachs, they set off on their way. A few minutes after leaving, a yellow caterpillar with a stinger on its head inched along the dirt path. Ty opened up his Pokédex. “Weedle,” it said. “The Hairy Bug Pokémon. It eats its weight in leaves every day. It fends off attackers with the needle on its head.”

“Hello, Weedle,” Ty declared. “It’s time for you to join us.” He pressed the small circle of the Pokéball and it expanded to twice its original size. “Pokéball, let’s go!” He sent the sphere flying towards the Weedle. The stinger made contact with the Pokéball and returned it back to Ty. “Aw, nuts,” he sighed. Just then, a teenage girl ran out of the bush. “Who are you?” Ty asked.

“Me? Oh, my name’s Lisa.” The wind blew Lisa’s long, brunette ponytail to the side. She looked down at the Weedle, who gazed back at her. “What were you doing trying to take my Weedle for yourself? You must be a part of Team Rocket!”

“What? No, we’re not Team Rocket!” Kevin exclaimed, stupefied by the comment. “We didn’t know you owned the Weedle; what were you doing, letting your Weedle roam free?”

“To be honest, it ran away from me.” Lisa sighed. “I guess I’m not good enough for it.” She sighed again, but more dramatically.

“I don’t think that’s the problem. I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. There’s no perfect in life. There’s only excellent.” Kevin seemed to know a lot on the subject, arising question by Krys.

“Wow, Kevin, you know a lot on this,” Krys said.

“My parents drill that in my head all the time; they knew I was going to leave eventually,” Kevin explained. Behind his back, Lisa was apologizing profusely to Weedle, who didn’t seem to care much.

The sun had reached its highest point in the day, and Lisa was beginning to leave. “Weedle,” she began. “We have to get home. Return.” A red light shot out from the Pokéball and Weedle was returned to the sphere. However, as Lisa turned to leave, the Pokéball broke open and Weedle began to inch over to Ty. “No, Weedle. Return.” She tried again, and several more time after the second, but Weedle did not want to go back to Lisa. Lisa watched, distraught, as Weedle finally made its way over to Ty. “Weedle must really like you,” Lisa said. “Would you like it?”

Ty didn’t really know what to say. “Uh….s-s-sure!” He said through stammers.

“OK. Well, bye, Weedle,” Lisa concluded, and then broke down into sobbing fits.

“Do I take the Pokéball now?” Ty inquired.

“Go ahead. It’s yours now,” Kevin explained. A bittersweet turn of events. Ty “catches” his first Pokémon. “What else will happen? A meteor falls out of the sky?” Kevin said sarcastically.


Tue Mar 03, 2009 5:21 am
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