Joined: Sun May 04, 2008 12:48 pm
Location: United Kingdom, or according to Nintendo nowhere as our country normally doesn't exist to them.
This the prologue to a story im planning on writing, i just wanted to put up the first chapter and get some feed back before I go on and write the entire story
The gym leader set on a chair overlooking the battle field as one of his trainees battled the challenger to the gym. He’s sitting there with a tried look on his face, closing his eyes he listens to the commands the trainers were giving their Pokémon.
“Drifloon use shadow ball on that Yanmega” The trainer called out to his Pokémon.
The floating Pokémon responded and fired off the dark ball of shadowy gloop at the gym trainers Pokémon knocking it back. The gym trainer knowing his second Pokémon was more than capable of countering the Drifloon called out to the Yanmega to use u-turn to do some damage to the Drifloon while switching out. The gym leader rolled his closed eyes at his trainees’ bad choice.
“Idiot.” He thought to himself, unaware of the Pokémon using her psychic abilities to read his thoughts, “Why would he, a, teach that Pokémon a physical move then, b, use it to escape when he could clearly beat it with what he had.”
“Go, Electabuzz.” The gym trainer called as he tossed the great ball out on to the battle field, releasing the Pokémon.
The gym leader’s expression didn’t change and his eyes didn’t open. There is no excuse for failing now the gym leader thought. The Electabuzz launched a thunder punch at the Drifloon knocking it out in one shot, as this took place a Pokémon teleported next to the chair.
“So he actually managed to take the Drifloon down then” the Gardevoir muttered to the gym leader. Opening his eyes the gym leader looked at the Gardevoir next to him and slowly nodded. Looking down at the battle field the Pokémon and human saw the challenger toss a poké ball onto the field and out came the challengers final Pokémon for the 2-on-2 practice battle, an Onix.
“Ready Onix” The trainer shouted up to the giant Pokémon on the field, who roared back in confirmation.
“Electabuzz use ice punch” The gym trainer called out, with the Electabuzz responding appropriately, hitting the Onix hard. However the massive Pokémon was barely fazed and struck back with a powerful earthquake knocking the Electabuzz back against the trainee send them back to the trembling wall.
The gym leader and Gardevoir acted as if nothing was even happening, and with their experience this was a pretty mild quake. However this caused the gym leader to open his eyes, expecting the worse, he might actually HAVE to battle the challenger. Looking down he saw the trainee release the Yanmega onto the battlefield into the expected stone edge from the Onix.
“Looks like we’re up Jess.” The gym lead moaned as he stood up, with the Yanmega getting knocked out on the battle field below him, “What’s the bet that he doesn’t understand the gym rules.” He asked the Gardevoir walking beside him down to the field.
“No idea Stephen, but to be honest I don’t care, I just want a good battle.” The Gardevoir simply answered. “What 3 are you taking out. I’m using Abigail, Sparky and Chimecho.” She countered while looking though a small pile of poké balls, great balls and ultra balls picking out the 3 which contained the Pokémon she wanted to use for the upcoming gym leader battle. To which Stephen just shrugged and took 3 poké balls out of his pocket. However they are not normal looking poké balls. One of them is a Premier Ball another is a Luxury Ball while the third is a rare cherish ball.
“The usual.” He plainly said. “You ready to defend the honour of the Möbius Gym, Jess?” The door to the battle field open and the two trainers walked out on to the field.
“Hello young trainer, how have you been finding our gym trainees? Good?” Stephen rattled off with a slightly bored tone to his voice. “Now you have defeated the 4 trainees of this gym I accept your challenge to the Möbius gym.” The young trainers’ eyes gleamed with anticipation and he listened intently to the gym leaders words. “Here are the rules for the battle: It will be a 6 on 6 double battle, me and my joint leader with use 3 each and you will use 6, and wherever possible all side must have 2 Pokémon on the field at anytime.” Stephen Yawned. “Sorry. Both the challenger and gym leaders will be allowed to switch Pokémon at any point during the battle.”
“Wait ... what?” the challenger queried. “Normally the gym leaders are not allowed to change Pokémon during battle, why can you?”
Stephen rolled his eyes and stuck his hand out to Jessica who put a 10 poké note into his hand. “It's because this gym does not have a specific type we use. As a result, unlike say a water type gym, we don’t have many Pokémon with similar moves and abilities. As a result in order for us to give you a fair battle worthy of earning a badge we must be able to switch and counter you Pokémon in the same way you will to ours.” Stephen looked at the clock above the referees’ podium and nodded to the referee who was walking to the podium to be ready soon. “Are you ready?”
“Ye...Yes sir and ma’am.” The challenger said to Stephen and Jessica.
“Both challenger and Gym leader release your Pokémon on to the battle field and prepare for battle.”
The challenger threw two poké balls out onto the battle field releasing an Exploud and an Omastar. “Go Abigail” Jessica called out while tossing the poké ball from her hand onto the field, “and go Arkbird” Stephen called out while tossing the cherish ball onto the field. The challenger face showed the classic confused look all the challengers at the gym have when battling the leaders. Not many of them are used to battling a gym leader who has nicknamed their Pokémon. The challenger looked at the balls as they opened releasing the Pokémon held within, in this case Jessica's Absol and Stephen’s Togekiss.
“Begin the Battle.” The referee called out to the 3 trainers on the battle field.
“Exploud use Screech on the Absol and Omastar use Rock Blast on the Togekiss.” The challenger called out to his Pokémon.
“Arkbird use Aura Sphere on the Omastar fast!” Stephen called out to the Togekiss “and Abigail use Night Slash on the Exploud.” Jessica called out to the Absol. The two gym leaders Pokémon attacked before the challengers could even move. The Togekiss fired off a glowing ball of energy at the Omastar who just seemed to stand there unable to move as the ball hit the Pokémon square in the face sending it flying backwards against the wall behind the challenger. A second after the Togekiss moved the Absol next to him moved jumping into the air as the scythe on the side of her head glowed with a black light, with a flick of her head the Absol sent a dark edge towards the unwitting Exploud who like the Omastar next to him was sent flying backwards, slamming against the wall behind the challenger. Both the Exploud and Omastar were out cold.
“The challengers Pokémon are unable to battle” the referee call out while holding a red flag out on the side of the two gym leaders.
“Oh wow, Exploud and Omastar return.” The trainer held both the Pokémon’s poké balls and a red light glowed on both Pokémon as they returned to the poké balls. “Sorry guys.” The trainer apologised to the poké balls as he put them back while getting two more balls. “Go Bagon and Blastoise.” The trainer called out while throwing out two more poké balls on to the field which released the Pokémon the trainer called out.
“Ready Jess?” Stephen asked while looking across at his fellow gym leader, who nodded in reply and looked out knowing exactly what move both Stephen is going to use and what move to use herself.
“Arkbird use air slash on the Bagon.” Stephen called out with a slight sadness in his voice, “And use night slash on Blastoise Abigail” Jessica told her Absol while trying to add some excitement to the battle.
“Blastoise withdraw and Bagon use head butt on the Absol.” The trainer desperately called out to his Pokémon, knowing that they were too slow to react in time to stop the attacks from the gym leaders Pokémon from hitting. The Togekisses wings flap strongly and quickly causing the air to slice across the battle field hitting the Bagon trying to ram the Absol with its head, knocking the small dragon to the floor. As the Blastoise tried to tuck into its shell the Absol’s dark attack hit incredibly hard, even for one of her attacks. Both of the challengers Pokémon again fell with only one hit.
“Both the challengers Pokémon are unable to battle.” The referee declares while holding up the red flag. While the challenger returned both Pokémon to their poké balls.
“I withdraw.” The challenger stated, “To win now is impossible.”
“Oh well, you tried” Jessica told the challenger walking up to him. “You need to train your Pokémon to a higher level and focus on their defences. Any thoughts Stephen?” The words fell on empty space. Stephen had walked off back into the back room yawning. “OK then, we await your next challenge.” The challenger turns and leaves the room with his head held low.
“STEPHEN!!” Jessica yelled out and chased the gym leader into the back room.
Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:09 am
Location: In his imagination, imaginating things.
commas and apostrophes would be helpful.
also watch your tense shifts. You go from " he (sat) there" to "He's sitting there", and I noticed a few others too.
some parts are a tad confusing in the details, but I like the way you describe the pokemon battle.
It's an interesting start. I'd like to see more.
olim est virgo Troiana
quae incensus cogitat grama esse bonus.
incendit per noctam,
et sic excitavit;
invenit veru magnum ano.