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 Jun's Road to Greatness 
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Dragon Tamer
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Joined: Sat May 05, 2007 6:21 pm
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So here is a fan fiction I have come up with, and it takes place in the same world and roughly time as the anime, so there may be a few characters based on people from it, for example the main character... anyway, this is how it starts

Chapter 1: Towards Sandgem Town

Jun was standing at his front door and said “Bye mom, see you around” said Jun as he ran out the door catching up with his friend.

“Jun, you forgot your postcard” screamed his mother.

“Wait one second” demanded Jun as he ran back and grabbed his postcard and ran back to his friend.

“So you ready to get your first Pokemon Lucas?” asked Jun.

“Of course, I am going to win the Pokemon League” explained Lucas in his red hat, with blue hair dark blue and white shirt, blue jeans and red scarf.

“Not if I win first” challenged Jun.

“There you go again with your great lying skills” proclaimed Lucas

“Ok when have I ever lied?” questioned Jun.

“You said your Houndour ate your homework even though you don’t have one, the time you went to the lake and you said you were at my house and don’t forget that survey the girls in our school sent around “Do you like someone at this school” and you said no” rambled Lucas.

“Hey I don’t have a crush on anyone in our school” defended Jun

“Do you really think I am that stupid Jun, you can’t fool me” explained Lucas.

A Biberal appeared out of no where and it started attacking because they where too close to his dam

“What are we going to do?” asked Lucas

“Run!” screamed Jun.

Two more Biberal jumped out and boxed the two boys in and without a Pokemon, their was nothing they could do.

“Ivysaur, use Razor Leaf!” said a voice as a powerful razor leaf came and hit the three Biberal, knocking them out.

“Thank you” phrased Lucas as he looked at Ivysaur’s Trainer.

“Don’t worry about it, but I could use your help on something, I am suppose to head to a Professor Rowan’s lab, Professor Oak wanted me to give him a new Pokeball he made, oh by the way, I am Amanda said the girl with long brown hair, green eyes, blue sleeveless shirt, white hat and red skirt.

“I am Jun, and my stargazed friend here is Lucas, he usual get’s like this when he sees either a strong Pokemon or a pretty girl, he has made a fool of himself many of times”

“Jun you tell that to a complete stranger! You idiot!” exclaimed Lucas.

Jun and Amanda laughed, but then Amanda asked “where is Sandgem town?” questioned Amanda.

“Follow me” said Lucas as he lead the way

Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:46 am
I need to shut the **** up
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Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:18 am
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Location: A random Place in Wales
This ff has good potential, justa coupla things....
Punctuation: full stops, commas, capital letters, etc.
There's a lot of speech. Try and vary between speech and descriptions. What does jun look like?
{dragonite} Chingling {chingling}

Maybe, just maybe, you'll find me there, waiting......
Well, conman2k8 has done it again. Find him at Fusions Market!!
OMG! Ender at the End Shop is AMAZING!!! Visit it now: End Shop!!

Sat Nov 15, 2008 10:59 am
Dragon Tamer
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first of all thanks, and as for what he looks like, if I told you what he looked like you would easily figure out who he is based on, but I will give you a little push, think of who the others are and you may find the answer

Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:22 am
Pokemon Ranger
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I applaud you for paragraphing this out as opposed to making it a huge block of text. A lot of new writers do that. Thank you for doing that.

Well, frankly, the grammer is very poor. Type out the entire passage in word, and let grammer check do its magic. Also, start a new paragraph when there is a new person speaking.

Speaking of speaking, there is a lot of dialouge. Try to include more of what the people are doing as they say these things. This is what I like to call "talking heads".

Also, I noticed a lot of said substitutes. Every creative writing class you take in middle or high school will discourage using "said", but they are lying. "Said" is so disgustingly bland that the mind glances over the word, causing the flow to continue. However, the mind must stop and contimplate long, flowy words, disrupting the flow.

Any time a sentence of dialogue would end in a period, replace the period with a comma. If it ends in a question mark or exclamation point, leave those. You came close to following this rule, but simply deleted the period altogether.

Also, remember to show, don't tell. Look at this:

A Biberal appeared out of no where and it started attacking because they where too close to his dam

Thank you for not using suddenly, because that's a frequent problem with new writers. Terrible word.

Now, you simply state they were too close to the dam. Instead, have Jun or Lucas notice a dam nearby and figure this out.

I think you have potential with this. Just work on what I mentioned and you can be very good.

Sun Nov 16, 2008 1:52 pm
Dragon Tamer
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So I want to see who you think Jun is based on, come on, take a guess, it is not that hard, and sorry if this is too much dialogue, this was what I came up with and I am sorry if it is too much dialogue.

Chapter 2: Into Sandgem

Lucas was walking and talking with Jun and Amanda. Jun noticed something very odd about Lucas, he wasn’t being as opened as he normally is, talking more like one would talk to a member of royalty. Jun though was getting very tired of this slow speed of which they were walking.

“Oh screw this” said Jun, being very tired of the slow pace they where walking at as he ran very quickly toward Sandgem town.

“Hey, Jun wait up for us” said Amanda as she grabbed Lucas’ hand, she then started to pick up speed, as once again Lucas was stargazed but managed to keep up with Amanda, after twenty seconds Amanda let go of Lucas’ hand and he came back to his senses.

Jun ran into town as Lucas and Amanda catch up and are out of breath, he then ran into the lab and Lucas and Amanda, out of breath, walked up to the lab as well.

``Hello, is Professor Rowan around?” asked Jun as he looked around the lab.

“Yes, I am professor Rowan, and you are?” asked the Professor.

“I am Jun, I got this letter from you a few days ago” explained Jun as he past the postcard to him as Lucas and Amanda walked in.

“Ok then, are these two your friends?” asked Rowan as he pointed to Lucas and Amanda.

“Oh yes” responded Jun..

“Professor Rowan, I was sent here by Professor Oak to give you this” said Amanda as she passed a crystal blue, clear Pokeball to Professor Rowan.

“How interesting, thank you very much” phrased Rowan as he looked at the Pokeball.

“well, I must be going” she stated as she headed towards the door.

“why are you leaving so soon?” questioned an intrigued Lucas.

“well I have to get to Jubilife City today” she said “But thank you two for leading me hear” then she walked up to each of them “and to thank you, here take these Poketechs” as she then handed Jun an Orange Poketech and Lucas a Blue one . They both quickly put on their new watches. She then left the building closing the door.

“So can I see your post card?” questioned Professor Rowan as he looked at Lucas for 2 minutes.

“Hello, earth to Lucas, he is talking to you Lucas” taunted Jun as he knew what was going on.

“Oh sorry, here you go” announced Lucas as he passed the postcard to Professor Rowan.

“All right, here are the Pokemon you can chose from” said Professor Rowan as he passed three pictures to the boys “There is Turtwig, the grass type, Chimchar, the fire type or Piplup the water type, anyone of these will make a great part of your team”.

“I chose Piplup” decided Jun quickly as he chose his Pokemon.

“Are you sure your not lying again?“ asked Lucas sarcastically knowing that Jun wouldn’t lie at something like this and the fact that he only lies when he knows he can get away with it.

“No way would I lie about wanting a Piplup, it would be stupid for me to get a Pokemon I don’t want” rambled Jun “Besides, you know I can’t lie when I know I can’t get away with it, anyway what will you take Lucas?”

“Well… I guess I will take Turtwig” said Lucas as he thought about it for a few moments.

“Good, it looks that I will need to get another Turtwig and Piplup for next weeks trainer” expressed Professor Rowan out loud.

“Which trainer? “ asked Lucas.

“A girl named Dawn is suppose to be coming by next week to chose her starter” explained Rowan.

“Dawn, Jun isn’t that the girl that you have a crush on?” said Lucas, completely knowing the real answer to the question.

“No’ defended Jun, as his cheeks turned red.

Mon Nov 17, 2008 2:28 pm
Dragon Tamer
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Sorry about the red, it is so you can see differences easier, anyway please comment

Chapter 3: Holding Nothing Back

“So, Lucas, are you up for a battle?” asked Jun.

“Right now?” wondered Lucas as he looked confused at Jun.

“Well, the day is almost done, and what else are we going to do, there is no way even I would be able to get to the next town today, let alone you, you Slowpoke” responded Jun as he looked to the setting sun as the golden light could barely be seen.

“I will gladly be the judge” said Professor Rowan

“How dare you call me a Slowpoke! But I see your point, and I want to see what your Pokemon can do.” said Lucas excitedly as he tossed up his Pokeball revealing his Turtwig “show him what you got little buddy”

“Piplup, come out and show us what you are made of” called out Jun as he sent out his newly acquired Pokemon.

“Let the battle begin” stated Professor Rowan.

“Alright let start Piplup, use pound” ordered Jun as his Piplup jumped into the air and hit Turtwig with it’s hand, knocking it back a few inches because of it’s low center of gravity.

“Turtwig, let’s use Tackle” commanded Lucas as his Turtwig ran as fast as it could and pushed all of it’s weight into the attack, launching Piplup back.

“Piplup, Supersonic” said Jun with a loud, sharp noise created by Piplup, Turtwig couldn’t hear his owner, and the attack effected Turtwig more then a minor announce, causing it to be confused.

“Turtwig, Seed Bomb” A dizzy Turtwig looked around, wobbled around and shot the Seeds being shot the wrong way as it headed for Lucas, he quickly jumped out of the way. “Alright, it is our only chance, use Seed Bomb again”

Meanwhile, “and the Challenger’s Dragonite scored another direct hit, on Drapion but can it last much longer after defeating 3 of the opponent’s other Pokemon” commented the announcer.

“Dragonite use Fire Punch” commanded the challenger

“You might have been able to defeat my other Pokemon with that move, but my Drapion is stronger then that” explained Aaron “use Cross Poison” as the sparking yellow fist of the dragon collided with the X formed arms of Drapion which was glowing a light purple.

The Seed Bomb was launched straight up when Turtwig looked up as the seeds fell from the sky and hit Turtwig on the head.

“Piplup, end this with pound” announced Jun as Piplup made a huge jump and launched it’s fist and hit the dizzy Turtwig, and after wobbling around for a few more seconds, it collapsed.

“You win Jun, Turtwig, return” stated a defeated Lucas as he pressed a white button on his Pokeball, recalling his Turtwig.

“Piplup, return” announced Jun as he pressed the button, a red light hit his Piplup as it went into the Pokeball.

The tip of the sun finally fell below the horizon. As the moon shined brightly in the night sky, a light rain started to fall.

“Jun, what are you planning to do for the night?” questioned Lucas.

“I didn’t really think of it, maybe stay at a Pokemon Center” rambled Jun.

“No, no, no Jun, you can’t do that, this is my hometown after all, you aren’t going to be spending one Sandgem night in a Pokemon Center, you can just stay over at my place” responded Lucas.

“Alright then, thanks Lucas” praised Jun

“No problem” exclaimed Lucas

The two friends walked down towards Lucas’ house as the rain fell heavier as the temperature dropped, the two ran into the house.

“Lucas, how are you” said Lucas’ mother “and look, you brought your friend along”

“Ya, he had nowhere to be tonight” responded Lucas.

“Well it is nice to see you Jun” commented Lucas’ mother

“Thank you for having me” phrased Jun.

“Hey, Jun, your dad is on TV look” exclaimed Lucas

“The challenger is in the final moments” announced the announcer

“Drapion, Cross Poison” commanded Aaron as his Drapion’s arm started to glow a purple as they crossed. Drapion started to charge toward Dragonite.

“Dragonite, Hyper Beam” yelled Jun’s father as a yellow ball built up in Dragonite’s mouth and as Drapion was inches away from Dragonite a powerful light yellow beam hit Drapion, as it tried to stay balanced, but was launched back. Drapion landed on it’s back.

“Drapion is unable to battle, the challenger is the winner, tune in next time, in Jubilife city when he takes on Bertha.

Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:47 am
Pokemon Ranger
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“The challenger is in the final moments” announced the announcer

"This is redundant." Critiqued the critic.


Sun Dec 14, 2008 11:45 am
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