It is currently Sat Nov 22, 2014 7:34 pm



This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 12 posts ] 
 Blastoise 
Author Message
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2006 11:20 am
Posts: 274
Blastoise was shimmering in the silver moonlight. I led out my hand, slowly at first, cautious of it's sea blue eyes that appeared to hide a torrent of mysteries and adventures. As my feminine hands reached out to caress his gentle breast, he discharged his special attack onto a Voltorb that was aiming to trap me and challenge me to a fight. I was so happy! I could have kissed Blastoise, but he was in fact a figment of my imagination. I was distressed and distraught. People always laugh at me for loving Blastoise, and say things like "Ugh Charamander is better hurpidy durp", anyone else would have played Digimon but I just did the mash, I did the monster mash.

_________________
ERROR


Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:14 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
The only positive thing that I can say about this is the fact that the grammar is decent.

This...piece...is random and has no direction. It is just a bunch of random sentences glued together, and that doesn't make for a good story. The only advice that I can give is for you to scrap this and to start over.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:04 am
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2006 11:20 am
Posts: 274
Crimson wrote:
The only positive thing that I can say about this is the fact that the grammar is decent.

This...piece...is random and has no direction. It is just a bunch of random sentences glued together, and that doesn't make for a good story. The only advice that I can give is for you to scrap this and to start over.



This is not a story. This is a real experience.

I knew I would get this posting my experience here. Trolls, rude people and non believers.


Thanks for the tip though! I'll be continuing my experience throughout the coming weeks and months, as I am busy with work at the moment.

_________________
ERROR


Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:59 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
A personal experience? How exactly was I supposed to know that it was a personal experience with out you saying so? It's fine to write a personal essay, I'm doing that for school right now, but it's still randomly placed. Even if something's short, it can't bounce from one idea to the next with nothing to really connect the pieces and make some sort of flow.

So, the next time that you want to post a personal experience go ahead. Make an author's comment, so that people know that it is a personal experience. Also, try to spend a little more time actually constructing it than a few minutes.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:52 am
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2006 11:20 am
Posts: 274
Crimson wrote:


So, the next time that you want to post a personal experience go ahead.





Should I ask you first?

What with you being the master of literature and all.


You're just envious because Blastoise had a special experience with me, albeit a non sexual one. If it weren't for that meddling Voltorb, he would have blew me. **** was so SPASH.

_________________
ERROR


Mon Oct 20, 2008 12:20 pm
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2006 11:09 am
Posts: 328
Location: Hiding Out Until Things Cool Down...
...

no comment on most things except your sad it was non-sexual? Dude... wow... umm... yeah.


Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:08 pm
Profile YIM WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
No don't ask me; I'd rather you didn't. I don't care that you're writing a personal experience, and I certainly couldn't care less if Blastoise was wearing a pink tutu, and that meant something to you. Please try to watch what you say, this is a pokemon forum with kids on it. I do care, however, that you did a poor job of it and are getting upset that someone's actually pointed it out. I'm not the "master of literature" as you said. I never said I was. You can't post something in a writing forum and expect only good comments; that's just idiotic. The fact is that I said what I thought, and it upset you. So, go take a walk or do what you have to in order to calm down, come back and critically look at what you wrote.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Mon Oct 20, 2008 2:39 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
I'm going to try really hard to be productive here...

Quote:
Blastoise was shimmering in the silver moonlight. I led out my hand, slowly at first, cautious of it's sea blue eyes that appeared to hide a torrent of mysteries and adventures. As my feminine hands reached out to caress his gentle breast...


OK, you're starting out just fine...

Quote:
he discharged his special attack onto a Voltorb that was aiming to trap me and challenge me to a fight.


And suddenly randomness takes over. This just feels so quick and strange. This is mashed together and needs to be worded more carefully. I had to read it a couple times to see what you were trying to say.

Quote:
I was so happy!


Ever heard "Show, don't tell"? Instead of saying "I was happy", say something like "My face lit up with delight".

Quote:
I could have kissed Blastoise, but he was in fact a figment of my imagination. I was distressed and distraught.


So...wait...the blastoise was fake, meaning the voltorb ws also fake, and the person is probably wondering why on earth they're seeing a blastoise attacking a voltorb.

Quote:
People always laugh at me for loving Blastoise, and say things like "Ugh Charamander is better hurpidy durp", anyone else would have played Digimon but I just did the mash, I did the monster mash.


What? This is just plain out of place. To this point, our person appears to be just that, a person, and they just witnessed a blastoise attacking a voltorb. And now he's...telling us about how he likes blastoise and not charmander? And now he's going to...dance.

This just feels too disconected and random to work.

*Reads other comments*

Personal experience? You witnessed a blastoise attacking a voltorb and danced? What?

_________________
Image


Mon Oct 20, 2008 5:53 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
No, like, really?

I'm a huge non-believer troll that doesn't want to see this 'non-sexual' work again. You fail to realize that Pokemon are FAKE, NOT REAL, yet you had a personal experience with one. All well and good, so you wrote a paragraph, and a convoluted one at that. You then expected people to know what you felt because you had such a touching personal experience with said Blastoise and then you go and patronize someone for critiquing you.

This paragraph is a sorry, sad piece of literature that is random at best, and your sour attitude isn't making me like it more.

_________________
Image
afk


Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:15 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Lack of life experience? Trolls? Rude? Non believers?

Look, when Mitch posted this, he accepted that the comments given would include constructive critiques. Did you read Crimson's signiture?

I'm not going to stoop to your level and start calling you petty and meaningless names. So stop insulting those who have differing opinions.

_________________
Image


Tue Oct 21, 2008 2:45 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
By calling people names over something like them not agreeing with your "all mighty writing abilities" (which you clearly think that you have), it's showing everyone that you are immature. And you are. I may not know how old you are, but I do know what you think is good writing and the way you react to the honest truth. I clearly remembered your name from the writing contest that I made a while back and the "entry" you made. You should be flattered though! It's because of you that I felt compelled to critique the entries! For those of you wondering, I think it's on page 3 or so of the activities forum.

As Thunder pointed out, there is a reason that my signature says what it says.

I do have a question for you, Mitch, have you ever actually read some of the pieces from the FanFic recommended list? I'm almost willing to bet that you haven't. A lot of people haven't, so don't feel too affronted by that.

Also, as much as I hate to say this, but I don't believe that "Douche" should be taken seriously. For those of you that don't know what his name means, good. All you need to know is that it's completely inappropriate for this site (with pre-teens on it), and he or she knows it. I'm also curious as to why he or she joined in July but did not make a single post until this...experience.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Tue Oct 21, 2008 6:48 pm
Profile
Gym Leader
Gym Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 11:04 am
Posts: 1320
Location: Sky Tower
Locked. Because I said so. Go figure. :/

_________________
Image


Thu Oct 23, 2008 1:32 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.   [ 12 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.