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 broken halo 
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Ace Trainer
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Breaking free to a new world,

Just, a man
Uncorrupted, a soul
Clear, a mind
Unaltered, a spirit

Draft to an old world,

Tired, a man
Tattered, a soul
Blotted, a mind
Drifted, a spirit

Return to the new world

Cruel, a man
Corrupt, a soul
Cloudy, a mind
Twisted, a spirit

Exit the new world

Dead, a man
Dead, a soul
Dead, a mind
Dead, a spirit
Dead, a human.....

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Last edited by Archangel Mikael on Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:33 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Well, I don't know much about poetry, but I do know that you should capitalize the first word of each line.

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Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:41 pm
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what's 'uncurrupt'?

and it sounds like you tried to make the man the exact opposite of what he used to be. 'just' and 'tired' are not opposites.

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Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:57 pm
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breaking free to a new world, = he was born
draft to an old world, = he grew up and was drafted to the army
return to the new world= he returned home many years later a cruel and bitter man
exit the new world= he died a cruel and bitter man

its a gradual metaphor
i know its not good. i just wanted to try out a new form of poetry i think i created. if someone did it before me then i wouldn't have known about

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:36 pm
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Now that you explained it it make MUCH more sense. Thanks.


Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:37 pm
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Crimson wrote:
Well, I don't know much about poetry, but I do know that you should capitalize the first word of each line.


meh, i wouldn't know. i don't write much or care to learn the do's and don'ts. i never even took a class. it isn't in my scope of interest. i just said, ''you know what mike, you never write in the FanFic area'' so i sat down, closed my eyes and wrote the first thing that waddled into my cerebrum's frontal cortex. was it good? possibly. was it bad? most likely. would i do it again? definitly in the future. will i do it enough to pay for classes?

HELLZ NAW

:mrgreen: <3 :mrgreen: BUT I LOVE ALL YAW WHO LOVED MY WORK!!!

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:57 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Capitalization is part of any language class. So, just because you never took a writing class doesn't mean that you shouldn't know anything about capitalization. The point is, that even if you did it for the hell of it, try to care a little bit. For the people reading it, it's kind of like "Oh, well they don't care about what they write, so I won't bother reading it. It'll just be a waste of time."

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Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:37 pm
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<3 kay <3

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:11 pm
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it's good.
And you DON't have to capitalize the first letter of each line if you don't want to.
I like how it flows and fits.

The meaning is quite true and sad. (or else the meaning i got from it.)
very good.

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olim est virgo Troiana
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incendit per noctam,
et sic excitavit;
invenit veru magnum ano.


Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:01 pm
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thanks, that means alot. :mrgreen:

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:33 pm
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