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 The Pokemon Council 
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Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:48 pm
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Location: Australia
Noctowl watched with eyes of concern as the council members filed into the large chamber where they would discuss the events that needed to be addressed. The Supreme Chancellor Wigglytuff was already waiting in the air, floating aloft one of the platforms that revolved slowly around the chamber’s high ceiling. From here she could see all the members of the council. They sat in the chairs around the walls of the chamber and gazed up at Wigglytuff. Row and row of chair circled the chamber all the way up to the highest chairs, which were filled by those council members that were of most importance. Wigglytuff gave Noctowl a nod and he took a deep breath, puffing his chest out and ruffling his feathers. A loud piercing screech rang from Noctowl’s beak and the council session began…

“I object!” Hariyama bellowed. Wigglytuff rolled her eyes. She knew he would.
“Hariyama,” Manectric said in a soothing voice, “the council means no offence. Such a request one could consider an honor,”
“Thankyou Manectric,” Wigglytuff beamed. Hariyama’s chair had risen from its position and was now revolving the high chamber opposite Wigglytuff’s. Another chair soon joined the pair.
“Madam Chancellor, this session must be recessed. There is something you must be shown,” Slowking interrupted.
“Outrageous!” Hariyama bellowed.
“This is all some sick maneuver to win the chancellor more power,” Delcatty hissed, rising in her chair to the upper circle. Manectric followed her, growling with a glare.
“The chancellor would never-“ He began.
“Shut it, dog!” Delcatty fumed.
“Order, please,” Wigglytuff attempted.
“Perhaps the chancellor would prefer if someone took control of proceedings while she saw to her outside business?” Nidoking declared, his voice carrying over the uproar. His chair rose from below, as though he was looming out of the shadows. Wigglytuff and Nidoking glared at each other. Nidoking’s only reason for wanting someone to take control while Wigglytuff left was that he was the next in line to rule the council. Should Nidoking take control of the Pokemon Council there would be dire consequences.
“Never,” Wigglytuff coughed.
“Every member of the council has employed a second to take charge in their absence. It is impossible for you to rule this council and govern your territory as well,” Nidoking continued.
“I should take control,” Delcatty scathed.
“I have the largest army,” Hariyama interjected, his chair swinging forward, “I should take control,”
“Hypnosis,” Noctowl cooed. A shimmering haze swept the room and the council members were lulled into a moment of sleep. Noctowl landed on the back of Wigglytuff’s chair and let out another long cry to awaken the sleeping council. As they awoke they were somewhat calmer.
“If you let me finish,” Slowking drawled, “All of the high council members need to come with me now.”

Slowking was the Pokemon council’s intelligence officer. He manned the laboratories of the council, as well as acted as a liaison between the Pokemon Council and the Psychic Connection. The Psychic Connection was another council, one much smaller and less active. They distanced themselves from the Pokemon Council because their wisdom and foresight was superior to the collective council members. They would offer advice, but no more than that. The Psychic Connection did not let the problems of the council cloud their vision. Slowking had often argued with them that they could use their abilities to help the council govern the Pokemon territories, but they flatly refused. Slowking did however manage to convince them to design the laboratory on Pokemon Island. The giant radar dish was constantly circling and scanning the skies and ground for any abnormality. It was in this laboratory that Slowking showed the council members the massive comet headed directly for the planet. He hung his head as he showed them the data feed in the laboratory hidden deep within the forest next to the mountain that held the council chambers.
“I will rally my armies,” Hariyama declared.
“I’ll send word to the outer colonies,” Manectric added.
“Nice to see everyone finally getting along…” Noctowl sighed under his breath. Nidoking drew himself up to his full height, overshadowing the other Pokemon easily.
“My kingdom have already devised a plan to defend against this,” He gloated.
“Why on Earth do you already have a plan to defend against a comet heading for the planet?” Wigglytuff spat.
“My kingdom like to be prepared,” Nidoking answered.
“You knew,” Noctowl gasped. The group fell silent.
“It’s no secret your laboratories have been studying space recently. You could have found out about this months ago,” Slowking said slowly. Manectric shook his head.
“How long have you known?” Wigglytuff demanded, her voice shrill but controlled.
“Two months. I’ve devised a plan to protect the planet,” Nidoking answered cautiously, eyeing each of the Pokemon before him carefully. Slowking was now shaking his head, fiddling with the computer console.
“What’s your plan?” Manectric asked.
“We gather as many Pokemon as possible at the point of impact to attack the comet head on,” Nidoking began.
“Pointless,” Hariyama dismissed.
“We also have the Mimes release Rayquaza,” Nidoking added gravely. The tension in the room suddenly peaked. Each Pokemon looked at the floor, their hearts racing. The race of Mr. Mime had long ago placed Rayquaza, the beast of the skies, in a prison deep beneath the ocean where they lived, in underwater cities. With the technological advancements the Pokemon had made, Rayquaza’s reign over the sky was now obsolete and so, to keep the beast from getting in the way, he was imprisoned. Wigglytuff had fought against the decision but the council’s vote was for the act. To release him could prove dangerous.
“Who else has the power to stop a comet?” Wigglytuff mourned. The group knew there was no other, and silently they conceded.
“Nidoking, you will have to stay with me at the council chambers and help me oversee the defense,” Wigglytuff admitted. Nidoking did not smile his victory, but inside he leapt with joy.

Back on the island Wigglytuff had gathered Hariyama, Nidoking, Manectric, Delcatty and Slowking in her conference room.
“Slowking, you will need to address the Mimes,” She decided.
“They’ve had dealings with you before and with the severity of our request it’d be best for them to meet with a friend,” Manectric explained. Across the table Delcatty glared at him.
“My land is known for its hospitality, if anyone can pamper them into agreeing, it would be me,” Delcatty argued with a charming smirk.
“But I need you to address the press. I need the Moonshiners to handle the public,” Wigglytuff retorted to Delcatty. She seemed to take this as a compliment. Delcatty’s palace was deep within Mount Moon and her and her Pokemon were very refined. They prided themselves on aesthetics and fine service.
“I will divert all of our power to the island so you can oversee the operation with maximum efficiency,” Manectric offered.
“Thankyou Manectric, the Thunder Kingdom has always been a wonderful asset to the high council,” Wigglytuff smiled.
“Hariyama,” Nidoking started, “You will of course co-ordinate the final attack. Rally your armies at the peak of Mount Silver, from here they will attack the comet directly,”
“What about the Psychic Connection?” Delcatty pondered.
“I am sending someone to meet with them later today,” Slowking nodded slowly.

When the council was formed the Pokemon world was in great disarray. Territories were not set in stone; there was struggle for power in all corners of the land. It had taken a strong force to push the different clans and colonies into order. Chaos had ended with a great war, one that was often told of at twilight when the stars shone their brightest. At the head of this war was a great warrior, one who many considered the hero of the Pokemon world. He was a humble Arbok, still living in a cave in the forest of Pokemon Island, refusing the gifts of wealth offered for his service. His body was scarred and battle worn, yet he could still strike down a Zangoose after a piercing glare of his fabled eyes. Slowking stepped into the cave where Arbok lived with a warm smile.
“What’s wrong?” Arbok asked instantly.
“How do you know something is wrong?” Slowking chuckled.
“You visit me promptly on the first day of each month… It is far too soon for you to visit. What’s wrong?” Arbok answered with a teasing smile.
“If you must know, a comet is about to hit the planet,” Slowking told him seriously. Arbok looked at him for a long time, presuming the old friend was joking.
“You’re serious?” Arbok finally stuttered.
“Oh yes,” Slowking nodded, “and I need you to speak with the Psychic Connection and convince them to lend their power,”
“The Psychic Connection will not help,” Arbok dismissed, turning toward a small pile of berries. He took one and ate it before continuing, “I’ll go, but they won’t agree to help,”
“Thankyou Arbok. I have a transport waiting for you with the best crew I could come up with,” Slowking answered officially.
“I want Sally the Likitung,” Arbok demanded. Slowking laughed aloud.
“I knew you would. She’s outside in the transport waiting for you,” Slowking finished, turning to leave the cave. As Arbok slid into the transport he saw another one lifting off of the ground and flying away. The transports were little more than flying rectangles. They had engines on the sides and a clear, spherical front made of a glass hybrid that was unbreakable. The other transport carried Slowking and his crew as they set off to meet with the Mimes. Lapras was watching the map while Vileplume flew the transport. Slowking sat in his chair and thought about what he would say to the Mimes. How on Earth he would convince them to release Rayquaza he did not know. The task seemed impossible. Still, he was glad that he didn’t have the daunting task of approaching the Psychic Connection. They were intimidating to say the least and Slowking, though he dealt with them constantly, found the entire group irritating beyond comprehension. They could, of course, tell, being that they were psychic.
“We’re entering the water now,” Vileplume told Slowking. He nodded as the transport made a loud mechanical whir and became a boat-like object that crashed into the water and sped off like a rocket.
“We’ll be there in half an hour,” Lapras reported.

Back on Pokemon Island there was trouble afoot. Wigglytuff was in her private chambers when the problem started.
“Delcatty and Manectric have left,” Jynx, her personal assistant, told her. Noctowl flew in through the large open balcony and landed alongside Jynx.
“Hariyama has left also madam,” He reported. The sky outside was growing dark with storm clouds and thunder rolled nearby.
“You better make sure Slowking leaves before the storm starts,” Wigglytuff said.
“I think that’s the least of your worries,” Nidoking cackled, striding through the door with a wicked grin.
“What now?” Wigglytuff sighed. Her question was answered as Hitmonchan entered behind Nidoking holding a Pikachu in his arms. Pikachu was covered in bruises and unconscious.
“What happened?” Wigglytuff shrieked, hurrying forward. Wigglytuff’s door guard Dragonair burst in a moment later and flew through the air like a javelin.
“Get back madam!” She cried, tackling Wigglytuff away from Nidoking. Hypno stepped out of the shadows, appearing from nowhere. His pendulum swung in full circles, emitting shimmering rings that flew toward Jynx. Jynx collapsed immediately as Noctowl took flight toward the balcony. Weezing came wafting in over the railing, forcing Noctowl to turn sharply just in time to see Nidoking grab Wigglytuff and throw her at Hypno. A new trio of shimmering rings sent Wigglytuff to sleep. Noctowl turned again, swooping underneath Weezing and away into the sky.
“Get him!” Nidoking ordered. A Fearow shot into the room and out the balcony. Noctowl swooped and swerved, flying as fast as his wings could carry him. Lightning flashed and crackled around them, Fearow catching up with ease. Noctowl rolled through the sky and sent a blast of hypnosis toward Fearow. The other bird dodged it easily and retaliated with a hyper beam that singed Noctowl’s tail feathers. Noctowl swung out wide and then swerved back in toward Fearow to strike him with a wing attack. Fearow fluttered away momentarily giving Noctowl a chance to charge a shadow ball. As Fearow flew closer to Noctowl he blasted him back with the shadow ball before soaring ahead.
“Fearow is no match, sire,” Hypno drawled, his pendulum still spinning.
“If he escapes he will alert the other council members. We have to stop him,” Nidoking realized.
“Send me, my lord,” Weezing spluttered, bobbing up and down clumsily.
“No…” Nidoking breathed, his rage building. With a mighty roar, his eyes red with fury, Nidoking thrashed out. With a flash of light his most faithful servant appeared, hearing the call.
“Scyther, take to the skies,” Nidoking ordered. Scyther darted out the balcony and was gone with a crack of lightning. He flew with deadly speed until the bird was in his sights and then, with a quick slash, Fearow was gone.
“I don’t like competition,” Scyther smiled as the bird fell, its wing severed. Noctowl was ahead, struggling to fly through the torrential rain. Wind gusted around the pair as the gap between them quickly closed. Noctowl pushed himself, willing to fly faster. There was a flash of lightning and Noctowl saw Scyther at his side. Scyther was most unusual. His body was covered in pieces of black metal that served as armor. Even his scythes were reinforced. His wings were long and birdlike because of extension pieces handcrafted by Scyther himself and it made him a deadly adversary. Another explosion of light and Noctowl’s heart leapt. Ahead he could see a transport. It was Arbok, slowly making his way through the storm to meet with the Psychic Connection. Noctowl pressed ahead and made to land atop the transport.
“Arbok, it’s Noctowl. He’s being chased,” Sally said sternly.
“Open the hatch, let him in,” Arbok ordered.
“Already done,” Sally replied. Noctowl collapsed into the transport and the hatch closed with a thud.
“Nidoking’s taken control of the island,” Noctowl gasped. Arbok’s eyes glowed with shock in the dark transport.
“Who’s chasing you?” Sally asked quickly, fighting with the controls.
“Scyther of the Ilex Throne,” Arbok answered for Noctowl. Outside, in the dark storm, Scyther pointed his scythe at the transport as it hurried away. The armored scythe blasted off of Scyther’s outstretched arm and exploded as it slammed against the transport. Flames and smoke billowed in all directions; rubble flew everywhere until finally the red glow of fire faded and Scyther was left alone in the storming sky. He turned and flew back to Pokemon Island, nodding to Nidoking as he landed on the balcony.
“Electrode, check there are no survivors,” Nidoking ordered. Electrode, connected to a set of jet engines so he could fly, shot out into the storm.

Slowking and his crew were skidding along the sea while the sky overhead slowly loomed darker. The transport was being rocked fierce and Lapras, not for the first time, fell away from her computer. She cursed loudly as she stumbled to her feet, rubbing her head.
“Vileplume, deploy the jet skis,” Slowking decided. Within moments the trio was shooting over the torrential waves on small platforms that carried them faster than the transport, now lying underwater in wait for their return.
“A few more minutes this way and we’ll be right above the capital city,” Lapras called over the crashing waves. There was a crack of thunder and overhead loomed a massive airship of red and purple with sinister markings. Three Gastly came rocketing away from the airship and circled the group.
“By Marowak’s bone, what is this?” Slowking blurted. Lapras broke away from the group as confusion swirled all around her. She struggled with the controls of the Jet Ski, trying to keep from tipping over in the massive waves. The Gastly cackled and laughed, one of the stronger ones blasting Lapras with a shock wave. With a sudden whirring noise there came dozens more Gastly, raining down from above. The sea was alive with the spherical ghosts, laughing and shrieking as they attacked Lapras with malicious brutality. She fell forward and collapsed over the front of the Jet Ski. The Gastly backed away quickly and then in one fluid movement the water around Lapras exploded, shooting up with thunderous catastrophe. Before the water could clear the Gastly had moved on, streaking toward Vileplume.
“Slowking, the capitol is just beyond those rocks,” Vileplume sang, her voice carrying over the raging storm. Slowking turned in time to see the Gastly surround Vileplume, pressing in against her. Vileplume’s body disappeared from Slowking’s view and the Jet Ski shot away into the distance. Slowking turned back to the controls of his own Jet Ski and gunned the engines, willing himself not to join Vileplume and Lapras in their watery graves. He pressed on, water soaking him, rain and thunder plaguing the sky. He was almost at the scattered rocks poking out from the ocean; just beyond there he could dive into the water and enter the Mime capital city. He chanced a look backward and saw that the Gastly were gone. The airship was now hanging back in the sky, looming silently overhead. Thunder cracked and lightning flashed, giving Slowking a glimpse of the ocean and the enemy slowly approaching him over the waves.
“What do you want?” Slowking bellowed into the storm, “Why are you attacking us?”
The shadow ignored his pleas and continued its approach. Slowking looked over as he passed the rocks, checking his course. Another glance backward proved futile for the shadow was now upon him. It raised a purple hand and conjured a glowing orange orb. Slowking’s scream rang out over the ocean as his body went flying over the seas, carried by the hyper beam that had collected him at point blank. The shadow returned to the airship.
“Nidoking,” It said, the creature’s voice deep and croaky, “Slowking and his crew are dead,”
“You have done well, Haunter,” Nidoking replied, “You and your army shall be well rewarded,”
“Indeed,” Haunter nodded gracefully, surrounded by the hundred or so Gastly that had only moments ago committed murder. The bloody sunrise pierced through the storm as the airship faded into the horizon.

Arbok’s head was a blur, his body felt weightless, as though he was floating through a clear sky. Ahead he saw a light, burning brightly in his vision. He opened his eyes and realized he was not dead. Instead Noctowl was carrying him through the sky. Both warriors were scarred and burned badly.
“Nidoking has taken control of Pokemon Island,” Noctowl explained, “I was the only one to escape. Judging by his efforts to stop me I’d assume he’s trying to take over in secret,”
“We have to go back,” Arbok replied instantly.
“We don’t stand a chance against Nidoking and his guards,” Noctowl conceded, “Not when there are only two of us,”
“So we go to the nearest colony and ask for their help,” Arbok suggested.
“Ah yes… Well there’s a problem there too… You see,” Noctowl hesitated, “I don’t actually know where we are,”
“What?”
“Well after the explosion I was sent flying through the air, I saw you falling and grabbed you then flew away as fast as I could,” Noctowl told Arbok. Arbok shook his head, stifling a laugh.
“Things aren’t looking too good for us,” He chuckled.
“Nidoking, Arbok and Noctowl live,” Hypno said, turning his gaze away from the pair of Pokemon flying through the sky many miles away. His pendulum let out a high pitch chime and on the wall appeared the image of Noctowl and Arbok flying through the sky.
“I will finish the job,” Scyther smiled cruelly.

Sally the Likitung woke up on a sandy beach. The storm had moved on and the sun was now shining brightly in the morning sky. Her mind whirled with flashbacks… There had been an attack… Noctowl was there… Scyther shot down the transport… Arbok was…
“Where’s Arbok?” Sally gasped, leaping to her feet. She looked around everywhere, seeing nothing but sandy beach in all directions. A shadow streaked by and she looked up, hoping to see Noctowl. Before she could find the owner of the shadow in the bright sky she heard the thud of something landing on the beach.
“Arbok?” She asked, spinning on the spot. There was nothing on the beach. She was still alone. Another noise from behind her made the Likitung turn and raise a quick barrier. There was a jet pack lying before her. She followed the trail in the sand away from the jet pack with her eyes. As she turned again she came face to face with Electrode.
“Morning, kid,” He said in a gruff, elderly voice. He laughed a raspy, breathy laugh and then blasted Sally with a thunderbolt. Sally staggered backward and copped a sonicboom to the face. She fell to the sand and felt Electrode bounce over her back. Sally stood up just in time to feel a shock wave pass through her. Her eyes flashed.
“This is too easy,” Electrode coughed, hitting her with his thunderbolt again.
“Let me make things more interesting for you then,” Sally croaked. She leapt into the air with extreme speed and shot acid at Electrode. A second later she was landing beside him, slapping him hard with a pounding fist. Electrode rolled backward, stunned from the attack. Sally smashed him with her tongue before flying skyward. Electrode tried to escape the attack but copped Sally’s mega kick to the face as she landed. Sally kept on with headbutt, then another tongue slam, and finally she threw her entire body onto Electrode to finish him off with a body slam. She clapped the sand from her hands and hurried over to Electrode’s jet pack. Her feet left the sand gingerly and she quickly ascended from the beach. Electrode stirred.
“Failure… would be worse… than death,” He told himself feebly, his voice barely more than a cracked whisper. His body glowed in the sand and with a great boom the beach was gone, sent flying through the air by the massive explosion. Sally gasped as the flames licked her heels and then, a moment later, consumed her. Sally the Likitung was gone.

“What was that?” Arbok asked. Noctowl had heard the explosion in the distance as well but neither could see anything on the horizon.
“Must be a Wailord,” Arbok conceded. Something flew through the air and collected with them, sending Arbok flying downward. Noctowl spiraled off into the distance, feathers splaying all over. Arbok smacked down hard on the beach and sprang upright as quickly as possible. He looked around, catching his breath. Scyther landed suddenly in front of him, sharpening his scythe against the black armor on his front.
“What is Nidoking doing?” Arbok demanded.
“He’s taking over the council, and with it- the Pokemon World,” Scyther cackled. His voice was piercing and full of youthful exuberance.
“This is no time for a war!” Arbok spat, lunging forward with a hiss.
“It’s the perfect time. Everyone is distracted,” Scyther laughed.
“We need to work together to save our world!” Arbok pleaded.
“Oh please,” Scyther continued to laugh, “The world isn’t in danger,”
“It will be if we don’t stop that comet!” Arbok roared.
“There is no comet,” Scyther whispered, his eyes full of malice. The words echoed inside Arbok’s head over and over again, making sense of all that had happened.
“Of course…’ Arbok panted, “Nidoking faked everything,”
“Spot on,” Scyther smiled.
“I suppose now you have to kill me?” Arbok smiled, his fangs moist.
“Spot on,” Scyther repeated. Arbok hissed and coiled backward, his tail rattling.
“Bring it on, bug,” He scathed. Scyther chuckled. The warriors flew at each other and crashed together with explosive force. They were both sent flying backward. Scyther’s scythe glowed red, the same as Arbok’s tail. They clashed them together, dueling like swordsmen. Arbok hissed acid into the fray but Scyther batted it away with his free arm. The armored bug flew over Arbok with a single bat of his massive wings but Arbok curled around seemingly effortlessly. They continued to duel, smashing scythe with tail over and over again, moving into the forest and toward the mountain. Hypno shook his head a she watched Scyther pin Arbok to the ground. Arbok held him back, hissing acid into his face. Hypno’s pendulum swung in a full circle and the image changed to show Arbok pinning Scyther instead.
“My Lord, Scyther has failed,” Hypno told Nidoking as Arbok bit down hard on Scyther’s neck, drawing blood.
“General!” Nidoking bellowed over the balcony. Yanmega flew up to greet him a second later.
“Bomb the Western Island, I want it taken off the map,” Nidoking ordered.
“Yes sir,” Yanmega grunted. He swooped down to the beach where row upon row of Yanma waited, each one with a look of discipline in their eyes. Yanmega flew over the group letting out a long cry that fired up the Yanma’s wings. They joined him in the sky and flew over the beach until they met with a legion of Voltorb lying in formation on the ground. Each Yanma swooped down to pick up a Voltorb and continued out over the ocean. Yanmega landed in between two Machoke whom promptly handed him a very large Magnemite each. The Magnemite hung from Yanmega’s sides and the giant bug lifted off from the beach. He flew over the Voltorb and the Magnemite buzzed, collecting four each with their mighty magnet arms. Yanmega swayed in the sky for a short moment but caught his balance again and flew to the front of the bombers. The Western Island loomed nearer. Scyther and Arbok still fought on, the pair crashing with spectacular result. Finally, Scyther caught a hold of Arbok’s tail. He flung the snake around and slashed his face. Arbok skidded along the grassy forest floor. Scyther was upon him in another moment and then all the world stopped making sense. Explosion after explosion consumed them, Scyther was thrown this way and that, Arbok flew skyward, smoke and flame peered into their eyes and mouths, burning and choking the pair. Scyther spun and rolled, bouncing off of rocks and trees in the air, collecting Arbok as he flew clumsily upward. They suddenly became clear of the explosions and smoke and could see the sky, now covered with Yanma dropping exploding Voltorb onto the island. There were hundreds of them spread all across the sky.
“Impossible…” Scyther choked.
“Get us out of here,” Arbok begged. Scyther flew through the explosions, dodging Voltorb and Yanma alike, speeding toward the clear skies over the ocean.
“Above you!” Arbok cried. Scyther looked up and saw Yanmega aiming the Magnemite at the pair. Both Magnemite with their four Voltorb each came shooting at the pair, the cluster bombs crackling with electricity.
“Hold on!” Scyther screamed, his voice shrill.
“Acid armor!” Arbok bellowed, spraying both himself and Scyther with glowing acid. Scyther slashed his scythes through the air, a shimmering barrier appearing. The barrier shattered and the first Magnemite exploded on Scyther’s arm, sending Arbok’s acid armor flying off the pair. The next Magnemite exploded on Scyther’s back, next to where Arbok was clinging. Yanmega led the Yanma back to Pokemon Island.
“The Western Island has been culled of all inhabitants, sire,” He told Nidoking. Nidoking smiled.
“Slowking and Arbok have failed Chancellor, they’re both dead,” Nidoking told Wigglytuff as she hung from the ceiling, suspended by Hypno’s psychic powers.
“I’ve won,” Nidoking cackled evilly.

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Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:58 am
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Pokemon Master
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way too much dialogue, work on your spacing. :)

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Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:05 pm
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Ace Trainer
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Valentine wrote:
way too much dialogue, work on your spacing. :)


Dialogue is a necessary tool for characters to relay information to each other, without such a tool the story can become an essay of information rather than a narrative.

And I have posted and always will post my stories with grammatically correct spacing. New line for each new speaker of dialogue, double space for each new paragraph.

Thankyou for commenting though, Ill try and condense some dialogue out of the last few chapters yet to be written. Nexst chapter will be up Monday afternoon (As I post this it is Sunday morning).

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Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:34 pm
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Ace Trainer
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Psyches wrote:
Valentine wrote:
way too much dialogue, work on your spacing. :)


Dialogue is a necessary tool for characters to relay information to each other, without such a tool the story can become an essay of information rather than a narrative.

And I have posted and always will post my stories with grammatically correct spacing. New line for each new speaker of dialogue, double space for each new paragraph.

Thankyou for commenting though, Ill try and condense some dialogue out of the last few chapters yet to be written. Nexst chapter will be up Monday afternoon (As I post this it is Sunday morning).


That you are right, dialogue is important, but you need to space and be waaaaaaay more discriptive.

Ok, I only read a bit (almost done though) but I was totally loving your story, and the whole concept of it.

Few things, please don't hate me. More discriptive of everything, yes. Give us more of a setting, how can you do that? Give us more of the thoughts of the other characters, or more of your main character who appears to be Wigglytuff. Umm, you should have started showing what they are talking about more. Begin at the beggining of the meeting, and skip around in it. I know you kinda did that, but you left alot out, leaving people kinda confused. I know it added effect, I see what you were doing and it worked, but you didn't have enough "meat" in it to keep an audience active. Bringing in other things they were talking about would have gave you a feel for these people, connect you to the council.

Loved the characters, who you managed to give the pokemon personalities and the like. Loved the idea of the council meeting, giving it a Star Wars Phantom Menace feel. You really worked hard on the personallity of Wigglytuff, and I feel like I have a connection with her there.


All-in-all, this is not a place for serious critic statements. Loved it, you're on a roll and heading down a good road. I'll finish reading it and can't wait if there's any more!


Sun Aug 17, 2008 9:04 am
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Ace Trainer
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It's so nice to have someone who knows how to write a critiqueing statement...

Deep in the ocean lay a mighty whirlpool that caught anything in the water and pulled it deep below. Down through the dark waters its prey was dragged until they were thrown out at the bottom into a large ring shaped room. In the center of this room was the whirlpool and all around were Pokemon. Mr. Mime to be exact, with a few Mime Jr. running around underfoot. There was one Pokemon that was different to the others. A Slowking wearily opened his eyes as he landed on the floor after falling out of the whirlpool.
“Slowking?” One of the Mimes asked. Slowking sat up, trying to focus his eyesight. He saw Marcel, the Mr. Mime he knew from his last visit, and then promptly vomited.
“Are you okay?” Marcel asked. Slowking nodded and then passed out.

He awoke many hours later in a hospital bed to be told that he’d survived the hyper beam attack and landed in the water where he was eventually caught in the whirlpool that served as the entrance to the Mime Capitol. His first words were stifled by Marcel’s immediate interruption.
“I know why you’re here,”
“The comet,” Slowking panted, still feeling ill. Marcel held up a white-gloved hand to silence him. He shook his head dismissively.
“I’m afraid you’re not going to like this,” Marcel announced. He lifted a photograph from the bedside table and held it up in front of Slowking.
“This is our planet,” Marcel sighed, “And as you can see, there is no comet coming to destroy us,”
“That’s impossible,” Slowking groaned, rubbing his head. He noticed his crown was sitting on the bedside table and he placed it back upon his head, the extra weight causing a grimace of pain.
“I presume,” Marcel said carefully, “That one of the members of your council faked the entire situation,”
“Nidoking,” Slowking replied, climbing out of bed.
“And I’m afraid we’ve got our own problems down here,” Marcel pointed out with a worried look toward the ceiling.
“What’s wrong?” Slowking asked. As if in reply, the room trembled with a mighty rumble. Marcel was already running toward the door.
“Hurry, there isn’t much time,” Marcel called back. Slowking ran after him down the corridor and up a flight of stairs. The Mime Capitol was unlike a city; it was more of a huge facility with computers and scientific equipment everywhere. Finally Marcel stepped out into a large control room. One entire room was glass and looked out into the ocean. Slowking could see more large spheres lying across the ocean floor where more Mimes lived. The one they were in was the largest and everyone on the bridge, including Marcel was wearing a cape that Slowking presumed meant they were of some importance to the colony.
“From here we can control the entire city,” Marcel told Slowking.
“What is that?” Slowking gasped, pointing to the shape floating down from overhead. It was shaped like an Unown only much larger. It looked as though the object could have housed hundreds of Unown inside.
“That’s an Unown Warship,” Marcel trembled.
“The Unown are attacking,” Another Mime cried, pointing further out to sea where another giant Unown Warship was now floating directly over one of the Mime spheres. It was dropping smaller Unown shaped objects that exploded as they struck the sphere. It only took seconds before the sphere cracked and water flooded in, then a few moments passed and the whole sphere exploded internally.
“By Arceus,” Marcel mourned. Another Unown Warship joined the two already attacking and began firing more Unown shaped missiles in all directions.
“There are twenty six Warships in the entire fleet, one for each Unown form,” Marcel told Slowking as he furiously tapped away at a computer.
“Our shields are at maximum,” Marcel told the other Mimes.
“Where is Guinevere?” Another Mime asked, his voice filled with panic.
“Calm down, my children,” A woman’s voice soothed. Robed in silver and mantled by a sparkling crown, the ruler of the Mimes swept into the room calmly.
“Guinevere,” Marcel breathed, “The Unown are attacking again,”
“This time they’ve bought their entire fleet,” Another Mime panicked.
“Guinevere!” Marcel screamed, pointing to the glass wall. An Unown Warship was floating just meters from the barrier. Within the eye of the warship they could see dozens of tiny Unown flitting around like rats.
“Our shields will hold,” Guinevere calmed the group. Slowking watched on as she stepped right up to the glass and placed her hand upon it. The room started to shake as muffled explosions met the group’s ears. Guinevere did not move from her position, her hand still firm against the glass. The Unown Warships were no surrounding the capitol, at least a dozen circling the giant sphere and the rest of the fleet floating overhead. The other Mime cities were gone, glass and metal floated through the waters as wreckage of the dying civilization. The glass cracked.
“Lady Guinevere, we need to go,” Marcel whispered, afraid to speak lest the words shatter the fragile glass. More cracks spread over the glass, weaving around like tiny bugs.
“Leave,” Guinevere croaked. Her voice was tired and weary and she crumpled forward with her hand still upon the glass.
“We can’t leave you here,” Marcel pleaded.
“LEAVE!” Guinevere bellowed, rising to her full height again. It was only now that Slowking noticed she was indeed much taller than the other Mimes and far more intimidating. Her body shimmered with psychic energy as she forced the glass to hold. The Mimes left the room in a hurry, all but Marcel and Slowking. They both stepped up to the glass and placed their hands upon it with Guinevere. The cracks were still growing, smaller ones ricocheting off of the larger ones. Soon the entire glass was a shattered mess yet it still held before the three warriors.
“There is only so much our powers can do,” Guinevere struggled to say. Her voice was pained with effort and only now did Slowking understand why. The effort to hold back so many leagues of water was tremendous. He rested on bended knee as Marcel wiped sweat from his forehead.
“Guinevere,” Marcel choked, “What’s happening?”
“There is only so much our powers can do,” Guinevere repeated, her voice filled with sadness. The glass was floating away into the water now, sinking away from their hands and slowly drifting away. The water now sat before them in a wall, gurgling and shaking with mighty force.
“Leave me,” Guinevere begged.
“I shall not abandon you!” Marcel croaked, clutching his side at the effort of holding back the water. A stream of water burst from the wall, pouring through the barrier. Another sprung overhead. Slowking’s feet were fast being buried in water as the bottom of the water wall leaked furiously. More leaks sprung all around them.
“Marcel, I order you to leave,” Guinevere commanded. Marcel struggled with himself for a moment but stayed holding the wall of water. Slowking shivered as the ice cold water rose above his waist.
“LEAVE!” Guinevere screamed, her eyes flashing red. The wall of water trembled furiously as pulse waves shot outward from Guinevere’s hand. More and more streams of water were breaking through the barrier and flooding the room. Finally Guinevere turned her back on the wall of water and held her arms out to the sides. Slowking and Marcel were thrown toward her roughly. They landed on all fours with the water splashing all around them. The room groaned and creaked, tearing apart as water flooded in all around them. Slowking staggered to his feet and gazed around as pieces of metal and glass swirled through the crashing water toward them. Wires and computers exploded and twirled their way into a spinning circle around the trio. A junkyard of scraps from the room was now spinning around and around the group, holding the water back as it consumed the room. Finally with a blinding light and a sparkle of purple and gold a submarine formed from the scraps and junk and sliced through the water, holding the three survivors inside.
“The warships,” Slowking pointed out. Behind Guinevere was the submarine’s window, which now looked directly into the eye of the Unown warship. Guinevere turned smoothly to look into the eye and smiled a tiny smile before clenching her fists. The submarine shot forward with a mighty explosion as the capitol crumbled behind them.
“The warship,” Slowking repeated as they flew directly toward the eye of the giant vessel.
“Guinevere, the warship!” Marcel shrieked, only now climbing to his feet. Guinevere smiled wider, her eyes crackling with psychic energy. The submarine collided with the warship, piercing through it with ease. The warship tore open; flooding with water as the submarine flew out of the other side, now covered with thick black armor plates it had stolen from the warship. The warship sunk to the ocean floor, exploding from the inside. The submarine shot away, swerving through the warships and past the decimated Mime spheres until it finally reached the open waters. Guinevere parked the submarine in a deep crevice. A school of Relicanth swam by slowly, peering in with lazy eyes.
“Guinevere, you’ve saved us,” Slowking thanked. Marcel took Guinevere’s hand in his with a trembling jaw. She swayed on the spot.
“I’m sorry my children. But I am about to die,” Guinevere said calmly, “You must promise me,”
“Guinevere, please,” Marcel wept.
“Avenge the Mime Empire,” She finished, her face ageing instantly before Slowking and Marcel. She sank to the floor of the submarine and her body wrinkled and darkened, drained of all life.
“Marcel…” Slowking tried. The Mime sobbed into his fallen queens robes. There were no words Slowking could conjure for the tragedy he was now a part of. The submarine lay in the crevice silently as all around the Unown warships took control of the sea.

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Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:14 am
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Location: somewhere in time. following your life. plotting to control you.
very good story so far


Sun Aug 17, 2008 10:50 pm
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Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2006 11:09 am
Posts: 328
Location: Hiding Out Until Things Cool Down...
ok,ok... that was ALOT of reading. I finally read all of your first post *haven't gotten to your second* and I have a few things to say.

You did a good job giving them all personalities, you deffinatley worked hard creating this world. Some things are confusing, but understandable. I know that's weird, but stick with me.

You switch around alot, often going from one point of view to another in the SAME PARAGRAPH which is hard to tell who we're supposed to keep an eye on. You did this ALOT with Nidoking and durring the Arbok/Scyther battle.

All-in-all though. you got a good story comming up, just keep in mind it's hard on the eyes to post that incredible amount the way you posted it. I'm gonna take a break, and be back for your second post, it looks a little smaller. I'm interested in seeing how this will play out.

In my break, I shall return to my own book while play a bit on my pokemon games. you've rekindled my liking of scyther slightly and now I need to prepare to steal my brothers game in hopes of trading over a Scyther.

I have a hint/idea. In making your pokemon/personality choices, keep in mind the pokedex readings on them and how they're real personalities are. Keep in mind things, like for instence, Metagross has four brains, and the like. Those can come in seriously handy. Also, I see you worked technolegy in it (for instance, flying vehicles) but remember, if that's the case you need to get ground/water craft in it too, along with each Pokemon abilities as well.

You're doin good. Read more later!


Mon Aug 18, 2008 10:46 am
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Okay, just quietly, nothing annoys me, and many others, more than when someone posts a chapter that is short. I always try to make my posts long enough to sustain readwers twenty four hours or so until the next chapter is posted.

The constant change of perception is a tool I'm practicing, it's a method of putting questions to the reader. They experience the views and thoughts of all the main characters and therfore find they bond with a certain one. If Wigglytuff weas the main character and there was someone who didn't like Wigglyutff and her character then they would stop reading.

Readers can find a character they relate to or enjoy learning about and will read on to "spend time" with that character. I appreciate your commenting on this because the fact that it has been detected by a reader means I've failed to implicate the tool seamlessly. I'll ry harder in the following chapters to eminate this ability without making the story "jerk" so much.

I would like now to put forward a question... who is your favourite character and why? This isn't just for comedianmasta, anyone reading this is welcome to post. I'm interested to see if the readers have interperated the characters as I designed them.

I'll post the next chapter later...

_________________
"If I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free,"

www.youtube.com/ThePlastikOne

www.youtube.com/PsychesEntertainment


Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:42 am
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OK, you deffinatley are going for some serious drama, but I felt everything happening so fast in the second chapter. I know this world was sent into constant caos, and friend is hard to tell from foe, but I felt you transitioned from peace to wartime so fast it felt rushed. Over all, Very good!

As for my favorite character... I think it's too early at this point, with what you've been doing, to tell. BTW, you can't tell if your characters have come off right off people's opinions on characters.

If I had to choose, I'm liking Nidokings powerful, Mafia-like Control over his henchmen. Also, Scyther is amazing, with his Guns for hire attitude. Going from hitman, to betrayed ally in a second with arbok. Also, any pokemon story that makes a pokemon wear some sort of armor/clothing rather then the regular naked feel of pokemon is cool in my book.


Wed Aug 20, 2008 5:34 am
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