It is currently Thu Oct 02, 2014 9:54 am



Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 
 To Be Seen (One Shot) 
Author Message
Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher
User avatar

Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:02 pm
Posts: 3
Location: Washington State
Whoo! My first Fanfic here! It's not great, just something I threw together in half an hour, but hey, I try! Here goes nothing...

~~~~~~~~~~~

Shivering, I crunched slowly through the cold, white snow as it clung to the yellowish fur of my legs. I knew he was out here somewhere; where that "somewhere" was, I knew not. He had run off after speaking with another of his kind. Our master had sighed, seeing him run off, for this was not the first time this had happened. I began to think to myself. Max... why do you do this to yourself? It happens every time... will you not give up this foolish quest for love?

"Max! Where are you?!" I called out, looking around. I began to worry greatly, for this time he had dissapeared for much longer than usual.

I remembered the first time we had met. His trainer, Celeste, had let Max and his friends out of their pokeballs to roam for a while. He stumbled across me, and made a foolish, yet adamant attempt to court me. We were both young, I was still a Skitty, and he, merely an Electrike, so I declined him, but he was determined! He just would not give up! He brought me flowers, berries, candy, he even attempted poetry! His attempts were laughable, but at the same time, so sweet. I continued to decline him, until finaly, he gave up. Immidiatly after this, however, Celeste decided she wanted me on the team, and captured me.

As we traveled, Max and I became good friends, and it was only after our journies together, the many battles we endured, our evolutions, that I realized I'd been a fool for refusing him. But, alas, I was far too shy to speak my mind, and so my feelings had gone unnoticed.

I looked down and sighed. "Max..." I said. "I wish I knew where you were..."

"Delighla?" A gruff, sad voice replied to me. "What are you doing here?"

Turning around, I saw who I was looking for. The young Manectric was sitting against a tree, and had apparently been crying.

"I was looking for you." I said gently. "You'd been gone longer than usual, and we were all starting to worry..." I sighed. "I'm glad I found you when i did. It's got to be at least ten below out here, we have to get back-"

Max held up a paw to cut me off. "I'm not going back..." He said, looking down.

I gasped. "But Max... You can't just... Why?!" I sputtered, almost too shocked to say anything.

"Delighla..." Max began. "We've talked about... what I've been doing many times. I'm looking for a soulmate, and I'm not finding it traveling with you and the others. I need to go alone..." he said. He looked up at me with sad eyes. "Don't get me wrong, I love traveling with you guys. I hate to leave but... I just have to..."

I stared at him for the longest time, and there was a silence that lasted what seemed like an eternity. As what he was saying sunk in, tears sprang to my eyes. I looked away, not wanting to let my best friend see me like this. How could he just leave?

"It's not fair!" I said, looking up at him after the longest time. "You can't just leave us! You can't just leave me!" Tears were flowing freely down my face now. I had never told him how I felt about him, and if he left I might never get the chance.

Suddenly, Max stood up. He walked over to me and looked me straight in the eyes.

"There's something you're not telling me..." he said. His voice was gentile, but it was also curious, as if he was asking me.

Looking into his eyes, so gentile, so caring, there was no way I could hide it any longer.

"I love you." I said. Suddenly nervous, I looked down. What would he say now?

I felt a light touch on the side of my head as he rubbed against me gently, comforting me. "I wish you had told me sooner..." he said. "I see now that I don't have to leave. What I'm looking for, I've already found."

Looking up at him again, I saw in his eyes that everything he was saying was true. He does feel the same way.

Laughing, I jumped in the air. "Let's go!" I said, and I began to race back to the Pokemon Center, where Celeste waited for us. She would see us walk in, tail intwined with tail, and she would only wonder what had taken place this night, for she would never truly know. My love for Max had been invisible before, but now, for once, it was finally going to be seen...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, that's it. I told you, I threw it together in half an hour and it's not that good! Constructive critisism is loved! Thanks for reading!

_________________
Image
Charizard=PWN4G3
You know it.
I know it.

I was born...
Image
September 19


Last edited by Grey Eyes Charizard on Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:56 am
Profile YIM WWW
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer

Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 1:38 pm
Posts: 277
For a fic written in half an hour, this is a very good effort. I was little confused at first who or what the speaker was, but it soon made sense, when you wrote that the speaker was a Delcatty.
The story overall is very sweet, I liked it a lot. There are a few spelling errors, such as 'streight' for 'straight' which should be sorted out (written quickly or not, always proof-read!)

I should like to see what you can do given more time..!

_________________
Image


Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:12 pm
Profile
Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher
User avatar

Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:02 pm
Posts: 3
Location: Washington State
Ehehehe... Yeah, I proofread everything myself, and, as others will tell you, it's usually just a hair away from flawless. Stupid mistakes like that always manage to slip through the cracks... I really need to start running everything through Microsoft Word before I post it...

I'm also notorius for giving myself less credit than I am due. It's not intentional, a bunch of people tell me I'm modest and hearing good reviews from people on something I wrote that I think totally sucks eggs makes me inclined to believe them.

Glad you liked it though! I'm thinking of expanding it, maybe making other fics that stem from it with multiple chapters and battles and all that jazz. Of course, I have been busy as of late... I may not get around to it... But I can promise that I'll try!

Oh, and I fixed that typo you pointed out, hon. Thanks a million!

_________________
Image
Charizard=PWN4G3
You know it.
I know it.

I was born...
Image
September 19


Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:12 pm
Profile YIM WWW
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 19, 2006 2:11 pm
Posts: 250
Location: Somewhere away from volcanoes
Few error here and there.

Disappeared

Gentle, not gentile, not the one from the Bible. Although ironically you have gently right at the end, something I do occasionally.

The idea is great. It is kind of difficult for me to analyze it and break it down to little pieces for me to understand.
I do get the emotions and feelings of this story.

The title could portrays two things.
Is the missing Pokemon going "to be seen" or is it something else?

I have to stop analyzing before my head implodes

This is a rating telling you how good it is.

_________________
Image


Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:40 pm
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer

Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2006 10:53 pm
Posts: 386
Location: Confidential for specific reasons...
One phrase that best describes it: That was incredible!

For only a one-shot, and pulling it together in half an hour, it's amazing. Nice job! I didn't catch any mistakes, and I do a lot of editing when it comes to these kinds of things! Maybe I'm too tired to care right now, though...

Awesome job with this. Looking at the games and the anime, you wouldn't think that Pokemon could just up and leave... But if you think about each Poke having its own individual personality, it makes more sense. Still don't see a Manectric just being able to run away...

Loved the name for Delcatty. Very clever...

Nice job! Hope to see more of your work in future.

AEPMT :D :) :lol: :wink: :mrgreen:

_________________
It's great to complete a Pokedex! So I'll need some help...

If you want to get better at writing in general, please visit my site!

Writers' Challenge


Sun Aug 03, 2008 11:28 pm
Profile YIM WWW
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 5 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.