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 The Adventurous Exploits of Team Entropy 
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Psychic Trainer
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Joined: Sun Mar 09, 2008 11:52 am
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Midnight opened her mysterious letter, and read the surprising note written.
"Hiya! I'm Wiggytuff, and I own the guild at the east of Treasure Town. You've been selected out of hundreds of individuals to join the guild, and create your own Rescue Team. The only exception is that you need at least two people to start your rescue team.
-- Wigglytuff"
"This can't possibly be for me...but it has my address on it...," thought aloud Midnight. "B-b-but...I guess I can try to go to Wigglytuff's Guild...but then again...there's that scary hole in front of it that asks for my footprint and that always scares me! Eeek! No! No, no, no! I can't be scared now. Tomorrow, I'll try to get there, maybe even get a friend to be my partner in my team...."
Midnight gave a certain expression that shows she is tired, anxious and scared all at the same time. Midnight shrugged and fell asleep.

"Ack! Hold on! Don't let go yet! No! Come on, it's OK, don't let go yet! Nooo! Come back!" yelled a voice from a far off distance, as it seemed.
"Heh...hehahahah...mwahahahaha!" laughed a faint, evil voice, distant in time and space.

Ugh...where am I? Th-this is a beach? B-but...who was that voice? And the laugh...wh-where'd it come from...?
"Hey, are you OK? You there? Hello? Umm..uh-oh...please wake up...please..." replied a gentle, but distressed voice that seemed to come from above.
"Wh-where am I?" said the Squirtle.
"Well, you were splashing around on the beach here...and...well, I saved you...sort of.." said the kind voice.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Midnight, so...what's your name?"
My name...that's a good question...what is my name? thought the Squirtle.
"Um, I guess I don't know..." said the Squirtle.
"You mean you don't have a name? Oh! Wigglytuff might know!"
"Wigglytuff...?"
"Yeah! The owner of the...the...the guild...with the scary hole in front...that guild..." replied Midnight, even more distressed and fearful as before.
Why is Midnight distressing in such a way like this? A scary hole? What does this all mean? were questions flying around the Squirtle's head, and still not receiving an answer. He hoped that whoever this Wigglytuff person was could answer his questions, especially what his name was.



CHAPTER TWO COMING SOON!

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Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:39 am
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Dragon Tamer
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:18 pm
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Location: oh...noes.
Far too many elipses, not very clear either.

6/10

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thanks to hammy.


Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:50 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
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Abrupt beginning, weird ending. Chapter is extremely short, little description, the plot is not going to go anywhere. Improve please. I've seen way too many stories like yours.

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afk


Mon Jul 07, 2008 8:38 pm
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Ace Trainer
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Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:43 am
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Location: under your keyboard, smiling at all the dust mites....
i agree with popler you could have done much better

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:33 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
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Your major problem isn't with grammar, it's with style. That's a blessing and a curse all at once, in my opinion. Since, you understand and can apply grammar for the most part, people can understand what you're saying. Which is a good thing. However, grammar is much easier to teach than style. Grammar, no matter what language, has rules. Once a person knows those rules, using grammar becomes second nature. Style has vague rules, there's no formula or notes that you can use to make it better. A writer's good use of style comes directly from experience no matter how naturally talented they are. So, I'm going to try to give you specifics to work on, but there may not be a lot...

You need to use more description and to stop relying on dialogue so much. Using dialogue to portray everything to the reader is as bad as telling them. A writer wants to show their world to the reader, not tell. It's a vague concept, unfortunately, and there's no other way to describe it than: show not tell.

On forums, double space between paragraphs or use some signal to show the reader that a new paragraph has started. In a word document, a tab should be used, but that formatting doesn't apply to forums. Extra spaces do not show up either. For scene changes, what you did is fine. If you choose to double space, then simply hit enter one more time for each scene change.

The note that Wigglytuff sent is entirely too informal, and it should be formatted differently than the rest of the story. A lot of writers italicize sections like that to signify that it isn't the same. It is really unrealistic that Midnight (whatever she may be) is just joining the guild (which needs a name) and is already leading her own team.

You need to read a lot of good work and practice dialogue a lot more. Since you have virtually no description, you're using your dialogue to show everything. One word of advice: don't. Dialogue can be fun to read, but it can also be an absolute horror. I'm sorry, but your dialogue is the latter.

Like I said before, there's not much that I can specifically say. You need to keep practicing. I want to to practice writing descriptive stories without dialogue of any kind. I also want you to pay attention to the way people talk, and how to translate that into text.

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Sat Jul 19, 2008 11:22 am
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Ace Trainer
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Joined: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:43 am
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Location: under your keyboard, smiling at all the dust mites....
That was dead on, I would take advice once given. It would make your story bearable and potentially one of the best ones here. I would give it another go. 8-)

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Sat Jul 19, 2008 12:12 pm
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