It is currently Sun Apr 20, 2014 2:29 pm



Reply to topic  [ 16 posts ] 
 Read if you want something random. 
Author Message
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
Randomness.
Really, this is not very good, but anyway. I don't know what I was thinking when I started to write this. O_o
It's just a stupid, short story with a crappy ending, but that's all I can do. Probably.

I think I should stop talking, and give you the story instead. Here it is.

[INSERT RANDOM NAME HERE]

"You sure you wanna battle? You don't look like too challenging to me. Maybe you should just go and play with the other kids", a tough-looking trainer said, smiling dumbly.

"May I correct you: I'm not a kid. And I'm enough of a challenge for a guy like you", a short girl with fuzzy, white hair replied. She glared at the older trainer with a determined look.

"Well, okay, if you insist. But I warn you: I'm not gonna let you win", the trainer said and grabbed a shiny Luxury Ball from under his leather jacket.
The girl smiled and walked ten metres away from the other trainer. She took an ordinary Pokéball from her olive green satchet and pressed the button to expand the ball to its normal size.

"You first. We'll both use two Pokémon, and the first whose both Pokémon are fainted, loses. Is that okay to you?" the confident male trainer asked, waving his long, black hair.
The girl nodded slowly and threw the Pokéball she was holding.

"Go! Pidgey!"

A brown, shabby bird came out of the ball, stumbled, and fell on its beak. The bird Pokémon quickly rose on its two feet, looking quite astonished. Its pathetic appearance made the other trainer laugh meanly, but the girl didn't seem to care.
The trainer, still laughing, threw the glittering Luxury Ball in the air, and shouted with a loud voice:

"Manectric! I choose you!"
The ball opened, letting out a large, dog-like creature with blue fur and yellow markings.

"Manek-trike!" the Pokémon howled, sending small sparks fly all around it.

"My Manectric is an Electric type, which means your little bird is already doomed! It can't stand a chance against my well-trained Pokémon"

"We'll see", the girl whispered mysteriously.

"Pidgey, use Mud Shot!" she yelled, pointing the Manectric with her finger.
The girl's Pidgey flapped its wings, rose from the ground and sent a large blob of mud at the Manectric's eyes at an amazing speed. The Manectric didn't have enough time to evade the attack, and now its eyes were full of mud.

"Whoa! That was too fast" the older trainer stated, with an amazed look upon his face.
'I didn't know a Pidgey can learn Mud Shot', he said to himself.
He stopped for a second to think of a good strategy, then decided to go with the good old 'let's-just-use-our-most-powerful-moves-all-in-a-row'.

"Manectric! Thunder!"
The Pokémon growled, still with mud in its eyes, and zapped in random directions in order to faint the Pidgey. None of the large lightnings it sent flying actually hit the bird Pokémon. The girl just smiled with an evil look in her light-blue eyes. She snapped her fingers and said:
"Let's finish this one off, shall we, Pidgey? Use Earthquake!"

The tiny bird floated for a second in the air, then it dived down and hit the ground with an extraordinary power. The powerful move hit the Manectric's body and threw it in the air. The Pokémon fell down on the ground which was still shaking. It growled with pain in its voice and fainted. Its trainer recalled it and grabbed another ball, a Premier Ball. He looked very astounded, then started to shout:
"This can't be! That little bird can't learn Earthquake! It just isn't possible"

"It is. You need to be a really good trainer to do that" the girl answered, laughing.

"Come back, Pidgey. You've done enough for today", she said as Pokémon was absorbed into the capsule-like container.

"Well, bring out your next Pokémon. Or are you going to give up?"

"Never! Go! Dusknoir!" A red light bursted out of the white ball, forming a dark grey ghost Pokémon. The Pokémon floated calmly above the ground.

"This is going to be easy. Go, Magikarp!" the girl shouted, throwing an old, dirty Pokéball.
It opened and a big, orange fish with a dumb look on its face came out.

"Maaagi-karp! Karp!" The fish Pokémon bounced around helplessly, looking like nothing else but pathetic. The older trainer got his confidence back as he watched the Magikarp slapping itself on the ground.

"Looks like you don't have any special tricks to use now, eh? Dusknoir, use Shadow Punch!"
The shady Pokémon raised its fist, preparing to attack and then launched a rapid punch at the fish Pokémon. Surprisingly, the Magikarp managed to avoid the attack with no problem at all.

"Huh? What was that, Dusknoir? Can't you even hit a freaking Magikarp?" the trainer yelled at his ghost Pokémon.
"Shadow Punch again! And try to actually hit this time!"

"You're not that tough anymore, are you?" the girl asked.

"Magikarp, use Roar Of Time! Now!"

The fish Pokémon suddendly stopped its bouncing, and opened its mouth. A bright beam bursted out of its mouth with a horrible, screaming sound. The impact sent Dusknoir flying, and it dashed against a large tree, which shook and dropped most of its leaves. The Dusknoir sighed and lost its consciousness.

"I guess your Dusknoir is unable to battle, so that probably means that I'm the winner", the short girl laughed. She recalled her Magikarp and put the ball back to her satchet.

"So, do you have anything to say?"

The other trainer couldn't say a thing. He called his Dusknoir back and just stared at the girl, shocked. Finally he was able to open his mouth:
"Wh-what did just happen? Who are you? How-"

"Ssshhh. It's not necessary for you to know who I am. You won't see me again"
The girl took a small device from her pocket and pressed some buttons.

"W-what is that?" the upset trainer asked.

"You want to know? Well, it's just an Action Replay. AR for short"

"Action Replay? What is that supposed to be? Tell me more!"

"Nah, I already got bored. Bye-bye!" The girl waved her hand, walked a few steps and disappeared.

~*~

I'd like to hear comments and critique from better writers. Thank you.

~Yours, Mewtwelve


EDIT: I tried to write something with a creepy atmosphere, you tell me if I succeeded. : P
This one actually has a name! :O That's a rare thing from me.

Just another day


The day started with a slightly warm sunshine through her window. A calm breeze shook the branches of an old birch growing next to the house, making them scrape against the window. A couple of small birds were sitting on the ground, pecking the something, probably in search of food.

The morning was perfect, but somehow she felt uncomfortable. She wasn't quite sure what was wrong, nothing seemed different from normal. A gnawing fear started to make its way to her mind. But why? Was she sick or did she just see a nightmare? She shook her head and tried to organize her thoughts.

Then she realized something: she couldn't remember what had happened yesterday. Or the day before, or last week. She couldn't even recall her name.

'What is going on? Who am I? Why can't I remember?' she asked herself desperately.
The birch scratched her window, like trying to tell something. The girl looked out of the window, seeking for an answer. She saw her own reflection on the cold glass surface, but only a complete stranger looked back, staring at her, shocked. She was close to tears, she still didn't know.


A couple of hours passed, and she was still sitting on her bed. Actually, she wasn't exactly sure if the bed was hers, but she sat there anyway. The sun had moved, it was higher now. While she was watching the little birds, she remembered something. The memory was mostly just feelings, colours, sounds. She remembered a bright light. A horrible scream, then words. What were the words?

'They...nited it...shouldn't hav...run...ur lif..'

Just a mess. What shouldn't they have? Who were the 'they'? More and more questions popped into her head.

'That house....the onl..ay...to survive'

"That house... this is the only way to survive", she said.
'I remembered it. But I still don't understand. And what was the first sentence?' she thought. Suddendly her mind filled with pictures, flooding her brains. The light, a blast, the house. Then the pictures started to have sounds. Loud screaming, people crying, the rhythm of her running, the slam of a door.

"They ignited it! They shouldn't have done it! Run for your life!"
She remembered how she fell and stumbled back up, only thinking of survival. There were no other buildings in sight, only the old, abandoned house. She ran to the house and rushed in, closing the door after her. Through the hallway, through the door, onto the bed. She covered her head with her arms and awaited for the shockwave.
The old house took the hit like a man, but it wasn't strong enough to fight against the huge power. The girl remembered the sound of the collapsing house, the sound of the broken windows and wood.
Then, silence.

She took a better look out of the window. Everything was broken. The birch had snapped from the middle, the other part of it was lying on the ground a hundred metres away. Parts of cars, houses and trees were scattered all around the scarred landscape. A kid's bike was thrown on the yard by the shockwave, half melted. And the birds; they weren't looking for food. They were dying.

She got up from the bed, walked slowly on the door and opened it. As she already knew, there was no hallway anymore. Just ash.

Now she remembered. And she wished that she didn't.

~*~

Comments on this?

_________________
Image


Last edited by Equinoxe on Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Mon Feb 25, 2008 11:45 am
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
I'm not sure if I'm a better writer but...

You have some flow and spelling problems and the banter at the beginning is way over-used, but other than that it's not that bad. It was a bit "here we go again" in the beginning but I found myself being drawn in around the middle of it.

I think the ending was the best part, you tied all of the mysterious happenings in the body (Pidgey using EQ) into one unexpected conclusion; that's a very good writing technique. Come to think of it this vaguely resembles Crimsion's style of writing. Meh, I liked it.

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:38 am
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
Ooh, nice, I got constructive criticism! ^__^

Spelling problems? I guess they're just random typos (ouch), I wrote it on Wordpad, which (I think) doesn't have a spell checker.

Anyway, nice that you like it, and thanks for the comment. :D
Maybe I'll try to write something better later.

_________________
Image


Tue Feb 26, 2008 12:28 pm
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer

Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2008 8:32 am
Posts: 52
Location: Somewhere in this universe...
It was very well constructively written. There were many good adjectives and adverbs, also a mysterious plot. The second story, though, needs some more, since it is slightly on the side of the "I don't get it!" stories. You need to explain the beginning of the "Just Another Day" because it is kind of weak.

Also, in the first one, the adjectives were a bit overused. Usually it's good, but it's always the same thing again. For example, every time a new Pokémon came out, you described the Pokémon instead of saying its name. Build on that a bit.

Otherwise, I think that this is a good story. You'll need a title for the first one, like "The Ultimate Battle." Also please make sure to read the stickies, you didn't provide a rating or anything, read them to find out more.

_________________
Image
Cultred once wrote:
Infinite is a finite number.

Just one of those lame encouraging quotes made by me :)


Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:26 pm
Profile WWW
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
It was alright, you have definite potential. Your style can be a bit scattered, but keep writing, nonetheless.

Alright, I actually liked your first story. What started as just another boring generic battle turned into a nice little twist. Yes, I agree with dunsparce, I got nostalgic memories that reminded me of Crimson as well.

The second story I'm impartial to. It was very choppy and disconnected, both in writing and feeling. I instantly realized the form to be that of your typical "oh noes! I'm dead, but I'm a ghost!" storyline. The fact that you also switched tenses between present and the past further dislodged the reader from the story. When writing a short piece it is best to incorporate one tense and stick with it unless you have more experience with writing. The ending was also...meh. I can see what you were trying to achieve; an ending where the reader can draw their own conclusion. While it was a good idea, in this piece it feels...lacking. Again, this is just my opinion.

The style was different from your first piece too. So, to answer your question of whether you achieved a creepy atmosphere, I would say no.

_________________
People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Sat Mar 01, 2008 2:30 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
Thanks for the critique, it is really appreciated. :D

By the way, the girl in the second story wasn't a ghost, she survived the explosion 'cuz she was in the house. : P

I'll keep your advice in mind next time I write something. ;)

_________________
Image


Fri Mar 07, 2008 3:06 am
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
Quote:
By the way, the girl in the second story wasn't a ghost, she survived the explosion 'cuz she was in the house. : P


How is she alive? You stated,"The old house took the hit like a man, but it wasn't strong enough to fight against the huge power. The girl remembered the sound of the collapsing house, the sound of the broken windows and wood." If the house collapsed I doubt that she would have survived to get up the next morning. She died and the only thing that makes even relative sense is that she is a ghost.

_________________
People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:44 am
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
The room she was in didn't collapse, it remained somewhat intact.
I thought it should've been clear because the girl didn't notice anything at the beginning.

_________________
Image


Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:18 am
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
That's a perfect example of miscommunication in writing. You know what happens because the story and all the details are in your head. The reader doesn't know anything, you need to give us fact and important information that has relevance to the plot because we are essentially clueless. Some people can catch on quickly but the majority needs to be spoon feed the important facts so that you can get your point across.

I guess I interpreted the story differently then.

In the beginning I thought the girl was simply waking up when she realizes that she has lost all her memories. She strains to remember something, anything really. She soon starts to see fragments and scrap pieces of her memories, which lead her to conclude how she got where she is now. She then remembers the horrible something (because we never learn what it is) that attacked the house and destroyed it. The illusion then disappears and she seems the real world, the destruction of the house and surrounding area. The horrible truth sinks in; she is no longer alive.....

This was the lacking I was talking about before. How there are gaping holes in the story and important information is missing.The reader has no idea that the room where the girl is resting is intact. ( I find that hard to believe anyways. How does an entire house get destroyed and yet one room survives?)

_________________
People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Fri Mar 07, 2008 4:10 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
Yeah, I guess you're right. :P Thanks for the critique, it's nice to hear something constructive instead of brainless one-word comments.

I'm currently writing a story, dunno when it'll be ready. I'll try to spend a nice amount of time writing it and really think about the story.
Hopefully it'll be better than my previous ones.

_________________
Image


Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:02 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
No problem. I'm glad you can actually take constructive critisism and apply it, without freaking out.
I look forward to reading your newest story. 8-)

_________________
People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:45 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
:D
If I just ignored critisism, I'd always stay as crappy as I am now. : P

~*~

This is a bit poetic story-like thing, short like usually.

Freedom



Thu-du-dump. Thu-du-dump. Thu-du-dump.
The rhythm of four pitch-black hooves drumming the ground.
The rhythm of my heart as the graceful animal lowers its head and runs like no other.

I grab its hazel-brown mane and close my eyes. I sense the strong summer wind blowing, it brings a fresh smell from somewhere. Smell of water, purifying rain.
I feel the rain pounding my face, hear it rattling the leaves, gentle waterdrops flying in the air.

I open my eyes, and see the blue sky curve above me. The grey raincloud is starting to make its way to someplace else, pushed by the wind. The midnight sun is watching me as I ride through the forest, me and my beautiful mare.

I loose my fingers from around its mane, and raise my hands high, so I can wave them in the gentle breeze. My hair swirls in the air, the wind is playing with it.

I hear an owl hooting, sending a lonely call to the night.
Far away I hear an another owl, answering the call.
I smile and sing with the owls.

I wrap my arms around the horse's strong neck, and watch small stones that the mare sends flying as it races across the woods. I feel like I'm a part of the nature, a piece of the great puzzle.



Then my horse slows down, chuffing loudly. My clothes are all soaking wet, and there is mud on my face. My foot hurts, probably a small pebble has gone inside my boot, and rubbed against my skin. It's two o'clock in the night, and my parents must be so worried about me, because I didn't remember to tell them I was going riding. I sigh, and turn the horse back home.

The moment is gone, and the harsh reality hits my face. But at least once I felt freedom, joy and the nature, and I will always keep that moment in my heart. Some people may never experience the same I have experienced. I feel lucky.

The moment may be gone, but the memory stays. Always.

~*~

So, what do you people think? Any suggestions, ratings, or ideas of how I could improve it?
And if there are any typos, please tell me. ;)


P.S. Yes, I am a horsegirl. :P

_________________
Image


Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:12 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
The last one isn't really all that great as a story, but it would have potential if you transformed it into a poem. In order to do that, you must change the wording and make the lines much shorter.

It was rather choppy, and I think the description parts should be at the beginning, so we know right away that it is night and she is getting dirty.

_________________
Image


Mon Mar 31, 2008 1:26 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
You're not crappy...You just aren't as good as you can be. :)

Well, it was fine. My knowledge of poetry is limited to what you learn in English class, so I can't fully criticize. That being said, I would agree with Thunder_dude, this would work very well as a poem if you chose to revise it.

It was very…Dramatic, albeit too much drama for my tastes. The use of adjectives and short sentences that emphasize mystery and grandeur were used properly, to an extent. There might have been too much thought, or too little. Depends on your perspective.

Mewtwelve wrote:
I hear an owl hooting, sending a lonely call to the night.
Far away I hear an another owl, answering the call.
I smile and sing with the owls.


The haunting call of an owl penetrated the inky veil of the night, loneliness and a sense of unknown loss laid imbued in the simple call.
Off in the distance, the ethereal hoots are answer by another. The two swell and rise in a tuneless song- instruments of some unknown orchestra.
The simple melody brings a smile to my face and I let out my uncertainties and fears; as I sing with the owls.

The imagery you used in the beginning should be carried throughout. The line about owls felt plain in comparison so I did my own little revision. I included the theme of imagery, although I think I might have gone overboard. :mrgreen:

Mewtwelve wrote:
The midnight sun


Hm…Midnight sun?

_________________
People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:08 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:12 am
Posts: 510
Location: Where you MOST expect it.
Diamond55000 wrote:
Mewtwelve wrote:
The midnight sun


Hm…Midnight sun?


Midnight Sun = Full Moon <.<; ...right?

I liked this last installment overall, I felt like if I was reading something Zelda-realted, you know? But when you talked about parents and that you're a horsegirl, I said "No, it's not".

Props for you and a big fat 8/10 as well.

_________________
AABM's

Image

"Team Seekers"

"I'm perhaps the least typical Ledian user you'll ever get to see in the whole OU" - AABM.


· Say, Orange looks better than gray, doesn't it?


Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:57 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:30 am
Posts: 156
Location: ~trouble~
AABM wrote:
Diamond55000 wrote:
I wrote:
The midnight sun


Hm…Midnight sun?


Midnight Sun = Full Moon <.<; ...right?


Midnight sun= midnight sun. If you're in Lapland or somewhere around there in the summer, the sun stays up the whole night. I thought you people would know that. :?

Anyway, I can try to turn it into a poem, if you people want me to.

And Diamond55000, english is not my native language, and I still have a lot to learn. That's why my stuff may seem a bit plain, I can write better in my own language, because I know how to use it properly. But, thanks, I'll try to make my sentences more flowing, even though it can be hard. : p
(I wonder what you guys would think if I wrote something in Finnish and put it here? :lol: )

8/10? Woo! :D That's more than I expected.


So, I'll go and try to "poemize" Freedom, hopefully I succeed. :P

_________________
Image


Tue Apr 01, 2008 5:23 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 16 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/acm/acm_apc.php on line 68: apc_store(): Potential cache slam averted for key '57a1085f_global'