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 The End of The Universe...**PG-13** 
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Pokemon Ranger
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This is my first attempt at sci-fi fanfics. So please do comment on this.

PLOT

Basically the whole universe is uder threat from a certain race of aliens. I will reveal more thoroughout the story.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In the desolate area of space, explosions boomed. There was an array weapons fire. Both ships were taking heavy damage. One was fighting for all that is right and true. The other was fighting for evil, for lies. Inside one of the ships, most of the crewmen were screaming in pain and agony. Conduits were blowing up and systems were falling.

“Sir… decks 2 and 5 have decompressed” said Sergeant Geenhouse.

“Did the crewmen get out?” said Major Williams.

Then Sgt. Geenhouse signed.” No…sir…There was nothing we could do, the sections just decompressed”

Major Williams signed and put his hand on his forehead.
“Warning. Warning” said the computer. “Life support failing.
BOOM!!!

“Sir, enemy ship has been destroyed” said Sgt. Geenhouse.

“Thank you for stating the obvious, Sgt. Now. He took a small pause. Are the hyperdrive engines working?”
Sgt. Geenhouse nodded no.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Dec 18, 2007 12:06 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Quote:
In the desolate area of space, explosions boomed. There was an array of weapons fired. Both ships were taking heavy damage. One was fighting for all that is right and true. The other was fighting for evil, for lies. Inside one of the ships, most of the crewmen were screaming in pain and agony. Conduits were blowing up and systems were falling.

“Sir… decks 2 and 5 have decompressed.” said Sergeant Geenhouse.

“Did the crewmen get out?” said Major Williams.

Then Sgt. Geenhouse sighed.” No…sir…There was nothing we could do, the sections just decompressed.

Major Williams sighed and put his hand on his forehead.
“Warning. Warning.” said the computer. “Life support failing."
BOOM!!!

“Sir, enemy ship has been destroyed” said Sgt. Geenhouse.

“Thank you for stating the obvious, Sgt. Now." He took a small pause. "Are the hyperdrive engines working?”
Sgt. Geenhouse nodded no.


The areas in cyan are grammatical errors. The areas in olive are areas where the writing could be improved.

That first paragraph has very little flow. Look:

Quote:
In the desolate area of space,


This part sounds eerie and mysterious...

Quote:
explosions boomed. There was an array of weapons fired. Both ships were taking heavy damage.


and suddenly it's exiting and action packed...

Quote:
One was fighting for all that is right and true. The other was fighting for evil, for lies.


now it's informative, but, to be honest, I would throw out that part and show this through actions. I'll get back to this in a second...

Quote:
Inside one of the ships, most of the crewmen were screaming in pain and agony. Conduits were blowing up and systems were falling.


exiting again, but I'd also like to point out that the fact that they are screaming is pretty much thrown in as an afterthought. If something is important, you can't do that.

Instead, consider this (I am in no way saying the following is perfect):

Quote:
Explosion after explosion was set off, two ships battling it out in the otherwise quiet of outer space. Various weapons were being used, causing serious damage to both ships. Men were screaming in pain, but the explosions overpowered any other sound. Engineers were rushing about to repair the damaged conduits.


In this, the exiting mood is constant. This will help you a lot.


Now let's talk about this part:

Quote:
BOOM!!!


First of all, all caps in NOT a good way to draw attention to a word. Use bold or italics.

Second, don't just write the sound that is made. Say something like this:

Quote:
A sudden explosion interrupted the conversation, signaling the destruction of the other ship


Other then that, I would just say to try and make your chapters longer and say "Chapter 1" or "Chapter 543", or whatever chapter we're on.

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Tue Dec 18, 2007 2:54 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Ok, thanks for that. Now I know what I need to improve on.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Tue Dec 18, 2007 3:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Dec 18, 2007 3:02 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Could you not quote my entire post when you are responding to it, it isn't nessesary.

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Tue Dec 18, 2007 3:14 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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This better?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 2

The warning alarm rang. It was like someone screaming in pain.

“Sir, I am detecting two enemy ships” said Sgt. Geenhouse.

“God, damn it,” said Major Williams to him self. Then he started to shout at Captain Ty over the radio.

“ Captain!!!! Where are those damn hyperdrive and sub-light engines? Where?!”

“Sir…Wait, wait, I got it, give me a minute” exclaimed the Captain desperately.

“We…don’t have a minute!!!” shouted Williams, firmly and angrily.

“Sir…they’re charging weapons” interrupted Geenhouse.

Everyone on the bridge was feeling intense, at the thought of death. Death was staring them in the face. Spirits were running low that they would survive the assault. Williams knew that he had to do everything in his power to insure that the crew or whatever was left of the crew would survive.

Williams put his hand on his forehead and lowered his head in disbelief.
An explosion here and there was heard, more systems were failing as the damage to the ship worsened. The already repaired conduits were exploding.
“Captain!!!.... Where are those godforsaken hyperdrive and sub-light engines!!!” screamed the Major, as his face turned red like a tomato.

“Got it, got it” said the Captain, surprisingly calmly. “There only one problem….”

“What?” asked the Major.

“We may be blown apart when we enter hyperspace. It’s a 50/50 chance”. said the Captain.

“Sir…they’re firing” shouted the Sergeant.

“Wait a minute,sir…” said the Captain while putting the shield up.

“ Eh, Captain, I thought you said the shields weren’t working?” asked the Major.

An explosion occurred outside the bridge. The major could hear people screaming as the hallway collapsed.

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Clickage



<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:14 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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When I read the first part, it was interesting and then it got kinda boring. But when I read chapter 2, it got interesting again.

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Wed Dec 19, 2007 7:19 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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    Remove for reasons varying from being too wordy to grammatically incorrect.
    Switch the yellow characters should be switched for grammatical purposes and/or to help the story's flow.
    Corrections are made in cyan. These can be anything from spelling, to mispunctuation, to poor word choices or notes I make to you within the piece.
    Rework what's in orange. It may not flow well or could be better. These will be addressed individually below the chapter.


Chapter 1 wrote:
In a desolate area of space, explosions boomed. There was an array of weapons fire. Two ships were taking heavy damage. One was fighting for all that is right and true. The other was fighting for evil and lies. Inside one of the ships, most of the crewmen were screaming in pain and agony. Conduits were blowing up and systems were failing.

“Sir… Decks 2 and 5 have decompressed,said Sergeant Geenhouse.

“Did the crewmen get out?” said Major Williams. ("said" should be "asked")

Then, Sgt. Geenhouse sighed.” No…sir…There was nothing we could do, the sections just decompressed”

Major Williams signed and put his hand on his forehead.
“Warning, warning,said the computer. “Life support failing.
*inserted space*
BOOM!!!

“Sir, enemy ship has been destroyed,said Sgt. Geenhouse.

“Thank you for stating the obvious, Sgt. Now," he took a small pause. "Are the hyperdrive engines working?”
Sgt. Geenhouse shook his head "no".

Chapter 2 wrote:
Chapter 2

The warning alarm rang. It was like someone screaming in pain.

“Sir, I am detecting two enemy ships,said Sgt. Geenhouse.

“God, damn it,” said Major Williams to him self. Then he started to shout to Captain Ty over the radio.

“ Captain!!!! Where are those damn hyperdrive and sub-light engines? Where?!

“Sir…Wait, wait, I have it, give me a minute” exclaimed the Captain desperately.

“Wedon’t have a minute!!!shouted Williams, firmly and angrily.

“Sir, they’re charging their weapons,interrupted Geenhouse.

Everyone on the bridge felt intense, at the thought of death. It was staring them in the face. Spirits were running low that they would survive the assault. Williams knew that he had to do everything in his power to ensure that the crew or whatever was left of the crew would survive.

Williams put his hand on his forehead and lowered his head in disbelief.
An explosion here and there was heard, more systems were failing as the damage to the ship worsened. The already repaired conduits were exploding.

*inserted space*
“Captain!!!.... Where are those godforsaken hyperdrive and sub-light engines!!!screamed the Major, as his face turned red as a tomato.

“Got it, got itsaid the Captain, surprisingly calmly. “There's only one problem….

“What?” asked the Major.

“We may be blown apart when we enter hyperspace. It’s a 50/50 chance," said the Captain.

“Sir…they’re firing,” shouted the Sergeant Geenhouse.

“Wait a minute,Sir…” said the Captain while putting the shield up.

Eh, Captain, I thought you said the shields weren’t working,said the Major.

An explosion occurred outside the bridge. The Major could hear people screaming as the hallway collapsed.

Quote:
Spirits were running low that they would survive the assault.

This sentence could just be better in general, it's awkward to read. Here's an example of a different way to write it.

    Morale was low; the crew began to wonder if they would even survive the assault.

Do you see the difference between the two? I still said the same basic thing you did, but it flows better.

Quote:
Williams knew that he had to do everything in his power to ensure that the crew or whatever was left of the crew would survive.

Now, I was more worried about the ending to your sentence. It's also awkward, so let's try something else. I'll make my version cyan.

    Williams knew that he had to do everything in his power to ensure that as many of his crew as possible survived.

Does that makes more sense than your version?

Quote:
Williams put his hand on his forehead and lowered his head in disbelief.
An explosion here and there was heard, more systems were failing as the damage to the ship worsened. The already repaired conduits were exploding.

This entire bit could be better. Let me show you an example...

    Disbelief struck home as Williams held his hand to his forehead. He hardly noticed the explosions all around him destroying his precious ship. More systems failed, and the ship soon bore a resemblance to Swiss cheese.

Is that a little easier to imagine now?

As for all of the yellow. I know I've told you before...Your noun (regardless of whether it's proper or a pronoun) should come before your verb.

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Wed Dec 19, 2007 9:34 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Chapter 3

“Entering…hyperspace now” the Captain said while pressing some control buttons.

The ship went straight into a hyperspace vortex as it was turning more like a rotten banana. The ship was splitting at the seams, the ship was in pain. Parts were flying off into the distance as the ship went through the hyperspace vortex.

“Good job, Captain” Williams gleefully said.”You deserve a-

“Sir. Life support has failed on the engineering section” Geenhouse blankly interrupted without remorse and sadness.

Williams stared at the viewscreen with sadness; he looked like he was going to cry.

“Sir, life support is failing on all decks, systems are shutting down” Geenhouse said promptly.

“Wha…?” said Williams as if he was confused.

“Sir, at present we have two hours of breathable air left” Geenhouse said. “Orders?”

Williams paused for a minute, as he thought about all lives lost. He couldn’t take any more chances; he had to evacuate the ship.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Sun Dec 23, 2007 1:39 pm
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Ace Trainer
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I like it. But it needs a hook. Something unique needs to set this apart form other sci-fis.

Special powers, your own unique technology, bring something to this sci-fi world that the reader hasn't yet seen. Something fresh and new. You've got a good few chapters there that capture the audience, now you can really open up the story. Start talking about where they're from, why they were in space, explain who's who on the ship, explain the ship (if it survives!) and such and such. I liek this.

It's the least sh!t out of all the amateur stories on psypokes.

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Sun Dec 23, 2007 11:00 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Psyches wrote:
I like it. But it needs a hook. Something unique needs to set this apart form other sci-fis.

Special powers, your own unique technology, bring something to this sci-fi world that the reader hasn't yet seen. Something fresh and new. You've got a good few chapters there that capture the audience, now you can really open up the story. Start talking about where they're from, why they were in space, explain who's who on the ship, explain the ship (if it survives!) and such and such. I liek this.

It's the least sh!t out of all the amateur stories on psypokes.


Thanks Psyches for saying that. Ok, well I'll think of something good. Maybe a new weapon that is unheard off...hmm. Psyches, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at one of my other stories.

here- http://www.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=20061


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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:27 pm
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