It is currently Sat Jul 26, 2014 10:39 am



Reply to topic  [ 17 posts ] 
 An Evil Lurking Within 
Author Message
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Chapter 1 : Jordell's first battle

Bidoof ran from Jordell immediately after being sighted. Jordell glared at it, almost paralyzing it with evil intent. “Bidoof. How would you like to die?” He whispered, though a bit louder than a whisper. He slicked his dark blue hair back, and threw a Pokéball. “Go, Sparksile!” He yelled, and through a PokéBall to the ground. Bidoof was immobilized by the sheer coldness of Jordell eyes. Jordell looked at Bidoof, almost looking through it, glaring at it intensly. The Pokéball hit the ground; blinding red and white lights were rapidly flashing, and a Pikachu came out. It’s cheeks lit up until they became orange from the yellow from the lightning and the red mixing. Bidoof tried to run behind a rock, but it’s fear of Jordell immobilized it. Bidoof stood,paralyzed, as Jordell whispered a taunt to the Bidoof ; “Let me tell you a shocking secret.” Pikachu released a strong thunderbolt at Bidoof, which forced Bidoof to the ground. “This will be a cinch.” Jordell said, glaring at the Bidoof. He through a Pokéball, which captured the Bidoof. It wobbled a couple times, and clicked.


Chapter 2 : The dark bell

Jordell called back his Pikachu. “Return.” He said, seeming too exhausted to say more. He collapsed to the ground, as he started to exhale quickly and hard, and he just stared at the ground for a while. He could feel it. The dark bell was chiming in his head. He’d been consumed by evil thoughts, which were the very type of thoughts that summoned it. It wreaked of evil, so much it could reduce to someone’s sanity to insanity. Had the bell been chiming for a life time, or had it started now? He hadn’t a clue; all he knew; it was draining his sanity quicker than he could hear the chimes. While the dark bell would make the host commit evil, and and like that, it would give more than pleasure of doing evil, but give the host an overdose of pleasure, so much it would become pain. Jordell
felt so much pain; utter, deep pain.
“Why. Why is it me who suffers.” He was more complaining than pleading for relief.
He grunted, and just lay on the ground, suffering more than he could comprehend.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Last edited by Ghett0 on Thu Dec 06, 2007 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Thu Dec 06, 2007 12:45 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
The I Hate Bidoof Club is getting into your head :P.

Anywho: I like the writing, good descriptions (although a few Metaphors/smilies would have helped make the scene more intense), good flow and it was very clear. The actual content, not so much. For a first chapter this seems to be lacking a lot, try making a chapter more than one paragraph, or at least more than one scene. This entire chapter could be summarized into one sentence: "Jordell found a bidoof so Jordell glared at it and used pikachu to catch it." There really should be more than that in a chapter.

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Thu Dec 06, 2007 1:44 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
I'm going to update at least daily and just post short chapters every day, if you're wondering why it's short. Of course, I won't double post.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:00 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 am
Posts: 1559
Location: Dragon's Den
Post 
Is this a feeling of de ja vu I'm getting, or are you just ripping off my story, Ghett0?


My fanfic's title:

Quote:

The Darkness Within Him


Your fanfic's title:

Quote:
An Evil Lurking Within



My charrie's demeanour:

Quote:
It was then that the new trainer noticed another person, perched high on a rock at the edge of the road, looking up into the sky, an expression of deep thought, stormy on his face.


Your charrie's demeanour:

Quote:
Jordell glared at it, almost paralyzing it with evil intent.


Main Pokemon to appear in the first chapter in my fanfic:

Quote:
Pikachu leapt out of his arms and walked beside its new trainer, looking at the world around it with curious, happy eyes.


Your main Pokemon:

Quote:
The Pokéball hit the ground; blinding red and white lights were rapidly flashing, and a Pikachu came out.





...this is all getting rather boring, isn't it? It's almost like reading the same thing, and I can' think where I've read it before...[/obvious sarcasm]

In case you've missed my point, I'm pissed off. I do not take kindly to my ideas (the central character being a raving lunatic, for one) being taken, and you can't even say you haven't read my fanfic, because you've left meaningful comments, suggesting that you have. If you want to create a fanfic, fine, just don't rip off other people's ideas. I've spent a long time on The Darkness Within Him, and I do not appreciate some person trying to palm off the same idea as their own.

Oh, and another point:

Quote:
He through a Pokéball, which captured the Bidoof.


It's threw, not through.

_________________
Image

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."


Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:32 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
THE SAME IDEA? Jeez, an evil main character is not your idea, and CERTAINLY not the first story with darkness in the title.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:42 pm
Profile
Trivia Champion
Trivia Champion
User avatar

Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2007 5:37 pm
Posts: 3042
Location: clegavel
Post 
Er, try putting it in paragraph format so it's easier to read.
I was tempted to read it only because Obs replied, and I wanted to hear his thoughts. At first, I was thinking it was a ripoff, without even having to read it.
In a way, I think I was right...
Taking the idea of another and posting it in a similar context is considered a form of plagiarism.
Come on, Ghett0, I know you have a better imagination than that.

- DNA

Edit: Because of the simulpost, let me add:
Of course there have been other fanfics with other 'demented' trainers. Yours is just too much like Obs'.

_________________


Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:42 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
Thing is, it's not plagiarism. Obs is not the first to have darkness in the title, nor the first to have an evil character. And to the last bit; I don't have a very good imagination. I JUST DON'T.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Thu Dec 06, 2007 2:45 pm
Profile
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 382
Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
Post 
Oh, so you're saying that because you don't have a good imagination, your writing something extremely similar to Obsidians's story? I'm going with Obs; it's too similar to his story. And you should know that I don't believe in coincidences.

Anyways, short chaps aren't good, and you need to put them in paragraph form. You also got a little redundant with the "look of evil" and "Bidoof was paralyzed with fear". It got a little old.

_________________
[img]http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s239/Jammer92/ThousandWordSig.png[/img]


Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:43 pm
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
OBS WAS NOT THE FIRST TO MAKE A STORY WITH DARKNESS IN THE TITLE AND AN EVIL CHARACTER.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Thu Dec 06, 2007 3:54 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
You're right, he's not. But, he's one of the more prominent members of the Library whose story has been a huge success. I'm not going to say whether I think you did or didn't mimic his work. I will say that if you you're not "creative" enough I think you're wrong. You're probably limiting yourself too much or trying too hard to think of something "great." Honestly, a fair amount of good stories/books start out as random thoughts or jumbled dreams.

Just relax one day and try not to think about anything. I'm sure an idea will come. That's what I tend to do anyway; if you're like me, then brain storming instantly creates a writer's block. Try having a pad of paper next to your pillow and a pen, you'll be more likely to wake up and remember your dreams if you try to. Be sure to write them down once you wake up so you don't forget.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Thu Dec 06, 2007 4:11 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
Can we move on to the secound chapter? Although this does have features similar to Obs's story this story may turn out to be completely different. Pikachu is a very common starter used and having stormy features or evil eyes can be said of many characters. It's just the title that makes it possible plagiarism. For this to be branded plagiarism I think it must develop the same way.

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Thu Dec 06, 2007 4:45 pm
Profile
Trivia Champion
Trivia Champion
User avatar

Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2007 5:37 pm
Posts: 3042
Location: clegavel
Post 
Ghett0 wrote:
Thing is, it's not plagiarism. Obs is not the first to have darkness in the title, nor the first to have an evil character. And to the last bit; I don't have a very good imagination. I JUST DON'T.

That's a bad excuse. I have a bad imagination. Most likely it's worse than yours. Yet I manage to whip out something that's mediocre at the least.
And yes, if you think of something, write it down quick, or you'll forget it. Trust me, this has happened to me so many times - by that I mean I've forgotten at least 5 things that way.
Alright, I no longer feel the need to continue this argument.

- DNA

_________________


Thu Dec 06, 2007 5:33 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
Notes:

I finally thought of something more interesting than what I had planned. Now, enjoy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2 : The dark bell

Jordell called back his Pikachu. “Return.” He said, seeming too exhausted to say more. He collapsed to the ground, as he started to exhale quickly and hard, and he just stared at the ground for a while. He could feel it. The dark bell was chiming in his head. He’d been consumed by evil thoughts, which were the very type of thoughts that summoned it. It wreaked of evil, so much it could reduce to someone’s sanity to insanity. Had the bell been chiming for a life time, or had it started now? He hadn’t a clue; all he knew; it was draining his sanity quicker than he could hear the chimes. While the dark bell would make the host commit evil, and and like that, it would give more than pleasure of doing evil, but give the host an overdose of pleasure, so much it would become pain. Jordell
felt so much pain; utter, deep pain.
“Why. Why is it me who suffers.” He was more complaining than pleading for relief.
He grunted, and just lay on the ground, suffering more than he could comprehend.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Thu Dec 06, 2007 6:50 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 am
Posts: 1559
Location: Dragon's Den
Post 
Just a note (this isn't the main reason for posting, the analysis below is:) While I am by no means the first person to have a psychotic character, it is a strange coincidence for my idea to appear in a different format. It may not have been your original intent to take my ideas, but it's happened, we've all had a good argument about it, and this second chapter has shown us that, as dunsparce pointed out, it is moving in a different direction to my fic.

So, onto the analysis:

I'm seeing aspects of SpiderMan 3 + Doctor Who in this, funnily enough. I watched both of them just last night, and the bell in Spider Man keeps Venom at bay. In this case, however, it's the source of his evil intent. Pretty classy. The Doctor Who thing I was seeing was the whole Master/Drums thing, but as I said, this is only because I watched them recently. ;)

I'm looking forward to finding out why Jordell has this bell in him, and how it got there. A little advice; try and increase the length of the chapters; you kill two birds with one stone, as you manage to hold the reader's attention, and you get to write more about the plot while developing the character's personality. Okay, that's three birds, but hey, we're not complaining. ;)

_________________
Image

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."


Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:04 am
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
Quote:
He’d been consumed by evil thoughts, which were the very type of thoughts that summoned it.


Evil thoughts summon the dark bell, in response to your question.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Fri Dec 07, 2007 5:36 am
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2006 4:59 pm
Posts: 2399
Location: feel the mambo
Post 
The Obsidian Wolf wrote:
Is this a feeling of de ja vu I'm getting, or are you just ripping off my story, Ghett0?


My fanfic's title:

Quote:

The Darkness Within Him


Your fanfic's title:

Quote:
An Evil Lurking Within



My charrie's demeanour:

Quote:
It was then that the new trainer noticed another person, perched high on a rock at the edge of the road, looking up into the sky, an expression of deep thought, stormy on his face.


Your charrie's demeanour:

Quote:
Jordell glared at it, almost paralyzing it with evil intent.


Main Pokemon to appear in the first chapter in my fanfic:

Quote:
Pikachu leapt out of his arms and walked beside its new trainer, looking at the world around it with curious, happy eyes.


Your main Pokemon:

Quote:
The Pokéball hit the ground; blinding red and white lights were rapidly flashing, and a Pikachu came out.





...this is all getting rather boring, isn't it? It's almost like reading the same thing, and I can' think where I've read it before...[/obvious sarcasm]

In case you've missed my point, I'm pissed off. I do not take kindly to my ideas (the central character being a raving lunatic, for one) being taken, and you can't even say you haven't read my fanfic, because you've left meaningful comments, suggesting that you have. If you want to create a fanfic, fine, just don't rip off other people's ideas. I've spent a long time on The Darkness Within Him, and I do not appreciate some person trying to palm off the same idea as their own.


aww, i was going to post that this is a huge rip-off of your story.

i could tell from the title.

and get over the "OMG I HATE BIDOOF" thing, god damn.

_________________
gone.


Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:23 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Sep 09, 2007 3:43 am
Posts: 654
Location: England, Manchester
Ghett0 wrote:
“Why. Why is it me who suffers.” He was more complaining than pleading for relief.

"Why" is a question; these should both have question marks at the end.

Ghett0 wrote:
Bidoof was immobilized by the sheer coldness of Jordell eyes.

This should be ‘Jordell's eyes’.


Ghett0 wrote:
It wreaked of evil, so much it could reduce to someone’s sanity to insanity.

Nice, although some people can be evil and perfectly sane. I suppose it depends how wide (or narrow) an individual's definition of "evil" is.
And I know it's confusing but the word here should be ‘reeked’ – I've only seen it spelt like that as in "he wreaked havoc", (though I have no idea why it's different).


Try to work on your paragraphs; separating speech, etc. You also use too many commas, (something I do too and I'm 9 years older than you).

_________________
Mmkay.


Sun Dec 09, 2007 12:46 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 17 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.