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 The 8th Sea~Chapter 4.3 
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Pokemon Master
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Rating: The prologue is PG-13...I'm not entirely sure how the rest of the story will turn out but so far it's K+.
Genere: urrrr, sci-fi? Action/adventure? Something alone those lines, I'll let you decide.

Well, this is my first story. Please have no mercy in telling me what I'm doing wrong, I want to improve, and it wouldn't be pleasant for you to read crap.

I have already written the prologue, 1st chapter and 2nd chapter; I plan to write in advance and make updates weekly, not posting every time I finish a chapter. I'll try not to get more than 5 chapters in advance (thx to Obsidian wolf for this idea). I will post the prologue ASAP, unfortunately it was a bit graphic so I am waiting approval from Galar. Until then here is a preveiw.

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Cean's mouth fell open with awe, it couldn't be possible; rising from the clear, smooth water, was the Loch Ness Monster.

Cean started up at the creature's smooth neck, this was yet another myth brought into sharp reality. "What is this?" He asked, awe in his voice; the beast was beautiful. "This is why you are here" Marnax replied grimly "this is the secret of the eighth sea."

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Ok, I got approval. But let me make this clear: YOU DO NOT NEED TO READ THIS! This is PG-13 and near the edge of that. It is completely unnecessary to understand the rest of the story. PG-13 means under 10 should not read, I would prefer it if people slightly older than 10 don't read it either. The only reason I wrote it is that it does explain a few things, things that otherwise you wouldn't find out until much later in the story. Here it is:

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Prologue
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A man lay huddled in a cell, he was not physically bound, but his eyes showed that his mind was his restraint. The door to the cell opened and light streamed in, the torturer had come again, carrying his favorite knife, this time it was dripping with poison. Lifting his head up wearily the man saw the masked torturer walk into the room; he seemed more tense than usual. In a moment he saw why, his boss was with him. A tall man, he was dressed black and red, his eyes seemed to be raging fire balls, showing madness corrupted his mind. This man sneered and spoke

“So are you going to give me what I want Mr. Ness? You know I only need one little bit of information, then your pain will stop.”

This was the Torturer's cue to make a sharp cut with his dagger on the man’s wrist, the man called Mr. Ness screamed in pain, the poison spreading quickly up his arm, then he shook his head when he could force his body to do such a motion.

“No? You won’t tell me willingly?” The tall man asked “Well that’s a shame, but fortunately I know a way to force it out of you.”
Mr. Ness looked up in fear.
“Ohhhhh yes, I have found out how to rip it from of you. Apparently it can only be achieved if you kill someone of your own species.”
Mr. Ness shook his head again, this time in desperation
“No? You can’t kill someone of your own species? Well don’t worry Mr. Ness. I will help you.” The man smiled and shouted behind his shoulder “Bring him in!!”

The guards dragged in a fully bound man, he looked around with fear at his surroundings, but with even more fear at the tall man before him. The man was flung to the floor and the ruthless man continued dramatically,

“Yes, I shall force you to kill this innocent man, then I shall gather the blue essence that flows in your veins. Even now I have a team preparing to decipher it’s secrets, even if it will take years.”

The man paused at that thought and the torturer thrust his dagger’s hilt into Mr. Ness’s numbed hand. The torturer slowly lifted the dagger and hand above the bound man’s neck. The bound man looked up at the dagger and then closed his eyes immediately, as if the sight of his death hurt.

“But don’t worry Mr. Ness, you won’t have to wait years in this cell.” The man said as the torturer lifted the weighted knife still higher above the bound man’s neck. This was his stage, and here came his favorite line.

“If my sources are not mistaken, you cannot live with out the essence in your body, I hear that the extraction is quite painful, so you shall go with this man into the abyss.”

Just the thought of his enemy dying brought a smile to his lips, he paused as he let it all sink in and for both men to start hyperventilating. Then with the smile growing ever wider he turned on the torturer and with mock surprise said,

“What on earth are you doing?!? Let the poor man’s hand go! He needs his rest!” The torturer giggled and let go of the numb arm. And even for weeks later, the cell still rang with the screams of the two dying men.

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If you did read it please comment :).

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Last edited by dunsparce on Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:18 am, edited 11 times in total.



Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:09 pm
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It's that time of week again; here is the marginally less gruesome first chapter:

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Chapter 1: Mythology Class
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Two years later:

A sharp “whack!” echoed throughout the classroom. “That will teach you to sleep in my class young man!” the teacher said reprovingly. Cean raised his blond head from his desk and sighed; mythology bored him so much. Who could keep track of all the Greek gods and their many affairs? Still, he knew it was better then the other extra credit courses. Home-ec he knew was the worst, there were some stories of toy babies...He shuddered; not a chance. So here he was stuck in Ms. Shanter’s class, listening to a lecture about another obscure subject created by drunken men in togas. He sighed again, might as well take notes.

“Throughout history one of the most enduring myths is that of Atlantis. An ancient civilization that supposedly sunk into the sea; so long ago that one of the only records we have of it’s origin is from Plato. He even stated the supposed location of Atlantis and even specifics on it. We can actually track where Plato says it was, ‘beyond the pillars of Hercules’. It is supposed to be between two mountains located on the map here…”

Cean looked to the heavens in exasperation; he almost couldn’t take it, now she was bringing geography in; one of the most accursed subjects ever to prey upon teenagers. He tried to concentrate, but now she was rambling on about this “Atlantis”’s supposed connection with historical events; something about the fall of the Egyptians. He sighed again; maybe home-ec wouldn’t have been so bad…

Half a torturous hour later he was out of the classroom. Free to do whatever he wanted for a whole weekend! He smiled, what was it about Friday that felt so good? As he passed through the hallways to his locker, where he had left his Latin (shudder) homework, he passed Greg and his “pals”. The boys laughed with delight as their favorite victim rounded the corner. “Hey lamebrain!” One of them called out “Maybe the place old Shanter was mentioning was where your father went! I heard he was sleeping with the fishes!” The boys laughed at their taunting pun, with much slapping on backs and knuckle touching.

Cean rolled his eyes and pretended not to care about their taunts, but truthfully they had struck a chord. His father had indeed disappeared on a ship-bound voyage to Spain, he said that he was going for a very important whale-saving convention. Cean’s father was an marine biologist, a very kind man who’s common occupation was trying to get the big boys in the government to fund movements to save endangered species. He often went to far off places in order to speak personally with the government representatives. Some could say that he was a lobbyist if not for the fact that he also studied what he was trying to save. Unfortunately on one of these trips to try and get money the ship he was on was hit by a torpedo, no one knew of it’s origin. There were survivors found in the wreckage, but his father was not one of them.

As these thoughts went through head, now past the “gang” and at his locker, his thoughts turned to anger. Why did he have to leave on that ship? Why couldn’t he have just stayed home? Why couldn’t they be celebrating football season like they always did? “WHY?!? WHY?!? WHY?!?!?!” he thought and slammed the locker door. If you looked closely you could see tears in his blue eyes. Even though it had now been two years since he and his mother had received the news and he was now 15. The memories still stung.

~ ~ ~

Cean walked home, he liked the open sea air opposed to the stuffy bus. As he walked along the North Carolina shoreline he looked at himself in the seawater. He was of medium height, average bulk and mediocre hand-eye coordination; nothing to proclaim him very athletic. The only sport Cean really enjoyed was swimming, not so sweaty. And though he had blond hair and blue eyes there was a certain nerdy air about him that didn’t complete the pretty-boy picture. Cean smiled ruefully, he could pick up chicks with his looks, but as for conversation…Cean sighed, he had stopped caring for girls after his father died, instead he had become something of a nerd. He got good grades and he liked math. That had infected him with a certain aura of nerd, some people could sense it and were attracted to him (these were mostly nerds). But, like Greg, others teased him. He turned away from the water and continued walking home.

As Cean neared his ocean-view house his mind turned again to his father. He always loved the sea and it had been him who had taught Cean to swim. It was also he who chose this house so near to his love, located at the tip of a town which gradually turned into a city. He had often taken Cean out on his motor-boat, pointing and identifying birds and fish that they saw. Cean abruptly halted this train of thought, it was too painful. He reached the house and pushed the door open, pausing merely to shout “I’m home! School was fine! Gonna go swimming!”, drop his backpack next to the door and change into swimming trunks in the bathroom to the other side of the hall, right across from the front door (always fully stocked with swimming gear). Then he immediately left and walked around to the side of the house, the side facing the ocean.

He swam for about an hour, thinking about his father and the day he found out about his death. It was one of the most vived memories in his mind.

School had been starting soon so his mom was running errands at 5 AM in her usual neurotic way, she was always afraid that he would fail because he didn’t have all his supplies. He had woke up and then gone downstairs to get his cereal breakfast, after he had eaten and slowly became aware of his surroundings (he never was much of a morning person) he went out to a newspaper stand. After getting a copy of The NC today he had walked back home and had decided to take a glance at the front page, like he usually did, just to know what was going on. At first he couldn’t comprehend what he was looking at, it was impossible! But right there on the front page was the wreckage of The Free Journey, a certain ship heading from North Carolina to Spain, a certain ship that was hit by an unknown torpedo and the certain ship that his father was on.

During his walk back over a dune to the house, thinking back over the official call that destroyed all doubt of his father’s death, he was startled to see a strange old woman standing on the side of his house, it looked like she was painting something. “Hey!” he shouted while running the last few feet “What the heck are you doing?!?” The lady didn’t stop until he was right next to her, he shouted at her again “What do you think your doing?!?”
The lady immediately turned and grasped his arm, then in a soft voice replied,“Doing what is necessary, it has finally been discovered, your father has failed, and the duty must be passed.” She then turned and ran around the other side of the house, the side facing the town.
Cean, utterly bewildered ran after her shouting “Hey! Wait! You gotta clean it up!!” Cursing he rounded the other side and saw that the lady had disappeared into the shadows of the town. Grumbling at crazy old people he went back and looked at what she had painted, it was some sort of symbol. It was a gray hump and black M to either side of a blue blotch with a tan man-like figure on above. Cean sighed, probably some senile old woman who thought he was her grandson, quite possibly she was trying to tell him, her supposed grandsonson, that his father failed at something.
He went around the house to the front door, deciding not to tell his mom, hopefully the paint would wash off with the rain tonight and he wouldn’t have to scrub it off. He sat down on the couch and turned to channel 50, there was nothing like a good laugh at political jokes to erase weird encounters and stressful thoughts from his mind. He eased back into the sofa and zoned out.

END CHAPTER 1

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This is a bit boring...But it introduces the setting, main character and gives some information vital to the myth-ignorant (or if you come from a country without those myths).

The little ~ ~ ~ are to show the lapse of time, I'm not going to go through every step Cean takes (it may seem that I am doing that but every part of this chapter has significance, except th political jokes comment :P).

Chapter two coming Friday.

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Last edited by dunsparce on Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:19 am, edited 5 times in total.



Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:05 am
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I like. I can't spot anything you should improve on. The Prologue was the best, though, IMO.

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Fri Nov 30, 2007 12:24 pm
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Only one reply? Dang.

@Ghett0: Nothing, really? I can even find things I need to improve on.

Chapter 2 is here! (loooooooooooooong chapter)

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Chapter 2: The Symbol

Cean woke up, he slowly began to fully embrace wakefulness as his thoughts turned to the rest of the day. “Urrr, gotta get up, get dressed and go to school….” He smiled with his eyes still closed as he realized it was Saturday, he did this almost every weekend, mentally bracing himself for school and then happily realized that it was out today. He continued to smile as he began to drift to more leisurely thoughts. “Hmmm, maybe I’ll get up around 11, eat brunch, have a quick swim, then maybe watch a movie before finishing homework.” He slowly drifted back to sleep with these thoughts, and he was about to pass back into the realm of unconsciousness when…”CEAN!! Wake up and get down here! I have a job for you!” Cean groaned and rolled out of bed. Of course mom would mess up his plans, how could he expect to last a full Saturday without doing a job of some kind? He quickly threw on some jeans and a tee shirt before staggering downstairs. “What is it mom?” he asked when he reached the bottom where his mother was waiting. “Well honey, I should ask you the same thing, what IS it that’s painted on the side of the house?” Cean groaned inwardly, apparently the rain hadn’t washed the strange symbol off. “I don’t know, some crazy old lady painted it yesterday, I thought it might wash off in the rain.” Cean’s mother frowned “Well an old lady doing something like that is troubling, poor thing must really be getting on in her years.” Cean nodded simply for the benefit of agreeing with her, he hoped she’d forget about whatever job…”But either way, Cean, it still needs to be cleaned off. So grab the car brush and get scrubbing.” …Apparently not.

Annoyed Cean began scrubbing the gray hump. “Stupid old lady, just had go and get waterproof paint.” Cean continued scrubbing, making a bunch of suds in the process. He had just finished grumbling to himself about how the lady should be in a shelter (this took about half an hour), when he realized that his efforts was making no effect on the paint what-so-ever. He groaned again, she must have gotten the expensive tough construction paint. He trudged back to the house and once he reached his mother sipping coffee at the kitchen table, he said, “The paint won’t come off, no matter how hard I scrub, the lady must have gotten some construction paint.” His mom frowned “That is a problem, well then you’ll just have to paint over it! We have extra paint and brushes in the garage.” Cean sighed “Oh great” he muttered under his breath, then he made his way back to the garage.

But for some reason he couldn’t paint over it, no matter how much primer and paint he laid on it, the symbol was still there. So after a few minutes he was back in the kitchen “I can’t paint over it, it just shows through.” He complained. Cean’s mother was suspicious at this point and said “Oh really? Show me this magic construction paint.” Cean obliged and, with much show and re-applying proved that it was indeed impossible to erase the symbol from the wall. Cean’s mother was puzzled “How could there be such a paint? Even military lead paint can be painted over.” Cean didn’t particularly care, even if the paint was of alien make. He just wanted to continue with his Saturday. Finally Cean’s mother relented in her determination to force some sort of chore on Cean “Oh all right, I guess I’ll ask a professional tomorrow.” Cean thought “Thank YOU.” To no one in particular and walked back into the house. By that time it was 9 AM, too late to go back to bed and too early to start brunch as planned. Cean decided to have some oatmeal and read the comics, not quite as good as sleeping in but better than nothing.

~ ~ ~

Later in the day Cean was swimming, this time he had decided to go a ways down the coast near the town and then walk back, so his water-proof pouch with some clothes and money was strapped across his back. Eventually he decided he had gone far enough, he went into a tourist bathroom located a short ways from the beach, luckily not all the stalls were full and he was able to change right away. He walked out with the money in his pocket and the swimming trunks in the pouch, he turned into the beach parking lot and began the long walk home.

As he passed Digi-ware, one of his favorite video game stores, he turned a corner and stopped dead. There, simply looking in a craft-store window, was the old lady. He decided to approach silently; the lady might run away if she recognized him. When he finally got near enough an insane urge got came him, he shouted, “BOO!” as a little revenge for his disrupted sleep; strangely the lady didn’t seem startled until she looked at him, then her mouth dropped and she stuttered, “But…how are you here? What are you doing? You should be at home!” She said this in a worried voice that seemed in apprehension of danger. She immediately grabbed his arm and started to pull him towards a bus stop “You need to get home you fool! They’re coming today!” Cean couldn’t make heads or tails of this and he pulled away, “Look, lady. I think you should just go home and get some rest. I don’t know you! So why don’t you just go back to whoever looks after you and leave me alone!” Cean hoped that that would snap the lady back to reality, but unfortunately she just continued to murmur under her breath. “So you’re not ready, you don’t know; well I guess that’ll have to change soon.” She smiled at him in a weird way, it made Cean feel slightly uncomfortable, and then turned on her heels and ran. Cean didn’t even bother chasing after her; he knew it wouldn’t do any good.

~ ~ ~

Cean eventually got back home, but his mind was still filled with his strange encounter with that woman. He decided to forget about it; chances were that he would never see that lady again. Cean went up to his room and decided to get some homework done. He picked up his Latin book and began memorizing verb endings “O, s, t, m-u-s, t-i-s, n-t…” He repeated over and over in his head. When he considered them memorized he went downstairs for dinner.

During dinner his mom began her daily interrogation, “So how was your swim?” “Fine.” “Did you enjoy yourself?” “Yes.” “How was the water?” “Fine” “Did you run into Tracy?” “No” “Are you going to tell me anything in more than a one-word response?” Cean sighed, why did mothers want to know so badly? “Sure mom, what do you want to know?” This time it was his mom’s turn for a sigh of exasperation. “Anything! Did something interesting happen on your trip?” Cean’s mouth was just in the process of forming the negative syllable when he remembered the old women. “Well I saw the old lady who painted that symbol, when I talked to her she just muttered some things and ran off.” Cean decided to leave out the part about shouting “Boo!” at her, his mother certainly wouldn’t like that. His mom frowned, “I hope she’s okay, an old lady wandering around town could get hurt.” By that time Cean had finished his dinner, he was a fast eater, and he reassured her while he was getting up, “She’s probably fine mom. Our town isn’t that dangerous.” Cean tossed his stuff in the dishwasher and went back into the living room, then he turned on the tv in the hope of catching the football game.

Later at around 8 the game ended and Cean went up to his room, he decided to blast some aliens on his favorite video game before going to bed, nothing else ends a Saturday like blue blood! After a few hours blowing apart and skewering fiendish extraterrestrials Cean went to bed, his eyes aching from constantly staring at a screen in the darkness. He hoped he wouldn’t need glasses, that would ensure him a nerd; but judging from his Saturday he wasn’t very sure he wasn’t one. Deciding to worry about those kind of things when his headache stopped he slipped under his sheets, and after half an hour he went to sleep. And so the last normal day of his life, ended.

~ ~ ~

“Ugh” Cean thought as he got out of be Sunday morning, a scratchy throat added to his morning problems. “I’d better go get some tea or something.” He staggered down the stairs, yawning and wincing as air came through his throat. He boiled some water and threw a tea bag in it, then he slowly sipped it as he tried to come to full sensatory alert. He glanced at the oven-clock; it was 10, early by his standards of weekend sleeping. He finished his tea and went out to get a newspaper, he would eat after his throat smoothed out. When he returned he noticed that his mom was not around, shrugging he thought “She must have gone to church or something.” Deciding to not pay too much attention to it he pored himself some cereal. Glancing at the front page he saw that, once again, some celebrity had done something stupid involving the police. Rolling his eyes he flipped to the second page, the weather section, maybe something that actually affected him was there. He was mildly interested that a large fog had rolled in and left while he was sleeping, “I hope it doesn’t get too cold for swimming” he thought as he finished his cereal. He yawned again and went to take a shower, hoping that it would wake him all the way up. He went upstairs, grabbed a towel and went into the bathroom.

After the shower he decided to do a bit of sun bathing before it got too cold for it. He changed into his swimming trunks and grabbed a book he was supposed to be reading for English, a beach-blanket and some sunglasses, then he walked outside and headed towards the beach. Spreading the blanket out he lay down and began to read.

After an hour waiting for his skin to tan he walked back to the house. When he had finished climbing the familiar sand dune he walked past the sea-facing wall and to the front door. For some reason he felt some slight unease as he passed the wall, he just couldn't place it, deciding to forget about it he walked inside and changed into some normal clothes. Then he watched a few sitcom reruns before fixing himself a hot dog out of the fridge. After lunch he decided to do some web surfing.

Eventually, he found himself leisurely reading about the loch ness monster, apparently it had, apparently like most myths, also been created by drunk old men. He managed to get as far as the theory that it could be a Plesiosaur, because of it’s alleged long-necked four-finned-tailed appearance, before he closed the window and got off the computer in disgust. Why did mythology have torture him at home too? Wandering back into the kitchen he was startled to see it was already 2 PM, and his mother had still not returned. After pondering this a bit he decided that she had just gone shopping after church with her friend Tracy like she sometimes did on Sundays, and she had simply forgot to call. Letting this thought pass out of his mind he decided to go into town. Grabbing his key from a hook and his wallet from his discarded swim bag he locked up and strolled into town.

After considering a new video game (one of those games that crammed an entire gaming series into one) and finally rejecting it, he walked out of Digi-ware. He had all the games anyway. As he turned the familiar corner where he had seen the lady, he saw Tracy staring into the same craft store window as the old women had. Confused as to where his mom could be he walked up to Tracy and said “Hello Ms. Janger” Tracy Janger seemed surprised at first and then smiled and replied “Oh, hello Cean, it’s a nice day isn’t it? I just love days like this. This is precisely the kind of day that I love to go shopping. Come to think of it your mother likes it too…” Tracy was quite the talker; Cean quickly cut her off before she could get much farther by saying “That’s what I wanted to ask you about, my mom, have you seen her?” Confusion wrinkled Tracy’s face “Well I can’t say I have, I haven’t seen her all day, I was actually about to ask where she’s been. She didn’t meet me after church like we planned; I didn’t see her at church at all. But she should have been there, it was a good sermon, it was all about…” Cean’s apprehension drowned the words out. His mother wasn’t with her? Well then where was she? Cean let Tracy ramble on a bit more while he thought about this problem, then at his first chance he said good-bye and caught a bus to get home quickly. Something obviously wasn’t right.

When Cean got home it was 4:30, a time when his mom would usually began making Sunday dinner. Apprehension growing he decided to forget about it with a quick swim, with any luck he would find his mother finally doing that jogging exercise plan.

After the swim, with no sign of his mother, Cean trudged back up that dune and past the wall. Once again he felt uneasiness as he passed the wall. Deciding to check it out he went back around and looked around the wall. He looked for about a minute before it hit him. Turning around from the bush he was searching to fully face the wall he realized something startling, the symbol was gone! After a few moments of thought he went back into the house. How the symbol disappeared could be solved after he found his mother. It was now 6 and he was getting hungry, downing a turkey and ham sandwich he decided to search around the house. Surely if his mom had gone she would have left a note. After searching around the kitchen, entry hall and bathroom he finally wandered into his mother’s bedroom. As soon as he walked in he immediately looked on the bed near the window, instantly he saw a note on the bed and slit it open. What was on it nearly made his heart stop. It read:

Dear Cean

I have left, you will soon know why. I know I will see you again, but it might be a while. My words to you until then are this: don’t falter when living things have need of you, and don’t let appearances interfere with the way you act. And as for your job, which you shall also soon know, I am sure you will do fine, you are my son after all. I know you are probably worried, I know I am, but you shouldn’t be worried about me, it is you that I, and you should too, worry about. You're going to have one hell of a time.

Love, Dian Ness, mom

P.S. The symbol on the wall, it will lead you, wait there if they haven’t already found you.


Cean stared at the note for a long time, not fully comprehending what it meant. His mom, gone? It was almost inconceivable that his mother would leave him. She was just always, just, there. She was his only parent since his father’s death, and though it didn’t become immediately apparent, he loved her more then anything. Breathing fast he tried to gain some clue as to what was going on from the letter, but he could find nothing. The only clear fact revealed in the letter was that she was gone. Gone! Trying to calm himself he wandered back down the stairs with the letter still clutched in his hand, almost unconsciously he wandered outside and stared at the blank wall where the symbol once was. Then it hit him in full blow and he suddenly felt numbed grief, anger and confusion. Mostly confusion “What does she mean be the job I’m about to do? What does she mean by ‘they’? And why in the world do I have to wait by this wall?” He thought. Pondering he sat down on the sand and waited. After a while and when he decided he couldn’t possible think of the answers, he remembered the lady. “She painted the symbol on the wall, maybe she had something to do with this!” With that thought he got up, ready to rush off and find that women, and wring the answers out of her if he had to. Then he sat back down again. Where in the world was he supposed to look? She could be anywhere. He decided that the best thing to was to just wait here.

After a few hours of building sand castles while occasionally glancing at the wall he became annoyed, what was he waiting for? Standing up he kicked his hours worth of work, his anger and grief rising. Then he stalked over to the wall, kicked it and shouted at the sky “What the hell am I waiting for?!?!?!” Surprisingly, there was an answer, “That’s what I am here to answer.” Cean whirled around and stared. There stood the lady, smiling her weird smile.

END OF CHAPTER 2

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Hehe, I leave you hanging :P. Give me advice please!

Chapter 3 is coming, as always, next Friday (this one might be even longer).

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Last edited by dunsparce on Fri Dec 07, 2007 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Dec 07, 2007 8:09 am
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Bloody hec, this took me 4 hours to do, (not all in one go):

dunsparce wrote:
Rating: The proluge is PG-13...
I will post the proluge ASAP

"Prologue", (but you've spelt it correctly later on).

dunsparce wrote:
The cell ringed with the screams of two dieing men.

Dying - 'dieing' means dieing a colour; dying as in death is spelt 'dying'.

dunsparce wrote:
The cell ringed...

It's "rang" in the past tense.

dunsparce wrote:
“No? You won’t tell me willingly?” The tall man asked “Well that’s a shame, but fortunately I know a way to force it out of you.” Mr. Ness looked up in fear “Ohhhhh yes, I have found out how to rip it from of you. Apparently it can only be achieved if you kill someone of your own species.” Mr. Ness shook his head again, this time in desperation “No? You can’t kill someone of your own species? Well don’t worry Mr. Ness. I will help you.” The man smiled and shouted behind his shoulder “Bring him in!!”

I know it's the same man talking but there's too much speech on the same line here and should have slightly different punctuation. It should be separated in parts. Perhaps:
me.editing.dunsparce's.work wrote:
“No? You won’t tell me willingly?” The tall man asked. “Well that’s a shame, but fortunately I know a way to force it out of you.”
Mr. Ness looked up in fear.
“Ohhhhh yes, I have found out how to rip it from of you. Apparently it can only be achieved if you kill someone of your own species.”
Mr. Ness shook his head again, this time in desperation.
“No? You can’t kill someone of your own species? Well don’t worry Mr. Ness. I will help you.” The man smiled and shouted behind his shoulder.
“Bring him in!!”


dunsparce wrote:
“If my sources are not mistaking..."

I think it should be 'mistaken', not 'mistaking'.


dunsparce wrote:
The man paused at that thought and the torturer thrust his dagger’s hilt into Mr. Ness’s numbed hand. And slowly lifted it above the bound man’s neck, the bound man looked up at the dagger...
-----------------------------------------------------

Just the thought of his enemy dieing brought a smile to his lips, he paused as he let it all sink in and for both men to start hyperventilating. Then with the smile growing ever wider he turned to the torturer and with mock surprise on the torturer and said...

These parts don't make complete sense but I do understand what you mean here.


dunsparce wrote:
Home-ec he knew was the worst, their were some stories of toy babies...

"There."

dunsparce wrote:
It is supposed to be between two mountains located on the map here…..”

You only need the ellipsis, (the three 'dots'), even when ending a sentence like this.

dunsparce wrote:
Cean rolled his eyes and pretended not to care about their taunts, but truthfully they had struck a cord.

Hmm, this reminds me more of music. Maybe "struck a nerve" would have been better but never mind.

dunsparce wrote:
Even though it had now been two years since he and his mother had received the news and he was now 15. The memories still stun.

This could be all one sentence and I gather you mean 'stung' but I'm not sure (?).

dunsparce wrote:
That had infected him with a certain aura of nerd.

Haha, that's hilarious.

dunsparce wrote:
He had often taken Cean out on his moter-boat, pointing and identifying birds and fish that they saw.

"Motor" (unless the American spelling is different, sorry).

dunsparce wrote:
and change into swimming trunks in the bathroom to the other side of the hall right across from the front door...

This confused me a little but I get the gist.

dunsparce wrote:
He swam for about an hour, thinking about his father and the day he found out about his death. School was starting soon so his mom was running errands at 5 AM in her usual neurotic way, she was always afraid that he would fail because he didn’t have all his supplies. He woke up...

This was quite confusing – I thought one moment he was swimming/thinking about his father and the next moment, in the same paragraph, it jumped to talking about school starting so I was like "Wasn't he just at school?" I guessed it was meant to be the next day until I saw that it carried on from the first sentence about the day of his father’s death.

dunsparce wrote:
a certain ship that was hit by an unkown torpedo and the certain ship that his father was on.

"Unknown".

dunsparce wrote:
“Hey!” he shouted while running the last few feet “What the heck are you doing?!?” The lady didn’t stop until he was right next to her, he shouted at her again “What do you think your doing?!?” the lady immediately turned and grasped his arm, then in a soft voice said “Doing what is necessary, it has finally been discovered, your father has failed, and the duty must be passed.” She then turned and ran around the other side of the house, the side facing the town. Cean, utterly bewildered ran after her shouting “Hey! Wait! You gotta clean it up!!”

Again, too much speech in the same paragraph, especially in the sense that speech is supposed to be on different lines particularly when more than one person is talking, ('Cean' and the "strange old woman").

dunsparce wrote:
it was some sort of symbol. It was a gray hump and black M to either side of a blue blotch with a tan man-like figure on top.

This doesn't 'paint' a very clear image in my mind. What did you mean by "gray hump" and what's a "tan man-like figure"? Did you mean tanned? Is the man on top of the blue blotch which, in turn, has a black M to either side of it? :S.

dunsparce wrote:
quite possibly she was trying to tell him her son and his supposed father failed at something.

? This doesn't quite make sense.

dunsparce wrote:
He sat down on the couch and turned to channel 50, nothing like a good laugh at political jokes to erase a weird encounter and stressful thoughts from your mind. He eased back into the sofa and zoned out.

It doesn't matter too much because it's understandable but the way this is written, you've switched between tenses. It's quite hard; I have to check my work for this sometimes but where you've typed "...stressful thoughts from your mind", the sentence should be quoted as if it was speech but in italics to show Cean is thinking, not speaking, because otherwise you'll be swapping tenses quite a bit.
However, if you're not bothered about this sort of thing then it's fine.

dunsparce wrote:
mentally bracing himself for school and the happily realized that it was out today.

Then?

dunsparce wrote:
“Stupid old lady, gotta go and get water proof paint.”

This sounds like he's actually suggesting she should go and get water proof paint.

dunsparce wrote:
water-proof pouch with some cloths

Cloths or clothes?

dunsparce wrote:
When he finally got near enough an insane urge got over him

Not sure I like the wording here. Er..."came" may have been better.

dunsparce wrote:
Later at around 8 the game ended

It looks better with "am" or "pm" afterwards if it's the number, or else "eight".

dunsparce wrote:
He yawned again and went to take a shower, hoping that it would wake him all the way up.

Strange word choice.

dunsparce wrote:
For some reason he felt some slight unease as he passed the wall that he could not place

Could have been worded slightly better – kinda sounds like the wall is something he couldn't place, but it's still understandable.

dunsparce wrote:
he walked inside and changed into some normal cloths.

"Clothes"?

dunsparce wrote:
Cean decided to have some oatmeal and read the comics, not quite as good as sleeping in but better than nothing.

~ ~ ~

Later in the day Cean was swimming, this time he had decided to go a ways down the coast near the town and then walk back, so his water-proof pouch with some cloths and money was strapped across his back. Eventually he decided he had gone far enough

I think you use the word "decided" too much. This ^ is just one example - 3 "decided"s in 3 lines. It's just a little repetitive but I know sometimes when writing it's hard to keep track of how many times you use a word because you're concentrating more on the plot of the story. Just try to check each paragraph a few times and use a Thesaurus if you're stuck.

dunsparce wrote:
As he pointlessly looking up the loch ness monster

"Pointlessly” looked.

dunsparce wrote:
As he pointlessly looking up the loch ness monster, apparently it had too been created by old drunk men, and getting as far as the theory that is could be a Plesiosaur

The bold line should probably be in brackets because it's additional information that’s not directly linked to the information - by this I mean that the "as" in "As he pointlessly looking up the loch ness monster" suggests something is about to happen, but you've thrown in the part about it apparently being "created by drunk old men" as if he were thinking this and then you've carried on from "looking up the loch ness monster".

dunsparce wrote:
long necked-four finned-tailed appearance

Hyphens are in the wrong place.

dunsparce wrote:
After considering a new video game, another one of those games that crammed an entire gaming series into one, and finally rejecting it

Again for the brackets thing.

dunsparce wrote:
Cean let Tracy ramble on a bit more while he thought about this turn of events

Hm, I'm not sure this is the right expression either because Cean doesn't know what events have 'turned', so to speak - he just knows his mum isn't with Tracy. A unimportant "turn of events" might be someone going from winning a game to losing it and an important one might be somebody's life going great then horrible events happening to 'turn it upside down', but I wouldn't think somebody not knowing where their mother is in the early afternoon is really a turn of events, (until we know what's happened and find that it is).

dunsparce wrote:
When Cean got home it was 4:30, a time when his mom would usually began making Sunday dinner.

"Begin" or just "a time when his mom usually began making..." (without "would").

dunsparce wrote:
Dear Cean...

Your going to have one hell of a time.

"You're" as in "you are".

dunsparce wrote:
Love, Dian Ness, mom

P.S. The symbol on the wall, it will lead you, wait there if they haven’t already found you.

It's kinda strange for her to put her name in a note to her own son.

dunsparce wrote:
Then he stalked over to the wall and kicked it, then he shouted at the sky “What the hell am I waiting for?!?!?!” Then he was startled to hear an answer, “That’s what I am here to answer.”

Too many "then"s in such a short space :P .

Mainly, try to work on the speech. It should be on separate lines when different characters are talking.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I apologize if I've p*ssed you off, I just wanted to give constructive criticism. However, I did actually enjoy the story itself and look forward to reading more.

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Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:20 pm
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Why in the world would that p*ss me off? This is exactly what I need.

Yeah, I have trouble with paragraph breaks and spelling. I thought I had missed a few. I'll edit those problems you mentioned, thanks for pointing them out :D. Although I'm not sure why you think of "Aura of nerd" as funny :? .

Four hours :shock: , wow...

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Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:50 pm
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I just think it's a very original line that I've never heard before but one which gives the reader a good, clear image of how we're meant to imagine Cean.
I'm glad you aren't angry and you've hopefully found what I said helpful but feel free to ignore anything, I'm not a genious after all. Thanks.
Ah, yes, well, I like to take my time :P . Actually, I don't like to, I'm just slow :) .

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Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:57 pm
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You don't need to be a genius to spot grammar errors.

Anyway, I've decided to include little scratch sprite pictures for each of my chapters, just a little extra for when I don't want to write. Only the prologue's one is done, it's the dagger with a drop of that blue essence (more about what that is in the third chapter).

Image

P.S. DON'T CRITIQUE ON THE ART HERE! Do it at my fan art, I'll be posting them there also. kthx.

Edit: Chapter one's is done:

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Mon Dec 10, 2007 11:45 am
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DUM DUM DUMMMMMMM...Chapter three :twisted:

I have decided to post it now as tomorrow I'm going to be very busy, this is the single longest thing I have ever written in my life.

Sit back, relax, because this is going to be loooooong.

Oh, and enjoy! :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lady:

Cean was briefly surprised; after all she had snuck up on him. But then, he was almost expecting it; who else would have anything to do with this? He looked at her coldly, “So, you’re who I’m waiting for?” he asked with a voice to match his look, this lady had brought him nothing but trouble.
The lady’s weird smile grew wider, “No Cean, I’m here to tell you whom you’re waiting for.” She replied. “But let’s not talk here, it’s getting cold. Please, let’s talk at my house.” She started to walk away towards the town.
But Cean stayed put; in the same cold tone he asked, “Why should I go with you? My mother has disappeared. I have more important things to do than talk with some crazy old lady.” Then a part of her first sentence hit him “Wait, how do you know my name?” This lady was getting weirder and weirder.
She turned around, the smile now a knowing one “I have always known your name Cean, as long as you have known it. And you will talk with me if you want to ever know the circumstances surrounding your mother...And yourself.” Her smile had fell into a strait face by then, as if the weight of what they were talking about hung on the corners of her mouth.
Cean was confused, she still hadn’t answered his question; he put that thought aside for later, there were more important issues. “How do I know you know anything about my mom? You could just be some rambling old lady.” Still, he was intrigued, if she knew his name then maybe she wasn’t insane; still, he wasn’t taking any chances in wasting time wandering through the streets, she would have to convince him.
The lady’s weird smile returned, she replied, “I’m glad you realize that time is an issue, that knowledge will come in useful. Because time is indeed an issue.” She paused, she seemed to be waiting for him to interrupt her, he didn’t, so she continued “Well, Cean; for one a rambling old lady wouldn’t talk as coherently as I do. A crazy old lady wouldn’t know your name; it isn’t a very common name. And a forgetful old lady would certainly have forgotten where your house is.” Her smile still remained; she seemed unperturbed that they were discussing the question of her sanity.
Cean’s mouth bended from the hard line it had been to a grim upward arc, apparently she wasn’t completely insane. Cean decided to give in, if she wasn’t insane then she was either a liar or actually knew something, he would take that 50-50 chance. Uncrossing the arms that he hadn’t noticed crossing he said, “Fine then, we’ll talk.”
The lady’s smile only widened, she turned around again and began walking away, this time with Cean in tow.

~ ~ ~

They walked for quite a while, shoulder to shoulder, each in silence. After a few minutes they had reached the town. Thinking that they were going to walk into it Cean walked to the right of the V-shaped fork. The lady however veered to the left, a path that led along the west edge of the town. Looking over at him across the sandy divide she shook her head and pointed down the road she was on, still keeping the silence intact. Cean crossed over the divide, not wishing to walk back and come up behind her.
They walked on.
After about half an hour they finally reached what seemed to be their destination; it was a one-story cottage, something that could be expected of an old lady. Yet it was blue instead of Cean’s expectation, pink, and it seemed a bit larger than normal.
When they reached the wooden black door the lady took out a key from a pocket. She then unlocked the door, and opened it.
At first Cean was surprised, it sure didn’t look like an old lady’s house; it actually resembled something like an aquarium library. The room that Cean was staring at was a rectangle, with the door they were coming through on one of the longer sides. But that wasn’t what caught Cean’s eye, all along the opposite wall were huge shelves of sea charts. The sheer number sea charts must have been in the hundreds!
Cean also didn’t see any windows or doors besides the one he had walked through, it seemed the sole occupants of the walls were the shelves and shelves of charts. In the center of the room was a big oval table with what seemed to be a map of the world’s oceans, the kind that you would often see in old movies about the navy.
But Cean’s surprise quickly faded, what did it matter what this lady was interested in? All that really mattered was whatever she was about to tell him here. The lady walked over to a big comfy chair on one side of the table, and motioned for Cean to do the same on the chair across the table from her. Cean walked over and sat down stiffly, then he crossed his arms and waited.
The lady was suddenly very serious; she leaned forward and said, “Well Cean, I guess you’ll want me to tell you whom you were waiting for?”
Cean just gave a small nod, never taking his eyes from the lady’s face.
The lady sighed and said, “Well Cean, I won’t be telling you that for a while now, I’m afraid that in order to understand you must listen to a much longer story.” She took a pause, waiting to see Cean’s reaction.
Cean was only a bit irritated, didn’t the lady say that time was an issue? He frowned and said “Well then you better get on with it.” His eyes still didn’t leave her face.
The lady’s weird smile returned briefly before her mouth again became strait and open. “Okay Cean, but I’m afraid that what I say won’t improve your opinion of my sanity, but I do have proof, undeniable proof, so no matter what it seems, at least listen.”
Cean rolled his eyes; he seriously doubted anything could improve his opinion of this lady’s sanity. But he leaned back in the chair, preparing for more craziness, and the supposed long story “Fine, I’m listening.” He said, also preparing by gritting his teeth, who knew what was coming now? The lady nodded and began the story.

“Well Cean, you know the story of human evolution? How we came from fish? Well let’s suppose that’s true. If we take that as truth then we suppose that, from various mutations, a swimming creature somehow became an intelligent creature of land. Now, from an evolutionary perspective, this doesn’t make much sense, why would a creature evolve limbs and THEN intelligence? Wouldn’t intelligence, a much easier thing to evolve, come first? Yet for some reason science assumes that the fish must have evolved feet before they could think, because everyone knows that fish are stupid.”
She took a breath.
“And yet…we have, for millenniums, had legends of super intelligent swimming beings. In fact, only one legend; the legend of mermaids, the oldest myth there is. Half fish half human beings, lords of the sea, as we are of land. Now, naturally, this has always been regarded as a myth by the modern community. But what if…” She leaned forward at this point, the smile yet again across her face “they were real?”
Cean couldn’t suppress a snort at this point, mermaids? She had to be joking.
The smile, completely unwavering even with Cean’s disbelief opened once again, “Well Cean, you know what? They are real. Mermaids, or as they prefer to be called Alui, do live on this earth.”
Cean couldn’t take it anymore; he was wasting time talking to a crazy person. Deciding to at least pretend he believed her so she wouldn’t go completely off the deep end, Cean interrupted, “If that’s true, then what in the world does this have to do with me?” he asked with false politeness.
The lady’s smile only widened “Be patient Cean, I said it was going to be a long story.” She took another breath and continued.
“As I said, Alui live on this earth, an entire species, with intelligence to rival ours. Now, to explain why they are considered myths. If you think about it they would have but three options in coexisting with another intelligent race. First, they could try to live in peace with us. But, over the centuries, they have seen what cruel animals we are. We would hunt them, declare war with them, discriminate against them, experiment on them and maybe even attempt to enslave them. Look at what we do to our own species for just having a different skin tone! So, to avoid the danger of any of those, they could also simply wipe us all out. But they are not the violent race that we are; the idea of extinction disgusts them. And so they are left with the last option, to hide. They could attempt to hide their entire civilization, to remain separate from us, and be able to flourish without interaction. Obviously, this is what they did. And this is where you come in, Cean.”
Cean was confused, and a bit angry “Where do I come in? Wait, what?” he asked.
The lady’s smile had dropped when she was talking about what humans would do to the mermaids, and by now it was a serious line. “Haven’t you figured it out yet? Isn’t it obvious? The Alui couldn’t possibly have stayed hidden by themselves! They needed human helpers of course! How do you think they became the stuff merely of legends? Why do you think there is no physical evidence? Because of the humans who destroyed the evidence and made sure that everyone thought they were myths! Without these people there would always be suspicion, maybe even certainty, that half fish people exist. So that is where you come in Cean, you are one of…”
Cean sat up strait and shouted at her “What! Why?” He began to rant, “I never asked for this!” Then Cean stopped, what was he doing? Was he actually beginning to believe her? …No, it couldn’t be that. It must just be that he naturally didn’t want to be given responsibility he didn’t ask for, but still…the lady’s words seemed to fit. He shook himself internally; he had to start thinking of this as what it was; the ramblings of an old lady.
The lady’s strait mouth became stiff, apparently she didn’t like that answer. She answered him. “You don’t really have a choice Cean, these helpers are chosen by heredity.”
Cean sat up straighter at this, heredity? The lady’s knowing smile appeared once again in response to his surprise, “Yes Cean, this job is passed down, from parent to child. That’s how it has always been. From birth, you have always been one of these people, so have I,” She took a breath “And so was your father.”
Cean broke out laughing now, not so much from humor or disbelief, but from the pain of the memories. That was just like his father, to help out some strange sea creature, even if it involved some secret society. After about a minute of this mirth the laughing began to subside, until it eventually disappeared completely.
When he was fully recovered Cean finally responded, “Really? So my father was a part of this?” An amused smile played about his lips as he said this; it was so ridiculous. It was now starting to seem like some sort of weird story made by a science fiction nerd. Any doubt of the lady’s insanity had also completely left his mind, she was right about that part. This most certainly didn’t improve his opinion of her sanity.
The lady nodded, untroubled by his outburst this time, before she continued, “Yes Cean, and that’s why your mother had to leave. With every big secret, comes powerful enemies.” The lady’s mouth became grim as she went further. “Cean, your father didn’t die on that ship. He died later, in the cells of the man who launched that torpedo. This man is one of the few people who have actually discovered the truth about Alui, and he is also a murderer. His name is Apollinaris” she spat the word, “and he stops at nothing to reach his goal, to finally find the mermaids and exploit them and whatever treasures the may have. That’s why he killed your father.”
Cean raised an eyebrow, some of this was starting to fit real facts. But still…An evil man bent on exploiting mermaids? How sci-fi could you get? But Cean was curious, “But why would he want to kill my father? That wouldn’t help his cause much. And what does this have to do with my mom leaving?” He asked in pondering voice. Even if this was insanity, it was still interesting.
With her mouth grimmer still, she explained, “Because Cean, your father was our leader, and he was the sole human who held the secrets of the Alui.” She shook her head and sighed, “The Alui have always imparted their information to only one human, and they guard those secrets jealously. So they have made sure that only the decedents of the first leader can possibly know them.” She took a breath, “The first leader, and all his descendants, have the knowledge in their blood.”
Cean was still incredulous, knowledge in their blood? “So, my father had this ‘knowledge’ in his blood? And this man extracted it? And yet again, what does this have to do with my mother?” He asked in as a polite tone as he could muster, the result was as if he could have been asking for the time of day. Instead of calmly discussing murder.
The lady’s grim line answered, “Pateince Cean, we’re almost there. All your questions about your mother will be answered. And Cean, until recently we didn’t know he had extracted it, but now even that we do know, we still don’t know how…” Cean snorted in disbelief, wasn’t that the obvious part? The lady raised an eyebrow, “Cean, it’s not blood that flows in your veins. It is a sort of blood that is entirely inherent of you being. You could almost call it, for want of a better term, ‘soul blood’. It is blood of Alui. Any human who has it inlaid in their DNA like you, can take any knowledge of the Alui from other humans, even wipe memory of them; the most useful tool in keeping the Alui secret. That’s why we had to hide your mother. This man found all this out from your father’s blood, even the Alui’s location. So now he wants to take out the only thing that can take this knowledge from him. You.”

It was all Cean could do to not burst out laughing again; this was just getting too weird. He finally managed to reply with only a slight twitching of the mouth, “So, let me get this strait. You’re saying that Mermaids are real, they’ve been hiding from humans for millennia, they can only do so because of humans who help them, my father was the leader of this generation of helpers, some evil man killed him for his mermaid ‘soul blood’, and he did this so he could exploit the mermaids. I have this ‘soul blood’ in me, it allows me to take the knowledge of the mermaids from people, and so to stop that from happening to him he now wants to kill me.” Cean couldn’t help but grin at this point as the lady nodded, Cean continued, “Well then, thank you for your story, and you’re absolutely right! That really doesn’t improve my opinion of your sanity. In fact this seems fairly ridiculous. So if you don’t mind I’m going to go and do something useful, like, oh I don’t know, find my mother!” Cean smiled at the insane lady and got up from his chair, the lady rose with him, her knowing smile returned. Cean began walking back towards the door.
But the lady called after him shrewdly, “But where will you look Cean?” That stopped him, where would he look? The lady saw his uncertainty and her smile grew wider, “I have evidence Cean, did forget that part? And anyway, what if I’m right? Then your mother would be completely safe, I would be one of the few who does know where she is and you would be in danger. I think that’s reason enough that you should come with me.” Cean closed his eyes slowly, though he hated the fact, he knew she was right, he had no idea what to do when he started looking, and the police certainly wouldn’t be of any help. He opened his eyes again and made a 180 to face her. His smile had disappeared in it’s place was an irritated frown. The lady’s smile, in contrast, only grew wider; she motioned for him to follow. Then she turned around and walked to the far upper-left corner of the room, grabbed the edge of a bookcase and pulled. The case “opened”, as on an invisible hinge, Cean rolled his eyes, this was starting to get very cloak-and-dagger.

The bookcase opened to a big room, it looked more like an expensive hotel suite; in one corner there was a small kitchen with a bar counter, and the rest of the room was devoted to a living room you would find for a rich single; even a plasma TV and leather couch were included, just no windows. Instead the light came from a lot of modern-looking lamps. So it was not cloak and dagger then, judging by how flamboyant this room was, there was just no room for a door. Cean raised his eyebrows at the finery; this lady never did anything halfway did she? He half expected a butler to appear out of nowhere and ask what they would need. He shook his head and smiled at this abrupt change in scenery; even if she wasn’t sane, she still had style.

But the lady ignored all of this and walked purposefully across to a door on the other corner across from the mini-kitchen. Cean, who had broken stride at the door, hurried to follow her, trying to concentrate on not tripping on the Oriental rug rather then staring lustfully at the plasma. The lady had taken a key out and unlocked the door, she now opened it and walked strait in, not pausing even to see if Cean was following her. Cean hurried after her and came into…her bathroom.

It looked a lot like a large public restroom. Nope, she defiantly didn’t do anything in small quantities. Cean paused at the door, wondering if she had simply been meaning to go to the bathroom, and this evidence was going to come later. The lady turned around and smiled, “Only one more door Cean.” She said. She then turned back and headed to the last stall, the big handicapped one; she opened the door and went inside.

Both of Cean’s eyebrows were both raised at this point, what the heck was this? The lady called out from the stall, it sounded like she was shouting from the end of a tunnel, “Come on Cean!” Hesitantly Cean walked forward, this was starting to seem even stranger then the story had been. Carefully Cean looked around the divider, ready to shut his eyes very quickly. Who knew what this crazy lady was trying to trick him into? But instead of a toilet and sink, there was instead a staircase in a plastic tunnel, heading down. The lady’s voice came from this staircase, “Come on Cean! Keep up! Just go with the flow!” her laugh now echoed from the tunnel, a laugh that could easily be expected from a movie star. Utterly bewildered Cean began walking down the staircase, looking at the smooth round tunnel walls, the plastic was a dark shade of green. The staircase was incredibly long, occasionally having a turn to the left, every few feet a light similar to the lamps were nailed into the wall. Eventually it felt to Cean like he was going in a downward spiral. After almost half an hour, Cean finally reached the bottom. His first reaction was to stop and stare. It seemed like he was doing a lot of that lately.

It now looked like he had stepped into a huge underground boat dock; even with it’s own, complementary, underground sea. The green plastic stretched high above in an arch over it, ending at the far side of the dock, where the water stopped. Cean looked down towards where open water would be if this was above ground, and amazingly, there was open water. It stretched like a huge river until is disappeared down the dark tunnel, until it absorbed light like a sponge, and no difference could be seen between the water and the darkness. Cean simply stared, his eyes wide and his eyebrows still attempting to escape into his oily hair. Cean wasn’t really sure what he was expecting, quite possibly he wasn’t expecting anything, but he couldn’t have expected this. Cean barley noted the lady was standing by the entrance, observing his astonished features, and still smiling.

“So, what do you think?” She asked after a few minitues. Cean’s voice cracked, but he managed to say, “…Water.” There was that laugh again, completely in contrast from the mouth that released it. Cean’s head was snapped back to the present by that, he turned and looked at her curiously, how could an old lady have this in her basement? It would cost millions of dollars. Her laugh subsided and, still smiling, she said, “Come on, it’s time for you to, finally, meet someone.” She turned and walked down the dock, toward the third-to-last of the 15 piers. Each pier marked by a row of lamps coming out of the water, they were what supplied the light. Cean managed to recover enough to follow her. At the base of each pier was a small boathouse, and the lady turned into the one for pier number 13, the pier they were heading towards. Cean barely had time to catch up before she was out again, a beach bag over her shoulder and a small walkie-talkie like thing in her hand.

Cean’s gaze was questioning so she explained, “Just a few things we may be needing, there may be a trip ahead of us.” Cean started, then exclaimed “Trip?! What trip?! I thought we were going to find my mother! And what’s with this ‘us’?” he still wasn’t so much angry as confused; it was starting to get harder to keep up now. The lady, still smiling, shook her head in an exasperated way while she answered him, “’us’ because it is my responsibility to make sure you know everything, so I may need to stay with you for a while. And no Cean, we’re not going to find your mother. Remember how I said she was hidden? And that she’s perfectly safe? All we have to do is avoid ruthless enemies until you’re finally up to speed. Going to your mother right now would be dangerous for her, and time consuming. And it’s time to see whom she wanted you to wait for.”

Cean stared for a second, in a slightly calmer tone he challenged, “But you still haven’t given me your ‘undeniable proof’, so why should I believe anything you say? And how do you know my mother wanted me to wait for someone?” The lady’s smile was unwavering, either she found this funny, or she was just insane. Cean was still rather inclined to think it was later. The lady chuckled; Cean wondered what he kept on saying that was so funny. When she finished she looked him strait in the eye, the smile still on her lips, and said, “Because my proof is actually a few people I know. Who also happen to be whom you are supposed to be waiting for, and who hid your mother.” Cean was confused, yet again. How could the mere presence of people prove anything as ridiculous as this? But Cean repressed this question; that particular detail would probably be answered when these people showed up. But the next question that came to mind he didn’t want to suppress, he was too impatient. “So…How long do we have to wait?” His features had rearranged themselves into a calm and almost bored expression as he said this. But Cean fought to keep his emotions in sync with his face; over-thinking this wouldn’t help anything. And it could make him insane.

The lady, to answer, held up the walkie-talkie thing, or at least it looked a lot like a walkie-talkie. Only it had no antenna and a red light was in place of a speaker. This red light was blinking at a quick and steady pace, as Cean watched it began to blink even faster. The lady put Cean’s thoughts on what that could only mean into speech, “This red light tells how close they are, and judging by the speed of the light, I would say the will arrive in about…” She turned the thing towards her and examined it’s now furious pace, “five seconds.” Cean barely had time to process this thought and raise his eyebrows before he saw a movement in his peripheral vision, on the huge, underground, sea.

Cean turned so he could fully view whatever it was. It appeared to be a boat, or, more accurately, a yacht. It was certainly as big as the yachts Cean had seen. But it was dark blue, had two “wings” with buoys on the end, and no sun deck, or really any deck at all. The whole thing was covered in metal that eventually narrowed down to a low hanging point on the front that ripped through the water. It really looked more like a car with no wheels. But these features weren’t what made Cean shiver. The entire vessel was completely silent, no hum of an engine, no splash of water; it even seemed as if air couldn’t generate enough turbulence to make a rushing sound. And it was fast. Too fast. It looked, and even sounded, like someone had hit the fast forward button on a “Sexy Boats” film. It so fast that Cean only had time to register these details before it had crossed the one hundred yards of limited sight he had, and he was staring down it’s hull. The lady, a bit unnecessarily, chimed in a sing-song voice, “They’re here!”

A plate of metal, green instead of the usual blue, slid open down the side, much like a grocery store door but without the whoosh. As soon as it opened a grim, tense voice came from it, “So what have you got for us Carla?” The voice didn’t sound bored, but it didn’t seem incredibly excited at the moment; maybe it’s owner just did this a lot. The lady, apparently she was named Carla, spoke up, “Well, I found him, he had gone swimming and just missed you.” She chuckled quietly, “A well known family trait.” The voice didn’t laugh, instead a chorus of much younger, and certainly less grim, snorts of laughter came from the back, this grim voice wasn’t alone.
“Well…Let’s get going then, we don’t have all day.” It said. Carla nodded and walked into the ship, turning to the side of the doorway where the laugh had come from, apparently the passenger compartment; Cean didn’t follow. Carla stuck her head back out and looked at Cean’s shocked form questioningly, “Well come on Cean, we need to go.” Her smile had disappeared; instead she finally looked worried about their, as yet unexplained, limited time.

Cean came back to reality, and frowned, this was her amazing proof? A really advanced boat? What did that have to do with mermaids? “No.” he replied in a hard voice, “Why in the world should I go in there? I have better things to do then lounge inside some boat.”
The grim voice spoke almost immediately in surprise, “You mean you didn’t tell him?” It almost sounded angry. Carla’s head grimaced and said apologetically, “Well I did, but…He doesn’t believe me.” She winced. For the first time the grim voice uttered a dark chuckle, “Well that will have to change won’t it?” it said in a fully audible whisper. Then the voice rose and said, “Get in here already you skeptical child, we both know you have no better things to do. In fact, I doubt you have ever had a better ‘thing to do’ then walk inside this boat right now and talk to us for a while.” The voice held scorn, it didn’t like him for some reason. Cean flushed angrily, the way the voice said it made it seem like a challenge. Then Cean stifled his anger, it wouldn’t do to be angry now. As Cean cautiously walked forward towards the ship he wondered when he could finally let loose all of his emotions, it seemed as if he had been suffocating them ever since he found that fateful letter. Cean would have brooded more on this if he hadn’t entered the ship at this point and turned to see the owner of the voice. And once he did that, all thoughts were wiped out in stunning and mind-numbing shock.

The owner of the voice, and apparently driver of the ship, sat in a chair facing Cean, a slight frown on his lips, his dark eyes closely studying Cean’s shocked expression. The driver had black wavy hair, he wore a skin-sight black surfer shirt and he looked about 25. He had no facial hair and his gymnast-style muscular arms were crossed over his lean chest. The hostility coming from him was now tangible. But it wasn’t the man’s muscles, or his shirt, or his obvious dislike for Cean that completely wiped out all other thoughts. Could it have been his dark blue skin? Still no. The feature that occupied Cean’s attention was his legs, or rather, his lack of them. For instead of legs, a smooth 5-foot long shark-like tail curled onto the floor. Carla smiled that weird smile once more and said, “Cean, meet Marnax. Marnax, Cean”

The merman gave a sneering smile.

End of Chapter 3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, after reading this I can tell you, I could have done this chapter one of two ways.

Option 1 (what I--mainly--chose): I reveal everything in one long conversation and Cean isn't completely clueless. This is much easier because th option 2 is...

Option 2 (hard one): With this I could just skip the entire conversation and they go strait to the docks, and I slowly reveal everything alone the way (much more difficult.

I kind of blended them, I revealed a lot in this conversation, but not all of it. Like you still don't have any idea what-so-ever what the 8th sea is (unless you read the preview). Nor do you know where the Alui (I prefer that name, less...er...disney) are hiding out or how they live. Biiiiig topic there to cover. And there is more that I may not even reveal until the sequel. So there is still some mystery, but the basics are here. And now you know wth this story is mainly about XD.

P.S. I chose my antagonist's name from the Spanish name meaning "destroyer" or something like that. Why Spanish? You'll sea (lol, bad pun).

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Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:23 pm
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dunsparce wrote:
Her smile had fell into a strait face by then, as if the weight of what they were talking about hung on the corners of her mouth.

I like the way you phrased this.

dunsparce wrote:
She turned around, the smile now a knowing one “I have always known your name Cean, as long as you have known it. And you will talk with me if you want to ever know the circumstances surrounding your mother...And yourself.” Her smile had fell into a strait face by then, as if the weight of what they were talking about hung on the corners of her mouth.

Cean was confused, she still hadn’t answered his question; he put that thought aside for later, there were more important issues. “How do I know you know anything about my mom? You could just be some rambling old lady.” Still, he was intrigued, if she knew his name then maybe she wasn’t insane; still, he wasn’t taking any chances in wasting time wandering through the streets, she would have to convince him.

Your paragraphing has improved a lot but in the second one I've quoted, the speech should be on a different paragraph with a full stop after “knowing one” as it doesn’t imply speech is going to follow, whereas in the first one everything is all right because the speech comes first and then there's a line after it.
(Does this make sense? I'm sorry if you don't understand.)

dunsparce wrote:
The lady’s weird smile returned, she replied, “I’m glad you realize that time is an issue, that knowledge will come in useful. Because time is indeed an issue.” She paused...

"Because time is indeed an issue" should follow on from "that knowledge will come in useful" instead of being in a different sentence.

dunsparce wrote:
They walked for quite a while, shoulder to shoulder, each in silence. After a few minutes they had reached the town.

Lol, this isn't exactly important but I imagined them to be walking for twenty or thirty minutes when I read "they walked for quite a while", not a for few minutes.

dunsparce wrote:
Thinking that they were going to walk into it Cean walked to the right of the V-shaped fork.

Hmm...maybe a bit of description before this? I was like "What V-shaped fork?"

dunsparce wrote:
not wishing to walk back and come up behind her.

"Came" because 'he 'came up behind her' but this sounds like he doesn't 'wish to come up behind her'.

dunsparce wrote:
it was a one-story cottage, something that could be expected of an old lady. Yet it was blue instead of Cean’s expectation, pink, and it seemed a bit larger than normal.

The "pink" should probably be in brackets because again it's a bit of additional information and what Cean thought, (or "expected"), < like that, see?
Also, wow, are cottages in America usually pink? No matter who lives in them, the majority of cottages here are just brick coloured. (Although we might have a different definition of 'cottage', lol.)

dunsparce wrote:
But that wasn’t what caught Cean’s eye, all along the opposite wall were huge shelves of sea charts.

There shouldn't be a comma here but perhaps a hyphen or even an ellipsis if you wanted to make it really dramatic, lol. I would have chosen a hyphen in this case.


dunsparce wrote:
But he leaned back in the chair, preparing for more craziness, and the supposed long story “Fine, I’m listening.” He said, also preparing by gritting his teeth, who knew what was coming now? The lady nodded and began the story.

Full stop after "...supposed long story" and another paragraph for the speech.

dunsparce wrote:
In fact, only one legend; the legend of mermaids, the oldest myth there is.

Again, there should be a different punctuation mark here, (probably a hyphen), because "the lady" goes on from "In fact, only one legend..." to explain what that one legend is.

dunsparce wrote:
Cean couldn’t suppress a snort at this point, mermaids? She had to be joking.

Hm, I'm not positive but I think "mermaids?" should be in a separate sentence to "Cean couldn't suppress a snort at this point" because it kinda sounds like you're asking mermaids about Cean suppressing a snort. So:
Quote:
Cean couldn’t suppress a snort at this point. Mermaids? She had to be joking.

Or to express his opinion on this more, an exclamation mark could be added:
Quote:
Cean couldn’t suppress a snort at this point. Mermaids?! She had to be joking.

That's up to you, however, I think "mermaids? She had to be joking." should be in italics or have ' at the beginning and end to show that this is what Cean was thinking.

dunsparce wrote:
Cean was confused, and a bit angry “Where do I come in? Wait, what?” he asked.

The speech should be in a different sentence, (there should be a full stop after “angry”).

dunsparce wrote:
Cean sat up strait and shouted at her “What! Why?”

It's with a 'gh' in this case - "straight". And there needs to be a full stop before the speech, (after "her"), lol.

dunsparce wrote:
so have I,” She took a breath “And so was your father.”

Ya don't need a capital on '"She" because you didn't start a new sentence with it/there is no full stop before it.

dunsparce wrote:
to finally find the mermaids and exploit them and whatever treasures the may have.

"they" :wink:.
dunsparce wrote:
He asked in as a polite tone as he could muster, the result was as if he could have been asking for the time of day. Instead of calmly discussing murder.

These sentences should be together because you're saying "the result was as if he could have been asking for the time of day instead of calmly discussing murder" rather than ending saying "he could have been asking for the time of day" and starting to talk about something else with the opening sentence "Instead of calmly discussing murder..."

dunsparce wrote:
Pateince Cean, we’re almost there..."

"Patience" - Remember the rhyme "i before e, except after c, usually."

dunsparce wrote:
“Pateince Cean, we’re almost there. All your questions about your mother will be answered. And Cean, until recently we didn’t know he had extracted it, but now even that we do know, we still don’t know how…” Cean snorted in disbelief, wasn’t that the obvious part? The lady raised an eyebrow, “Cean, it’s not blood that flows in your veins..."

Bit of paragraphing here to separate all the speech from the lines that aren't speech. Maybe a new paragraph at "The lady raised an eyebrow..."

dunsparce wrote:
“So, let me get this strait..."

It's spelt "straight" again in this use of the word.

dunsparce wrote:
they’ve been hiding from humans for millennia

What is this?

dunsparce wrote:
“But where will you look Cean?” That stopped him, where would he look? The lady saw his uncertainty and her smile grew wider, “I have evidence Cean, did forget that part?

I think there should be a separate paragraph in here to, again, separate the speech, (after "look?" probably). Also, I think you forgot "you" in "did forget that part?"

dunsparce wrote:
His smile had disappeared in it’s place was an irritated frown.

Think there should be some sort of punctuation mark, (or the word "and"), between "disappeared in it's place".

dunsparce wrote:
His smile had disappeared in it’s place was an irritated frown.

Think there should be some sort of punctuation mark, (or the word "and"), between "disappeared in it's place".
For the word "its", or as you wrote it - "it's" - there actually doesn't need to be an apostrophe in cases like this. It can be quite confusing so I just stick to always putting one there when saying "it's" as in "it is" or "it has" and not putting one if I'm saying 'something belonging to it' like what you've put there, (a good example of this) - "it's place".

dunsparce wrote:
The lady had taken a key out and unlocked the door, she now opened it and walked strait in, not pausing even to see if Cean was following her.

It's "straight" again here.

dunsparce wrote:
Nope, she defiantly didn’t do anything in small quantities.

I'm not sure here but I thought I'd check - do you mean "defiantly", (as you've put), or "definitely"?

dunsparce wrote:
Cean’s gaze was questioning so she explained, “Just a few things we may be needing, there may be a trip ahead of us.” Cean started, then exclaimed “Trip?! What trip?! I thought we were going to find my mother! And what’s with this ‘us’?” he still wasn’t so much angry as confused; it was starting to get harder to keep up now.

Separate paragraph from where her speech ended and "Cean started..." because he then goes on to talk as well.

dunsparce wrote:
Cean was still rather inclined to think it was later.

I think you mean "latter".

dunsparce wrote:
When she finished she looked him strait in the eye

Tis "straight" again.

dunsparce wrote:
The lady, to answer, held up the walkie-talkie thing, or at least it looked a lot like a walkie-talkie. Only it had no antenna and a red light was in place of a speaker.

These should also be together as one sentence because, again, the second sentence does actually carry on from the first but in a separate sentence it sounds like something else is going to be talked about. (If you understand me.)

dunsparce wrote:
...Marnax, Cean”

"Cean." - You forgot to finish the sentence, lol.

dunsparce wrote:
...Option 2 (hard one): With this I could just skip the entire conversation and they go strait to the docks

..."straight" :P .

dunsparce wrote:
and I slowly reveal everything alone the way (much more difficult.

")" - Lol, don't forget to close the brackets. Probably just a typo :) .

Good pun at the end there, lol.
Still a few paragraphing matters but there's certainly a great improvement. Also, there are again some places where you've used too many commas or semi-colons instead of putting a hyphen because you're explaining something/additional information or starting a new sentence because a particularly sentence has gone on for a while, but it doesn't ruin anything.
So...excellent work and mostly just minor mistakes. Brilliant stuff - I'm definitely looking forward to reading the next chapter!

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Sun Dec 16, 2007 7:02 pm
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Thanks CharmedJoey, I'll try and fix it as soon as I have time (I'm busy with the fourth chapter).

Anyway, it's been a busy week so I haven't been able to finish chapter 4. But since it's Friday, here is the first part:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Four: First Encounters

Cean’s mind was numb, he was actually staring a mermaid! Or a merman to be more exact, judging from the human half of him. A merman. An actual half-human half-fish creature, staring at Cean with cold black eyes. These eyes didn’t reflect Cean’s surprise; the only emotion detectable in them was blistering scorn, almost outright hate. But this didn’t distract Cean much from what he was staring at, the merman’s tail, the object that put everything else to shame in it’s own incredible existence. Cean could barely think of anything else, so—naturally—his mind began taking in details.
The tail was a sort of dark-blue, the kind of blue you’d imagine you would find in the darkest part of the sea, right before all light was swallowed up and color non-existent. And it stayed this smooth color, not a scale in sight, until the very end where the tail branched out into the typical fan-shape; here there were also no scales but there was a sudden difference in color, it was now a dark green, the same color as the Merman’s skin. This was nothing like those fish things popular media had portrayed; this was a lot more like a lean, 5-foot, dolphin tale...stuck on the end of a man’s waist.
Cean simply couldn’t stop staring at it, it just couldn’t exists, and yet it did. “I have to be dreaming” Was Cean’s first rational thought, “Or hallucinating or something. Maybe I hit my head and I’m in a coma.” The hitting his head idea seemed to fit rather nicely; it covered the fact that he couldn’t remember injuring his head in any way. If he hit his head hard enough, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to remember it. But Cean still stared, not fully believing even his own explanation. Maybe it was because the tail seemed too life-like, or maybe because it merged to perfectly with the human half above it; in a way he couldn’t imagine dreaming up.
The merman, Marnax, continued to scowl and spoke “Are you done staring at me? Or are you going to start drooling first?” He obviously didn’t appreciate being gawked at.
Cean immediately became embarrassed and tried to look away. He just managed to tilt his head back from it’s staring position. Then he tried to avert his eyes and concentrate on face speaking. Cean focused on the merman’s hard features, and tried to play it as cool as he possibly could, resisting the urge to glance at the impossible object at his feet. But when Cean saw Marnax’s features he immediately wished that there was something else that could absorb his attention. For although Marnax’s facial muscles only revealed the scorn and dislike that a schoolboy might have for a roach, his eyes were something completely different. They were filled with fiery, untainted, incredible hatred; hatred that Cean could almost feel burning a hole in his face. If Cean wasn’t so shocked, he might have flinched; it was simply amazing how much loathing emitted from those two black-colored orbs.
Cean stared in amazement at the hate-filled eyes; how in the world could a person he had never met before hate dislike so much? How could any sentient soul hold as much revulsion as this merman’s eyes suggested? Marnax’s eyes narrowed and his still-frowning mouth said, “You’re doing it again.” Now that Cean was paying attention to the voice he could hear the fury, barely hidden, that infected the merman’s tone. Immediately adrenaline coursed through Cean’s body, snapping him out of his absorption. But before Cean could stutter a response, Carla spoke with what sounded like amusement, “Come on Marnax, it’s his first time. If you remember, I did the same thing.” When Cean turned to look at her she was grinning at him, an astounding distinction to the hateful fury that had just washed over Cean and nearly drowned him. Cean tried to concentrate on her face and not think about the things he had just seen, tail or eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll get the rest of it out ASAP.

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Last edited by dunsparce on Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:14 am, edited 2 times in total.



Fri Dec 21, 2007 7:08 am
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Oh crap, forgot to post XD. Chapter 4.2 is kind of rough, sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, Cean managed to gather up his conscious, and surprise and adrenaline all but ceased to coarse through his body. So he was finally able to reply, “So…So this merman is your proof?” Despite the obvious shaking in his voice Cean tried hard to keep it calm. Carla—still smiling—replied, “Yes he is Cean. And judging from your expression I take it that it is proof enough?”
Cean thought about that for a second—one tick of the clock—before nodding. There was no doubt in his mind that the tail was real, mostly because—well—it was so realistic. No make-up artist could make a tail or green skin that real looking. And even if they could, there would be amusement in the prank-merman’s eyes, not this scorching hatred.
Suddenly it all hit him, and the physical features of the merman became overshadowed in another, even more incredible, realization. “Oh God,” Cean said, shock once again in his eyes, “it’s all real.” His eyes widened as he realized what that meant; he was being hunted. Carla nodded her head cheerfully, a smile still on her lips. “Yes it is Cean, all of it.” Cean’s breath quickened. “So…There really is someone out there trying to kill me?” Cean’s eyes widened as he considered what that meant. Carla’s smile faded a bit, she nodded slowly and said, “Yes, but before we can take action on it you need to make something absolutely clear: do you believe that the Alui exist and do you accept that you must help them?” Cean thought for a while, the obvious answer would be “yes” but he wasn’t sure. He considered the latter question first. Did he belive in mermaids? He had to admit that he did, the evidence was just too good, and part of him almost wanted to believe it…Then he considered the second question, this was a bit harder because he had not thought about this part of the now-realized truths; according to her he had been now passed down an enormous responsibility. Did he want this? Cean decided it didn’t matter, he didn’t really have a choice; not only because a madman was after him but also because that if he didn’t help these people, he would never see his mother again. “Yes, I guess.” He finally replied.
Marnax grumbled, “Good, now we can go.” And he reached his hand for a red lever that suggested being throttle. “Wait!” Cean shouted, but still avoiding Marnax’s eyes “Why are we leaving?” He said this in a slightly resigned tone, if they were leaving he knew that he would have to go with them. In the corner of his eyes Cean could see Marnax rolling his eyes, “Because, silly boy, we have to get you out of here. That ‘someone’ is coming.” the scorn and fury could still be detected under the exasperation in his voice. Carla laughed, “This ‘silly boy’ is getting so many surprises it’s no wonder that he’s forgetting some things, don’t be so hard on him Marnax.” Obviously she didn’t pick up the hatred in his eyes, “But let’s go, we’ve spent enough time chatting.” Cean was suddenly gripped by fear as he realized he was about to leave everything he once knew behind, and he didn’t even get a last look. “Hold on,” he said as an excuse to go back home came to him “What about clothes and stuff? If I’m leaving for a long time I’ll need to pack something.” Marnax sighed in exasperation, “Why didn’t you tell him to pack Carla?” Carla rolled her eyes, “Because I didn’t think he would have done it. He’s just believing me now, I don’t think anyone would pack their belongings and carry them five miles to a strange house without due reason.” Marnax sighed again, “Fine, I guess we’ll have to make a quick stop by his house then.” Cean noticed that the scorn and fury was absent from his voice when he was talking to someone besides him, it was obvious that this burning hatred was reserved for just him. Carla nodded as Marnax turned back to his control panel—to Cean it looked just like a passenger airplane’s controls—then she turned to Cean and said, “Come on Cean, let’s get to the passenger dock. There are some people you might want to meet.” That’s when Cean remembered he had heard other voices from the ship. He turned and followed Carla through the adjacent door, glad to get away from Marnax.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Last edited by dunsparce on Tue Jan 01, 2008 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Dec 28, 2007 9:13 pm
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dunsparce wrote:
staring at Cean with cold black eyes.

...

simply amazing how much loathing emitted from those two brown-colored orbs.

Black or brown? :P

dunsparce wrote:
They were filled with burning, untainted, incredible hatred; hatred that Cean could almost feel burning a hole in his face. If Cean wasn’t so shocked, he might have flinched; it was simply amazing how much loathing emitted from those two brown-colored orbs.
Cean stared in amazement at the hate-filled eyes; how in the world could a person he had never met before hate him so much? How could any sentient soul hold as much hate as this merman’s eyes suggested?

It doesn't matter much as it doesn't affect the story but 'hate'/'hatred' is used maybe a bit too much in a short space of lines. I know you're just trying to get the reader to understand how much the merman hates Cean, lol, but it's possible to have the same effect and cut down a little. For example -

"They were filled with burning, untainted, incredible hatred that Cean could almost feel burning a hole in his face."
With maybe a different word instead of "burning" twice (but whatever).


dunsparce wrote:
“Oh god,” Cean said

Please would you, for your most devoted reader (lol), change the G to a capital so it's "God"?


dunsparce wrote:
Carla nodded her head cheerfully, a smile still on her lips. “Yes it is Cean, all of it.” Cean’s breath quickened. “So…There really is someone out there trying to kill me?” Cean’s eyes widened as he considered what that meant. Carla’s smile faded a bit, she nodded slowly and said, “Yes, but before we can take action on it you need to make something absolutely clear: do you believe that the Alui exist and do you accept that you must help them?”

dunsparce (but edited) wrote:
Carla nodded her head cheerfully, a smile still on her lips. “Yes it is Cean, all of it.”
Cean’s breath quickened. “So…There really is someone out there trying to kill me?” Cean’s eyes widened as he considered what that meant.
Carla’s smile faded a bit, she nodded slowly and said, “Yes, but before we can take action on it you need to make something absolutely clear: do you believe that the Alui exist and do you accept that you must help them?”


I think you gave up on separating speech ;).

dunsparce (but edited) wrote:
Marnax grumbled, “Good, now we can go.” And he reached his hand for a red lever that suggested being throttle.
“Wait!” Cean shouted, but still avoiding Marnax’s eyes, “Why are we leaving?” He said this in a slightly resigned tone, if they were leaving he knew that he would have to go with them.
In the corner of his eyes Cean could see Marnax rolling his eyes, “Because, silly boy, we have to get you out of here. That ‘someone’ is coming” the scorn and fury could still be detected under the exasperation in his voice.
Carla laughed, “This ‘silly boy’ is getting so many surprises it’s no wonder that he’s forgetting some things, don’t be so hard on him Marnax.” Obviously she didn’t pick up the hatred in his eyes, “But let’s go, we’ve spent enough time chatting.”
Cean was suddenly gripped by fear as he realized he was about to leave everything he once knew behind, and he didn’t even get a last look. “Hold on,” he said as an excuse to go back home came to him, “What about clothes and stuff? If I’m leaving for a long time I’ll need to pack something.”
Marnax sighed in exasperation, “Why didn’t you tell him to pack Carla?”
Carla rolled her eyes, “Because I didn’t think he would have done it. He’s just believing me now, I don’t think anyone would pack their belongings and carry them five miles to a strange house without due reason.”
Marnax sighed again, “Fine, I guess we’ll have to make a quick stop by his house then.”
Cean noticed that the scorn and fury was absent from his voice when he was talking to someone besides him, it was obvious that this burning hatred was reserved for just him.
Carla nodded as Marnax turned back to his control panel—to Cean it looked just like a passenger airplane’s controls—then she turned to Cean and said, “Come on Cean, let’s get to the passenger dock. There are some people you might want to meet.”


Great work; still managing to keep me interested and the story is still developing. I hate it when they go nowhere after a while.

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Tue Jan 01, 2008 5:32 pm
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Thanks CharmedJoey, fixed :wink: .

P.S. Your kind of my only reader XD, ghett0 only posted once so he doesn't really count.

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Tue Jan 01, 2008 7:18 pm
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Lol, aw, I'm not because it doesn't just say 2 people have looked at this. I think other people are just too lazy to comment.

By the way, are you changing the title of the subject to go with each chapter? If so, please tell me how?

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Tue Jan 01, 2008 7:51 pm
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Your title lured me in like a bait....

No, I did not actually read out every single words and part of the story, my eyes are tired....

But from the scanning of the story,
it seems to be a science fiction/ fantasy fiction type of mix story.

I also do see a lot of foreshadowing....

keep it up.

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Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:56 am
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It's weird how you posted that right when I was about to start writing it again, Kacho. So my title workes then? Wonderful.

I have finished chapter four, enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 4.3

Cean followed Carla through the door and down the hallway, thinking about what he had just discovered; but most of that was “Mermaids! Oh my God. Mermaids.” So to call it thinking is probably the wrong term.
When they reached the end of the corridor they walked into a room that seemed like a hot tub room at a spa. Only instead of old, fat millionaires with topless ladies there was a bunch of what looked like teenagers lounging around; one of them was even sleeping, with his head resting against the edge by Cean’s foot.

“Hey, wake up!” Carla had apparently noticed the sleeping one too and had bended over to shout in his hear. He woke up with a start and slipped down the curved wall of the “hot tub” so that he was resting on his back his head and his head was under water. Only then, with it sticking up in the air, did Cean notice the kelp-green tail at the end of this teenager’s body; and the similar tails attached to the others in the room. These other laughed boisterously, as did Carla; Cean just tried to fight the wave of shock.

You’ve already seen this, just get over it Cean.” Cean occasionally thought in the second person, a product of watching too many cheesy horror movies.

When Carla had finished with her mirth she said, “Everyone this is Cean, his full name is Cean Ness.” The laughter immediately ceased and the all looked at Cean curiously. “Cean, this is Narin” She pointed to the sleepy one, “Prader” the only one with a blue tail and blue skin, “Yamesh” the one who still had a smile on his lips and the blackest tail Cean had seen yet “Rinifin” The one with a light green tail “and John.” Cean raised his eyebrows at such an ordinary name, and looked to the green-blue tailed one with green skin and the same blackish hair that they all had alike with Marnax.

The one called Yamesh laughed again, “Yeah, John’s a weird name for an Alui, but his mother always liked how the humans had a disciple who played with water.”

John smiled and said, “Hello Cean. So, did you just find out about the Alui or had old man Ness already filled you in?”

Cean managed to answer, “No I just found out but why is there a hot tub in a ship?”

They all laughed again and Carla explained, “It’s not a hot tub, it’s a pool of sea water. Although Alui can survive on land they are much more comfortable in the water.”

“Oh”

A silence hung in the air, but it only seemed uncomfortable to Cean. Prader broke it, “So come have a seat Cean” He gestured to two seats on the left side of the pool. Cean nodded hesitantly, walked over, and sat; Carla did the same. Again the silence.

“So you guys knew my father?” Cean said to again break the silence.

“Well I, John, Narin and Yamesh did. But Rinfin’s knew so he never met him.” Prader answered.

“New, new to what?” Cean said.

This time it was Narin who answered, “New to the external guard, we’re the ones who work to make sure that the Alui remain secret. As the minder you are an honorary member. But of course,” Narin paused for a second, “the external guard also exists to protect the minder, which is why we’re here now.”

Cean wrinkled he brow in puzzlement, “Minder?”

“That’s the term for the ‘helper’ I told you about.” Carla answered.

“Oh” Again, he was reminded that he had a duty to a strange race, and that someone was chasing him.

“Ok we’re here!” Marnax’s voice came from nowhere. “Get out and get your stuff quickly boy or we…” Suddenly there was a pause. “Oh crap.” Immediately the five mermaids stiffened and the casual atmosphere around them evaporated. “Ok, boy” Marnax’s voice came again from the hidden speakers “You’ll need to go fast because he’s found you. Just grab your clothes and noth…”

“Cut it out Marnax!” Prader shouted at the ceiling “You know there’s no way we’re sending him out there! Narin and I will go.” He gestured with his head for Narin to get up and he did so himself.

“…Fine, but hurry, he’s got missiles.” Cean sat frozen in his seat, missiles? Out of the corner of his eye he saw Prader and Narin get out of the pool and crawl on their arms toward what looked like a metal tube. The slithered in them and pressed a button, immediately the tube constricted around their tails and the air around it shimmered. Then, suddenly, the two mermen where standing on jeaned legs. “If you’re going then go! Ten minutes till impact!” Marnax’s voice resonated through the room again and Prader and Narin ran off, faster than any human Cean had ever seen; everything was quite.

Then Cean found his voice, “Carla?” he said.

“Yes Cean?”

“What’s goin on?”

Carla’s mouth was grimmer than Cean had ever seen it as she answered. “Apollinaris only found out Brian Ness had a son a week ago, we had no idea he’d be able to find you this fast.” Cean’s eyes widened, the insane murderer had found him. Not good.

“An…And the missiles?”

Carla nodded as if in agreement with something, “Yes, he wants to do the job thoroughly. No doubt he has a contact in the fire department that can label it a gas explosion.” The Carla raised her voice, “How much time until impact Marnax?!”

“Two minutes, those idiots better hurry up.” Came the reply. Cean rested his head on the wall behind him and tried to loosen his muscles. And he tried also not to think. “One minute” came Marnax’s anxious voice. “They’d better hurry up. 30 seconds, 29, 28…”

Twenty seconds later came the relived cry, “There they are!” Cean assumed that he must be looking through some sort of camera. “Da** it they better run! Five, four, three…” Just then boisterous laughter fizzed in the speakers.

“Stop the countdown you prick, we got the loo…”

Immediately he was cut off as Marnax shouted, “SHUT THE DOOR YO…” A faint hissing sound came from over head, and then, a boom, shattering Cean’s concentration on not thinking. A heat wave traveled down the corridor and into the pool room, Cean winced, it was like standing nest to a bonfire. Carla jumped up.

“Oh…” She didn’t finish the thought and instead ran down the corridor. Cean then noticed that the mermen in the room were breathing heavily and were all collapsed like they had been punched in the face.

“Hey” Cean asked, “Are you guys ok?”

Still breathing heavily John said, “We’re…Fine. Check…Narin…And Prader. Heat…Bad…For us.” Cean nodded and sprinted after Carla.

When he came to the control room he saw Marnax, Prader and Narin laid side to side. Carla had a hose and was spraying them. Narin had burns all over his body. All were breathing heavily and had their eyes closed. “What happened?” Cean wondered aloud.

Carla answered, “Alui are beings of the water, they grow up in the deepest coldest part of the ocean. Any heat is very bad for them.” Then Carla turned off the water and ran over to Narin, Marnax and Prader were waking up. “Can you hear me Narin?” Carla said in a loud voice.

Still breathing heavily Prader sat up and spoke, “He came in behind me…He didn’t close the door all the way and the heat hit him strait on…Marnax and I were by the controls so we were fine but Narin…” He gestured to his burned form in place of completing the thought.

Marnax also sat up and muttered, “Idiots” under his breath before climbing back into his chair and resting with his head on the seat's back.

Carla was still trying to get a response from Narin, “Come on Narin, nod if you can hear me.” She said it in a concerned, motherly voice; something that Cean had only ever heard from his mother when he was two. Narin nodded and Carla breathed a sigh of relief. Cean, now certain that no one was going to die walked over to the door and looked back at his home. Although most of it was obscured by the sand dunes, the tongue of fire leaped high. Cean watched as the roof collapsed in an explosion of sparks, not even sure of his own feelings. “They weren’t strong missiles,” Carla had come to stand beside him. “They were designed to burn, not explode.” Cean made not reply as he watched the flames lower. “I’m sorry Cean.”

Cean still said nothing as he watched his old life burn.

END OF CHAPTER 4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:11 am
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I have no idea why, but I thought I saw some mistakes. Someone that is more confident in grammar should confirm my thoughts.

It's weird how you posted that right when I was about to start writing it again, Kacho. So my title workes then? Wonderful.
Works.
Letter "k" is so far from "e" in the keyboard, there is no way I will blame typo for this one.
(I believe that is the origin of "Pwned", as it should be "owned".)

“Hey, wake up!” Carla had apparently noticed the sleeping one too and had bended over to shout in his hear. He woke up with a start and slipped down the curved wall of the “hot tub” so that he was resting on his back his head and his head was under water.
You must be sleepy when you typed this! I think you meant
"...so that he was resting on his back while his back was under water." ?
I am unsure.. but quite descriptive here.


The one called Yamesh laughed again, “Yeah, John’s a weird name for an Alui, but his mother always liked how the humans had a disciple who played with water.”
Ah, the allusion. :D The Atlantis allusion could also be foreshadowing. This is already satisfying to see it in 4.3.


Cean managed to answer, “No I just found out but why is there a hot tub in a ship?”
I believe there is like 5-8 ways to phrase this statement depending on the emphasis you want to express.

They all laughed again and Carla explained, “It’s not a hot tub, it’s a pool of sea water. Although Alui can survive on land, they are much more comfortable in the water.”

“Well I, John, Narin and Yamesh did. But Rinfin’s knew so he never met him.” Prader answered.
New. I believe this is homonyms error.

Cean wrinkled he brow in puzzlement, “Minder?”
...wrinkled his brow...

“Ok we’re here!” Marnax’s voice came from nowhere. “Get out and get your stuff quickly, boy, or we…” Suddenly there was a pause. “Oh crap.” Immediately the five mermaids stiffened and the casual atmosphere around them evaporated. “Ok, boy,” Marnax’s voice came again from the hidden speakers, “You’ll need to go fast because he’s found you. Just grab your clothes and noth…”
Alright, I never write long paragraph of interrupted quotations. But the first line is suggestion, becasue I don't believe that be the way to write it. Although it does sounds a little bit odd for me.


“Cut it out Marnax!” Prader shouted at the ceiling, “You know there’s no way we’re sending him out there! Narin and I will go.” He gestured with his head for Narin to get up and he did so himself.


also works if you put "...as he did so himself."

The slithered in them and pressed a button, immediately the tube constricted around their tails, and the air around it shimmered. Then, suddenly, the two mermen where standing on jeaned legs. “If you’re going, then go! Ten minutes till impact!” Marnax’s voice resonated through the room again, and Prader and Narin ran off, faster than any human Cean had ever seen; everything was quite.
The?... I think it is they?
the air is irrelevent to the tube, even though it is the effect, put comma there.
were, not where
usually in "if- then" sttement a comma comes before then
Marnax's voice thing is one sentence. After that, Prader and Narin do their thing. compound sentence with a compound noun could be confusing.
quiet?

“What’s goin on?”
going. the g in your keyboard must be very hard to press. Press harder! (Just kidding, I am being light.)

Carla’s mouth was grimmer than Cean had ever seen it as she answered,
run-on sentence i believe.
If I were the one writing it, I would put it....
"Carla's mouth opened as she answered, it was grimmer than Cean had ever seen."

Carla nodded as if in agreement with something,
I actually wonder if that something is him, whoever was speaking before that.
(I am sorry that I am captivated into editing.)

Cean rested his head on the wall behind him and tried to loosen his muscles. And he tried also not to think. “One minute,” came Marnax’s anxious voice. “They’d better hurry up. 30 seconds, 29, 28…”
you can try:
"behind him, tried to loosen his muscles, and not to think (about the pressure or tension, perhaps?)"
Don;t start a sentence with numbers. spell it out. Thirty seconds...

Immediately he was cut off as Marnax shouted, “SHUT THE DOOR YO…” A faint hissing sound came from over head, and then, a boom, shattering Cean’s concentration on not thinking. A heat wave traveled down the corridor and into the pool room, Cean winced, it was like standing nest to a bonfire.
not thinking? this id oddly termed. I tried dictionary.com ... inattention may fit in.
", Cean winced," three ways for this.
", Cean winced." if you want me to know that he winced in response to the heat wave.
".Cean winced." if I should know that it may not have to do with the fire. (But in context of parapgrah, yes.)
".Cean winced," now I compare the wince to like standing next to a bonfire.

“Hey,” Cean asked, “Are you guys ok?”

Still breathing heavily John said, “We’re…Fine. Check…Narin…And Prader. Heat…Bad…For us.”
Some people like dashes instead of ellipses, I believe. (They both look similar to me, but maybe dashes mean you still have the breathe to say it... I don't know.)

When he came to the control room he saw Marnax, Prader, and Narin laid side to side. Carla had a hose and was spraying them. Narin had burns all over his body. All were breathing heavily and had their eyes closed. “What happened?” Cean wondered aloud.
Likely that Prader and Narin are separate things, but I do want to ask you that. the differences of commas are quite obnoxious.
it seems more like "questioned aloud in astonishment" or "...questioned aloud in surprise" or similar of those
Hey, good job that you got the right "aloud". Some people had "allowed" when it is supposed to be "aloud".

Carla answered, “Alui are beings of the water, they grow up in the deepest, coldest part of the ocean. Any heat is very bad for them.” Then Carla turned off the water and ran over to Narin. Marnax and Prader were waking up. “Can you hear me Narin?” Carla said in a loud voice.
some adjectives do need to be separated
I don't think Narin is waking up with Marnax and Prader
Now this time. Marnax and Prader were both waking up, so yes, no coma in there

Still breathing heavily Prader sat up and spoke, “He came in behind me…He didn’t close the door all the way and the heat hit him strait on…Marnax and I were by the controls so we were fine but Narin…” He gestured to his [color=#00FFBF]burned form in place of completing the thought. [/color]
straight
"... to his burn, completing and forming place of the thought."
"... to his burn, forming in place and completing the thought."

Marnax also sat up and muttered, “Idiots” under his breath before climbing back into his chair and resting with his head on the seat's back.
This is odd. I keep thinking it is...
"...muttered--"Idiots ! or ." -- under his breathe..."


Carla was still trying to get a response from Narin. “Come on Narin, nod if you can hear me,” She said it in a concerned, motherly voice; something that Cean had only ever heard from his mother when he was two.

Cean made not areply as he watched the flames lower. “I’m sorry, Cean.”
I don't like it either, but there seems to be a comma before every name IF the name ends the sentence


Forgive me. Few of it were suggestions. I like the plot progress. If I ever write in this forum, note me of my mistakes. X_X
This is probably the one story I ACTUALLY pay attention to at the moment.
(I get lazy in reading fanfics.)


Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:16 pm
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