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 GQ's (lol emo) Poetry 
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Yes, poetry. I've never really done any poetry (that didn't suck), but I wrote this recently, and I was wondering what y'all think of it.

The Sky Ironclad

The first rays of sunlight; they shine on cold steel.
In a pit, fresh from creation, it lays dormant.
Like a baby in the womb, blind to the world,
A shapeless form of metal and glass.

People crawl over the mess like ants,
Chaotic, yet purposeful.
Today is the day of birth.
Today, the dreams of men will be realised.

It is midday. Tension in the air, yet no sound.
One silent nod of the head signals the start.
From silence comes din,
But birth was never pleasant, nor quiet.

For a moment, nothing.
Then, juddering, mechanical groans:
The pains of labour,
And from the sound of it, a bad one.

Slowly, the hulk begins to rise
Higher and higher towards the sun.
The jarring of propellers
Drowned in a sea of cheering.

The newborn, taking its first glances of the world,
To which it was brought into for one sole purpose:
Lining the sides of the hull,
Cancerous growths, filled with the machines of war.

The soldiers christen it the Sky Ironclad.
It has been baptised in fire and blood,
And so it will die, over a foreign land.
But it has many kin. It will not be the last.

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Last edited by goldenquagsire on Sat Nov 03, 2007 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Oct 02, 2007 10:20 am
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Damn nice GQ! I also write a bit of poetry in my sparetime, perhaps we should have a poetry thread...?

I love the first line, it really sets the mood of the poem. Sunlight shining on metal...nice image. And I'm assuming it is some kind of (fighter?) plane, made for war?

Overall, I really liked it, kudos to you. I'm getting the itch to write poetry now...:P

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Tue Oct 02, 2007 12:29 pm
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Well, it's not quite a fighter plane. I was intending it to be an airship, and not in the sense of those weedy helium blimps that exist in real life - I'm talking giant, FLYING versions of these.

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Tue Oct 02, 2007 12:35 pm
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Actually, yeah, that makes more sense now. I should really have guessed, what with your obsession with Airships and all. :P

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Tue Oct 02, 2007 12:40 pm
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Masterfully done! I only regret I hadn't seen this earlier. It's one poetic way to describe an airplane, that's for sure! Good going!

- DNA

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Tue Oct 02, 2007 8:04 pm
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did you get the poetry virus too?

OR DID YOU JUST STEAL MY IDEAS.

jesus christ what happened to the lol smilie

OK THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD but i kept imagining real babies.

I HATE TODDLERS THANKS :(


Tue Oct 02, 2007 8:19 pm
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Valentine wrote:
OK THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD but i kept imagining real babies.

I HATE TODDLERS THANKS :(

Same. :(





Good job though. :D

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Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:15 am
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It's great how it is, but if you made it rhyme, it would be AWESOME!!!! :shock: :wink: It made me think of a metal being used to make something, and for some reason a rooster in the morning waking everybody up, the clock making loud noise at twelve 'o clock, along with the roar of a factory turning the metal and heating it up, to make a ship to fly on. :shock: WOW :shock: that was way longer than i thought i would make it!

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Thu Oct 11, 2007 10:29 pm
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Valentine wrote:
did you get the poetry virus too?

OR DID YOU JUST STEAL MY IDEAS.

jesus christ what happened to the lol smilie

OK THIS WAS PRETTY GOOD but i kept imagining real babies.

I HATE TODDLERS THANKS :(

gtfo my internet

Anyways, I thought it was pretty cool, Gold. Good job. :)

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Thu Oct 11, 2007 10:54 pm
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conewicci wrote:
It's great how it is, but if you made it rhyme, it would be AWESOME!!!!

I learnt some important lessons from my previous poetry: NEVER MAKE IT RHYME UNLESS YOU HAVE A DAMNED GOOD REASON TO.

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 10:36 am
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but teh peoms r spost 2 rime.


^lol

I think we should have a poetry thread. Perhaps if you changed the title, GQ, we could all submit our poetry in this thread, and people could rate it? And maybe it could get stickied?! Or am I just babbling, and none of this will get done or taken into consideration? :P

But yeah, I only ever rhyme if I need to.

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 11:35 am
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Naw, I don't know that many people here who poet (verb form of poetry?), 'sides, this is the Fan Writings forum so it doesn't need a sticky for fan writings.

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 1:59 pm
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Ooh, another one. Wrote this while I was in Spain... I get the feeling it's not that great. But hey, I wouldn't improve if no-one told me what my faults were!

Symphony of War

Dawn skies, bathed in the morningstar’s glow;
Angels’ tears bless the new day.
They will soon be stained crimson,
And cleansed in hellfire.

High above the clouds, where neither bird nor wyrm flies
Two armadas ready themselves for zero hour.
A chorus of silent prayers,
But not every one will be fulfilled.

After the quiet comes the din:
“The enemy has been sighted!
Call to arms, man the guns!”
The overture to war.

Metal meets flesh and gives birth to flames.
Grapeshot, cannonfire and clashing sabres:
The percussion are in full swing,
Their performance is deafening.

The men stand fast; they will not fail.
They have rehearsed this day,
And they’ll not go down without a fight.
“For King and Country!”

As the flagship sinks to earth,
A crescendo rips the hull.
From its wounds pour the lifeblood of men.
Its death rattle pierces the very heart.

Come dusk, the battle is over.
For some, the curtain-fall.
For others, the encore.
The audience waits with bated breath.


Yup, more airship-obsession. Anyone who's played Final Fantasy XII will have a vague idea as to what the poem's about.

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Sun Oct 28, 2007 1:35 pm
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Wow, that's brilliant GQ. I love how you tied the themes of war together with musical ideas. It was once a homework I had to do for English, but I couldn't do it and ended up writing something completely different.

The first stanza's reference to 'Morningstar:' Is it an ingame thing of FF, or is it a genuine reference to the Devil?

I loved the ending too. Sort of leads on the suspense even after the poem has ended. Good job, *holds up a score card of 10*

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Thu Nov 01, 2007 1:12 am
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Thanks! When I was writing the poem, I don't think I really knew what a morningstar actually was; I intended it to be a poetic description of the Sun. I looked it up just now, and Venus is also called the Morning Star, so I guess it could be that as well. It's up to you what you want it to mean, but the Devil idea is quite interesting. Lucifer Morningstar... he's also one of the characters in the Sandman graphic novels. Great guy. :p

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Thu Nov 01, 2007 9:49 am
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This is my entry for the school poetry competition under the themeof "America".

The Street Sweeper

I’m no cop,
No fireman nor soldier.
But I’m just like them,
I walk the beat.

With my humble broom,
My hat and my scarf
And my bright orange coat
I keep the peace of New York City.

I’ve seen men coming home,
From all corners of the world.
A smile on their face,
And a bagel in their hand.

I’ve been here many a year;
When we beat the Japs:
Parties in the street.
Dancing in the night.

Korea, ‘Nam, Iraq I and II:
No parties this time.
Just curses and stones.
“Baby-killers! Murderers!”

I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.

You hear them all the time;
The politicos in Washington,
Talking about the “Threat to World Peace”
What does it matter to me?

I’m no cop,
No fireman nor soldier.
But I’m just like them,
I walk the beat.

With my humble broom,
My hat and my scarf
And my bright orange coat
I keep the peace of New York City.

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Sat Nov 03, 2007 4:05 pm
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EXCUS ME BUT WHY DIDNT YOU TALK TO ME WHEN YOU WERE ON

actually i was watching pokemon but STILL

also i love that poem :D

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Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:09 pm
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goldenquagsire wrote:
This is my entry for the school poetry competition under the themeof "America".

You hear them all the time;
The politicos in Washington


How random to have an American themed poetry competition in the U.K.
What's a politico?

Anyway, if I'm honest, I didn't like your first poem because I didn't have a clue what it was about until I read it below the poem. But I like how descriptive you are in your poems and how meaningful you seem, especially about an Air Ship. I did enjoy your most recent poem, although that would have to be an old Street Sweeper, lol.

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Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:56 pm
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I love all three. The first was contained vivid description without ruining the rythem. The second was good in the way that it combined the chaos of war with the elegance of poetry. In that last one, I didn't realize he was a war veteran until you mentioned various wars. CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!

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Sat Nov 03, 2007 6:46 pm
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Thunder_dude7 wrote:
I love all three. The first was contained vivid description without ruining the rythem. The second was good in the way that it combined the chaos of war with the elegance of poetry. In that last one, I didn't realize he was a war veteran until you mentioned various wars. CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!


Uh, GQ is a Brit. Just because we don't live in America doesn't mean that we're too ignorant not to learn about it. :P

And I really liked your last poem, GQ. This stanza was just ZOMGish good:

Quote:
I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.


Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

But classy, I liked it. ;)

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Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:02 am
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Thunder_dude7 wrote:
I love all three. The first was contained vivid description without ruining the rythem. The second was good in the way that it combined the chaos of war with the elegance of poetry. In that last one, I didn't realize he was a war veteran until you mentioned various wars. CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!


Uh, GQ is a Brit. Just because we don't live in America doesn't mean that we're too ignorant not to learn about it. :P

And I really liked your last poem, GQ. This stanza was just ZOMGish good:

Quote:
I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.


Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

But classy, I liked it. ;)

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Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:03 am
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Valentine wrote:
EXCUS ME BUT WHY DIDNT YOU TALK TO ME WHEN YOU WERE ON

WHEN WAS THAT? I SWEAR I WAS TALKING TO YOU THE LAST TIME I WAS ON.

CharmedJoey wrote:
How random to have an American themed poetry competition in the U.K.

Not really. It's a bit more inspired than something like "write a poem about your cat".

CharmedJoey wrote:
What's a politico?

Someone involved in politics - a politician, if you will.

CharmedJoey wrote:
Anyway, if I'm honest, I didn't like your first poem because I didn't have a clue what it was about until I read it below the poem.

Heh, I don't blame you. I'm not a huge fan of gasbag airships, so I was going for a completely different type that doesn't and can't exist in real life.

CharmedJoey wrote:
I did enjoy your most recent poem, although that would have to be an old Street Sweeper, lol.

Maybe I did overrexaggerate the age a bit... well, who says 70 year olds can't work? :P

Obs wrote:
Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

If I posted the alternative poem I wrote for the subject of "America", I would honestly get lynched. :P

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Last edited by goldenquagsire on Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:16 am, edited 1 time in total.



Sun Nov 04, 2007 12:41 am
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goldenquagsire wrote:

CharmedJoey wrote:
Sort of conveys the importance of the man, and how that act has changed America. What I like about that though is the fact that it isn't too controversial, which I would have found difficult.

If I posted the alternative poem I wrote for the subject of "America", I would honestly get lynched. :P


>:O <s>CharmedJoey</s> Obsidian!

:P

Anyway, post it! It'd give us all a laugh, controversy or not. :P

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Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:10 am
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I checked my comp, and it ain't there. I wrote it on the laptop in Spain.

Good thing it ain't here either.

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Sun Nov 04, 2007 3:17 am
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The Obsidian Wolf wrote:

And I really liked your last poem, GQ. This stanza was just ZOMGish good:

Quote:
I was here when the Towers went up,
And when they fell down again.
In the dust and debris,
A new America was born.



I like that verse too, probably my favourite in the poem.
And lol at

Thunder_dude7 wrote:
CharmedJoey, I'm pretty sure he isn't from the UK if the theme is America. Good luck in the competition!


- I wouldn't just presume someone was from the U.K. but for one, it says in GQ's profile that they are and I read that they were from London in another post, (I think).

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Sun Nov 04, 2007 5:18 am
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