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 Harry and the Blue Torterra: A Short Story by DrifloonBreeda 
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PROBATION
PROBATION

Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:30 am
Posts: 36
Location: Underwater with the Wailords.
All Pokes in this story have 100HP OK???
Harry and his Heracross were walking through the Eterna Forest when he was challenged by a man in a suit.
"Hey. You will battle me and fail. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" he laughed.
"You... should be in a loony bin mate." replied Harry
HARRY vs. STUPID MAN IN A SUIT WHO SAYS YOU WILL BATTLE ME AND FAIL
Harry sent out Heracross!
SMIASWSYWBMAF sent out Salamence!
Heracross used Brick Break!
Salamence: 92/100 - It's not very effective...
Salamence flew up high!
Heracross used Megahorn!
Heracross' attack missed!
Salamence used Fly!
Heracross: 0/100 - It's x4 damage!!! (Bug and Fighting are both weak 2 flying)
Heracross fainted!
Harry sent out Glalie!
Salamence used Crunch!
Glalie: 73/100
Glalie used Ice Beam!
Salamence: 16/100 - It's x4 damage!!!
Salamence flew up high (typical...)
Glalie used Crunch!
Glalie's attack missed!
Salamence used Fly!
Glalie: 41/100
Glalie used Ice Beam!
Salamence: 0/100 - it's x4 damage!!!
Salamence fainted!
Bloke sent out Lanturn!
Glalie used Crunch!
Lanturn: 62/100
Lanturn used Thunder!
Glalie: 2/100
Glalie used Ice Fang!
Lanturn: 54/100 - it's not very effective...
Lanturn used Surf!
Glalie: 0/100
Glalie fainted!
"You've done it now!!!" shouted Harry.
Harry sent out Torterra!
Torterra turned blue.
"Wait. Wait. Stop the battle! Torterra.... Turned..... Blue? Why?" Harry exclaimed. Torterra spoke.
"I turned blue because you haven't used me in ages and I just wanted to turn blue, so I did and I gained the power of speech. So you gonna use me or what?" Torterra said.
"Continue battle." Harry remarked.
Torterra used Blue Power!!!
Torterra is charging energy!
Lanturn used Thunder!
It doesn't affect Torterra...
Torterra used BlueCharge!
Lanturn: 0/100 - It's bluely effective!
Lanturn fainted!
Bloke's pokemon all got BlueRus and fainted!
Harry won!
"We hope you enjoyed the short story!!!" exclaimed Harry, the Bloke, Torterra and all the people in this story!


Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:22 am
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Ace Trainer
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 382
Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
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Oh, bravo. Another n00b in the writing forum. Well, you don't care. So, here's a bit of advice for yeh.

LEAVE

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Mon Oct 08, 2007 2:03 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
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I have nothing nice to say about this. You clearly need to read more, that does not include comics, if you think this is anywhere near good.

No character depth or development. Your story jumps around. I may hate action scenes, but my god you can't even be bothered to try to write a decent one? By the way, no one cares what level they are. In case you failed to notice, the levels are for the games because it's easier to determine when moves are learned by the programmers; in the show they (the cast) don't know their Pokemon's level and the moves are learned just as well.

Anyway, there's no description. You need to double space between paragraphs. Your dialogue is horrible. For the love of anything considered holy, don't ever reference the games again.

Stop using exclamation points! There are better ways to emphasize things!! And they get annoying to read after a while!!! Not to mention, there shouldn't be more than one!!!!

And no; Harry, the Bloke, Torterra, and the rest of the cast I did not in any way shape or form enjoy this story. I sincerely hope everyone else uses their heads and realizes there's nothing good about this. Please by all means post a story, a decent one. We have no interest in n00bs.

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Mon Oct 08, 2007 4:14 pm
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PROBATION
PROBATION

Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:30 am
Posts: 36
Location: Underwater with the Wailords.
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.... Thanks for nothing.


Fri Oct 12, 2007 12:50 pm
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Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 382
Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
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Dear God. Somebody lock this!

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:16 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
To you we may be wrong and over reacting, but there's a good reason for this. You see, we've had so many users come to the forum for the sake of raising their post count that now we see any atrocious story as that. That and I don't think a fair amount of us could stand it if we were to get another horrible story become incredibly popular like "The Adventures of Mudkip."

If we are wrong in grouping you with those n00bs that we despise, I apologize. If you're here honestly because you want to share your writing an not just raise your post count then by all means post another story. Read some of the stories here, the stickies, books, or just ask someone and we'll be happy to help you improve. Like I said, we have no interest in n00bs. We're not mean unnecessarily, we just know how to keep the n00bs away. <3

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Fri Oct 12, 2007 5:33 pm
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PROBATION
PROBATION

Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2007 10:30 am
Posts: 36
Location: Underwater with the Wailords.
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Yep. I'm writing a new story...


Sun Oct 14, 2007 10:30 am
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Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 11:04 am
Posts: 1320
Location: Sky Tower
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There's lots to improve here. Try not to use in-game battle dialogues on your fiction.

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Mon Oct 15, 2007 9:44 am
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