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 The Begining of Pokemon- an Epic. 11+ 
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Fails at life
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I was blank. It was headed straight for me. A metiorite. I couldn't outrun it. Then a cry rang out,
"Bulbaaaa, SAUR!" and two vines knocked me out of the way. I was alive. Then the meatiorite struck with a force and made a crater as big as Hoenn and Shinou together. Another cry rang out.
"Steelix!" and the huge rock smashed open. These strange creatures came out, looking dazed. The truth was, I was to. How could there be creatures like this?There powers could destroy the world! I remembered a visit to the museum once. There were these fossils, that resembled some of these creatures.Yet, why did they come back from space....?


Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:30 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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I may be looking to deeply into this, but if you were knocked out of the way with a metor heading straight for you, and the crater it created was as big as Hoenn and Sinnoh combined, shouldn't the person have been crushed?

Other than that i'd say 6.5/10, mainly because it was hard to tell what was happening.


Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:36 pm
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Sentinel for 1 its fiction but id have to agree with sentinel. other than that nice tale if it can be called that. :wink:


Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:34 pm
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psyched369 wrote:
Sentinel for 1 its fiction but id have to agree with sentinel. other than that nice tale if it can be called that. :wink:


Fiction doesn't mean that someone wouldn't die in a meteor strike that convered two giant continents, it means it's made up and isn't based from something that exists.

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Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:53 pm
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psyched369 wrote:
Sentinel for 1 its fiction but id have to agree with sentinel. other than that nice tale if it can be called that. :wink:

Psyched for one thing it may be fiction but it still has to make sense. Two, I'm happy you agree with Sentinel.

Treecko, I'm going to start to be harder on you now. If the main character couldn't out run the meteorite then how on earth could it being knocked out of the way save it? And, a meteorite does create a crater and has a lot of debris after it hits. Logically, a crater that big would have wiped our protagonist out, and if the impact didn't then the cloud of debris would. You used the wrong word in a few instances.

Quote:
The truth was, I was too.

Quote:
Their powers could destroy the world!

And the last line is just written akwardly. The 'yet' is unnecessary and makes it wordy; I know you're trying to make it more dramatic, but it's not helping.

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Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:57 pm
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how is a vine whip supposed to push you over two continents in a few seconds {eevee}


Fri Jul 20, 2007 5:28 am
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Fails at life
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You're right. I should have like, killed the character. And Crimson, what made you think that I need harder critisisem?Stupid things I can't spell. Anyway, I think I've figured out my chapter.

Chapter 1: A Painful Recovery...With a Discovery.
I never quite recovered from that. Saved by one small criter.Now those creatures...where were they?
"Son, have you done the laundry?" Dad called out, a tone of accusation in his voice.
"Yes daaaaaaaad." I shouted.
"Well, read a book, TV isn't something you watch in the morning."
That was life in this house, hard, hard and harder. But what other choice did I have? But when I picked up my book, I gasped. In my The full Pokedex, #001-493 Each and every pokemon I saw in that crater had their own info box! Why hadn't I remembered this before? That meant one thing, the creatures made by Nintendo....

Were real.

***

That evening, as my mom bandaged my cut from the meteorite, we turned on the news. I had already told my family, and lucky for me, they beleved it. The newscaster reported,
"These creatures have been spotted and their meatiorite found. We are uncertain what there purpose is here and advise caution to anyone who sees one. Nintendo claims these creatures are the real version of their fictional creatures, Pokemon. Every person in Shinouh has been sent a pamphlet with all 493 creations. Milatary dispatches have been sent to the main area of where Pokemon seem to be. Now the weather...."
The family stared at each other. They knew that these creatures could be there ultimate doom, but letting the milatary loose on them, seemed creul.


Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:04 am
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I give this chapter a 7.5/10. I want to know what happened after the meteorite crashed. What did he do? To me it just seems like you skipped a chapter.

The writing was better in this one though. I see a spot at the end that has potential to be a cliffhanger but isn't.

Just my 2 cents.

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Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:13 am
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Sentinel wrote:
I give this chapter a 7.5/10. I want to know what happened after the meteorite crashed. What did he do? To me it just seems like you skipped a chapter.

The writing was better in this one though. I see a spot at the end that has potential to be a cliffhanger but isn't.

Just my 2 cents.


two things,

You are an awsome critic, have you read the Readers Guide to Reading?
Second, Thank you.


Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:16 am
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Treecko, those "Stupid things you cannot spell" are just small fries in the dish of the story, for I redo them in my mind according to your context, but since the idea is to do the right thing, you may want to pranctice zpelling in Word, for most of the times it enlights the typos and lets you correct them in one-go.

As for the story itself, it looks quite interesting to me, these fictional creatures come from space, and thus are no fiction at all... now scientists and the army will be after them... how will this story unfold?!

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Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:54 am
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Fails at life
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When I said that I meant I can't remember how to spell critisisem.


Fri Jul 20, 2007 9:47 am
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Treeckomaster wrote:
Sentinel wrote:
I give this chapter a 7.5/10. I want to know what happened after the meteorite crashed. What did he do? To me it just seems like you skipped a chapter.

The writing was better in this one though. I see a spot at the end that has potential to be a cliffhanger but isn't.

Just my 2 cents.


two things,

You are an awsome critic, have you read the Readers Guide to Reading?
Second, Thank you.


No, I haven't read the Reader's Guide to Reading.
And secondly, no problem :)

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Fri Jul 20, 2007 3:00 pm
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Chapter 2:

"There's been a breach in Lake Verity!" A man called, in his state of the art Radar Room. He didn't look at his pamphlet to look at what his problem was.

It was a Pokemon.

A heavy dispatch was sent immediately to get rid of them, killing for the good of the world. They would save their Region, and be heroes. And this is what all the P.E.U's thought, as they went to the Lake to destroy the Pokemon.

When they got there, a cry rang out.

"MAGIKARP-KARP!"

They ran to the Lake, where someone gasped. There were red fish, splashing everything. They had huge eyes, and they looked at the newcomers.

"PISTOL MEN, OUT ON FRONT!" shouted a man with a very long and slender Rifle. Evidently, he was the Leader.

There was a flurry of activity as pistol men started shooting the fish, with fear in each bullet. Truth was, everyone was scared. Even the Leader had shouted, wondering weather he'd every see his Family again.

Just then, the fish directed the Splashes at them, splashing with all their might, trying to play with these new creatures.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Everyone who was hit screamed, thinking they had been killed by a strange power these Pokemon possessed.

The Leader stepped forward, and the Magikarp stopped.

He held up his rifle, and pointed at a mother with her child. And BAM! The child's body fell into the water, dead.

The mother started to weep, and screamed, “MAGGIIIIIIIIKADOS!” As it glowed white, and grew into a huge sea serpent.

Everybody gasped. Then it charged up a huge yellow ball in its mouth, and as it was launched, and went black, they knew that these were not a force to be reckoned with.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------2 hours later, a Sharpedo was eating, and swallowed a large and slender rifle.


Sat Jul 28, 2007 3:49 pm
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Best chapter yet, but still, much better can be done. For instance; there were a couple of unneeded commas. You still arent leaving cliffhangers though. This chapter was like a small story in itself. You could've continued with P.E.U's next move and left a cliffhanger about how they were going to carry out the plan, for instance.

8.7/10 because it is easier to read, and it has a better storyline.

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Sat Aug 04, 2007 8:20 am
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I'm being harder on you to push you to improve more. Consider it a twisted form of friendly encouragement... :roll: Oh, by the way, the word is spelt 'criticsm,' for future reference.

Chapter 1:

Double space paragraphs, it's easier to read online.
Quote:
Dad called out, a tone of accusation in his voice.

I think this sentence could have been worded better. Maybe something like...
    Dad asked, the doubt clearly laced in his voice.

Quote:
But what other choice did I have? But when I picked up my book, I gasped.

Again, I think this could be worded better and combined.
    But, I didn't have a choice; after I picked up my book, The Full Pokedex: #001-493, I gasped in disbelief.

That's what I came up with, but it's just an example. The word 'full' should be capatilzed because it's part of a title.
Quote:
Each and every pokemon I saw in that crater had their own info box! Why hadn't I remembered this before? That meant one thing, the creatures made by Nintendo....

Were real.

I found several issues here. It should be 'creature' not Pokemon, because they hadn't been identified yet remember? I think the word 'realized' would be better than 'remembered' in this case. And, one last thing before my example, 'were real' is not a complete sentence and can not stand on its own the way you have it written.
    Each and every creature was in the book, I frantically flipped through the pages trying to find one I hadn't seen that night. Why didn't I realize this sooner? I reached the back cover and I slumped in my seat, disbelief filling me. The creatures made by Nintendo...were real.

The second half of the chapter is kind of dry. It's 'military' not 'milatary,' and the region is spelt 'Sinnoh.'
Quote:
They knew that these creatures could be their ultimate doom, but letting the military loose on them, seemed cruel.


Chapter 2:

Quote:
A man called, in his state of the art Radar Room. He didn't look at his pamphlet to look at what his problem was.

It was a Pokemon.

I think this could be worded better.
    A man exclaimed. The man in the state-of-the-art Radar Room failed to look at his pamphlet, if he had he would've known the breach had been made by a Pokemon...

Quote:
"PISTOL MEN, OUT ON FRONT!" shouted a man with a very long and slender Rifle. Evidently, he was the Leader.

This could've been written better. You don't have to use all caps to express shouting.
    A man shouted, "Pistol men, out in front!" His commanding presence and his long, slender rifle betrayed his position as the squad's leader.

Quote:
Even the Leader had shouted, wondering weather he'd every see his Family again.

Don't capitalize 'leader' or 'rifle,' they're not specific titles or names, the same with the word 'family.' And it's 'whether' not 'weather.'
Quote:
Just then, the fish directed the Splashes at them, splashing with all their might, trying to play with these new creatures.

I think the word 'alien' or 'foreign' would've been better then the word 'new.' Again, don't capitalize 'splashes.'
Quote:
He held up his rifle, and pointed at a mother with her child. And BAM!

This could be written better, not only that but you have a sentence fragment.
    He held up his rifle, and trained his aim towards a mother and her child. Bam, the air resounded in the rifle shot for a brief moment before a defeaning silence fell over the lake as the child's body floated on the water's surface, lifeless.

Quote:
Everybody gasped. Then it charged up a huge yellow ball in its mouth, and as it was launched, and went black, they knew that these were not a force to be reckoned with.

Again, I think this could be worded better.
    Everyone gaped at the huge Pokemon as a large orb of light formed in its mouth. As the concentrated energy released, the soldiers realized that Pokemon were not a force to be reckoned with just before everything went black.

As for the last sentence, a Sharpedo isn't large enough to eat a rifle. I think it would be more dramatic if the rifle was just floating on the surface of Lake Verity or it was sinking to the bottom.

Sentinel-a good chapter doesn't have to end in a cliff hander necessarily. The literary term for this is episodic. Some books are written like this, my old English teacher claimed The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was.

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Sat Aug 04, 2007 9:35 am
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I just like cliffhangers, because it's what makes you come back to the story.

((For me, at least.))

I agree, not every chapter has to end in a cliffhanger, but I prefer it that way.

Oh well, who cares what I think? :roll:

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Sat Aug 04, 2007 10:05 am
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Treecko cares. And I think your opinion is a valuable attribute to the forum.

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Sat Aug 04, 2007 10:07 am
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Crimson deserves a capital Ditto. Sntinel, you are a valued reader and, if you notice my sig, I need your 2 cennts, because to a writer, that's 2 million cents.


Sat Aug 04, 2007 12:50 pm
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your story keeps getting better i cant wait for chapter 3 and also i really liked how you said that the magikarp glowed white and turned into a sea serpent that got me even more interested in your story

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Tue Aug 14, 2007 1:06 pm
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PLEASE STOP ARGUING!!! Crimson is just trying to give constructive critisism! he is not trying to undermine you or make your story sound rubbish. He is trying to help you out!

Btw nice story. A bit weird but nice.


Fri Aug 31, 2007 3:13 am
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Dragon Champion wrote:
PLEASE STOP ARGUING!!! Crimson is just trying to give constructive critisism! he is not trying to undermine you or make your story sound rubbish. He is trying to help you out!

Btw nice story. A bit weird but nice.


I was just talking about the critisizem, no arguing. And Crimsons a girl.


Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:40 am
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Thank you Treecko, you'd think people would pick up on that because of the color scheme and font style in my signature and avatar...

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