It is currently Fri Aug 22, 2014 3:07 am



Reply to topic  [ 27 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
 The Great Light [chapter 2.5 and 3 added!!] 
Author Message
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Just another fanfic from me, I hope to finish this one, I think the plot has more possibilities.. comment, rate, please. Oh, BTW, it's not a one-shot, just the prologue.
The Great Light

A large light cast down onto the open field. He was there. It seemed that no-one else was. The field, decorated in daisies and wildflowers, was in the middle of a forest clearing. The trees lined it like two teams lining up for a game. He took a couple steps forward into the now burning field. When the fire encroached upon him, he ran. He ran as fast as he could, and it seemed that it couldn’t be enough, his small legs couldn’t handle this kind of running. He darted in and out with trees and bushes brushing him at every turn. He finally found her; his best friend. For he was back at the village and waiting for his best friend, a Growlithe, with her mane so fierce but so tame, with her stripes so pointy but so becoming. She dashed out as soon as he called.
“Yeah? What do you want at this hour?” She asked him, breathless.

“Well, uh, you see, that, well, uh,” He couldn’t get his thoughts out, they were all disorganized and jumbled, along with his brain. “Well, uh, I just need you to come with me!” He yelled, and afterwards he gasped, almost like he was the one that was just called over.

They ran out of their small village and headed towards the Great Light. This time he ran at a more leisurely pace, careful to not get any vines or twigs stuck in his large tail. Suddenly, as he was perched on a high rock, and she was below a shrub; it happened. The great light expanded, shooting out in all directions.

All his memories flashed before his eyes. Going to the big city, seeing his best friend for the first time, good, loving memories flashed before; just the way that he wanted to go out.

“Get down!” He said, well, to himself, she was already under a shrub.
He hopped off the rock and under the same shrub. The light expanded and engulfed them. Everything around them was white. Then, it was gone. The apocalypse, probably, they ventured out from under the shrub to see the damage.

_________________
Image
afk


Last edited by poplers on Mon Jul 30, 2007 8:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Jul 20, 2007 5:56 am
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
Hmm... I can't really critisize a Proluge.


Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:35 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Why not..?

_________________
Image
afk


Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:36 am
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
Trust me, a Proluge opens the story, not tell it. But so far, you're holding me in suspense. I'd say a bit more discription of the chachter couldn't hurt, yet don't give them away. Rating wise, 710.


Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:07 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:12 am
Posts: 510
Location: Where you MOST expect it.
Post 
This prologue was one good work of yours, poplers.

Not only did it tell no major thing about what could even come next in the plot, but it also it is very well written.

I shall not rate you for now, but let´s see how the story comes up.

_________________
AABM's

Image

"Team Seekers"

"I'm perhaps the least typical Ledian user you'll ever get to see in the whole OU" - AABM.


· Say, Orange looks better than gray, doesn't it?


Fri Jul 20, 2007 8:28 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Thanks very much AABM! Thats what I was trying to do, not tell anything about the main plot, but still keep the reader engaged and wanting more. Thanks again to all the other comments, chapter 1 will be coming up soon! Just keep a lookout for it. :)

_________________
Image
afk


Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:22 am
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
Oh, so my critique is not worth acknowledgement anymore?


Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:56 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Quote:
Thanks very much AABM! Thats what I was trying to do, not tell anything about the main plot, but still keep the reader engaged and wanting more. Thanks again to all the other comments, chapter 1 will be coming up soon! Just keep a lookout for it.
D:<

_________________
Image
afk


Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:01 am
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
Is it THAT hard to type Treeckomaster?


Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:27 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Evidently. =P

_________________
Image
afk


Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:29 am
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Chapter 1
They arose in a semi-blinded state. He, with one foot slightly aching, hobbled over to a nearby Sycamore tree and sat down on a large root, which seemed to be as large as him, maybe bigger. He was bleeding terribly, the blood kept coming until she came up and patted some small leaves onto the wound. She patted his leg with her paw.

“Don’t worry, we’ll go get help.” She said as she turned around, and shook her tail, as if to say ‘hop on.’

And he obliged, quickly I might add. His wound was now tied up with some Spinarak web; the strongest in all the land.

“Grab onto my mane.” She said as her paws scratched the rough dirt below her, ready to go.

He, again, obliged and grabbed her mane very tightly, also ready for the ride back into the village.

She reared up on her two back paws, looking more like a horse than a dog, then shot off, with him on her back. As they were riding, he had some second thoughts about the Great Light.

‘Well, it must be the apocalypse, what the great priest was talking about this whole time. Yeah, surely that’s it, must be, and Judith is the only girl. That makes sense. Judith is the hardest worker and most praised in the whole village. Mhhm, I’m sure the Great Priest would pick her, and me because..’ His mind trailed off into the distance and so did his eyesight. It was completely dark. He could see nothing, but his eyes weren’t shut. He started to scream; the bandage was obviously not helping, he was bleeding profusely. He slid off of Judith’s back, and slumped against a tree full of Pamtre berries. Judith stopped and turned around, with a large bloodstain where his foot was.

She gathered more leaves in her mouth, picking up large ones, small ones, and ones in between. She walked over and sat down, all four paws on the cold ground, and began to sort the leaves into matter of thickness, size, and color. ‘That’s Judith,’ he thought to himself as he sat there, becoming light headed once again. His vision had returned, but everything was still a little fuzzy, ‘always doing the best she can. Man I’m lucky.’ As he sat there, he squeaked out a small smile, and Judith looked up from her sorting, leaves in mouth.

“This should do it.” She said out of the side of her mouth as she put one big green leaf on, along with two small pink leaves.

“This should help.”

He re-tied the Spinarak web onto his foot. As he finished up, something flew up to him, at the time, he was unable to notice it due to his blurry vision, but Judith recognized it right away.

A large flame shot out from Judith’s mouth, illuminating the gloomy forest. And that’s when he knew he was truly lucky.

_________________
Image
afk


Fri Jul 20, 2007 11:50 am
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
You have description. There is a lot of suspense in that ending and makes the next chapter seem very far away. I'd give you 7.510.


Fri Jul 20, 2007 12:06 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
This is only half of chapter two, it's proved to be pretty lengthy. ;)


Chapter 2
“That- that was great!” He said after the hovering Combee fell to the ground in flames.

“Quickly, get on!” Judith said, with a strong sense of urgency in her voice. He quickly hopped on, and they sped away once more.

“I’ve never seen a Combee like that.” Judith stated, now at a slow gallop as they went through the small underbrush, just outside of the village.

As Judith slowed down even more, Adelai hopped off her back, wincing in pain as his right foot hit the ground. He could feel the dirt seeping into his wound, just slightly tingling. Judith stopped and lurched forward, then fell. Adelai, about five feet in front of Judith, heard the thump and turned around, only to see Judith on the ground, now bleeding at the mouth.

A large, red beast appeared from behind Judith, clearly the cause of Judith’s injury. Adelai quickly tried to Razor Leaf the large monster, but with no avail. It was merely stunned for a split second. Wings sprouted from behind it, fluttering rapidly, and the beast rose slowly. As it reached the canopy (with Adelai still watching) the lights from the village shone on it.

“Scizor!” Gasped Adelai, now hugging and attempting to pick up Judith, but failing to do so. He turned around, his right foot twitched. Realizing that he should run for it and get help, he turned back to Judith, telling her that he’ll get help, she simply rested there, too weak for words.

Adelai sprung out of the underbrush, scratching himself on his arms, his large oval-shaped eyes looked over the scene. The village was in shambles, well at least this section. He quickly ran over to the village square, and taking a sharp left, his tail bobbing at every step he took. The steps kept coming faster as he thought about the menacing Scizor, with its demonical looks, and its fierce claws, severely injuring Judith. He wiped his furrowed brow with his left hand, his right hand still behind him. Adelai always ran head first, his hands behind his body, and his waist at a 15 degree angle. He took a right and arrived at the hospital. He ran to the front desk where two Mr. Mimes, one a Mrs., were busily talking away on their phones. Adelai would not have it and demanded medical assistance for his friend. The receptionists, indifferent as usual, told him to wait and pointed towards the seat in the corner. As they were busily typing away at their computers, Adelai had an idea, and he knew that it must work.

_________________
Image
afk


Mon Jul 23, 2007 12:56 pm
Profile WWW
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
Post 
I like it, you have me intruiged(sp?)......continue :D

_________________
People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Mon Jul 23, 2007 3:55 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
I'm gonna post a large section to keep you readers salivating for a couple of days, the section will be posted in a day or so. :)

_________________
Image
afk


Sat Jul 28, 2007 8:13 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
Interesting, very interesting. The prolouge was very good though for some reason chapter 1 seemed a bit broken, I don't know why. I'm not an expert at this but to me it seems you got a good story on your hands. Very suspensful and it gives enough information as you read it to make it seem to have good flow.

P.S. It's been a day or so, next chapter please, you got me hooked :) .

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:15 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Okie, I'll do it by midnight, (its 11:00 PM here) :)

_________________
Image
afk


Mon Jul 30, 2007 7:53 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
continuation, and chapter three, there you go. :)

The revolving doors in front of him swung rapidly around as he sat in the lonely chair in the corner. In fact, it made a calming buzzing noise, soothing him. Adelai closed his eyes. Un-knowing to what was going on, he was in bliss, the doors sound made it quiet, he could actually think now.

He knew the hospital front and back, his mother, a surgeon, would surely help him, she must. When he opened his eyes, Adelai realized that the two clerks sitting behind their imposing desks were gone. “Hmph,” he said to himself, now walking to the doors behind the desks. These tall metal doors would lead to the doctor’s offices and the nurse’s station. Adelai was extremely fond of the nurse’s station for when his mom went into work everyday (taking Adelai with her) she would plop him down on the counter and tell him not to move. She would then quickly return to give Adelai a nice, large lollipop, ensuring that he would be good, and then leaving for a day at work. Adelai always thought his mother was the prettiest Sceptile in the village, with just the right mixture of personality and beauty to swoon any of the men.

The doors were pushed open by Adelai’s shaking hand. He proceeded through the truly clinical hallways, spotless at every turn and corner, each nook and cranny taken care of, and Adelai liked to think that it was his mother’s work.

The linoleum slapped against his feet, his right foot being brutally and severely injured still, he walked gingerly on it. Adelai turned a corner. He then saw what he wouldn’t have imagined seeing.

Chapter 3

Three Rapidash, with their manes of fire, were stiffly walking past the nurse’s station, setting the ceiling ablaze, darkening the Styrofoam ceiling tiles and burning a hole in most. Their hooves clanked with a loud thud! as they walked along, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. They looked calm, eyes pointing straight forward, they were on a mission. Adelai screamed. His hands quickly coming up to his eyes when he saw why they were walking so slowly. A cart was being pulled by the last Rapidash, the contents inside were horrifying. Adelai’s mother, looking as peaceful as ever was laying in the small, wooden cart, lacerations on her arms, burns all over her body. Adelai used Synthesis on her, nothing happened. She was too far to return. To revive the dead was one thing that Synthesis could not do.

He broke down. On his knees, squatting down did he only realize that The Great Light had something to do with it. The Rapidash were usually peaceful horses, not bringers of death. It didn’t seem like them. Adelai was now crying as his mother passed him, her tail sagging outside of the cart. Her body lay askew, not the typical way that she would lay, but today was not the typical day for this to happen. Adelai sprang to his feet, wiped his eyes with his dirty hands and sped down the other hallway. As he turned the corner, he crashed into Judith with a fit of slipping on blood towards the end. His body, now covered in Judith’s blood proceeded to shake it all off, and then performing Synthesis on Judith, all was well.

Even though Adelai’s mother was gone, she still seemed to be with him, egging him on. Suddenly, Adelai sped off and went outside, waiting for the burning crusade to ram through the walls of the hospital; but they never did. He quickly ran back to the place where Judith was standing, but she was not there. Adelai did not feel well. His stomach swelled into what felt like a giant bubble, he squealed, screamed, shrieked, ached in pain, waiting for someone to come, but to no avail. He was now lying down on the ground, holding his stomach with his hands, his eyes shut as tight as possible, tears coming out of the side. The ceiling swirled above him, now browned and blackened, it almost seemed to come down.

_________________
Image
afk


Mon Jul 30, 2007 8:42 pm
Profile WWW
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
I'm not sure... is the charachter a Chikorita?


Tue Jul 31, 2007 6:05 am
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
I belive he's a treecko (at least YOU should be able to figure that out :D ).

Um, it's sort of broken, kinda difficult to understand what with Judith disappearing and what not. So Judith is now in hospital and dissapeared when Adelai went back to check. He's having some sort of stomach ache and he either fainted, or the celing came down, or both. I am really kinda dissapointed, now in the third chapter you need to actually bring all the charecters into full light and stop making it so mysterious. It's still pretty good when you fully understand it though, good story but you need to start making the plot obvious in the forth chapter.

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:30 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:12 am
Posts: 510
Location: Where you MOST expect it.
Post 
I actually doubt of the main character being a Treecko, for poplers said in some chapter that he used Razor Leaf, since Treecko is unable to learn that move, this leads me to think Adelai is a Bulbasaur, Turtwig or such (unless he is a Roselia :o)

Okay, now, to the story itself... I´ve found a piece in your work that looks like this:


Poplers wrote:
Adelai used Synthesis on her, nothing happened.


Y´kno´, the thing is nawt any typo in here, but rushing... I remember not seeing the move synthesis in the series or such so that my imagination can produce any picture of it. And since I like not using D/P images for these kind of things, I would just ask you, Poplers, to elaborate some more, how did the Synthesis actually looked? and even how did it FEEL?

You know how long my chapters are? 3 pages long as MAXIMUM. I usually spend it in double spacing the paragraphs, which I think you can put in practice. Also, I eat the whole thing in description, which I sometimes find good enough in some parts and lacking in others. I suggest keeping the flow.

_________________
AABM's

Image

"Team Seekers"

"I'm perhaps the least typical Ledian user you'll ever get to see in the whole OU" - AABM.


· Say, Orange looks better than gray, doesn't it?


Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:08 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
How's the fourth chapter coming? I'm still eager for the rest of the story :D .

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Mon Aug 06, 2007 5:34 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
It's coming along, I'm trying to add more detail as AABM said. :]

_________________
Image
afk


Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:01 am
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
These next few chapters are going to take a bit longer than usual, I have schoolwork to do before the schoolyear. :/

_________________
Image
afk


Thu Aug 09, 2007 3:21 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
Arrrrrgh! Curse the public education system!

so.......much........suspense......must......occupy........self.......somehow

I GOT IT!

:frustrated: :frustrated: (this is fun!) :frustrated: :frustrated:


P.S. You really know how to make something suspensful, you make a good action/adventure writer.

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Fri Aug 10, 2007 8:08 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 27 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.