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 Victoria and Charmander[G] 
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Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 7:10 pm
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Story-Victoria And Charmander
Rated [G} for General audiencde
About-An aspiring pokemon trainer named Victoria in the Kanto reigon
ENJOY!


Chapter 1

I came bounding down the path. Bursting with energy. As i was running I looked down the path, what I saw made me smile. "The last hint of winter" I thought to myself. It was a piece of ice-So skinny and long. I got ready for my stunt. I would jump, land on the ice and glide down the piece and than just before I hit the end of the ice I would jump again. I got ready, 1....2..3...JUMP!SLIDE! AND JUMP! "Perfect" I said aloud, and smiled. Professor Oak's lab was just ahead. I checked my watch......just on time. I bounded up the dusty way to the door. I came in just as the clock struck
9 am-just on time.

"You were almost late Victoria!" Yelled Oak's younger brother.

Why was he here-he's nasty.

As If reading her thoughts he said, "I am here, if your wondering, because Oak has a fever."

He gave me a wicked smile-just great. My first pokemon was gonna be given to me by some Evil wizard guy.

"Now. As seeing I am in command I have made a new rule. You must have a mentor with you when you travel." he said.

I counted about 10 groans, and 2 snorts. And that was not counting me.

"I will let the mentors chose their trainers." he added and singled for a group to pick.

Everybody passed me. I smiled, nobody wanted the outgoing, annoying girl. Or at least that is what I thought.....Until she came along.

She was Tall,had blond hair and nice teeth.She was young too, only 3 years older at the most."Hi I'm Pheobe....I'll be your mentor." she told me.

NO!!! I wanted to scream. She was to perky. Well at least she around my age....but still I DIDNT NEED A MENTOR.

"Now kids. You can choose from 4 pokemon."Bulbasuar is the first. He is a grass type, that can also learn poisin moves. He is a good choice for a beginner. Now raise your hand if you want Bulbasuar." said oak's Brother.

About 5 out of 12 kids raised their hands.7 kids left.

"Next we have squirtle-The Water Type. He is the turtle pokemon and is in the medium to train. So who wants Squirtle."

4 kids raised their hands.3 left.

"Ok...Thirdly we have Pikachu. The electric pokemon. Also known as the mouse pokemon. He is ok for beginners. So who wants Pikachu?"

2 raised their hands. 1 left-ME.

"Ok....I guess that means you choose Charmander Victoria."

"Yep!" I said as he handed me the ball."GO CHARMANDER!" I said as I threw the ball to the ground. Out popped a cute little fire salamander pokemon. I smiled. He was perfect. We would be great friends.

Just than the little pokemon let out a little burst of fire torward me. I got burned and fell to the floor-Laughing? Yea we would make great froends.

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Thu May 24, 2007 11:21 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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Joined: Fri Mar 09, 2007 2:56 am
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This story is cool. Pretty good grammar, nice story line, and fun to read. Once you make it longer, it'll be even better.


Fri May 25, 2007 6:17 am
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Fails at life
Fails at life

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StevensNightmare wrote:
This story is cool. Pretty good grammar, nice story line, and fun to read. Once you make it longer, it'll be even better.


[color=electric blue] ^ That


Sat May 26, 2007 11:57 am
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Ace Trainer
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Pretty good, though I saw two mistakes on my first read

Quote:
Just then the little pokemon let out a little burst of fire torward me. I got burned and fell to the floor-Laughing? Yeah we would make great friends.


Other than that, it was fine. You're a good writer.

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Sat May 26, 2007 4:13 pm
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Fails at life
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 7:10 pm
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Chapter 2

Oak's brother was giving some boring lecture and I wasn't listening. The only thing I cared about was leaving. I wanted to be the first to leave for two reasons. I wanted to get away from Oak's brother and I wanted to be gone before Pheobe found me.

"....and remember,whenever you feel like you can't go any farther...come home."

Is this guy serious?Come home? No I was going all the way.I was NEVER comming home to stay.

"Now I am dissmissing you.Good Luck."

"let's go." I told her.



He was done? Yes he was! I jumped up and headed for the door.

"Wait for me."

It was Pheobe,ugh.

I turned and smiled. "Pheobe, I think I'll be ok without a mentor."

"Oh no you won't, missy. Nobody leaves without their mentor."Oak's Brother said as he walked over.

"It'll be fun. You and me. I can help you with anything you need." pheobe said all perky like.

" I dont need help." I mummbled.

Obviously they didn't hear me cause Oak's Brother rushed me and Pheobe along. Great I though. Just great.

"Where should we go first?!" Pheobe asked almost jumping up and down.

I stared at her. "The only possible way...North."

She blushed. "Right,silly me."

"let's go." I simply told her

"WAIT! VICTORIA!WAIT!"

Who was that?

I turned around, my mom. I was suprisingly glad to see her.

She hugged me, crying.

"Oh, I'll miss you sooo much."she cried.

With her words I started to cry as well.

She looked at me."Oh,my baby. How much you have grown.I will miss you."

She started rocking me back and forth. Mumbbiling "I will miss you" over and over again.

"I love. Ill miss you too....mommy." I found myself saying.

After about ten minutes of that she let go smiled and said "Good-Bye now."

"Bye" I said.

Pheobe was crying. "Ready to go?"she asked through her tears.

Yea Let's go" I said biting my lip all the way.

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Sun May 27, 2007 10:16 pm
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Ace Trainer
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This story has potential, BUT watch those spelling mistakes, and quotations mistakes. Also, I saw one or two grammer mistakes, and spacing mistakes. But, those are all things I struggled with, since I usually don't typer stories. But, don't worry about it.

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Mon May 28, 2007 12:06 pm
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Fails at life
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Chapter 3

"Ready for lunch?!"asked Pheobe cheerfully.

We had been walking for two hours on the same road,Route one, and still hadn't reached Viridian city.

"Definitely!" I exclaimed.

"Good.On our menu today we have Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, and.....Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches."

I laughed, it was good to laugh.In my most fancy voice I replied, "I will have a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, please."

Pheobe laughed too. She surfed around in her backpack until she found a sandwich. "Here you go." she said as she handed it to me.

I ate it and swallowed it in one quick movement. "Thank you" I tell her.

"No problem now let's get moving."

We walked for 3 Hours! And just when I was about to give up I saw it. The beautiful skyline of Viridian city.

"LOOK!LOOK! WE"RE ALMOST THERE! OH ISN'T IT MARVELOUS!"I scream to Pheobe.

"Yes it is! I can't believe I'm finally here!" she said oh so happily.

Wait, Finally? I thought mentors had to already have seen these places.

"Excuse me, Pheobe. As a mentor haven't you already traveled the region?" I asked her.

She suddenly stopped laughing, and then after a long pause started again.

"What, What is it?" I ask her franticly.

She calmed down for a moment. "That's just what I told him, this really is my first time out of town."

Was I hearing right? Pheobe-a liar? She seemed so happy, and always acted like a goody-goody.

"Why did you lie?" I ask her quietly.

"You know you and me have a lot in common.I could tell when we first met."

A lot in common? What did she mean, we were two totally different people.

As if reading my thoughts she added,"You wanted an adventure, to leave home,right?" she asks.

I nod my head and she continues.

"Well, I did, too. I was tired of being stuck in BORING old Pallet Town. My mom wouldn't let me go without a reason. so when I saw the sign asking for mentors I signed right up. My mom thought it was a great idea.I thought it would be a dull job-until I met you.You were stubborn, energetic, and outgoing. Just the kind of kid I had hopped to work with."

There was a long silence. I looked at her and she looked at me. Then all of a sudden I started laughing, and laughing, and laughing.

Pheobe laughed too. We laughed for a long time. That day I realized having a mentor wasn't going to be such a drag, in fact it could be fun.

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Wed May 30, 2007 4:31 pm
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Uh, okay, still spacing errors. And some other grammatical errors...

Watch for those the next time you type. I struggled with errors like it's its, and I began to specifically watch for those. I now hardly make them.

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Wed May 30, 2007 5:40 pm
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Fails at life
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No time to write another chapter.
Elementel Trainer-Sorry It hapens when you type I am better at writing.But what do you think of the story-Plot, characters,ect.I tried to do something Pokemon USA does not. I tried to put a personal touch to it. I mean really your gonna be upset leaving home for the first time,people do lie to get into things. I tried to show that Victoria is just another girl not only struggling with the pokemon world but with herself.

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Wed May 30, 2007 6:14 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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No I haven't actually read it, don't bother asking me that.

The only difference between typing and writing it out is the media you're using. For me typing's easier because I have it all in one place and don't have to worry about loose papers...and it's faster for me.

Regardless of how you're writing the story, there are going to be grammatical errors and spelling errors. That's why you proofread. *gasp* I know such a foreign and scary thought for new writers who think they know what they're doing. If you're having issues with grammar, then proofread it and if anyone is willing have other[s] proofread it.

I just skimmed your latest chapter and I have to say I'm not impressed. It's mainly dialogue, there's little description. There was a tiny bit at the end. Force yourself to write more detail, you may feel like screaming and pulling out your hair but it will be worth it.

The more description you have, and more time in her thoughts the more people will bond with her. That does not mean that everything is in single quotes, ', or italicized for that matter. I don't think I've seen any first person perspective stories on here other than some of mine. But you can find them all over the Web with a little hunting.

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Wed May 30, 2007 6:38 pm
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Fails at life
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Thank you for the advice. Typing is harder for me because my elementry teachers never did do a good job teaching typing skills. So here I am gliding through life with little skill in typing.

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Wed May 30, 2007 7:30 pm
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