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 Short story by Romana Joy of Pokefarm 

How is it?
Epic 33%  33%  [ 1 ]
Okay 33%  33%  [ 1 ]
Meh 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Bad 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
It SSSUUUCCCKKKEDDD 33%  33%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 3

 Short story by Romana Joy of Pokefarm 
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:13 am
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Location: Avoiding roasted cabbage, not eating earwax, and looking on the bright side of life
Lying cold on the ground, my body racking with shivers. I knew I was going to die soon of starvation. My mother

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"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." -Abraham Lincoln
"You can't argue with all the fools in the world- it's best to let them have their way and trick them while they're not looking." -Brom
Credit to Jester for the avatar!


Last edited by Edoc'sil on Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Dec 03, 2010 3:40 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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I think it's quite good. I just have one question: Which pokemon is the protagonist? I don't feel like reading the other post.

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Sat Dec 04, 2010 3:06 am
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Super Saiyan
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Location: Out of my brain on the 5:15
Writing wasn't that bad. The flashback storytelling style is somewhat effective. It could do with an editor though (to fix things like switching to 3rd person for a few sentences at the end and inciting general confusion).

The plot conflict, however, is stupid, imho. It' seems to be a rather weak adaptation of a Disney love-at-first-sight story.

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Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:41 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Location: Avoiding roasted cabbage, not eating earwax, and looking on the bright side of life
Now that I look at it again, I see what you're saying. It won a short story contest on pokefarm, though.

_________________
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." -Abraham Lincoln
"You can't argue with all the fools in the world- it's best to let them have their way and trick them while they're not looking." -Brom
Credit to Jester for the avatar!


Sat Dec 04, 2010 1:25 pm
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Super Saiyan
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Location: Out of my brain on the 5:15
The technical writing itself isn't much of an issue.

I'd say it would have potential if the conflict was given more of a backstory. The chopped up, episodic storytelling technique in the exposition, while serving its purpose, leaves much to be filled in. The end leaves the plot to revolve around a character who, judging from what we've been given, has absolutely nothing to do with anything. It's the product of the main character's (seemingly creepy) whim, and as such gives less of a semblance of structure than what I would hope for.

If subsequent chapters gradually reveal a more thorough timeline of the past, and more relevance is shown, it may mend that a bit. But in that case, the overall story would seem less pointless to me if we were initially led to believe the conflict wasn't something so seemingly trivial (or not even introduce the main conflict yet, as it IS a basic exposition).


tbh I suck at writing though, so don't take my ramblings seriously.

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Sat Dec 04, 2010 6:07 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:13 am
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Location: Avoiding roasted cabbage, not eating earwax, and looking on the bright side of life
Oh, I think I should mention something: Wolfin and Kolink are the two main mods on pokefarm. Kolink is a shinx and Wolfin is an Ice houndour.

_________________
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." -Abraham Lincoln
"You can't argue with all the fools in the world- it's best to let them have their way and trick them while they're not looking." -Brom
Credit to Jester for the avatar!


Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:04 pm
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