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 Crimson's Writing Contest [Results and Critiques up!] 
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Pokemon Ranger
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<p align="center"><i>General</i></p>
This contest is to test people's skill, I want people to write me an original short story. Original means that there is no affiliation with anything like Pokemon, etc. I want to see what people can do outside of the world of Fan Fiction. The deadline is July 1st at midnight Eastern Standard Time [EST].

<p align="center"><i>Rules</i></p>
    1] It <i>must</i> be original, failure to do so means immediate disqualification.
    <b>2]</b> There is no specified length requirements; but, I would appreciate people to use some judgement with this.
    <b>3]</b> Paragraphs <i>must</i> separated by a blank line, it's easier for me to read. Just hit 'Return' or 'Enter' twice at the end of each paragraph.
    <b>4]</b> Unless your story has a situation where chatspeak or l33t is appropriate there is to be none in your story.
    <b>5]</b> I expect the story to show an attempt at proper grammar and spelling.
    <b>6]</b> There is no specified genre or story line, as long as it's original then you may submit it.
    <b>7]</b> Post all work within this thread.
    <b>8]</b> Give it your best and good luck, I'm not an easy judge.
    <b>9]</b> Do not steal any work, including that of contestants.

<p align="center">Prizes</p>
<p align="center">I hold the right to refuse giving different placements.
ex: I may only give out 3rd place should I feel none of the others are worthy
</p>
    <b>First</b> place recieves <i>80</i> Psybucks.
    <b>Second</b> place recieves <i>70</i> Psybucks.
    <b>Third</b> place recieves <i>60</i> Psybucks.
    <b>Honorable</b> mention recieves <i>20</i> Psybucks.

<p align="center">Contestents</p>
    ArtisticPlatypus - <i>Slime</i>
    nickyorany - <i>The Black Crystal</i>
    Mitch The Dragon Tamer - <i>Don't Stop Me Now</i>
    Elemental Trainer - <i>Tabby Cat</i>

<p align="center"><i>Other</i></p>
At the end of the competition I intend to comment on each entry.

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Last edited by Crimson on Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:10 pm, edited 9 times in total.



Sun Jun 10, 2007 7:01 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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Post 
I'm in!


The name of this story is.. Slime!


His name was Slime. Yeah, Slime.

He was a little blob of slime that lived in the city sewer. No one even knew that he existed. HE barely knew it himself. So he just lived his slimy little life down in the filthy sewers. Then the day came.
He ate an unusually delicious breakfast. He found a dead rat, and ate it with some of the sticky but delicious slime that covered the walls. He also found an old rusty chain, which tasted almost as good as socks.

Happy, at least as happy as a blob of slime that lacks a brain can be, he moved on. Then the accident happened. He stepped on a clean spot, and slipped! He fell into the water. Well, I’m not sure if it can be called water. Dumping garbage in it would make it cleaner.

Anyway, Slime was swept away by the current. He smashed into a wall and lost the little piece of consciousness he had. He floated away. He lied unconscious in the stream for several hours. Then the water reached the end of the sewers, and Slime ended up bobbing around at the surface of the atlantic ocean. He suddenly woke up. He managed to grab a piece of wood that came floating by. thanks to the piece of wood, he reached dry land.
He fainted from exhaustion.

In meantime, a scientist was gathering information for a lecture about pollution. He walked at the coast, picking up garbage with a hook, and then laying it in a plastic bag. He saw Slime, and thought it was some kind industrial rest product. He picked him up, and laid him in the bag.

The room was quite big. The walls were decorated with portraits of famous scientists. There was some kind of solemnity in the air. The scientist stepped up in the rostrum, and cleared his throat.
'Is everyone here?' He asked.
There was a moment of silence, and then the scientist replied 'good! Lets start then!'
He cleared his throat again, and then continued.
'Today, I’ll talk about pollution! This is a very pressing issue, as we all know. Acid rain, mass extinction, melting polar ice! I was just walking alongside the nearby beach, and look what i found!'
He opened the plastic bag, and a horrible stench filled the room. The gathered scientists stared in horror.
'..And this beach is quite clean, compared to many other places' the scientist continued. He took a pair of plastic gloves, and grabbed Slime. 'Look at this! A blob of pure, horrible slime!'

Then Slime woke up again. he moved, slipped out of the scientists hand and started eating the scientists papers. The scientist yelled 'HELP! It's ALIVE!' and stepped backwards, panic-stricken.
In one moment, the entire assembly ran around screaming in panic, until a younger student bravely grabbed Slime, and managed to flush him down a toilet.

Next day, the newspapers flashed up the happening. You could read things like 'Chemical rest product MUTATED!', 'Our garbage - It's ALIVE! Or 'Elvis lives! No, wait.. it’s a blob of sludge!'
Enviromental activists forced the world leaders to do something, and a campaign to stop the pollution was started.

And down in a sewer sat Slime and gnawed on a rat tail. He didn't know what he had done. He didn't know that thanks to him the pollution would get reduced by 74% in ten years. He didn't know that thanks to him, Congo would become the worlds 6th richest land after inventing a garbage recycler. He didn't know that thanks to him, the president of the US would be replaced in a few weeks. He didn't know anything.

But he was happy.


Mon Jun 11, 2007 1:22 am
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Pokemon Trainer
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Post 
The Black Crystal

one morning 30 years ago in a dark cavern there was a black crystal.

The powers of the crystal was so immense that once you touched it you

would be under the trance of the black crystal. but on that fateful

morning a dark wizard came to that same cavern he mumbled then the

crystal came toward him the moment he touched it he warped to the

preset day area of the the crystal clouds of darkness surrounded the

globe.

Few hours later the military came over and where firing at the wizard but

it reflect of a shield of darkness. But there was one boy in a prophecy

that would save the earth, many did not believe it but it was there only

hope. people looked all around for the on specific child after days o

looking it looked like they found but it seemed as if he weren't alone no

he was already in combat after hours of fighting the fate of humanity was

the dark was never seen again


Sat Jun 16, 2007 9:27 am
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Ace Trainer
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Post 
dont stop me now

"are you gunna be my girl?" he said driving in my car wearing baggy trousers. " Oh my god" good charlotte shouted "were goinging to car chase city" well stan said "i thought we were goining to the YMCA in waterloo[i]" "[i]i should be so lucky suddenly they herd boom boom boom[i]."my [i]umberella..it fell off and is heading to the animal farm". stan said "i predict a riot...so lets get ready to rhumble" they got out of the car and walked into the YMCA.paranoid stan pumped up the jam and bellowed na na na na na im born to be a dancer then turned to his freind and said " sugar were going down to the sound of music" a fight enraged in the YMCA. girls & boys fighting on a saterday night. it was horrible they were better of dead.somebody told me that they hadnt seen it that bad since they were in calafornia were everbody drank poison and was kong fu fighting. after the fight stan] was on the floor [i]alive like the wings of a butterfly. and all was well in the world. aint that nice.

that awful story was composed mostly of song names.... give me somthing to do...

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Sat Jun 16, 2007 2:27 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Post 
Last chance to enter, contest ends in 57 minutes.

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Sat Jun 30, 2007 8:01 pm
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Ace Trainer
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Post 
Okay, I whipped this one up in about an hour, and it's not very good. So, here it is. Don't crucify me or something.

I call it Tabby Cat, and it's my first attempt and a horror based story.


John scowled, looking at the rickety old house. He heard a whistle from behind him. John turned around, looking at his friend, Greg, who had put him up to this. Greg motioned for him to hurry up, tapping his watch. John sighed, and turned back toward the house, which was supposedly haunted by the ghost of a little girl who had a tragic accident.

Earlier that day, John had made a bet with some of his friends to look cool in front of a girl he liked, saying that he could stay in the house for an hour. In order to make sure he didn’t fake, Greg tagged along in order to be a witness. John moaned, wondering WHY he had made this bet, just to be more popular.

John sighed, and walked up to the porch, which had seen better days. It was made of molding wood, with a few rusty folding chairs scattered around. A few of the wooden planks had completely rotted away, leaving dark holes which John was sure were infested with hives of insects. He shuddered. He hated bugs.

John sucked in a breath, and walked up to the old, fourteenth century door. The paint, which at one day been a rich green, had now peeled off, showing a dank wooden interior. John gripped the handle, and twisted, grunting as he opened the door. His nerves sky rocketed as he pushed the door open, as it gave a creepy squeak, like doors did in old horror movies. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. The house had been deserted for at least thirty years; there was nothing in there that was going to hurt him.

John shuffled quietly inside, seeing Greg start a stop watch out of the corner if his eye. He would call John on his Cell Phone when the hour was up. He slowly walked forward, taking in his surroundings. He was in a large entry way, with a huge space over head. Even though there weren’t any lights, the windows over the door let in plenty of sun light. Unfortunately, the light stopped a few feet in front of John.

John sighed, and said to himself quietly,”Well, might as well make this trip as interesting and comfortable as possible. Maybe the family left cool stuff behind.” He walked forward, pulling a flash light out of his jean pocket. He may have been stupid enough to do this, but he wasn’t THAT big of an idiot. He was at least prepared. Along with his flash light, he had brought along an extra set of batteries, a pocket knife, and a small first aid kit. John chuckled silently to himself, thinking about how over protective he had been. It was just one, uneventful hour; there was no need to go to such precautions. But it showed just how scared he had been; apart from the legend of the little girl’s ghost, but there had been several unconfirmed disappearances that had happened around this area. Apparently, one of them had last been seen walking into this house.

John flicked the switch, the yellow beam of light cutting its way through the darkness. Across the room, there was a fancy stair case, which led to the second floor. Other than that, there was an empty kitchen, and also an empty living room.

John gave another sigh, which he had gotten into the habit of doing when he was distressed. He didn’t want to go upstairs; that’s where the little girl had died. All he had hears was she had drowned in the bath tub when her mom had left to answer the phone. The mother had been put behind bars for man slaughter; nobody thought it had been a fair charge.

John walked toward the stairs, nearly choking in the dusty air. This place needed a cleaning. Badly. The air stunk of rot; the dust was so heavy, it looked like it was snowing, except this snow carried an unpleasant smell. John sighed, kicking a pile of the offending stuff. It puffed into the air, looking like a cloud that had been polluted with chemicals from some factory or another.

John reached the stair case, shining the flash light upwards. He stared up for a while, debating whether he should go upstairs or not. Suddenly, there was a loud creak behind him, making him whirl around. He shown the light around, searching for the culprit. He turned the beam toward the kitchen, and thought his heart speed up when a dark blot cut across the light. John felt the blood drain from his face. He shown the light around the room again, trying to catch the thing fully with light. He hadn’t gotten a good look at it.

He gasped, nearly dropping the flash light, as a large ball of fur sprang from the shadows. John fell backward, swinging his arms in a wild defensive circle. He hit the ground hard, his head ringing. He moaned, rubbing his head, and looked up into the face of a cat. It had been clearly startled by John, and arched its back, hissing quietly.

John got to his feet, and let out a relieved breath, retrieving his flash light from the ground. He even laughed a little at himself. He had been scared by a stray cat. He looked down at the cat again, who had calmed down. It didn’t look like a stray; instead of the usual patch work fur, its orange striped coat was well groomed and cleaned, and its bright green eyes didn’t show any hunger. It must have been the neighbor’s cat.

John chuckled, and shooed the cat away, who took off up the stairs. It stopped at the top, and looked down at John, who could have sworn that it had motioned for him to follow. Even though this is weird, it gave John a sense of security. He held his head high, following the cat to the top.

When he arrived at the top, the cat turned around, flicking its bushy tale, and stalked off in the dark. John walked after it, looking at the dusty floor. He was surprised that he didn’t see any paw prints; the darkness must be covering them up. He walked on persistently, just barely seeing the cat in the darkness, even though he kept his light on it. He was slowly noticing that his light was losing intensity, becoming dimmer. He thought nothing of it, and still walked on.

When they reached the end of the hall, his flash light gave a weird, puttering sound, and burned out, leaving John in the dark. John fitted the other batteries quickly into the slot, and turned it back on. The beam again sputtered out. He scowled; he must have brought duds.

John put the flash light away, and glanced up, looking for the cat. He thought he saw the flick of an orange tail disappear into a room in front of him. He waited till his eyes adjusted to the darkness. The windows had been covered up with tar paper. He shuffled forward, and opened the door a little more. He couldn’t see a thing. He walked into the room, his senses tingling. There was something not right here...

Suddenly, the door behind swung shut. He whirled around, and tried the door. Locked. He scowled, and moved backwards, preparing to break the old door down with brute force. He was about to take off, when a noise behind him made him pause. He turned around, and saw a little girl standing in the musty corner of the room. She made the sound again, which sounded like a hiccup.

She was soaking wet; her blond hair clung to her forehead in wet clumps. Her white night gown was also soaked, and her skin was a ghastly pale color. Her eyes were a milky white color; John was now officially scared.

She looked at him, and spoke, her voice sounding like it was submerged in water. She said,”Is that you Mommy?” As she talked, water was streaming out of her mouth. He noticed there was also water coming from her ears, and even her eyes; it was even streaming off of her body.

John shook his head, and she stood up, and said,”Do you know where Mommy is? I haven’t seen her for a while...” She stood up, and John felt a crushing force surround him. He looked at her face, and something clicked. It was the same face of the little girl who had drowned. He took a step back, then turned to run. He slammed into the door, and rebounded. The door didn’t break open. He turned around, and fell back; the girl had appeared right in front of him. She opened her mouth, and said,”Where do you think you’re going? I was hoping we could play...” As she finished, her voice had changed, becoming eerily deep. She opened her mouth, and water sprayed out.

John opened his mouth to scream, but only swallowed water. He tried to cough, but found that water seemed to be every where. The little girl laughed, and John moaned, darkness surrounding him...

***
Outside, Greg tried his to reach John by phone again. But again, it went straight to voice mail. He frowned, and ran toward the house, hoping nothing had gone wrong. He walked through the open door, looking at the dark exterior. A shadow crossed his line of sight, and an orange striped tabby cat ran up the stairs, and turned around, seeming to beckon for him to follow.....

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Last edited by Ghost Writer on Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Sat Jun 30, 2007 8:12 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Post 
<p align="center"><i>Placements</i></p>
    <i>Tabby Cat</i> by Elemental Trainer has one the 1st place prize of 80 Psybucks.
    <i>Slime</i> by ArtisticPlatypus has won the 2nd place prize of 70 Psybucks.
    <i>The Black Crystal</i> by nickyorany has won the Honorable mention prize of 20 Psybucks.


<p align="center"><i>Critiques</i>
<b>DISCLAIMER</b>
I do not care if I offend you. I do not sweeten my words for the sake of your feelings, but I will not go out of my way to unnecessarily insult you. I promise to be honest in my opinion and nothing more.</p>
<b><i>Slime</i> by ArtisticPlatypus ~</b> I enjoyed your piece; you had a good idea going on. There was nice organization and your technical skills were very nice, I only saw one minor mistake where you forgot the word ‘the.’ Your story lacked emotion; it was almost as if it were a report on the weather. This would normally make me dislike a piece, but I did not mind it too much in this case.

<b><i>The Black Crystal</i> by nickyorany ~</b> Thank you for being concerned about the rules I made. I apologize; I should have expressed what I meant more clearly. I had meant that I wanted a line in between the paragraphs. This did not affect you in anyway, you did nothing wrong. There were various typos within your story; most of them were capitalization errors or a forgotten period. To be completely honestly your last sentence not only appears to be a run-on sentence by the ending is confusing.

Quote:
people looked all around for the on specific child after days o looking it looked like they found but it seemed as if he weren't alone no he was already in combat after hours of fighting the fate of humanity was the dark was never seen again

That’s a direct quote from your story. I understood that the boy was fighting and that he wasn’t alone. But I don’t know which side won, who or what was never seen again. Read it aloud I think you’ll agree that it sounds awkward, I’m sure it sounded better than it came out in your head. For as short as it was it was not that bad.

<b><i>Don’t Stop Me Now</i> by Mitch the Dragon Tamer ~</b> I did not appreciate this entry. It was a complete waste of my time and anyone else’s who decided to read it. Not only is there no apparent sign of grammar, but there is no plot to it. It is just a mass of words you threw together and posted. It was not amusing.

Quote:
that awful story was composed mostly of song names.... give me somthing to do...

If <i>you</i> thought it was horrible why did you bother posting it? I dearly hope you did not really hope to get any prize. It’s a contest; you are supposed to try to win. You are not supposed to see how lazy you can be and get away with it. You clearly didn’t read my rules which stated in number 5 that I expected an attempt at proper grammar. Such shabby work is a sign of disrespect towards the other two contestants and me. I sincerely hope that you never enter another writing contest if this is the quality you are willing to present.

<b><i>Tabby Cat</i> By Elemental Trainer ~</b> I remember I wrote a horror story years ago and it wouldn’t hold a candle to this piece. There was excellent fore-shadowing and you showed the reader just what they needed to know. You had just the right amount of description. You knew exactly what needed more description than the next subject. I greatly enjoyed this. I hope you’ll look into writing more original short stories. I saw few typos, I believe cell phone is not capitalized but I’m not entirely sure.

<p align="center"><i>Finale</i></p>
I hope that those of you who entered enjoy writing these pieces. The FanFiction forum would be happy to have new regulars to it and we would enjoy seeing what you come up with. I hope that those of you who read these pieces enjoyed them and will head over to the FanFiction forum. Even if you don’t write, the regulars would enjoy hearing the opinions of fellow users.

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Last edited by Crimson on Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:00 pm
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Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
Post 
Crimson, you just made my day (erm, night...)

Anyways, thank you for your review. I've been told by my brother every day how many spelling and grammar mistakes I make, and I've started watching them too (we both write stories, so there's a lot of sibling rivalry in it). I really thought it was horrible. But, I guess I was wrong...

I really hope this contest has gotten people interested in the Fanfiction forum, and they'll start commenting on other peoples stories.

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Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:11 pm
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