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 The Epidemic [PG13] 
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Fails at life
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Title-The Epidemic
Rate-[PG13]
About-A ralts who lives through 1 of the worst epidemics Hoenn has ever seen.

Intro

About 100 years ago a devestating epidemic hit the land of Hoenn. Many have read about it in stuffy old textbooks, and other refrence books but none of really seen the personal side to it. Orphaned pokemon and kids, parentless pokemon and kids. Well my great ancestor,Ralts, lived throgh the horrible epidemic. This is her story.

Chapter 1

"Ralts!" cried Gardevoir to her youngest daughter."Dinner will be ready soon."

"Comming!" said Ralts cheerily. She came skipping down the path throwing flowers with every step. "What are we having?" Ralts asked sweetly.

"You'r favorite, spicy berries." responded her mom.

"YAY! Where's sister Kirlia, and Father Gallade?" asked Ralts calming down.
"They're inside now let's go."
And with that they went inside to a normal family dinner.

Next Time- Fever victims star to die but the reigon assumes it is just a summer sickness-like the ones they get every year. They soon discover it is something bigger.


Sat May 05, 2007 3:26 pm
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nice story...bur cant you make it a bit longer than a few sentences? but still a nice story i give it a 7/10 because of the shortness...


Sat May 05, 2007 3:34 pm
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Like evil_charizard said, try to make a lengthy or at least decent start up than a few sentences. I know you probably have your story set up, but just putting one chapter isn't enough. If you don't have enough, people start to think if they want continue reading. Saying what happens next time gives it away.

I like how you used the new evolution of Kirlia, Gallade. This means that it can be an actual family, not having some weird story line with two Gardevoirs, which are meant to be just female.

Don't just say 'And they went inside to have a normal family dinner.' Say what they say at dinner, how quickly they finish, or if there was anything important about dinner. I would like to know what happened, or at least how quickly they finished.

You have very good grammar in my opinion. I don't see any comma splices, any fragments, or anything else that should be capitalized. I'm only a kid, though, so there might be some somewhere. No one is perfect.

All in all, I would give this a 6/10 because it was short, and that I don't know where they are other than in Hoenn. I like that you have good grammar, and that you set up your story right. Just try to have a bit more detail and other things.


Sat May 05, 2007 3:51 pm
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Fails at life
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Chapter 2

"EXTRA! EXTRA! POKEMON DIE OF FEVER!" That was all that could be heard through Hoenn on one bright Sunday Morning.

Gallade sat reading the paper and when he was done spat at the floor. "They make such a big fuss of it. There is always some kind of sickness that goes around in the Summer."

"I don't know, folks are saying this could be something to worry about. They're saying Berry Fever is back." said Gardevoir to her husband.

"Berry Fever..humph.We haven't seen no Berry Fever in decades. It's just a Summer sickness, and don't go tellin' the kids anything but."answered Gallade.

"Don't go telling us what?" asked Kirlia peering around the corner.

"Nothing, dear." said Gardevoir.

Before Kirlia could say more skipping in came Ralts. "Good Morning! Good Morning!" she sang.

"Good morning dear. Hey I was thinking I bring you down to the stream to go fishing. How's that sound?" asked Gallaed.

"PERFECT!" replied Ralts happily.

"Hey! What about me Dad?" asked Kirlia, obviously angry.

"You too, we'll make a day of it" said Gallade to his kids.

Soon the trio were off towards the river. It wasn't a far walk but a decent sized one so when they finally got to the river they were wiped out from all the walking.

"Umph, I don't know about you guys but I need to rest." said Gallade.

"Me too." said Kirlia.

"Me three!" said Ralts somewhat cheerily.

So the three sat and talked.

After some normal conversation Kirlia finally asked the question tat had been biting at her. "Dad, I heard that Berry Fever might be back, is that true?"

"Oh no! the stories have gotten to you too? No Berry Fever has been here for decades and WILL NOT be here for decades to come!" answered Gallade yelling without knowing it.

"Geez! I just asked." sad Kirlia rolling her eyes.

Gallade was about to scold her when Ralts popped in. "What's Berry Fever?" she asked.

"It's a sickness that hit here long ago. It's caused when the berries we eat grow badly and are infected. But we don't know they are infected and eat them. The only problem is the sickness is different from other food spread diseases, once you have it you can give it to anyone.....even if they didn't eat the berries." replied Kirlia.

"Enough, Kirlia. We don't need to be getting your sister full of ideas. Now let's go fishing!"

So they went fishing. Of course they let all the pour dumb Magikarps go. By the end of the day they were ready to go home. So they picked up their rods and walked home to what they thought was a regular dinner but what would soon turn into something worse.


Last edited by InfernapeLover on Sun May 06, 2007 7:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Sun May 06, 2007 12:42 pm
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9/10!! i dont usually say that to everyone either.... *goes to tell some random guy he gets a 9/10 on a very bad story...* you made it longer and you put some more detail into, nice story....do more!!!


Sun May 06, 2007 1:18 pm
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I just skimmed it; but, the plot's not bad and you don't have horrendous grammar. And since I've never had to yell at you I'm happy to announce that I don't consider you a noob. You're a newbie, the good verison.

Anywho, I think you just need to widen your vocabulary and work on the aspects of writing a story that don't include dialogue.

What IS bad is that I see an emoticon in your story. Which is a very bad thing, shame on you. No more of the emoticons in your story, unless we [the readers] can tell it's part of the author's note.

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Sun May 06, 2007 1:27 pm
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"Alright everyone, enjoy your dinner." said Gardevoir as she finally sat down herself after serving everyone.

The family didn't have to wait for her to tell them. They ate in big bites and had little manners.

"Very good, Honey"said Gallade when he was done chewing.

"I agree very good mother." said Kirlia in between bites.

Gardevoir smilled she loved when her family liked her cooking. "What about you Ralts? What do you think?" she asked.

"Good." said Ralts, obviously she was thinking about something thoughtfully.

"What's wrong, honey?" asked Gardevoir.

"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking." Ralts replied.

"About what?" Kirlia asked, noisey as ever.

"About what you told me about Berry Fever and, how if it is back than we could be getting sick this moment."

Before anybody could reply Gardevoir started to yell. "WHY DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT BERRY FEVER! SHE IS TO YOUNG TO HEAR THAT KIND OF STUFF! HOW DARE YOU,AFTER DINNER I AM BANISHING YOU TO YOUR ROOM!"

"Sorry but-"Kirlia began.

"No buts young lady. Do as your mother tells you.You don't want the folks around here thinking you are an unproper girl." said Gallade very sternly.

"Yes, Father." she mummbled.

"Good, now let's finish this wonderful dinner.

Not one of them could think of what to say and Kirlia was afraid to talk,
so they ate the remainder of their dinner in scilence until Ralts figured she had to break the silence.

"Shall we play a game after dinner?" she asked.

Gardevoir looked up, "I think that is a splendid idea. What should we play?"

"I vote on Sevipers and Trees." said Gallade.

"Oh, that is your favorite game. Who else wants to play
Sevipers and Trees?" asked Gardevoir.

"ME!" the family said in unison,well, all except Kirlia.

"You know what Kirlia i'm lifting your punishment." Gardevoir told her.

Kirlia smilled and said she wanted to play too.

So after dinner the family played Sevipers and Trees.

"Oh Yea! I get to go up a Tre"was what Gallade started to say but he couldn't finish, he went into a coughing fit.

"Honey, are you ok."asked Gardevoir.

"N-No. Call a doctor."was all he managed to say before he passed out.

"DAD!" yelled Kirlia rushing to his side, Gardevoir already on the phone, and Ralts just crying.

"Yes, Doctor Chansey, we need you now. My husband had a coughing fit and passed out."

The conversation went on for a couple of minutes 'till Gardevoir finally hung up. "She said she's on her way!" Gardevoir said close to tears.

Chansey hadn't lied, in a few minutes he was rushing in the door and to Gallade's side. She checked his pulse, temperture and things 'till she finally stood up,"Mam, I'm sorry to infoarm you but, your husband has what we have feared has been going around....He has Berry Fever."




Author's note- Let me explain what Sevipers and Trees is. In a quick summary it is like the modern day game we know as snakes and ladders.


Sun May 06, 2007 7:14 pm
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This is a very good story-and well written too! Great work. Everything fits really well together. I hope Father Gallade doesn't die. =.
PS:I didn't need a description of what Ekans and Trees was, that was imaginative!

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Sun May 06, 2007 7:18 pm
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poplers wrote:
This is a very good story-and well written too! Great work. Everything fits really well together. I hope Father Gallade doesn't die. =.
PS:I didn't need a description of what Ekans and Trees was, that was imaginative!


nice stroy yet again...and poplers....its sevipers and trees not ekans and trees....lol, i like the story too much, i think im going to blow my head up if i dont get more...


Mon May 07, 2007 11:51 am
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The family didn't sleep at all that night, Gallade kept them up with his moaning and sudden shreiks of pain. So when morning came the family was somewhat releived.

"Wake up Ralts! Wake up Kirlia!" Gardevoir called through the hall.

"Why so early?" groaned Kirlia, still not fully awake.

"Because I need your help taking care of your Father, now rouse!" she said sternly.

Ralts had just now wobbled out of her bed chamber. "How's Daddy Gallade?" she asked kindly.

Gardevoir burst into tears and threw her arms around her children.

"Mommy, are you ok?" asked Ralts, sounding very scared.

Gardevoir wiped her tears away and weakly smiled, "Don't fret, I'm ok,"
she paused for a few moments and added, "and Daddy Gallade will be, too."

"Is there any medicene we can give him?" asked Kirlia.

"I'm afraid there is none. The last time Berry Fever struck scientist worked hard to find a cure but, when the frost, that ended the epidemic, came they stopped." Gardevoir said trying to hide her greif.

A death like scilence filled the room 'till it was broken by a load groan from Gallade's bedchamber.

"Now, now, don't cry it's time to get to work. Kirlia, I need you to do the chores your father and I usually do. I'll go tend to him and, Ralts, you know how to use the phone, right? Try to get a hold of Doctor Chansey."

"Ok!" said Ralts and Kirlia in unison, already on the way to do what they were assigned.

"Mommy! The answering Machine says she's busy with other patients." Ralts called up to her mother after trying to reach Dr.Chansey.

"Try to get ahold of the Masgrant Hotel. Mabey that traveling doctor, Blissy, is in town." Gardevoir called back.

"Ok!" said Ralts as she started to dial.

"Hello, this is the Masgrant Hotel, how may I help you?" asked the voice over the receiver.

"Yes, um.....my dad is sick and my mom was wondering if Dr.Blissy is around." said Ralts into the receiver.

"Yes actually he is. Infact she's in the lobby comming back from another paitent's house.Would you like me to send her to your's?"

"YES! That would be great. We live right on the outskirts of town to the right,can't miss it." Ralts said.

"Ok, I'll send him right over, Bye."

"Bye" Ralts replied and hung up. She skipped up the stairs to tell Gardevoir.

"Oh, Ralts did you get a hold of someone?" asked Gardevoir as Ralts entered the room.

"YEP!" He's comming over right now." she said to her mom.

"Oh, good. Now can you go help your sister." Gardevoir said.

"Sure." said Ralts somewhat happily.

About ten minutes later the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" said Kirlia.

When she opened the door a blissy in a medical hat stepped in and went right to Father Gallade's bed chamber. Ralts and Kirlia followed and stpped in the room as the doctor took his pulse. She than took his temperture and went to wet a cloth. After Blissy laid it on him he was able to gather enough strength to open his eyes.

When he saw his two daughters he started to scream in panic. "GET THEM OUT! I DON'T WANT THEM SICK! GET THEM OUT OF HERE! GET THE KIDS OUT OF THIS HOUSE.....NOW!"

Blissy quickly pushed the Sister Kirlia, Ralts, and Mother Gardevoir out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"They must go somewere small and cold." she explained to Gardevoir," He will rest when they are safe."

"NO!" said Kirlia, Ralts just began to cry.

Gardevoir bent down to comfort them. "There is no such place in Hoenn." she said.

"Oh, I wasn't talking about Hoenn. They should be out of the region. It is sure to spread." Blissy replied.

"Where do you suggest." she said.

"Well, in Sinnoh there is a town called Snowpoint," she said taking out a map. "As you can see it will be a long ride. They will have to take a boat from here to Canalave city, and then from there take a train to Eterna City, and then there are some very kind Onix around there yjat will lead them through this cave. Finally they are to take a train to Snowpoint, up here." Blissy said.

"And you'r sure this is best for my Children and Husband both?" asked Gardevoir.

Blissy nodded and put away her map. " I can have my old friend go with them if you please." she added.

Gardevoir looked at her kids, "I don't want to here any if,ands, or buts. You are going."

So just like that Ralts and Kirlia were about to be shipped off like cargo.


Mon May 07, 2007 5:08 pm
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just keep writing your story and ill never i have to blow up my head...lol, its to good...i must blow it up anyway!!!*blows his head up because story is too good*


Wed May 09, 2007 1:45 pm
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"Kids!" yelled Gardevoir from the doorway, "It's time to leave."

Sister Kirlia and Ralts stumbled to the door, their sacks neatly folded under their arms.

"Mom, Do we have to go?" complained Kirlia.

"Yes, I know you don't want to but 'tis best. Besides Snowpoint is where your Dad lived before comming here, mabey he stll has relitives there." said Gardevior trying to make this sound fun, but even she was clearly upset.

"MOMMY! I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU AND DADDY!" cried Ralts. She ran over to hug her mom, not letting go.

Gardevoir pushed her away and said,"Crying won't help. You'll be with someone 100% of the way."

Knock, Knock. It seemed it truly was time to leave.

"Come in, please." said Mother Gardevoir.

And in stepped a Tall, proud Infernape. "I was asked to be your darling kid's escort to the wonder of Snowpoint City.

Gardevoir wiped some tears from her eyes. "Take good care of them." she said.

"I will, Mam." said the Infernape.

So with one last long hug Gardevoir hustled her kids out the door and, into the Infernape's care.

"Bye, Dearies. Be safe." she said.

With that Ralts burst into tears and, Kirlia had to carry her becvause her sobbing was so bad. "B-Bye, MOMMY,I LOVE YOU! SAY BYE TO DADDY FOR ME!" she sobbed.

Infernape moved faster, making Kirlia go faster as well. So soon Mother Gardevoir could no longer see or hear her daughters, just picture them. She went back inside to tend to Father Gallade.

The road to the shore was long and after awhile Kirlia's feet tired. "Are we almost there?" she asked.

"Almost, just a little 'bit farther. You know you're lucky, you live close to the coast, some can't flee at all."he said.

"Luck, are we?" Kirlia mummbled sarcasticly.

The city of Lillycove was still full of life as they passed through. Contests proceeding, Lotto Tickets being sold, pokemon staring in amazement at the art,and of course the Department Store still had all it's customers. And as you passed you couldn't help wonder how long it would last.

Finally after about three hours the group finally reached the docks.

"Where do you wish to go this fine day?" asked the Pelliper Sailor with a snitch of an accent.

"A far ways I'm afraid, all the way to Canalave, Shinnoh." Infernape answered.

"Fleeing the fever?" aked the Sailor.

"Yes, sadly. These darling kid's Father fell ill and he won't rest 'till their safe." he said.

"So, sad. Well the next ride to Canalave leaves at 2 pm.Can you wait?" asked the Pelliper.

"Sure thing." said Infernape, "we'll have lunch."

So the plans had been made, Kirlia and Ralts were set to leave at 2 pm in the afternoon, that same day.


Wed May 09, 2007 8:43 pm
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This is a very good story. I say about 8.9 keep it up I want to hear more!

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Wed May 09, 2007 8:58 pm
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"Well dears we got till 2, go enjoy yourselves." said Infernape with a smile.

"No, sir were not in the mood." replied Kirlia.

"Upset about your Daddy?" he asked.

Kirlia nodded, "He was like our Best FRiend, took us everywhere."

"And he will, you just gotta wait untill the frost." Infernape told them.

"You think so?" asked Ralts.

"Think? I'm sure he will. Now let's go eat." said Infernape as he pushed the sisters torwards a small resturant by the name of "BerryChach".

Once inside an amazaing yet sorta funny sight met them. The resturant workers were ALL Infernapes.

"I love this place. Come here all the time. Now let's sit, you seat yourself here." Infernape explained.

After sitting down a waitress came up to them. "WELCOME! No menues today our food supply hasdropped. We do have some thing left, BerryPalooza, made up of every kind of common Berry, $5.00. RareOnTheGrill, made up of all rare berries, $20.00. MixieMix, mixed up Berries and plants, $3.00.For dessert we have BerryPudding,$2.00. And BerryCream, 6.00. What will you have?"

"Why the sortage?" asked our escort,The waitress looked at the floor,"BerryFever killin' the berries, that's why."

"So the berries you cookin' right now could be poison?"asked Infernape.

The waitress just grunted and nodded slightly.

"Come, on kids. I promised your Momma I'd keep you safe. I can't risk it." Infernape ordered us.

They were soon rushed out, looking for another place to eat.

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Fri May 11, 2007 6:45 pm
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