It is currently Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:31 am



Reply to topic  [ 38 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2
 The Forgotten Son (Ch.7 Added 8-4-06) 
Author Message
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pm
Posts: 149
Location: PA, USA
Post 
Took me a while to nail this chapter....

Chapter 5
--------------------------------------------
Luke awoke to the sound of knocking on his door, to which he jumped up and gave a small gasp. After leaping out of bed and rushing to get dressed, he gave a deep sigh, looking at the door as an obstacle. He stopped in front of the door, closing his eyes and summoning the courage to fling it open. After a moment of preparation, he reached forward and opened the door, looking up to see his visitor.

As he expected, the one who was at his door was Kristin, back for her pokemon. Her clothes seemed a little tattered, and her shiny neat hair from earlier seemed a little dirtied and messy.



Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:42 am
Profile WWW
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2005 2:23 pm
Posts: 1959
Location: Va
Post 
Finally, some action.

Ok, three things:
Banov wrote:

And then, Luke suddenly felt an undying need to know where his father was. [color=red]He couldn

_________________
Image Image
^Image by dragoni_slayer2014^


Fri Jun 30, 2006 1:05 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pm
Posts: 149
Location: PA, USA
Post 
1. Oops

2. I like it how it is :/

3. It's half-assumed magikarp's carried, although in rerospect yes it would have been better to say it.


Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:48 am
Profile WWW
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pm
Posts: 149
Location: PA, USA
Post 
Here it is, chapter 6. I'm sorry for the lateness, but it took me a while to get right, and it took me a good time to get ahold of my beta reader, who was sick for a little while.

Chapter 6
----------------------------------------
Darkness surrounded Luke as he fell, clouding his vision of everything; all he felt or saw was the sensation of falling; and it was a scary one.

As he fell, his mind felt as if it was going as black as the darkness around him, and he entered a kind of subconscious state. The two personas Luke had been shifting between seemed to almost appear in his mind, although not physically- he could only


Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:58 am
Profile WWW
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2005 2:23 pm
Posts: 1959
Location: Va
Post 
Not too shabby, B-man. Only thing I really see wrong here is that, in the second to last paragraph, where you talk about Kenshin doing the wrong move on purpose, you spelled "just" jus.

Other than that, it was great.

_________________
Image Image
^Image by dragoni_slayer2014^


Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:21 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pm
Posts: 149
Location: PA, USA
Post 
Thanks for the review! Also...

I'm posting this on every forum in which TFS is updated, as well as editing it into the first post in every forum. Throughout my posting of the story various grammar mistakes have and will be found and altered; for the sake of simplicity the final version of every chapter will be found here.

I'll go back over old chapters once in a while here to edit and alter grammar and structure mistakes, and overall if you're new to the story or plan to read over old chapters again, the given link is the 'official' compiling of all of the most up-to-date versions of each chapter. Feel free to post reviews there in addition to or instead of at this forum, and please feel more than welcome to point out every grammar mistake you can there so that it can be fixed. I'm not always going to catch every single one...


Wed Jul 12, 2006 11:43 am
Profile WWW
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2005 2:23 pm
Posts: 1959
Location: Va
Post 
I do like the personification of Luke's dark side via Silver.

_________________
Image Image
^Image by dragoni_slayer2014^


Thu Jul 13, 2006 4:14 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2006 8:14 pm
Posts: 149
Location: PA, USA
Post 
Yes, this took forever. However, I've got the series in order now and things are looking up.

Chapter 7
----------------------------
As it gave another odd-sounding yell Kenshin leapt forward again with its sword at the ready, but it was easily repelled just as it had been before. The battle had extended for a little while, but with each exchange the difference between scyther and Kenshin grew larger; scyther benefited from the commands of its trainer as well as a higher level in power- it


Fri Aug 04, 2006 9:46 am
Profile WWW
Illiterate
Illiterate

Joined: Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:47 pm
Posts: 138
Location: Hint: that's not your house settling at night.
Post 
Wow. That ruled. The whole thing rules. but your'e kinda late for the new chapter.


Last edited by girog on Tue Mar 20, 2007 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Mar 09, 2007 7:37 pm
Profile WWW
Illiterate
Illiterate

Joined: Tue Feb 27, 2007 5:47 pm
Posts: 138
Location: Hint: that's not your house settling at night.
hello?


Tue Mar 20, 2007 1:10 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
girog wrote:
Wow. That ruled. The whole thing rules. but your'e kinda late for the new chapter.


People have a life outside of their stories and PsyPoke. Perhaps not much of one depending on the person but still some semblence of existence. And there is no such thing as 'being late for a new chapter'. It's the writer who makes the rules not the readers, unless of course the writer is dealing with a publishing house but that's an entirely different situation.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Tue Mar 20, 2007 5:50 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2005 2:23 pm
Posts: 1959
Location: Va
Post 
I think he forgot that he posted his fanfic here. If you check that site out that's in his first post, the chapters go up to ten.

_________________
Image Image
^Image by dragoni_slayer2014^


Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:46 am
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Tue May 01, 2007 4:38 pm
Posts: 80
Post 
This was a very good fic!

_________________
Image
Image
^^Thanks to DarkPhantom and Kryten for the Sigs^^


Tue May 08, 2007 9:05 pm
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 38 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/acm/acm_apc.php on line 68: apc_store(): Potential cache slam averted for key '57a1085f_global'