It is currently Wed Apr 23, 2014 1:18 am



This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.  [ 12 posts ] 
 STORY! 
Author Message
Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher

Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:17 am
Posts: 3
Come read the tale of a lost pokemon and a found hero :( :o


Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:19 am
Profile
Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher

Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:17 am
Posts: 3
Post 
In a far away region of the pokemon world....

NOT Kanto
NOT Jhoto
NOT Hoenn
NOT Fiorre
NOT Orre
NOT Sinnoh

But a new region..... the Gotoo region

Introduction

Where am I? the confused pikachu said. " Hey this isnt Sinnoh " He stood up and walked around. He noticed a red cap with an M on it. Someone came running toward him " Give me that it-a-mine " the person said and then left. Pikachu stood there confused....... what was he going to do.


Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:28 am
Profile
Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher

Joined: Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:17 am
Posts: 3
Post 
Chapter 1

Pkachu walked around until he saw that guy again, he looked at him closely... IT WAS MARIO! Pikachu walked toward him " What are you doing here he said " Marios eyes were red, he started punching pikachu. Pikachu said PI-KA-CHU and lashed out a thunderbolt. Mario said " Thank you pikachu i was confused in dont know what came over me"

THe two of them continued to explore Gotoo until they couldnt walk any longer. They fell asleep.

Then they woke up in A PRISON CELL?!?


Sun Sep 16, 2007 6:34 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Pikachu met Mario?

Wow.

Your chapters are way too short, and your plotline seems to be well..
horrible. :)

Umm, yeah, chapter one was about 4 sentences long.
You could easily do better.
Think of a good plot, and write LONGER chapters.


kthxbai. :O

_________________
Image
afk


Sun Sep 16, 2007 7:59 am
Profile WWW
Ace Trainer
Ace Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:45 pm
Posts: 382
Location: Searching for the place all the Abra teleport to. I'm going to crash their party.
Post 
Crap pretending not to be crap.

Chapters are short, it skips around ALOT, horrible grammar, horrible spelling, incomplete sentences, bad descriptions..... It looks like you're trying to increase your post count. *sighs* Another N00b in the writing forum. Crimson is going to have a field day.

_________________
[img]http://i153.photobucket.com/albums/s239/Jammer92/ThousandWordSig.png[/img]


Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:41 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
Ghosty you're too right about this. The forum had been doing so well too; what a pity. The only other person who would think this is good is another n00b. And even then I doubt it and I think they would just be increasing their post count. So, after following that logic, that would mean no one could like this.

Now, I'll freely express my...distaste for your story, but that doesn't mean I'm trying to "run you out of the forum" like another n00b recently thought. Okay now...how to begin.

Your first post is a waste of my time, and everyone else's. If you can't attract users with your title then there's no point in trying something as cliche and annoying as what you've done.

The second post...Pokemon is capitalized. If you're going to make a list at least do it properly, and I don't think I should have to explain that. You can emphasize words and create a feeling without using all caps. Infact, it's preferred that you don't unless the situation calls for it. Your attempt to reinforce the significance of the "Gotoo region" fails miserably and the reader is horribly aware that that's what you're trying to do.

Out of curiosity, if the Pikachu (which should also be capitalized) is lost then why do the reader's know where it is? If it's lost, then make the readers a little lost too...in the good way.

Here's your paragraph fixed grammatically.
    "Where am I?" the confused Pikachu asked. "Hey, this isn't Sinnoh." He stood up and walked around. He noticed a red cap with an "M" on it. Someone came running towards him.

    "Give me that it-a-mine," the person said and then left. Pikachu stood there confused...What was he going to do?

Alright, when our mystery character comes running and tells Pikachu to give the hat back he just runs off. In fact, he shows up and leaves without taking the hat. Oh, sure we can infer that he took the hat, but we shouldn't have to. A new paragraph begins everytime a different character speaks.

And I know this is going to raise a few questions, yes it's fine that I didn't capitalize the first letter after "Where am I?" it's one of those weird rules. Elipses are three periods not seven. Your last sentence is a question so end it in a question mark.

Onto your...Chapter 1. Out of curiosity, how does Pikachu know who Mario is? After all, they're not from the same world. And, again, don't capitalize to emphasize. Actually...the plot is terrible that it would take more effort than I'm willing to give to explain what's wrong and poorly written.

So, for my remaining sanity, I'm only going to tell you to go read some decent stories that are on here, preferably ones by Psyches, Ghost Writer, Obsidian Wolf, or AABM.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:14 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2006 4:47 am
Posts: 917
Post 
This is a joke, right? Please tell me this is a joke. If it is, kudos to you. if it isn't, off to Lintaro's we go!

_________________
Image


Sun Sep 16, 2007 7:11 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
Quote:
This is a joke, right? Please tell me this is a joke. If it is, kudos to you. if it isn't, off to Lintaro's we go!

I certainly hope it's not a joke. We don't need another The Adventures of Mudkip, one's bad enough as it is.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:33 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jul 13, 2006 10:12 am
Posts: 510
Location: Where you MOST expect it.
Post 
Crimson, you do take your time and sanity to an edge when writing such replies like the first one of yours in this...story. I guess it´s good to help, but I also guess it´s good when it´s worth it.

What can I say about the story? people here had said it all about it, probably because it´s just starting or because it´s completely a mess... or both!

It is really a shame that our library has this in, it was going all goodly.


Mon Sep 17, 2007 1:02 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2007 12:07 pm
Posts: 1130
Location: The Forums official moronic epic fail.
Post 
Crimson wrote:
We don't need another The Adventures of Mudkip, one's bad enough as it is.


And atleast Adventures of Mdkip was bad in a decent way...


Mon Sep 17, 2007 2:00 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
No, it's not in anyway good. It's popular but not good. It's large fan base is merely willing to overlook the errors to try to make them amusing. More serious writers find it insulting and can't stand it. Psyches has recently written a wonderful parody about it.

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Mon Sep 17, 2007 3:47 pm
Profile
Gym Leader
Gym Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 11:04 am
Posts: 1320
Location: Sky Tower
Post 
{totodile} Totodile flees from topic!

_________________
Image


Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:17 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
This topic is locked, you cannot edit posts or make further replies.   [ 12 posts ] 

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.