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This is an essay I just wrote for my writing class. The assignment was to write a satirical essay, and I believe I have done a fairly decent job at that. For those of you who don't know, a satire is extremely ironic and sarcastic. This essay is in no way, shape or form, what I really think. It's meant to be funny (which I think it is), and to get me a good grade in the class. It is based on a picture I saw on Facebook, or some other place. Read the essay before you begin to type a comment, please. So, without further adieu, here it is:
Petition to Ban Gay Marriage
There are many things wrong with this country today: elderly drivers, student drivers, pedestrians, bikers, used-car salesmen, Jehovah's Witnesses, Stan Lee, tech support, the United States Postal Service, hippies, Honey Boo-Boo, the creators of the Magic Jack, anyone named Kaz, sharks, Gobstoppers... the list is nearly endless. But chief among them, reigning supreme and stylish, are the homosexuals. It's not enough that they have to exist, but they want equality, too! Now they're wanting the right to marry. What, San Francisco isn't enough for you? So I have compiled a few reasons why gay marriage, and homosexuality in general, should not be allowed, and I hope you all agree with me, and will support this noblest of causes.
The first thing is that being gay is not natural. In America, we only do things the natural way. We only buy products that exist naturally. We only eat foods that come from nature. We reject anything unnatural, like music discs, motor vehicles, and air conditioning. In the first years of our lives as a species, about six thousand years ago when the world was created, we were programmed to be attracted to members of the opposite sex. And from two STRAIGHT people spawned over seven billion humans, all related to each other. It's not natural for men to be attracted to men or women to be attracted to women. But it is perfectly natural to be attracted to relatives. Just ask the South. They're doing things right down there.
Another thing is that gay marriage will encourage people to be gay. Everyone knows it's a choice. Just look at college 'experiments'. With the increase of homosexuals in the public eye, the gay will begin to rub off. Just like when you are around tall people and you become taller, if you are around gay people you will become gay. Pretty soon, there will be so many gay people that we will begin to die off. The future of our race depends on the abolishment of homosexuality. Of course, if you're okay with your children's children living in a hollow, shattered, corrupt world where anything is okay, then that's fine. At least you won't be around to see it.
Legalizing gay marriage is just the first step in a slippery slope. What's next, legalizing dog marriage? Once that's legal, then what? All sorts of crazy things, like marrying a refrigerator, or a bag of cereal, or your mailbox. All of which is possible, because as everyone knows, those objects have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract, something that you need to legally be married. It's just the first step, the gateway drug, if you will. It will open the floodgates, bringing about the ruination of our great country. Once gay and dog and toaster marriage is legal, our country will cease to function properly, and our society will crumble.
Gay marriage is a fairly new conception. Everyone knows that homosexuality was invented in the late sixties by the German scientist Franz-Johan von Gleichfals. Straight marriage, however, has been around a long, long time, and it hasn't changed at all since its founding. Women are still considered property just as they were in the formative years of the concept of marriage. Blacks still cannot marry whites. Divorce is still illegal. If you marry a woman under the impression she is a virgin, then find out otherwise, you can stone her to death. These are all ancient yet relevant laws of marriage that are still around to this day, and one of those laws is that a man cannot marry a man.
If gay marriage is allowed, then straight marriage will be less meaningful. Now, when a man and a woman marry, it's special, because not everyone can do that. But if gay marriage is allowed, then the sanctity of marriage will be undone. The holiness of Newt Gingrich's many marriages and Britney Spears' fifty-five-hour marriage will be destroyed. People like Kim Kardashian, who marry a professional athlete and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and film the wedding process to be viewed by dozens of Americans and make gazillions of dollars, only to get divorced seventy-two days later, will no longer be the pinnacles of our society. The focus will be on the wacky, insane, crazy homosexual marriages.
Another reason that gay marriage should not be legal is because it does not produce children. Marriage is for procreation. If we say that marriage is not for procreation, then what's to stop a father from marrying his daughter? They could do it simply for any tax breaks. It wouldn't be for procreation, that wouldn't even be a part of it, it would simply be for cheaper car insurance for the daughter and possibly the father. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because we don't yet have enough children in the world, and marriage should only be for the creation of more children.
There is a glaringly obvious reason why gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry. Once they marry, they will decide they want children. When they take our children, they will raise them to be gay. Everyone knows that gay parents will only raise gay children, just as straight parents only raise straight children. Homosexuality is a taught behavior, one that is learned from exposure. After Doctor Gleichfals concluded his initial tests, he was ready to move onto human testing. Unfortunately, he could not foresee the effects this would have. His first experiment, a young bartender named Victor, taught the behavior to his roommate, then to a bar patron, and they began teaching people, until it spread to encompass the thousands it now afflicts. If gay people have children, it will be all the easier for them to teach it, and it will spread faster.
In our theocratic society, the values of the one true religion are imposed on the entire country. Gay marriage is not supported by America's sole religion. Therefore, it should not be legal. The Church and the State are united, and make laws in concordance with each other, as it has always been since the days of the Founding Fathers. On our money, it says 'In God we trust'. In God's book it says that for a man to lie with another man is an abomination. If we trust in God, then why are we fighting amongst ourselves about a topic which is so obviously already dealt with? All we must do is simply read God's words that were recorded about 300 years after the death of Jesus Christ.
Quite possibly the most important reason to ban gay marriage once and for all is our children. I have already outlined why gay parents should not be allowed to have children, but there's another reason to it. Everyone knows that children can never be successful, productive members of society without both a male and a female role model in their lives. The up-rearing of children has always been done by a man and a woman. We as a society forbid, beyond the shadow of a doubt, any other scenario that does not have a child being raised by one member of both genders. Single parents and gay couples just don't fit the bill, which is why both are frowned upon.
But the simplest reason is that gay marriage will change the foundation of our society. Gay marriage, as I have stated in paragraph five, is a relatively new concept, which would change social norms. We'd never be able to adapt to a new social norm. That's why we have the same lifespans as our ancestors, who lived to the ripe old age of thirty-two, if they didn't get cholera. That's why we haven't adapted to motorized transportation or web-based media. Why we haven't adapted to a government where people make the decisions instead of a tyrant inbred king. And why we could never adapt to gay marriage.
I hope you'll take my words to heart and join me in my crusade to stop this horrendous trend sweeping the nation. Like Bieber Fever before it, it's just a craze that will soon pass, I'm sure, but until then corrupt senators may attempt to alter the laws that are holding this country together, and may legalize this ungodly act. I cannot, dare not think about the impact this would have on our great, sovereign nation. It scares me to think of the world my children will live in should gay marriage be legal. So please, join me, and together we can stop it before it's too late.