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 The bravery within.... 
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Bug Catcher
Bug Catcher
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Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2008 2:59 pm
Posts: 3
Living all by himself, young Chucky was on his way home from the Petalburg City library when he suddenly tripped being his clumsy self. "Chic chic" came a sound from below. Yes it was a little pokemon that Chucky had encountered."Hey it's a torchic my buddy was talking about. The torchic then pecked his sharp beak at Chucky's leg."Oow! why you do that, how about you come with me". So Chucky and his new companion went along to his house. Up ahead was Zack a more experienced trainer than Chucky. "Well look at you, finally caught a pokemon, was it hard for you to throw a poke ball?". Chucky never threw a poke ball to catch torchic. Zack pushed Chucky and told him to battle right now. But torchic and Chucky never were in a battle and neither of them knew what to do. Torchic began to growl at Zack while he released his determined seedot. Seedot was twice as strong then torchic and was a uneven match. Little do Chucky know that you have to command your pokemon. "Bulletseed!!" called Zack. "Run out the way torchic!" cried Chucky. Suprisingly torchic was able to avoid seedot's first attack but never seen the second coming. "You two are pathetic" Zack laughed. Torchic must of felt embarassed and his face grew red. Torchic immediately blew out flames from his mouth and struck seedot. "What was that?!" cried Zack. Seedot began wining and scurried away. Zack ran after him. "Wow! that was amazing torchic, seems like we better start working as a team" Chucky said with a big smile. The two headed on home to tell his friends about torchic................

Sun Nov 09, 2008 4:12 pm
Ace Trainer
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Joined: Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:09 am
Posts: 408
Location: In his imagination, imaginating things.
I have a few suggestions:
1) Paragraghs please. It really helps to make it look much more organized.
2) Grammar check. Type it up in your everyday friendly neighborhood word processor and try grammar check. it helps locate missing words and other glaring mistakes.
3) Work with the words. Rather than being obvious and saying "Seedot was twice as strong then torchic and was a uneven match." be more subtle, for example, "Zack's Seedot was huge, almost twice as large as Torchic. Torchic cowered in fear as Seedot let loose its first attack."
Of course that could do with a little more work, but it's just a short example.
4) Add details. How old is Chucky? Is there a reason why he lives alone? Descriptions descriptions descriptions.
5) Try again. I'm not trying to be negative; this could potentially be a cool story. However, you may want to consider rewriting, using this (what you have posted) as a base. Rework some sentences, add more fluff and details, add paragraghs.

I like the idea. Your dialogue is also pretty good. Zack comes off as a real jerk, and i think that's how you wanted it to be.

{absol} {gardevoir} {salamence} {crobat} {skitty} {glaceon}
yay skitty!
olim est virgo Troiana
quae incensus cogitat grama esse bonus.
incendit per noctam,
et sic excitavit;
invenit veru magnum ano.

Sun Nov 09, 2008 8:38 pm
Psychic Trainer
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Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2009 7:01 am
Posts: 61
Location: Lala Land,USA
Bravo! Bravo!

This is really good!
But,I agree with lordtomato;you DO need a few improvememts.

You get all that figured out,and you've got yourself a fine story in the making.

May I suggest that you add in few more details and expand the vocabulary used in the story?

For example instead of using "pretty" repeatedly (not that you would use this word in your story LOL),you should change it to using pretty along with beautiful,gorgeous,admirable,fantastic,etc.

This would make things even better!

{charizard} Flame loves it too! :D


My new Dark dragon,Chaos!

Wed Mar 11, 2009 9:27 am
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