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 The wrath of telekonesis 
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OK, my teacher said that I should try something new, so I decided to start writing, this my first ever piece of literature so please don't be too mean about me when you comment on it. I will edit this post later to post the rest of this chapter. (the story line and characters are the same as the ones in my role play, so what I write here will also happen there). also I the reason I'm posting this is so I can get some feedback, suggestions, grammatical mistakes, spelling mistakes. just don't read without posting at least something, please.

Human slaves in a Pokemon nation


Intro letter[center]

Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? The story of my journey is not for the faint of heart, and if somebody told you this was a happy little tale, just like all the other kids Pokemon books you’ve read, then somebody lied, because I assure you there is pain in this book, evil pain and death. Still want to know? Alright, but like all great tales worth telling, this story begins with innocence. That’s me: innocent. This is my story.


[center]Chapter 1:the beginning


The waves are crashing against the rocks, the spray of the ocean is trickling down my face. I cower in fear as a large shadowed figure looms over me. His one good red eye stares down at me, as if boring a hole into my brain.

“NO, DON’T DO IT!!” I scream as the monster raises his terrible sword. I brace myself as he prepares to strike. Down comes the horrific weapon as quick as lightning. I quickly shut my eyes. All I can feel is my self shaking side to side, vibrating even. And then a noise was heard:”brrzzmp”.

Merek slowly opens his eyes, and stares straight into a bright green compound eye, “ROCKET, get off the bed, and stop vibrating”, rocket was Merek’s pet vibrava, (if you don’t already know what a vibrava is, it’s a small green insectoid Pokemon, that vibrates continuously making a soft buzzing sound.), rocket gave merek a whiny buzzing whimper, as if to say”come on Merek”. “Alright I’ll get up” said Merek, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he looks at the clock by his bedside table, “better start getting ready for school” he thinks. He lazily puts on his white sweater, then he struggles to pull his favorite jeans on, “so they’re a little tight” , ignoring his hair, he checks himself in the mirror before he sets out, looking back at him, he saw two piercing hazel eyes staring back at him, he was tall, thin, good structured body ,but the most exceptional factor of his appearance was his hair, it was as white as snow, and was always sticking out in all directions, he liked it like that. When he finally managed to tear himself away from the mirror, he made his way downstairs to the kitchen. The kitchen was as always, empty. You see Merek has no parents; they were brutally killed by a short Pokemon, which held a knife in one hand, merek swore revenge on whatever that thing was, but when he told the authorities what he saw, they merely laughed at him,”hah,a Pokemon that harms humans” that’s what they said. But now’s not the time for old memories, he was going to be late for school. He quickly grabbed a bag of rice balls, called rocket to his side and quickly left the house. A bright light greeted him outside; it took him a few minutes to adjust his eyes. It was a bright summers day, the people were busy going about their business, and the noisy bustle of the street gave Merek a new sense of being, he absolutely loved the noise of people, it made him feel less lonely than he already was.
***********

Merek pushed through the bustling crowd outside Silva.co, “what’s all the excitement about he wonders”, he spots rocket sitting on a large red billboard, which had the words written on it in large yellow letters “New pokepilot, coming soon. “ah that’s what this must me about”. He looks down at rocket, who silently flew down to walk next to him, rocket had bright green spotless wings, which shone in the sunlight like two pearls, his big compound eyes looked at you in a way that makes you fell that the two of you are the only two beings in existence, he was a loyal companion, and a great friend. Merek first met rocket when he went on a school trip with his friends, he got lost between the dunes and started crying, but then rocket(who was only a trapinch)emerged out of the ground, and approached merek and licked his hand, then rocket led Merek back to his group, Merek and rocket were friends ever since.
Now merek could see the school in the distance, “sensei is gonna kill me” he thought. But he was surprised to see the rest of the students loitering outside.....to be continued(when I come up with the rest)


Last edited by Zombie on Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:05 am, edited 2 times in total.



Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:46 pm
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Intro Letter


Quote:
Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? The story of my journey is not for the faint of heart, and if somebody told you this was a happy little tale, just like all the other kids pokemon books you’ve read, then somebody lied, because I assure you there is pain in this book, evil pain and death. Still want to know? Alright, but like all great tales worth telling, this story begins with innocence. That’s me: innocent. This is my story.


Some grammer errors, esspecially at the very end. But this is actually pretty good.

Chapter 1


Present tense? I'm not going to criticise you on that, but in general, it is usually better to go with past tense. It flows a bit better.

Quote:
The waves are crashing against the rocks, the spray of the ocean is trickling down my face.* I cower in fear as a large shadowed figure looms over me.* His one good red eye stares down at me, as if boring a hole into my brain.*

“NO, DON’T DO IT!!” I scream as the monster raises his terrible sword.* I brace myself as he prepares to strike.


I usually bold when dealing with grammer errors, but I put asteriks instead, seeing as most of the errors were with periods.

Quick grammer lesson: Whenever a person speaks, it starts a new paragraph.

Quote:
Down comes the horrific weapon as quick as lightning.* I quickly shut my eyes. All I can feel is my self shaking side to side, vibrating even. And then a noise was heard:”brrzzmp”.


I'm going to have to tell you now that your style needs a bit of work. What I see a lot here is "I did this, he did this, it did this, this happened". The sentences you gave were fine, but they were incorrectly formatted, and when the words were properly spaced, the sentences were short and choppy.

You do show promise. With work, you can become great. Just work on what I mentioned and we'll see what we can address next.

Oh, one more thing I noticed as I skimmed through the rest: You need to be consistent with tenses and POVs. You switch between past and present tense, and you switch between first and third person.

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Thu Oct 30, 2008 2:59 pm
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Just a tip, thunder_dude, its grammar, when spelled right it makes you seem credible. :O

Its literature, not litiriture, but at least you caught it, and then didn't correct it.

Don't GO IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE ITS REALLY ANNOYING TO READ TRY ITALICIZING, IT HELPS.

I like the pretense of "Human Slaves in a Pokémon World" though, its fun and playful with the fact that humans use Pokémon and flipping it seems interesting, I look forward to seeing where you go with this.

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Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:55 pm
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thunder_dude, thank you so much, I would never put that much work into correcting some one else's work, but when you say that the actions are bland"he did this, I did that..." could you help me by giving me better sentences, and yeah I know, I'm a grammatical moron, but be fair, I'm not an original english speaker. I thought I'd jump to the third person narrative when Merek is having a dream, or writing a letter(I thought it was symbolistic)
and thanks for your help popler.

If anyone has any suggestions about what happens next, they will be greatly appreciated, I'm stuck at what merek says to the other students and what they say back.


Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:46 pm
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Quote:
...when you say that the actions are bland"he did this, I did that..." could you help me by giving me better sentences...


Absolutly!

Now, first of all, compound sentences are your friend. If you don't know what compound sentences are, here's the same piece of writing, one with simple sentences, and one with compound.

Quote:
The girl ran up the stairs. Her dog dashed across the yard.


Quote:
The girl ran up the stairs as her dog dashed across the yard.


In a sentence, there are two main parts: The subject, which is the noun that is performing the action, and the predicate, which is the action. Look at the first example:

Quote:
The girl ran up the stairs. Her dog ran across the yard.


I highlighted the different parts.

Now, the defining thing about compound sentences is that they have either two subjects or two predicates. Not nessesarily both.

Now, here's an example of the beginning of chapter one with compound sentences. This is me using past tense, because it's what comes more naturally to me.
Quote:

Waves crashed against the rock, spraying water that trickled down my face. A large, shadowed figure stood above me as I cowered in fear, laying on the ground. One of his eyes was severed, but the second stared at me, as if he were trying to shoot a lazer through my brain.

"No!" I shouted as he raised his sword, bracing myself for the oncoming blow. The weapon came down at me, so fast that it could have been cutting the air in two. I shut my eyes, only about to feel my entire body shaking. As I lay there, confused and scared, I heard a noise...

"Brrzmp".


That's how I'd have written it. I hate it when people do that, but it's nessesary sometimes.

One quick thing I'd like to address:

Quote:
Down comes the horrific weapon as quick as lightning.


Have you ever heard the term "Cliche"? Basically, it means that something is such a good idea and works so well that it becomes overused and boring. "Quick as lightning" is an example of a cliche simile. Here are some other examples:

Blue as the sea
Cold as ice
White as snow

Try and come up with more original similes and metaphors.

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Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:57 pm
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