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Pokemon Ranger
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Writer's Corner: Whew, it's been awhile! Well, I'm procrastinating on homework, so I decided that I'd finish and post a drabble that I'd started a couple months back. <_<;; Anyway, I'm not revealing the true title of this because it's a perspective on a character that goes hand-in-hand with another character that I haven't decided what I wanted to do with yet. Anyway, let's get on with it.

"Untitled"


The forest that had been a sanctuary of peace erupted with live. The oldest, and largest, predator was still on the move. It had eaten its fill and was heading to its watery home to sleep it off. Obstacles on the forest floor were ignored as it glided through the trees. A forked tongue flicked out now and again, testing the air, smelling for anything of interest, namely a quick snack.

The giant snake wound its way around ancient trees that had been there for nearly as long as the monster itself. It had seen this forest grow: been there for births and deaths. The great reptile had contributed a considerable number of deaths. In its defense, a daemon did need to eat.

The lake, that the daemon called home, was close; the smell of fresh water tickled his nose and tongue. Along its path, was what a human would call a warehouse that had been built and abandoned ages ago, but the daemon would swear that it was only yesterday. The reasons for it were lost on all but those that wanted the dilapidated structure built in the first place. There was nothing special about the old concrete walls. An event, of high interest to the snake, did happen within the bland walls, though. That, however, was history, and all the massive snake wanted to do was sleep. Reminiscing was not on its "to do" list.

The wind changed direction and carried a scent that the snake rarely encountered. This very scent was such a surprise, that the snake stopped in its tracks. A human was in its woods. It had been years since the last humans had come here. What possessed one of that strange species to be here, now?

It turned its massive body in the direction of the fleshy being and rose its head off the ground. The snake could hear a voice in the background but it was further away than the scent it was so focused on. The bushes shuffled and the sight of a small pink hand greeted the snake as it pushed through the foliage. Soon, more of the mammal came into view until the snake could see it without a single leaf in the way.

The human's eyes widened a bit when it spotted the reptile only a few yards away, but they did not scream or cry out. It merely stared, and the snake felt obliged to stare back. The human was small, a child more than likely, but that's not what fascinated the snake. It was blood.

Blood was one of those things that stuck to a being that had been...touched by it. The snake, like most predators, was saturated by it. What it couldn't comprehend was: why there was so much blood on this young human and why most of it was on the child's hands...Its large eyes honed in on the two appendages and the human's reaction was instantaneous.

The child's breathing picked up as it followed the snake's gaze. After confirming that the reptile was scrutinizing its hands, the child's eyes teared up. They were shaking by the time the snake glanced back to the child's face. Then, all of a sudden, the child bolted and ran back the way they came.

The snake, too stunned to do anything else, looked off in the direction that the child went in. As a predator, the snake knew that it was intimidating, but it didn't scare the child. The ancient creature resumed its earlier route and as it slid into the cold waters of its home it came to a conclusion almost as confusing as the encounter. The child acted as though they were scared of themselves: of the blood on its hands.

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Thu Sep 04, 2008 8:07 pm
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Ace Trainer
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Wow, strange, but a good kind of strange.
I wonder if the child... Killed anyone?

Reptiles {seviper} <3

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Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:14 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Quote:
The oldest, and largest, predator was still on the move.


This read a bit awkwardly. I don't know why, but it did. You might want to re-word it.

Quote:
It had seen this forest grow: been there for births and deaths.


Same here. Try reworking this a bit.

Quote:
The reasons for it were lost on all but those that wanted the dilapidated structure built in the first place.


I had to read this a couple times to see what you meant. Rework this a bit.

Quote:
An event, of high interest to the snake, did happen within the bland walls, though.


Remove the first two commas and this will flow a bit better.

Quote:
The bushes shuffled and the sight of a small pink hand greeted the snake as it pushed through the foliage.


Why is the hand pink? Blood is red.

Quote:
What it couldn't comprehend was: why there was so much blood on this young human and why most of it was on the child's hands...Its large eyes honed in on the two appendages and the human's reaction was instantaneous.


Remove the colon at the beginning. The part after the "..." was jumbled up a bit.

Overall

Nice work. I was very picky. I had to be to catch any of these mistakes, as they are all very minor. Other than these, I found the piece very mysterious and interesting. A nice break from women blowing up shopping malls.

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Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:20 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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You've never heard of skin being described as pink (I never said anything about blood literally being on the child now did I)? I only wrote like one or two about malls getting blown up. <_<;;

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Sat Sep 06, 2008 3:41 pm
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Crimson, I always seem to like your work, and I have to say this is one of your better ones... even though it's one of your shorter. You thinkin of adding onto it?


Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:50 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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This is just a perspective story. Like I said in my first post, this is about two characters that I haven't decided what to do with yet. What I mean is that even though both of them are fairly worked out as characters I don't know anything about the story line that I'd want them in. I'm even playing around with making a comic (I play around with that idea a lot regardless of the story), but I'd want to work on my cartooning style more.

This was hard to write because I kept typing out their genders, and I'd have to delete it. I didn't want to give that away.

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Sat Sep 06, 2008 8:54 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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I never said anything about blood literally being on the child now did I?


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...there was so much blood on this young human...


Yes, you did.

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Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:43 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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No, I know it might not make much sense right now but I tried to explain it..

Quote:
Blood was one of those things that stuck to a being that had been...touched by it. The snake, like most predators, was saturated by it. What it couldn't comprehend was: why there was so much blood on this young human and why most of it was on the child's hands...Its large eyes honed in on the two appendages and the human's reaction was instantaneous.


That doesn't mean that there is litterally blood dripping off of the child. Just that they were "touched" by a lot of it at some point, so it "stuck."

Also, think about this, there's never a lot of blood on snakes. They don't make a mess when eating the way lions or wolves do. So, if there was literally blood here, why would the snake be saturated in it?

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Fri Sep 26, 2008 8:52 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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If the blood wasn't dripping from the child, it would still be "on" the child.

Sorry. Me being horrendously picky. Again.

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Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:02 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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And when I said that I was exaggerating. I think you missed the point I made about the snake.

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Sat Sep 27, 2008 8:42 am
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Wha...oh. Yes, I did...

Now I'm going to be thinking about this all day...

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Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:52 am
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