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 Cleansing Warswick: Prologue (T) 
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Ace Trainer
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Ok, haven't posted my work in forever, go easy! I have a proffesional cite where I post for critisism but if you feel the need, go easy.

Ok, After reading more it's a good thing I tell you a bit about Cleansing Warswick!
Genre: Science Fiction/Military/Action
Rating: T (For violence, some language, and overall reading level
Overveiw: After the small, newly colonized planet Warswick is found to hold a deeply unnerving secret, Humanity could be left in grave danger. After a battle-gone-wrong, Soldiers from the Faction The Hand of God, a rebel group fighting against injustice of their home planet, and the main human force, the Linked Earth Worlds (LEW), have to work together to make it out of a cave alive. After a run-in with the "Third Kind", they must decide to live, or attempt to save the planet of Warswick, and potentially all of human kind.
Completion Scale: Complete! I completed it a while ago, and I'm actually working on 2, count 'em, 2 books now, one is the sequal to this book.










Rebuz looked at the council members before him. All was dark, and he couldn’t see their faces. He knew it was time for him to give his views and testament. So, he stepped forward into the spotlight and started.

“A long time ago, in the year 2516, human kind had reached a wall.” He started, “This wall was space, on their home world, Earth, all knowledge and discoveries were made, and they had made all available means of colonizing. They had also colonized their moon, and the nearby planet of Mars. Here they made a discovery, a sign… of life; a lone alien corpse. Though long gone and decayed, they could not deny its importance. The discovery of the corpse was kept secret… for a long time.

After, humans tended to make even more discoveries very rapidly. It was the year 2734 when all of the known planets of human space were colonized, most of them to their extent. Then, three years later; the human race had, what they call, a “baby boom”. The race seemed to have multiplied over night. The population of human space was growing. When they started making their way to other solar systems, it was apparent they meant business to explore and learn.

It is now the year 3140, and humans have again reached a wall. This, what we call the Void. Humans begin they’re usual antics of landing, scouting, researching, then excavating. It is curious how even though they’re strange wars with one another happen so close to their home worlds and they’re civilians and cities, they always send in their armies and scientists before colonizing. Even we know what they seek… or fear.

It is the year 3146, and what we have feared came true. The humans found the stone of Rejaku. If they, too, find the ruins of Warrin then they may release the beasts we had encountered on our exploits. Though unknown, it is obvious that the humans could not stand up to our expectations of even our weakest warrior and we must act before they become enslaved forever.

Lucky for us, it appears yet another war is happening to their kind that may slow them down. Though it may slow them down, if they get to that temple then they could release the force. I, Coinshack Rebuz, ask the council for a dedication of war. If we strike the human force, even just to get the stone, then we may delay their mistake for centuries more.”

The council members all whispered to one another, then the head councilmen stood, and looked at Rebuz.

“Coinshack Rebuz, we will study your evidence and converse in private. As for now, no action is to be taken and we keep our invisibility and stay hidden from them. That’ll be all.”

Rebuz hung his head in disappointment; he silently prayed that they would come to a decision soon.


-----------
They’re footsteps were hard and they panted harder as they ran south west to cover. They jumped into an artillery hole and stayed cover. One of the figures looked over, a C-17S Sniper Rifle in their hands.

“Are we being followed?” asked another, who was very thin and smaller then the other two.

“I don’t see them, but you know how they work,” Said the first with the sniper, who seemed to have a more feminine voice.

The third looked around, he held a M8-7 Assault Rifle in his hands. He, like the others, wore very dirty clothes, the bottom layer of standard cloth with the over layer a thin layer of Leather. The first two wore brief areas of armor, shoulder pads and various types of helmet. The third wore the most, with no helmet but metal armored shoulder pads and chest plate. He has armored leggings, combat boots, and a Captain’s insignia on his left shoulder.

He ran his fingers through his dirty, brown hair, cut short for military purposes. He brought out a tubular object and pressed a button on the side.

“Date: January 4th, 3151. That would be… a year, four months, and two days after E-Day,” Whispered the third.

“Why do you always have to do that?” the skinny one wined, he seemed jumpy and alert.

The third looked at him and raised his eyebrows saying, “Well if I die how will the person who found this know what happened after yesterdays fiasco with your socks?”

The small man just glared at the bigger one and turned around, pointing his Assault Rifle toward an old park bench. The older man chuckled and pushed the button again.

“It is 3:30 and my team has fled our recent mission after a sighting of a Lurker. We feared being scene and in our escape we ran across a Gilgathon Pack. I lost almost all of my squad and we were forced to flee. Fearing being scene by either the L.E.W. or Gilgathons we head back to checkpoint B.”

“Sir, movement to the north!” said the sniper wielding one.

All of the three soldiers turned and pointed their guns toward the north. They saw nothing but a pile of old vehicles; a bus, two sports cars, and countless regular ones, all burned away by Lancers. Then they heard it again. They stayed still, and then the Captain put up his hand and then separated the thumb from the rest of his fingers, then made a two signal with his hand and pointed the Index and Middle fingers at the pile. The smaller man gave a heavy sigh while the sniper nodded. All three jumped from the artillery whole and crouch-ran to the pile. Then they started carefully inspecting each of the vehicles.

The sniper wielding one slung their sniper on their back and drew a pistol, A Mark IV, strapped to their waist. As she checked each car, she came across the bus. She looked in side, spotting a left behind Mark VI pistol and a variety of bullet shells on the floor.

“Captain” she said.

The captain came over, he looked into the bus.

“Definably L.E.W.,” he said, then he spotted pools of blood on the floor and said, “There was a fight, but where are the wounded or dead?”

The smaller man ran up and looked into the bus, he felt a drop of something on his head and he looked up.

“Ugh!” he exclaimed, and he jumped back.

The captain looked up at the bus ceiling, spotting patches of blood their, too.

“No L.E.W. weaponry or any of ours can do that, captain,” said the girl.

The captain nodded, knowing that it must have been an attack of Gilgathons, probably a Wargler pack. He then turned around and spotted something in one of the cars. Cloth. His eyebrows scrunched together and he walked over to it. When he got close enough to look inside he saw it was a blanket, a bundle. He reached in and picked it up, he uncovered it to discover a body of a child, a boy about three months old. The girl came over and looked at it.

“Aw, he’s only a baby.” She exclaimed, removing her helmet to show long, dark hair and a dirty, smiling face.

“A baby? Why would L.E.W. bring a baby here?” said the smaller man.

“Civilians?” questioned the captain, who looked at the baby.

He took of the cloth and examined it’s back, a mark of a planet and two American Bald Eagles was there, with the letters L.E.W. underneath it. The captain nodded.

“Yep, a certified citizen,” commented the Captain, who started wrapping the child up again.

As he did so, the child’s right arm fell out, showing another mark, one of the prehistoric dinosaur known as a Velociraptor. The captain’s eyes were fixed on it, he held his breathe. The girl soldier looked at the captain, and then at the child’s arm and gasped. The scrawny man also looked at the shoulder, seeing the mark, he had a puzzled look on his face.

“What?” said the scrawny man.
The Captain covered it back up and looks out towards the south west. He nodded and looked through the blankets at the baby’s little sleeping face.

“So what are we going to do with him?” asked the girl.

The captain sighed before saying, “I don’t know, Clara.”

He held the baby close and the baby started to squirm a bit and started fussing. He started shushing it and patted its back. A menacing howl was heard from afar, the captain ducked and the other two point their guns toward the sound. The smaller man starts panting again and looks around nervously.

“Oh no… a Lurker!” he nervously said.

“Don’t worry”, whispered the captain, “He can’t see us. He can only hear and smell us. Come on, we wasted enough time as it is. Let’s go.”

All three of the soldiers got up and started a walking jog toward their checkpoint B.


EDIT: Crap, it looks bad.... H/O I'll try to fix it!


2nd EDIT: Ok, I think I fixed it...

ok, If you want I can do a comentary later on on what I was trying to do. This DOES have a little different feel then the rest of the book, but it sets the pace.


Sat Aug 09, 2008 1:48 pm
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Ok, since this is just thr prologue, I decided that maybe I should do my last update on it and do my commentary. Feel free to post, and please note that the real book does has it's own thread, I thank the kind members for making sure I knew to keep it in one thread. Ok, now for this.

Ok, over all, I sat down and said, "What do I want in a book that's ALL mine." I sat down and just began writing. It was actually pretty fun, then when I was done, I realized that "Part one" was done in a more third person way, like someone was watching. That's when the Elvidions were made, a large and advanced alien species that whatches over us. Then I had a "Pilot" chapter. I looked at it, and built the entire book off it. From the ground up I built my universe. the Linked Earth Worlds, the Hand of God, Gilgathons, Elvidions, and everything. I have something I call my "Info" sheet which is a word document filled with everything. It's like an encyclopedia of my world. I took that, and built my book. Characters, their attitudes, the quest, the ending, everything.

Then I finalized the "Pilot Chapter" and decided it made a good Prologue, which is what you have before you today. It became a major part in the entire book, and in turn, the series. Even in the sequal (currently underway) it's stil being looked at.

Now, to look at the book. First, we look through the eyes of one of the few major characters of the book, Rebuz. As you read through the book, you'll notice there are only a few characters whose eyes you see from. The major three are Ruben, the main character, Frank, a LEW Marine, and Rebuz, who's your main insight into the Elvidion culture. There are only a few more, Captain Onyx and Uri, but that's later on. Otherwise, there isn't many times you see from others eyes.

In the beggining, you see a speech Rebuz is making to the Elvidion council, made up of the Protice. The Protice are just like Zul' Nugul, which needs explaining. The main force of the Elvidions are the Zul' nugul. They make up the majority, hands down, of everything. They are, let's say, the "Basic" Elvidion. Now, throughout time, Elvidions have changed to better suit their assets. The Protice are smaller, weaker, and all around smarter of the Elvidions. They are often elader, expecially religious leaders. As you will see, Elvidions are very bent over religion, their faith incredibly simalar to that of human christianity and Judism.

Rebuz explains the history of Human/Elvidion relations, and mainly explains Human history throughout time in our space exploration. In the end, he arrives at the main point, the backbone of the book. He talks of human movements on Warswick. As he discusses the dangers, you get to see how reluctant the Elvidions are to "expose" themselves to the human race.

In the end, Rebuz is almost thrown aside to await "Discussion". This shows how the issue on Warswick was allowed to occur.

---
Now we switch to see Captain Onyx. We notice one of Jack's quirks, his constant recording of everything. This quirk was decided as to hard to continue, and was actually dropped for the rest of the book. Other then that, the basic character layout is the same. You see Leroy's fear of Gilgathons, which almost completley overwhelms him. That's one of his major personality traits. He's a good soldier against LEW, but almost completely falls apart in the face of Gilgathons. You see Clara's leaderhsip, like traits, which carries on throughout the the book and eventually plays a big part in the sequal.

You get a small sense of the destruction on Warswick, as they overlook a LEW colony city, destroyed by the Gilgathon War, and it's major highway still littered with cars of those who tried to escape. They discover the distruction of the first Gilgathon you are introduced to, the Wargler. The Wargler is a smaller, more primative Gilgathons. The second your introduced to is the mighty Lurker, who is discussed mroe in the Prologue.

The major part of this is the discovery of the main character, Baby Ruben. You start to see Jack's risk in taking him, and Clara and Leroy's reaction to him. This leaves it open for the first chapter.

Go to the Cleansing Warswick Thread to read more, but since this is only the prologue I won't delve any further into it. Thanks so much for reading, that's all that will be new in this thread. Feel free to respond, and I will answer questions. But if you wish to delve into the Cleansing Warswick worlds or about other chapters, keep those in the main thread. Thank you, and God-Bless.


Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:59 pm
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Overall, your grammatically sound (which is what I usually focus on). You have a few typos here and there so just go back and proof read it. Take your time because one of the words that popped out at me was a homophone.

The part at the very beginning with Rebuz kind of annoyed me. While I didn't mind learning about when and the events prior to the start of the story, I didn't like how it was lumped together. I thin that it would've been better spread out.

Then there's the thing about the Velociraptor...They're in the distant future, chances are they aren't going to recognize a birthmark like that anyway. It would've been better if you described it as a strange creature, or something like that. Besides, at this point it seems kinda hokey. It's like you couldn't resist stating some all important element in your story and had two people have a physiological reaction to it.

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Tue Sep 09, 2008 8:44 am
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Thanks for your reply. I really like getting constructive (and yay or nay) feedback. Note that this is different, and has a very different feel of my actual book even though I tried to keep it as close as possible.

Now, about the Raptor thing. Raptor haven't been aorund for millions of years, yes? Yet we still remember them. I assume that the knowledge of Dinosaurs as been passed down in the distant future. BTW, YES! The Raptor thing is very important. Not as much story wise, but it holds a deep meaning in the future. It's not a random thing I put in there, it does have meaning. It'll be explained... well... somewhat in the story. If not, I'll try to do my best in the commentaries.

All-In-All thanks for reading, Crimson. If you'd like to continue, my book is posted in its thread. Just follow my posting thing in the beggining (so I can understand what you've read/know and I understand you) and try to see if commentaries are out for the chapter you're reading. That reminds me, it's probably time for a new chapter.


Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:13 pm
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The future that you're talking about is over a thousand years in the future, though. Then you also have to add that dinosaurs were on Earth, and humans have been on various other planets for may generations. The knowledge-base for dinosaurs shrinks ever more than. I know most people only know of a lot of dinosaurs because of the Jurassic Park movies. There also haven't been a time elapse of a thousand years of when fossils were first discovered. So, let's say that these people (of the very distant future, born and raised on a planet far far away) knew of dinosaurs. There isn't any reason for them to know that the mark on the child's arm is of a velociraptor. Velociraptors are dromaeosaurid theropod (I probably spelled something wrong) dinosaurs, there are more than just this one species. In one of my books, the other three that they show (although I'm sure that there are more) look similar. The untrained (as in non-paleontologist or overly-avid-fan) eye is not going to be able to look at a mark and say what kind of dinosaur something is.

It's fine that it's of some importance. My point is, that stating what kind of dinosaur the mark was of, is what made it hokey.

I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't need commentary to explain something in your actual text. If you didn't explain it well in the text, then you need to go back and work at it. This is a book, the reader should be able to read it through and understand what's happening for the most part. If they don't, then they'll stop reading. In book form, most people aren't going to read something on top of the story itself just to finish the book. So, just think about that.

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Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:15 am
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I'm aware of the commentary thing, but mostly they're an extra to give you a more in-depth look at the world. OBVIOUSLY I didn't right a book so confusing you need to read another short-like story. And I understand your conserns and I take them to heart but understand that the sign does have a purpose and it intends to be shown throughout the book. Again, I thank you for your imput.


Tue Sep 16, 2008 3:02 pm
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No, it's not so obvious since you wrote "right" instead of "write" and "scene" instead of "seen" (in the prologue). You need to work on your homophones.

I don't care about the symbol having significance. It could save the world for all I care. My point, this entire time, has been about the way you introduced it. I don't think that you really get what I've been trying to say. I think that your just giving me lip-service and getting in a fit. Maybe I'm wrong, and interpreting your tone incorrectly. Even if you don't agree, which is also fine, at least try to pretend that you're trying to look at it from a reader's point of view.

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Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:45 pm
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Please don't misinterpret me, I never meant to sound agitated. I understand it's not perfect because I wrote it and never reread it except once or twice and fixed what I pick up. It doesn't matter how many times I reread and fix things, I always find something else the next time. I do look alot from the reader's point of view, and every single bit of advice, even if I disagree (not saying I do with you, for you make good points I'll take to heart) I keep in mind, why? Because I'm not the writing God and I understand it doesn't matter if I think the stories gold, because it isn't me who's opinion I'm looking for.
I hope that anything misinterpreted earlier didn't sour any relationship we had. I don't not find you anoying or misleading. You are a great writer who brings great points. May that be enough of spam in this thread BUT BY ALL MEANS, PM me if you wish to continue. My feelings will not change in our Private Discussions, I find your imput helpful and, in alot of cases, true.


Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:34 pm
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