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 Pokemon Antebellum 
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Bug Catcher
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Okay, so this is a fan fiction I've been writing for almost a year now, and I have about 11 chapters, some of which I'm rewriting, to post. But before anything, since I'm not entirely certain if ya'll want to read it or not, I'll post the Prologue and see if anyone is interested to see what happens next.


Prologue

“It happened too fast! I know I could’ve saved him if I only knew! It’s all my fault!” a giant red dragon/bird hybrid cried. She was talking to a small pink mouse that was only shaking her head.

“Latias for the last time! You are NOT at fault here. Latios died not because of you, but because of all of the legendaries! It’s our fault the war started! It’s our fault that Latios, Ho-oh, and Zapdos-” Mew said, but was interrupted by a bird that appeared to be lit on fire.

“ZAPDOS IS NOT DEAD!!!” Moltres bellowed.

“You can deny it all you want Moltres, but it’s only true-” Mew began.

“Zapdos ‘disappeared.’ He didn’t ‘die.’ There’s a big difference,” a blue bird, with a beautiful flowing tail that appeared as a scarf, said. Articuno and Moltres were as much over the disappearance of Zapdos as Latias was over Latios. There was a pause, in which a long green winged snake descended next to them. Accompanying him were a Pokemon that looked like a little white cloaked Pokemon with a yellow square hat with streamers on the corners, and a large yellow cape, and a white bird with spiky feathers on its back, a blue belly, and it’s eyes looked slanted enough to make it look vicious.

“Oh come on! You’re taking this too seriously! It’s fine! I’m dealing with Ho-oh’s death fine,” Lugia, the bird, said, almost convincing everyone that it was the truth.

Latias shot a glare at her. “Oh shut up! Ho-oh wasn’t your brother!” she shouted.

“Yeah, but he was my best friend!” Lugia shouted back. Eventually, all of the legendaries began fighting and arguing with one another, except for the caped Pokemon, who’d finally had enough.

“EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!!! We just ended a legendary war; we don’t need another one to start. Haven’t we killed enough people and Pokemon for that matter??” Jirachi said angrily.

The other Pokemon began ignoring each other and looked around as if it was a beautiful view. It was not. All around them, there were buildings that had either been burned, abandoned, or had collapsed. In some areas, there were bodies of humans, and open Poke Balls, even some were closed, with the Pokemon in them never to be let out again. Some Pokemon had even died with their trainers, since they had refused to leave when their masters said “go.” Eventually, Mew spoke up.

“Okay, so someone tell me why Manaphy, Cresselia, Shaymin, Azelf, and Mesprit aren’t here,” he said.

“They didn’t want to travel all this way to get here from Sinnoh,” Articuno said. There was again an awkward silence.

Rayquaza, a long green snake, spoke up moments later to end the silence. “The Regi’s have been put back into their slumber, and Raikou, Entei, and Suicune helped me calm and deposit Kyogre and Groudon to their slumber. Celebi went time-traveling, I don’t know when-” he was interrupted when, what appeared to be an elf with an onion bulb for a head appeared.

“I am back at last!!” Celebi exclaimed. She was always the cheery type, even through the war, so she was upset to see everyone so depressed. “Wow what a welcome.”

“What did you find out?” the two remaining legendary birds, Moltres and Articuno, and Latias asked.

“You all agreed that what I learn on all my trips should be confidential, so I am BEING confidential thank you,” Celebi answered cheerfully. “However,” she continued in a serious voice, “I think you should at least know that there is a boy in the future that can help us out with this little-” she quickly corrected herself by the looks on everyone’s faces, “I mean big problem.”

“A boy? How old?” Lugia inquired.

“Twelve, give or take a few years,” Celebi said.

“How is he going to help us?” Jirachi, the one dressed in yellow, asked.

“One word; confidential,” Celebi responded.

“Rayquaza, it’s your fault for installing that rule,” Articuno said. Rayquaza simply sighed and spoke.

“Alright then Celebi. Now everyone else, try not to start anymore wars, okay?”

“Great enlightening speech,” Mew said sarcastically.

“Shut up Mew. Anyway, apparently this kid is going to be involved in something big in…how long?” Rayquaza asked.

“110 years,” Celebi responded.

“Crap, that’s a long time,” Mew said. Everyone of the Pokemon eventually left to go their own way.

The last Pokemon behind was Celebi, who looked around, sad to see all the Pokemon and their owners dead. She went over to a peculiar purple Poke Ball that had pink stripes on it. A master ball, she thought, how could anyone be so cruel as to use one of these? Celebi knew from experience how horrible Master Balls were. She’d been captured in one before, but luckily escaped. She knew of the feeling of having it thrown towards you, and knowing that there was no hope to run away or escape. She threw the ball and a Typhlosion came out.

“Go free, your trainer is gone,” Celebi said. The Typhlosion bowed his head to thank Celebi, and he left. 110 years left to go, Celebi thought, I’d better make my will.

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Pichu - Pokemon Mansion (Not the Cinnabar One) [That would be my fanfic]


Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:40 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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Quote:
an·te·bel·lum Audio Help /?ænti?b?l?m/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[an-tee-bel-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
before or existing before the war, esp. the American Civil War.

Aaah. That makes more sense now. (the reason its quoted is to help others too)
This is a decent story, however, I'm just waiting to see where you take it, seeing as 'Antebellum' means before a war, so I'm assuming there will be another. :D

Stop with the caps and all the !!!! at the end of the caps, its really obnoxious. Just say

Quote:
“Everyone shut the hell up! We just ended a legendary war; we don’t need another one to start. Haven’t we killed enough people and Pokemon for that matter?” Jirachi said angrily.


Also, you might want to improve your dialog (sp?) as it is, there was some awkward phrasing and this is the one that stuck out the most:
Quote:
“Latias for the last time! You are NOT at fault here. Latios died not because of you, but because of all of the legendaries! It’s our fault the war started! It’s our fault that Latios, Ho-oh, and Zapdos-” Mew said, but was interrupted by a bird that appeared to be lit on fire.


Less Awkward Version wrote:
Latios didn't die because of you, but because of all the legendaries!

A simple fix like that could help your story so much more. Yes yes I know that you were trying to make Mew sound all noble and such, however that's not the way to do it. If you want to read something that makes someone sound noble, read LOTR, specifically the parts about the elves. J.R.R. specifically wrote them to be more elegant and noble than the rest. Try to mimic their style if you want to make your characters sound intelligent and elegant. :)

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Tue Jun 24, 2008 7:16 am
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Bug Catcher
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Thanks, I'll fix those things. However, I'm not trying to make Mew sound noble, I guess I should fix that.

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I'm the not - so - new person. Fear me. please

Quote:
Sometimes I think the meaning of life is to take our minds off of death.
Pichu - Pokemon Mansion (Not the Cinnabar One) [That would be my fanfic]


Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:21 pm
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I'll point out all the minor errors I see. And I mean all, so prepare for me to be 4n4l. =]

Error 1 wrote:
“One word; confidential.” Celebi responded.


It should be a colon, not a semi-colon. Also, there's no reason to use a comma instead of a period.

Error 2 wrote:
"...so I am BEING confidential thank you,” Celebi answered cheerfully.


That should be "...so I am being confidential, thank you."

1) Capitalizing "being" makes it like Celebi shouted it. If all she did was stress the word, indent it.
2) The comma should be there. Without that small pause, it just sounds wrong.
3) Only use a comma at the end of dialog if you're stopping in the middle of a sentence. Otherwise, use a period.

Error 3 wrote:
...help us out with this little-” she quickly corrected herself by the looks on everyone’s faces, “I mean big problem.”


The ending is all I have a problem with. It should be "I mean, big problem." or "I mean, this big problem." To me the latter sounds better. Once again, it sounds wrong without that small pause.

Honestly, you use commas at the end of dialog way too much. Read some of Crimson's work for more info on how exactly to use commas or periods at the end of dialog, and more! Link to her Library: http://www.psypokes.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=14866&start=0

EDIT: Forgot to say, I do hope to see more of this story. Very interesting, I think I'd like it.

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Tue Jun 24, 2008 6:02 pm
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Consider me interested....


Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:59 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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I liked it! I hope you continue to submit more chapters! :)

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Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:33 am
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Ok I like this but it seems to me a little like psykes last and new war. I really hope you bring originality to the house :) go for it

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Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:32 pm
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