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 Daisy Heart 
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Pokemon Ranger
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My Corner: So, my aunt asked me to write a story about daisies, and I did. I haven't sent it to her yet; I want to try to make it as good as possible. Considering that this is essentially my first draft, I don't even know if it should be sent to her at all or if I should just start from scratch. Anyway, enjoy!

Daisy Heart


“I will,” I said as I plucked another petal from the daisy.

Without a doubt, I knew that she loved me. So why weren’t we courting? Well, it was a bit more complicated than just who liked who.

“I won’t.”

Another yellow petal fluttered to the ground. We would be a cute couple, she and I; but, as I said, our situation wasn’t simple.

“I will.”

My favorite attribute about her was her heart, without question. She had such a beautiful heart. So, I liked her…Getting permission to date her would be easy. Her family liked me almost as much as she did.

“I won’t.”

I know of a way that we can be together, but that’s also why I’m here: picking petals off a daisy. The problem is, that I don’t know if I should go through with it or not.

“I will.”

My fingers searched for another petal, but they found none. I glanced down at the flower in my hands. For a long moment, I studied its petal-less contours with a somber expression plastered on my face. Then, I dropped the daisy and tucked my hands into my pockets as if I didn’t have a care in the world, but that wasn’t true; I did have cares in this world.

“I will, tonight,” I told myself.

When everyone was asleep, even her, I would sneak into her room. By the time that she realized that I was there, she would be bound and gagged. The restraints would let me work unhindered.

I started to walk back to town, leaving the field of daisies for another day, another decision. There was a slight bounce in my step. Her hear was going to be mine. Tonight, I would take it right out of her chest. After all, her heart was what I loved about her. I would take the part that I loved, and I would leave the rest behind. Like I had said, our situation wasn’t as simple as who liked who.

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Wed May 21, 2008 1:18 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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This is like a literary gem.
I like the way the words shape the mood of the following sentence in the 'I will', 'I won't' part & I liked the ironic alexis that fits perfectly.
Well done (:

EDIT: alexis is the general feel of the piece due to certain words, the feel of this piece was happy with daisies and hearts,
but then it talked about ripping out her heart but the style didn't change. I thought that was clever.

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thanks to hammy.


Last edited by Prof. Dom on Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:16 am, edited 2 times in total.



Mon Jun 02, 2008 2:15 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Thank you; I was beginning to fear that no one would review this story. I do have a question though. What do you mean by "ironic alexis?" I've never heard of that before...

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Mon Jun 02, 2008 4:23 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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This story was decent, seeing as the ending was a bit too harsh for a pokemon forum. :/

I liked the way you made it dramatic with the spaces in between and the perfect punctuation. I didn't like how it just sounded as the main character was talking to someone 'but, as I said, our situation wasn’t simple.' just an example. Another concern is the weird ending, it didn't make the story better, which was (hopefully) your intention for the ending, it gave me a weird taste in my mouth because I thought of someone physically ripping some girl's heart out, which was disgusting to say the least. I'll end this comment on a good note, by just saying that this story seemed really well thought out and planned and worked in most ways, sans the ending of course. :P

Good work here, keep it up. :]

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Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:49 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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poplers wrote:
This story was decent, seeing as the ending was a bit too harsh for a pokemon forum. :/


How often do I post something that isn't too harsh for a pokemon forum? Sorry, just had to ask. XD

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Mon Jun 02, 2008 10:28 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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Crimson wrote:
Her heart was going to be mine.

I noticed you're missing a t. :P

Otherwise, the story was good, the ending was nicely surprising and creepy. I liked it.
I still keep wondering how some people can fit so much in such little amount of words. :D

Keep writing good stuff like this, I wanna read more. ;)

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Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:11 am
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Pokemon Trainer
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Overall it's well written, but this isn't the type of thing I'd send to MY grandma. It sounded a lot like an Edgar Allen Poe type of story. Very creepy... *shivers*

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'Das my brother. >=]


Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:33 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Heh, my Aunt knows how I write. She's read Carnival which is, in some ways, a bit more demented than this. Carnival is posted in the forum and can be found in my Library (click my signature to get there).

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Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:32 pm
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Ace Trainer
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It was a bit morbid, but well written. the plot was very well executed (no pun intended) Being the faithful follower on all things dark (no I'm not goth) this really played up to my taste. No mistakes escaped these eyes. 8/10

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A flea and fly in a flue, Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly. Said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


Thu Jul 17, 2008 10:26 pm
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Pokemon Master
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It was good, your writing is always interesting. However I don't think this was quite up to the standard of your other works I've read. For me the reveal is the best part, and I don't think you quite built up enough emotion before it in this case. I think maybe a bit of length would help that. But it really is a good horror story, you really couldn't have written what you did write better, I enjoyed it.

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Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:09 am
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