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 After the Crown (First FanFic) 
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Thu Jun 07, 2007 12:34 pm
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Hey, this is my first time publishing but not at writing.
Anyways, "After the Crown" is about A teenager living on Sea Breeze Island. The story has no actual year, but it is in the summer, and it takes place after he becomes the champion. Some of the characters are real, some aren't. I used my name for the main character because my online name, Xune, doesn't fit well. Hope you like it!

"After the Crown"
Chapter One


“Welcome to the Hall of Fame!”

Those were the words that raced though his mind as he made the 12-mile bike ride home to ShingleVill. The route he took was along the eastern sea. It was night, and he could see the flashing lights from the power plants smoke stack. There was little noise, just the wind and the calm sound of the sea as it gently washed over the sand. He was filled with energy and excitement. He finally did it, He finally beat Jack, The Pokemon Champion.

ShingleVill was one of 7 cities on Sea Breeze Island. The Island was about 300 nautical miles of the southern shore of the Sinnoh region. Although it was in the middle of nowhere, the people of the island got along well.

As Peter opened the garage door to put his bike away, he heard a soft noise.

“Nice try buddy” he said.
“Damn it!” Replied Justin, his friend from kindergarten.
“You need to lean to step differently”
“Yep just like how I have to learn everything differently.”
“…Yeah”, Peter replied obnoxiously.
“Oh shut up. Anyways, why are you out so late?”

Peter pulled out his trainer card. The star next to his picture show brightly, even during the middle of the night.”

“Holy @#%!…You actually won?”
“Mhm, I’m going to sleep, don’t tell anyone though, Ill break the news tomorrow, ok?”
“Alright”

The next day he woke up on the floor. Discombobulated, he got up and looked at the clock. 1:20, It shown hatefully.

“Aw !@#%”
“!@#$, !@#$, !@$% !!!”
“I’m going to be late!”

He rushed to the dresser, grabbed a fresh set of clothes and put them on. He ran to the computer, unplugged his iPod, and put “Back in Black” on. If there was won thing in the world Peter loved more than winning, it was Rock. Peter jumped down the stairs, grabbed a cereal bar, and rushed towards the door. He grabbed the knob and turned while running at the door, but it didn’t move. He flew back and landed on his back. A piece of paper floated on to his face. He picked itup and read it.
“Hi honey, I’m out running errands, I’ll be back around 3. Don’t mess with the TV, I have to days Pokemon contest on TiVo, I swear if I miss this one, you’ll be in big trouble. Bye the way, Heather called; she wanted to remind you to show up at the tree at 1:15. P.S, the door frames a little sticky, so pull hard to open the door. Mom.”

To Be Continued

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:07 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
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Peta'h109 wrote:
Hey, this is my first time publishing but not at writing.
Anyways, "After the Crown" is about A teenager living on Sea Breeze Island. The story has no actual year, but it is in the summer, and it takes place after he becomes the champion. Some of the characters are real, some aren't. I used my name for the main character because my online name, Xune, doesn't fit well. Hope you like it!

Don't ever use real information in a story, or at least, don't admit to it. Use a different name, one that isn't necessarily associated with you. Your summary doesn't give the picture that you are represented in the story, so I don't understand why you said anything about his name in the first place.

I found some grammatical and style errors, but I found that the story was just rather awkward. That's how it was for me, at least. Even though you used some form of grammar and spelling check, please remember that they aren't fool proof. Just because the program doesn't catch an error doesn't mean it's not there. As a whole, it's typically discouraged to include "real world" items in your, otherwise, made up story. Be creative or just say MP3 player; you could even bring back the PokeNav. I also found that you use a fair amount of adverbs. Even though we were taught them, they make writing weaker. There are better ways to describe actions. Even if you can't be completely rid of adverbs, I've yet to do that, try to use other forms of description. As a whole, I think you need to carefully proofread and/or have someone else look over it for you.

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:43 pm
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Dragon Tamer
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Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
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Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
Technically, using real information in a story is fine, it’s a form of literacy known as allusion. The trick is to only use real-world information sparingly in a fictional story, otherwise it comes off as rather awkward.

I also didn't understand what you were taking about in the beginning. What exactly does this story have to do with your user name?

Alright, the story itself isn't that bad, although it is too bland and generic for my taste. First, as Crimson mentioned there are minor grammatical and punctuation errors that can be easily fixed with a bit of proof reading. I suggest that you let a friend or someone who is a descent writer look the story over, while a computer has spell check it does miss certain mistakes. Machines aren't perfect.

The beginning also made me cringe because you gave away practically all information about the character and the setting. The key is to give bits and pieces of information so that the reader can be drawn into your world and want to continue to read. Also, the information you did give was pretty boring. Why would I care that the bike ride was 12 miles? You see, that was absolutely pointless, there is no need for pointless statistics. Speaking of seemingly pointless and confusing information, lets look at one of your dialogues:

Peta'h109 wrote:
“Nice try buddy," he said.
“Damn it!” Replied Justin, his friend from kindergarten.
“You need to lean to step differently.”
“Yep, just like how I have to learn everything differently.”
“…Yeah”, Peter replied obnoxiously.
“Oh shut up. Anyways, why are you out so late?”


....What? I'm confused. What are they talking about? I also have no idea what anyone looks like, nor do I see or feel any emotional attachments from these characters. Descriptions, both for the setting and characters would be nice. The characters also have very generic names. I found myself forgetting the main guys name by the end. The main character should present some uniqueness, even if its just his name.

The excessive swearing is also annoying as well. I'm sure you can find a way to express astonishment without have to resort to swear words.

You also move way too fast. I think a span of like 3 days passed in this one short installment. The further lack of any description makes the overall thing feel really choppy and disconnected.

Peta'h109 wrote:
He grabbed the knob and turned while running at the door, but it didn’t move. He flew back and landed on his back


What? He touched the door and..flew backwards? Did the door kick him? It is also technically impossible to run at a closed the door while you're holding the doorknob, there is a space of about 1 foot between you and the door.

The fact that you included the song choice is also really awkward sounding in that one sentence. Never include musical pieces of any form in a written work, you can describe the feel of the song or the tune but when you include the title of the song or start listing lyrics, that is when it just sounds and feels awkward.

I hope you don’t take this too hard or think that I was trying to be mean to you because of what I said. You the have potential to be a good writer, but you need to really think things through and have proper grammar and punctuation. You would be surprised at how much more pleasant a written piece is if it has correct spelling. Description is also a big problem, or the lack of. A good story is divided between description and conversation, both need to be present. To summarize:
Work on Description/Character Development
Dialogue/Wording
Mood
Grammar/Punctuation

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I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Last edited by Diamond55000 on Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:18 am, edited 1 time in total.



Thu Mar 20, 2008 3:59 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
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Diamond55000 wrote:
Technically, using real information in a story is fine, it’s a form of literacy known as allusion. The trick is to only use real-world information sparingly in a fictional story, otherwise it comes off as rather awkward.

I also didn't understand what you were taking about in the beginning. What exactly does this story have to do with your user name?

That isn't what I meant. I meant that he shouldn't use of his name or that he shouldn't admit to it. Despite this being a fairly safe community, it isn't necessarily safe to give that sort of information away; there's a reason why we have usernames. If he hadn't said anything about the name, I'm fairly sure no one would have associated it with being his name.

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Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:40 am
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