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 the legendary eevee 

Do you like the story
i love it 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
i like it 21%  21%  [ 3 ]
i'm not sure 14%  14%  [ 2 ]
i don't like it 21%  21%  [ 3 ]
i hate it 43%  43%  [ 6 ]
Total votes : 14

 the legendary eevee 
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I thought of this story with a few friends on the bus near the end of last year and it isn't done yet, but tell me what you think

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:12 am
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Chapter 1 the prophecy



One day after Darkaria is caught the world will be thrown into never ending darkness unless fireria is caught. One week after they are both caught a comet will go by deoxys’s home world of Neptune one deoxys will see the comet and that it is heading to earth he will remember it to be the one that nearly caused his world to end. So deoxys will go to earth and warn every one that all the legendary pokemon will fight with each other the comet will be impossible to stop so they need to defeat all the legendary pokemon.
All attempts will fail so unless a special eevee can train enough to defeat all the legendary pokemon or the world will end.

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:18 am
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Chapter 2 An Eevee rising


On a bright day in the Shale region an eevee is born. Minutes after it is born it shows signs of special powers at high levels even powers eevees cant learn. A few days later the eevee started to train itself he play fights with other kids in the colony. At first they are small little ones with other baby eevees that that wanted to. His first battle was with his friend his friend went first with a tackle. eevee used dark pulse and defeated his friend. in a few days eevee battled tougher eevee than before and still won after two more weeks he decided to battle the toughest in his colony because he defeated all the other eevees.
When the battle started eevee went first and used dark pulse but the other eevee dodged and used water pulse and hit eevee. Eevee tried a new attack he hs been practising called evolution jab it has a part for each of his evolution packed in one jab. When eevee used it he nearly knocked out the other eevee but not quiet. eevee used a quick attack and won.
with all the others defeated eevee left the colony to find other pokemon that are even tougher. Months after eevee left the colony eevee fights a salamence. salamence used hyper beam but the attack missed eevee used hyper beam also. Eevee used evolution jab. Then eevee tries the new attack he been trying called extension bomb and knocks out salamence.
As eevee travels a trainer finds it and can tell how powerful eevee is. The trainer uses his trusty infernape. The infernape used flame thrower. after a while they are both tired out. the trainer used a hyper ball and caught eevee. He let eevee out of its ball and says his name is Jake.

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:20 am
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Chapter 3 the near ending to the deoxys home world


Up in the sky all the deoxys can see a meteor in the sky as it passes it comes back and gets caught in the gravity of planet and keeps circling. Then some thing takes over the deoxys. They decide to battle even though a normally peaceful race. As the fight starts attacks are sent every were. Most missed their mark and hit hills, trees, and the bottoms of lakes. Families of deoxys attack each other and their own family members. Then when an attack hits a deoxys he gets out of that state some how.
He tries to stop the fighting, but nothing works. As he dose this it make the others or at least what ever about the meteor is causing the fight angry. So they aim their attacks at him. He jumps up at the last second. The attacks hit at the same time so they did enough to create a huge crater 1, 2 miles deep.
He goes down to look at the damage and feels very upset at what's going on. Then attacks are flying every were again because they thought they got him and didn

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:22 am
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Chapter 4 The deoxys recovery

Soon after the fight was over all of the deoxys started to recover. With all of the holes they needed to fix they started thinking of ideas to fix the holes then one comes up with an idea and it was to use meteors to fill the holes. soon a meteor came by neptune so the deoxys focus their psychic powers to move the meteor as it comes closer they see how huge it is. It is big enough to fill the largest hole plus a few others. they send it in to the hole with enough force for it to form fit the hole.
They use their powers to cut the meteor so they cone fill other holes. They float half way around the world to the second biggest hole. They do the same thing with that hole as the first hole, but there isn

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:24 am
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Chapter 5 Eevee and its trainer make a friend

8 years later. Eevee and Jake are in the middle of a battle against a Tyranitar and its trainer uses hyper beam eevee dodged it. Then eevee transformed into a tyranitar and used hyper beam then turned its tail into a second head and used a double hyper beam its head and the second head. They won the battle.
Jake goes up to tyranitar

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:26 am
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Chapter 6 How Alexis met Tyranitar

When they finished talking about the transformation thing Jake asked Alexis if he would tell him how he met tyranitar. Alexis said i was going to ask if you wanted to hear it. I’ll never forget it started when i left my home town of Drizzle I headed up to the mountain and i saw team thunder using a weird pokeball I went up there to spy on that conversation. One said it was a darkball.

The others bought them off of him and through their pokeballs of to where i was i took the pokeballs and put them in my pocket While they did this they said we wont need these. They caught a baroo and when one let it out it was a ghengaroo. The last of the three caught a dragatang and when he let it out it was a dragster. They found a larvitar and were attacking it for no reason He looked so helpless so i ran up to them and hit them.

They turned around and attacked me i blacked out and hours maybe even a day or two later i woke up and i thought the larvitar was caught. Then i saw the larvitar above me smiling he was happy that i tried to stop them even though i didn’t stop them. When i sat up it looked like a pokemon metropolis.
Things were so cool there was a river flowing through the area. Lots of pokemon were playing in it. They had so much fun playing together. They gave me a few berries shaped like a larvitar. I ate one and saved the rest.
When it was time for me to leave larvitar followed me so i asked him if he wanted to come with me. He nodded so i caught him. I went back to drizzle and checked with my mom she was super worried and said if i was gone for two more hour they would have sent a search party out for me.

Since i was old enough i went to Harbor Side City and talked to prof. Bob. Then i went on my journey soon i caught an elekid who is my electroid today. After i made my way trough drizzle i went trough the hill and i found the place where i caught larvitar i had a good time and got a few more of what i call a larvitar berry. After that with a year of training we met you and he did evolve twice as you can see. They land In Harbor Side City so they go to prof. Bob.

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:27 am
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Chapter 7 Prof. Bob

When they go inside and talk to prof. Bob about Arceus. Bob asks if they have decided who will catch Arceus. They said that they would decide when they get there. Bob said how about who ever defeats it. Jake said how will that be fair i made a device that will shoot out a beam that revives a pokemon. So if you weaken it then loose revive it and your pokemon then the other can try to catch it and if the same thing happens then train and try again.
The Bob goes over to were he kept it and gave it to them. Jake offered to go first Alexis was ok with it. Bob went over to his laptop and brought it over to them. Bob looked up info on arceus. When he got to a good web site he saw so much info on arceus. He told the a myth on arceus and that it was said to be the creator of the universe with its thousand arms. So they head out side and get on eevee to fly to mt. coronet.

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:30 am
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Chapter 8 capturing arceus

As they leave Bob’s house they wonder about how arceus created the universe. So they fly to Mt. coronet. After a while they get there so they go in. They wonder around for hours. They finally got to the room the need to play the flute at but people are all ready there. They are using these weird chains.
As the chains are being pulled two portals are opened. Then out come two pokemon dialga and palkia. Jake and Alexis find commander Mars and commander Jupiter. A fight starts Jake has Jupiter Alexis has Mars. Jupiter sends out Skuntank Jake sends out eevee.

Eevee turn into a Probopass and uses magnet bomb and badly weakens skuntak. Mars sends out purugly Alexis sends out tyranitar. Tyranitar uses hyper beam and weakens purugly. Skuntank used flame thrower and missed eevee.
Eevee used magnet bomb and defeats skuntank. So Jupiter uses golbat. Tyranitar used hyper beam and knocks out purugly. Mars send out bronzor Tyranitar used hyper beam on both and wins the matches.
So they go up to Cyrus. Tyranitar used hyper beam and got him to run off. So they battle dialga and palkia. Dialga used roar of time palkia used special rend they both hit Tyranitar and just special rend hits eevee. Eevee turns into a dialga and palkia mix.
Eevee used special rend then really quick uses roar of time. Eevee knocked them out Jake caught dialga and let alexis catch palkia. Alexis played they Azure flute and go up the stairs.
When they get to the top they run to the back and find Arceus. When they got the Jake and Alexis changed their minds on when they were going to battle it so Alexis will go first. When the battle starts Alexis sent out Tyranitar.
Arceus used hyper voice tyranitar used hyper beam Arceus copied tyranitar and used hyper beam. Arceus used extreme speed. Then while close up he used hyper beam and defeated tyranitar. Alexis tried palkia but it was to weak it just fell down.
Jake use the device Prof. Bob gave them to revive arceus. Then Jake sent out eevee eevee used evolution jab and badly hit arceus. Then arceus used dimension beam and the colours looked inverted it hurt eevee but not to much. Then eevee used extension bomb and hurt arceus very badly.
Dimension beam wore off. Arceus used hyper beam but eevee dodged it. Eevee used dimension beam and arceus fell but quickly got up. Eevee used hyper beam before arceus could attack and it knocked out arceus.

Jake through an ultraball. The ball wobbled did he catch arceus it kept wobbling and then they heard the tong arceus was caught. Alexis was proud of Jake and Alexis knew that Jake would catch it from the beginning of the battle of arceus and eevee. So they make their way out and onto their next adventure together.


Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:31 am
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Chapter 9 The Ending of their journeys

One month after jake caught arceus sense Jake had every badge he felt no need to keep going on his journey and he had all the pokemon he could want so to him finished his journey. Alexis felt done with his journey because he had enough pokemon or at least to him he didn’t wont more badges with the sixteen he had. So they went home the were they use to live with their parents and agreed to meet half way between their towns and they did that.
So when they met they were thinking about were to live they though they could live there right where they were at. They just needed suplies so they went out to stores to buy some supplies and work on the house.

after a months hard work the house was done. The house was very nice it had a huge backyardfor all thier pokemon to live and play.

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Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:32 am
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Where to start... I'll say this in the nicest way possible, your story is terrible. I'm not going to beat around the bush because quite frankly unless you're younger than 9 or a complete imbecile with no education whatsoever, you can see that this is in shape or form a "story."

You have no concept of grammar. Even the most basic forms of grammar such as putting quotation marks when someone is talking seem to elude you. You don't see to know basic paragraph structure either. The entire thing is a monstrosity that would make any decent English teacher cry out in frustration and rage.


I'm not sure you truly know what a story is either. The foundations of a good story are the plot and characters. Your story as far as I can see has no noticeable or even remotely interesting plot. You move from one place to another in the span of a sentence without any description, which just makes the overall thing seem even more choppy and amateurish. Your characters are made out of the nightmares of any decent writer or role player(RP) for the simple fact that they are all mary-sues. All have some amazing ability or awesome gimmick with no weaknesses of any kind. This just makes them inhuman and REALLY boring. Nobody can even relate to your characters and I doubt they want to, or can since you gave them no personality. They are mindless robots with the emotional capacity of a rock.


I'm not sure what even inspired you to try writing, but if you truly want to improve then kudos to you. I suggest that before you post anything else in this forum you read some of the stories on here to get a general idea of what is a good story. Read some of the stories from Crimson's Library, or something by Psyches. The easiest way to improve of all is to READ A BOOK. Another pointer would be to actually spend more than what seems like 5 minutes on a story and get someone to edit it for you.

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Last edited by Diamond55000 on Sat Feb 23, 2008 9:01 am, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Feb 22, 2008 4:34 pm
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Diamond55000 wrote:
Where to start... I'll say this in the nicest way possible, your story is terrible. I'm not going to beat around the bush because quite frankly unless your younger than 9 or a complete imbecile with no education whatsoever, you can see that this is in shape or form a "story."

You have no concept of grammar. Even the most basic forms of grammar such as putting quotation marks when someone is talking seem to elude you. You don't see to know basic paragraph structure either. The entire thing is a monstrosity that would make any decent English teacher cry out in frustration and rage.


I'm not sure you truly know what a story is either. The foundations of a good story are the plot and characters. Your story as far as I can see has no noticeable or even remotely interesting plot. You move from one place to another in the span of a sentence without any description, which just makes the overall thing seem even more choppy and amateurish. Your characters are made out of the nightmares of any decent writer or role player(RP) for the simple fact that they are all mary-sues. All have some amazing ability or awesome gimmick with no weaknesses of any kind. This just makes them inhuman and REALLY boring. Nobody can even relate to your characters and I doubt they want to, or can since you gave them no personality. They are mindless robots with the emotional capacity of a rock.


I'm not sure what even inspired you to try writing, but if you truly want to improve then kudos to you. I suggest that before you post anything else in this forum you read some of the stories on here to get a general idea of what is a good story. Read some of the stories from Crimson's Library, or something by Psyches. The easiest way to improve of all is to READ A BOOK. Another pointer would be to actually spend more than what seems like 5 minutes on a story and get someone to edit it for you.


Why thank you for that useless post full of flaming and stupid remarks. You've offered no help except for the advice of 'go to school.' This is why the fanfic forum is suffering, because people like you believe that they're a hotshot and can say or do whatever they want, and they really can't.
Yes, this story might have short chapters, no quotations, bad grammar, bad spelling, etcetera.., however that gives you no right to post what you did. There's no reason for it at all, there are much worse stories than this, and it seems that he's actually giving it an honest effort and continuing his story and giving it a good try in his plot. Just because the story might be up to your randomly high standards doesn't mean that you should post this kind of **** in the thread.
And also, listing two of the most popular names in the FanFicForum means that you obviously haven't been reading it at all, because there are other great writers than Crimson and Psyches. :|
I have no idea what your issue is, this guy did nothing to you yet you treat him like he did. If you don't like his story so much then why'd you even give it respect and comment upon it, although I wouldnt' call flaming a comment.

NOW.
to the story:
-Chapters are short, try lengthening them, it helps the flow greatly, shoot for five medium sized paragraphs per chapter and work from there.
-The sentences seem disconnected, try adding in more periods where needed, and to get even more advanced, semi-colons! :P
-Try to distinguish the difference between 'there' 'their' and 'they're', the first one means a location/place, the second is plural possessive, and the third is plural 'to be' conjugated. (They Are, then made a conjunction).
-There is also some spelling/spacing issues, try to review your chapters before posting to ensure no spelling/spacing issues, you usually have the words spelled correctly, howeverwhen saidlike thisthey lookmisspelled. :P

NOW:
let's hope for some better reviews and some intelligent people to review. :D

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Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:37 pm
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Diamond55000 wrote:
Where to start... I'll say this in the nicest way possible : your story is terrible. I'm not going to beat around the bush because, quite frankly, unless you're younger than 9 or a complete better insult here with no education whatsoever, whats this jumble right here.

You have no concept of grammar. Even the most basic forms of grammar, such as putting quotation marks when someone is talking seem to elude you. You don't seem to know basic paragraph structure either. The entire thing is a monstrosity that would make any decent English teacher cry out in frustration and rage.


I'm not sure you truly know what a story is either. The foundations of a good story are the plot and characters. Your story, as far as I can see, has no noticeable or even remotely interesting plot. You move from one place to another in the span of a sentence without any description, which just makes the overall thing seem even more choppy and amateurish. Your characters are made out of the nightmares of any decent writer or role player(RP), for the simple fact that they are all mary-sues. All have some amazing ability or awesome gimmick with no weaknesses of any kind. This just makes them inhuman and REALLY boring. Nobody can even relate to your characters and I doubt they want to, or can since you gave them no personality. They are mindless robots with the emotional capacity of a rock.


I'm not sure what even inspired you to try writing, but if you truly want to improve, then kudos to you. I suggest that before you post anything else in this forum you read some of the stories on here to get a general idea of what is a good story. Read some of the stories from Crimson's Library, or something by Psyches or valentine. The easiest way to improve of all is to READ A BOOK. Another pointer would be to actually spend more than what seems like 5 minutes on a story and get someone to edit it for you.


fixed that for you.

i was an asshole for adding my name in there, but hey, you have to get attention somehow.

this story rules.

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Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:40 pm
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Welcome to the Library.

I'm rather lost. Your story jumps around and since you're in a made up region that no one else can imagine it only adds to the confusion. There's a plethora of grammatical errors that I'm just not up to pointing out right now. You've used present tense, which you should typically try to avoid. Most people find the past tense easier to read and write. It's proven that the mind comprehends things in the past tense more easily.

When you thought up this story with your friend I'm sure you two were laughing and having a grand old time. I'm assuming that one of you randomly mentioned writing a pokemon fanfic and you two brought about this. The issue is, that while you were all hyped up about your grand idea, you didn't think everything through. I don't believe your excitement alone caused this carelessness; I believe that your obvious lack of experience played a huge part. Being inexperienced isn't bad, we all are at some point, it's worse to not admit it. A key part of improving is knowing your weaknesses better than your strengths. Your strengths you know by heart, that's why you're good at them. Your weaknesses on the other hand, are still awkward and for whatever reason you can't become quiet as familiar with them. Thank goodness for practice. Keep working on it and you'll get better.

Before you post your next chapter, I want you to sit down and take a long, hard look at it. I want you to look for anything that may not make sense. If you find anything, and you should, I want you to clarify it. I want you to look for all of the grammar, spelling and typos that you can, and I want you to try to fix those. If you can't find a lot of those, or any, I want you to give it to someone else. This someone else needs to be someone willing to tell you about the errors that they find. Having someone say "looks good," when there are a bunch of issues, won't help you at all. Don't explain anything to them. Just tell them to read the story, or chapter, the entire way through and to circle, underline, highlight or mark anything that doesn't make sense. Once they're done, and I can't imagine it taking long, then look over what they marked and ask them what didn't make sense. If the reader can't understand by what you've written, then you haven't done your job. Go back and work on it until it does make sense. You know what's happening because it's in your head. They are getting it second hand, you have to spoon feed it to them.

Poplers:

While Diamond may've been rather hard on the kid considering the kid hasn't gotten mad yet, he's made some points. He just wasn't...delicate about it. I don't believe it's because of "people-like-him" that the forum is as quiet as it is; at least, I don't believe that's the only reason. So, let's not blame anyone yet. You did say virtually the same thing Diamond said. You, however, were more tactful about it and gave ways to improve each issue. It just shows how a person's word choice can affect the tone and way a written piece is received.

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Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:04 pm
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I'd just like to say thankyou for the reference, it was very touching.

Now if only someone would change my avatar back to normal...

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Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:57 am
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Crimson wrote:
Poplers:

While Diamond may've been rather hard on the kid considering the kid hasn't gotten mad yet, he's made some points. He just wasn't...delicate about it. I don't believe it's because of "people-like-him" that the forum is as quiet as it is; at least, I don't believe that's the only reason. So, let's not blame anyone yet. You did say virtually the same thing Diamond said. You, however, were more tactful about it and gave ways to improve each issue. It just shows how a person's word choice can affect the tone and way a written piece is received.

Yes, but there's an obvious way about doing critiques and saying 'your work is terrible you're an imbecile' isn't the way to do it at all. It offers no help and hurts the person's confidence by doing so. There's no point to doing it at all unless you feel like being mean and stupid. :x

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Why thank you for that useless post full of flaming and stupid remarks. You've offered no help except for the advice of 'go to school.' This is why the fanfic forum is suffering, because people like you believe that they're a hotshot and can say or do whatever they want, and they really can't.
Yes, this story might have short chapters, no quotations, bad grammar, bad spelling, etcetera.., however that gives you no right to post what you did. There's no reason for it at all, there are much worse stories than this, and it seems that he's actually giving it an honest effort and continuing his story and giving it a good try in his plot. Just because the story might be up to your randomly high standards doesn't mean that you should post this kind of **** in the thread.
And also, listing two of the most popular names in the FanFicForum means that you obviously haven't been reading it at all, because there are other great writers than Crimson and Psyches. :|
I have no idea what your issue is, this guy did nothing to you yet you treat him like he did. If you don't like his story so much then why'd you even give it respect and comment upon it, although I wouldnt' call flaming a comment.

NOW.
to the story:
-Chapters are short, try lengthening them, it helps the flow greatly, shoot for five medium sized paragraphs per chapter and work from there.
-The sentences seem disconnected, try adding in more periods where needed, and to get even more advanced, semi-colons! :P
-Try to distinguish the difference between 'there' 'their' and 'they're', the first one means a location/place, the second is plural possessive, and the third is plural 'to be' conjugated. (They Are, then made a conjunction).
-There is also some spelling/spacing issues, try to review your chapters before posting to ensure no spelling/spacing issues, you usually have the words spelled correctly, howeverwhen saidlike thisthey lookmisspelled. :P

NOW:
let's hope for some better reviews and some intelligent people to review.



Why thank you for that absolute waste of time. If you had actually read my post from the beginning you would have noticed that I said that I'm not going to beat around the bush. I see no reason to give false confidence. Yes, I was blunt but sometimes it's necessary. The fact that you outright attacked me also shows how much of a hypocrite you truly are, you're going on about how I was such an insensitive jerk who was flaming another person and yet you do the same thing!

Also, you claim that I gave no constructive criticism. To the contrary, I pointed out his/her issues with spelling/grammar, the mary-sue characters, the disconnected sentences, and gave him/her some pointers on what a good story should be by mentioning some of the better authors on here. The fact that I only listed Crimson and Psyches was simply because they were the first ones to come to my mind, I could have made an entire list but that isn't necessary. The works of DNA, Obsidian Wolf, or Valentine (lol) are also well done and Cyber Arceus2 should read them to get more of an idea of what a GOOD story is.

Next time you feel that you need to be a total bitch I suggest you try not to be such a hypocrite. You need to get off your high horse and respect the opinions of others, because this forum is here so that we can all post our thoughts and you have no right to attack others on the basis that you don't like what they said.

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Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.


Sat Feb 23, 2008 8:56 am
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I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. :D
btw you obviously didn't read my other post. kthx.
also, don't quote me with smileys enabled. D:!

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Sat Feb 23, 2008 9:50 am
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Dragon Tamer
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Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 am
Posts: 189
Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!
Very well, I'll drop this. You know nothing about my intellect, so drop the smart ass attitude.
Yes, I did see your other post, but chose not to say anything since it was just another flame aimed at me.
Now you're just being childish, I can quote your post anyway I want to, enabled smiley or not.

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Sat Feb 23, 2008 10:06 am
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Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
All:

Bad grammar.

Chapter 1:

You need something that will hook the reader in an instant. We have no clue who "Darkria" or "Fireria" are. It's also important that something actually happens in the first sentence/chapter. Readers don't like reading description, let's face it. You need to hook the reader and make something happen. After they are hooked by intruging characters and events, then you can subtly slip the explainations in, like this. (I am not saying I'm a perfect writer)

Quote:
Liat and Tor bounded through the Nuvalose, where the elves lived.


See? This establishes that the elves live in the Nuvalose without reading like a huge explanation.

Chapter 2:

You switch between tenses a lot. Chose one (preferably past, it's easier) and stick with it.

The battles are simply:Eevee used ***. Other Eevee used ***. Eevee dodged and used ***.

Make it more exciting, like this.

Quote:
Eevee opened his mouth, dark energy forming an orb. He shot the attack at his opponent, but she was quick and jumped out of the way.


Much more vivid. Doing that sort of thing is espesially important for the attacks he invented, seeing as we, the readers, have no background knowledge of these moves.

This Eevee also had absolutly no personality. He also is a gary-sue, which, in case you don't know, is a character that has no flaws and many good points. Because they always win, there's no suspence. We know that they'll beat that next opponent every time. This also makes the boy beating it with Infernape unrealistic.

Chapter 3:

Wait...what? This chapter is very hard to comprehend, and the reader can get very confused. This also is a very sudden jump to other characters that make the reader think "Huh? What happened to that all powerful Eevee?"

Chapter 4:

Again, this is hard to comprehend. A couple sentencews are also misleading, like this one:

Quote:
When they got back things were all set and all the holes were filled.


I thought this meant that they had filled it without the other meteors.

And finally this last sentence.

Quote:
They were probably the deoxys from destiny deoxys.


*Cringe* Never reference a movie or book in your's. It just shows that you've absorbed a ton of ideas from other things.


I don't feel like doing the rest right now. Maybe later.

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Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:26 pm
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2008 8:51 pm
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Diamond55000 wrote:
Where to start... I'll say this in the nicest way possible, your story is terrible. I'm not going to beat around the bush because quite frankly unless you're younger than 9 or a complete imbecile with no education whatsoever, you can see that this is in shape or form a "story."

You have no concept of grammar. Even the most basic forms of grammar such as putting quotation marks when someone is talking seem to elude you. You don't see to know basic paragraph structure either. The entire thing is a monstrosity that would make any decent English teacher cry out in frustration and rage.


I'm not sure you truly know what a story is either. The foundations of a good story are the plot and characters. Your story as far as I can see has no noticeable or even remotely interesting plot. You move from one place to another in the span of a sentence without any description, which just makes the overall thing seem even more choppy and amateurish. Your characters are made out of the nightmares of any decent writer or role player(RP) for the simple fact that they are all mary-sues. All have some amazing ability or awesome gimmick with no weaknesses of any kind. This just makes them inhuman and REALLY boring. Nobody can even relate to your characters and I doubt they want to, or can since you gave them no personality. They are mindless robots with the emotional capacity of a rock.


I'm not sure what even inspired you to try writing, but if you truly want to improve then kudos to you. I suggest that before you post anything else in this forum you read some of the stories on here to get a general idea of what is a good story. Read some of the stories from Crimson's Library, or something by Psyches. The easiest way to improve of all is to READ A BOOK. Another pointer would be to actually spend more than what seems like 5 minutes on a story and get someone to edit it for you.



I wrote the story a while ago(while i still had a pour sense of grammar and forgot to edit it.

Quote:
We have no clue who "Darkria" or "Fireria" are.

darkria is a pokemon. as for fireria it is supposed to be a counter part to darkria.


Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:57 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
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cyber arceus2 wrote:
I wrote the story a while ago(while i still had a pour sense of grammar and forgot to edit it.

darkria is a pokemon. as for fireria it is supposed to be a counter part to darkria.

I'm sorry, but you still seem to have little sense when it comes to grammar, judging by your typing. You also confuse homophones a lot, and ones that aren't easily confused. You meant "poor" but said "pour."

If you wrote this story awhile ago, and I'm thinking maybe a year or so, you wouldn't have known about Darkrai (which you had misspelled). As for "Fireria," it's made up. As such, we don't know anything about it and I mean anything.

From now on, to help you with your numerous typos and the like, it would be in your best interest to practice every chance you get. Proofread everything you write or type, this includes posts and notes. Don't abbreviate anything unless it should be, i.e. no chat speak...ever. Run everything through a spell check or grammar check program. The goal is for this to annoy you so much that you're compelled to improve so you don't have as many errors to fix. Of course, if you just learned everything without getting overly annoyed then that would work too.

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Sat Feb 23, 2008 7:43 pm
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Bug Catcher
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Joined: Thu Jun 07, 2007 12:34 pm
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Crimson wrote:

From now on, to help you with your numerous typos and the like, it would be in your best interest to practice every chance you get. Proofread everything you write or type, this includes posts and notes. Don't abbreviate anything unless it should be, i.e. no chat speak...ever. Run everything through a spell check or grammar check program. The goal is for this to annoy you so much that you're compelled to improve so you don't have as many errors to fix. Of course, if you just learned everything without getting overly annoyed then that would work too.



Another thing I did to get my grammar up to par was to read everything I wrote out loud. Although you might sound stupid, you'll know when you make the mistake of a homophone, because your brain will be like, "what the hell did I mean when I said that??? OHHH, thats the wrong word!!" Also, get Firefox, it has a built-in-grammar-checker, which I used to type this.

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:17 pm
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Ace Trainer
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Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2006 10:53 pm
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Location: Confidential for specific reasons...
I'd like to add to some of the great things that have been said. Sure, it's a good story for a first-timer.

I'm not going to try and discourage you from writing. Heck, the forum's already quiet enough without one less writer in the mix of those not doing a thing. But some pointers...

Firstly, I'd like to agree with everything that has been said. No matter which person you take advice from, do it and be happy with it. Some things that I noticed that stick out to me (some of them are repeats):

- mixing up homophones
- chapter length
- Where's your region? Sounds like you're in Sinnoh one moment, then some made-up place the next...
- Professor Bob? Alexis being a boy? Work on your names a little bit. Sure, I've heard of names being switched genders on (like Dana), but this is a little too hard to picture. Maybe Alex (as in Alexander) should be his name. Also, even if you don't want to reference any of the actual canon "storyline", at least note that while you're in Sinnoh, Rowan is the prof. The other one should fit the theme, aka Birch, Elm, Oak, Ivy, Rowan (notice, all plants, mostly trees, work with that).
- tense shifts (makes the story hard to read)
- better description (I'm not going to dwell on that)
- grammar/spelling/conventions
- ideas (sounded like you had two different stories going at the same time)
- the prophecy (where did that go?) You had a prophecy, that was the whole reason for Eevee, yet not only did it not happen, but you didn't even mention it again, and he ended up with some trainer! What's the point? If you introduce something, try to reference it more than once. (Deoxys was good, though.)
Continuing on that, half of the prophecy didn't happen. Sure, Deoxys got involved, and a legendary Eevee came, but where was Darkrai, his counterpart, the end of the world thing? It's like you didn't use it any further, but instead went on about your trainer (probably you) and a friend on their adventure, paying no heed to the already-introduced concept.

Plot holes are a pain, but can be sewn up. I like the story (at least the prophecy), I really do; but I think it deserves a proper re-write. With all the help you've gotten, all the hints writers have given you; use it and re-write the story. Maybe you can keep it more to the prophecy this time.

Hopefully, this doesn't come across as a complete flame of your work, Cyber arceus2. I'm hoping that you will keep writing. Maybe this re-write isn't in your near future. To be honest, I don't know what is. But to enjoy it more, and to get better at writing, I'd suggest you do it again.

Thanks for listening to my rant, and I hope it helps.

AEPMT :D :) 8-) :wink: :mrgreen:

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Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:39 pm
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