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 Renix 13 chapters one and 2 ready 
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Pokemon Trainer
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ok this story is a bit confusing throughout the thing and some things might not make any sense at all (if you want to ask obout those ask)

anyway.....


Prologue



[Creation, 000:000, 0-0000-0000]

When it all begn there was havoc and chaos, like an iternal nightmare.Time niether moved nor did Space travel. There was nothing living or dead. Nothing moved or spoke. Except the creatorof demise. It had created itself and in doing so this dimension. this great evil could manipulate everything and anything, except the portal that was there from before the creator of demise.
Eons passed within the dimension while it was sonsumed in havoc. Then one time, 8 wizards came and took a look at the destruction and chaos that was the dimensiion and they took their staffs and called to the creator
"Selermont zo thrento dne agarim renix!"and the dimension began to change. form the darkest edges to this vast evil space came lightand began to peirce the darkness and then consumed the creator. after finally when the light faded away did the screaming stop.

everything was gone except two things. the portal and a supernova that was in the exact position of the dead creator. the wizards again raised their staffs and looked towards the supernova and called
"theore mithfil laborand agarim delosrenix!" and then came 8 elements that the 8 wizards created, each to be controlled by one wizard. Light,darkness,fire,water,ice, earth, air, energy became the eternal elements.

The true creation had finally been done


Please tell me wether any of that made any senc at all and feed back will be apreciated

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Last edited by werewolf13 on Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:37 pm
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chapter 1

"The race is about to begin and for todays race we have Matt and Renix , Kody and Joe, Asphere and Mellissa. Contestants are you ready? let me remind you that the prizes for the tean that ends up in 1st place will get the platinum hoverboard, built for speed, offence and defence, a sphere suantlet to control your weaponry and hoverboard telepathicaly and finally the PLATINUM CITY RACER TROPHY!!!!"said the comentator exitedly.

I'm Renix, I know I have a weird name but i dont really care about it. my partner for the race is Matt. we've been best friends for ages and we are the top 2 racers in the whole of the island. oh and by the way me and matt are Atlantians decendants of the great wizards who created this realm. you know how there were 8 wizards right? wrong. only 4. one controlled 2 elements. I control Fire and light and matt controlls earth and dark. we're kind of the opesite of each other.

"get ready, set, and GO!!!" said the comentators.
2 seconds later there is a massive cloud of smoke where we were. My dad is the proud designer of the hoverboards and me and matt get the new prototypes that are experimental and we try them out at the races like now. But i really want that platinum hoverboard for my self and i know that matt wants the sphere guantlet.

"and the contestants are off and as ususal the first 2 in the lead are Renix and Matt and currently in second place comes Kody and Joe. Asphere and Mellissa seemed to have dissapeared using their cloaking device." cried the comentator.
"Renix, do you still want to race me?" Asked matt
" ja, You bet I do" i said. see we usually have there mini races between our selves.
" and the finish line is drawing close and there is a tie bet ween Renix and Matt, And Asphere and mellissa! Who will make it to the finish line first and claim the first prize?" Cried the comentator. the guy was practically jumping in hes seat.



[END OF CHAPTER 1]

Guys ill add more to the story later and i also need to add more to the prologue.

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Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:58 pm
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Quote:
ok this story is a bit confusing throughout the thing and some things might not make any sense at all (if you want to ask obout those ask)

Do your best to make it make sense...

General grammar/style/spelling corrections
Word replacement, misplacement or addition
To be discussed in further depth
Remove or unnecessary

Quote:

Prologue

[Creation, 000:000, 0-0000-0000]

When it all began there was havoc and chaos, like an eternal nightmare.Time niether moved nor did space travel. There was nothing alive or dead, Nothing moved or spoke. except the creator*insert space*of demise. It had been created itself and in doing so this dimension. This great being could manipulate everything and anything, except the portal that had been there from before the creator of demise.
*insert enter/return*
Eons passed while the dimension while it was consumed by havoc. Then one time, 8 wizards came into being and took a look at the destruction and chaos; that was the dimens[color=red]iion and [/color]they took their staffs and called to the creator.
*insert enter/return*
"Selermont zo thrento dne agarim renix!" they cried and the dimension began to change. From the darkest edges of the vast and evil space came light. It peirced the darkness and then consumed the creator. Only after finally when the light faded away, did its screaming stop.

everything was gone except two things. the portal and a supernova that was in the exact position of the dead creator. The wizards again raised their staffs again and looked towards the supernova; and called,
*delete enter/return*
"Theore mithfil laborand agarim delosrenix!" and Then came 8 elements were created, each was controlled by one wizard: light, *insert space*darkness, *insert space*fire, *insert space*water, *insert space*ice, earth, air, and energy became the eternal elements.

The true creation had finally come.

Honestly, I read this shortly after your first post. I had printed it out and edited it in school when I had little else to do. What I found, was a mess of gramatical, style, and spelling issues. Most, if not all, of this should have been prevented with proofreading, but one doesn't need to be a genius to tell that you didn't proofread. Some of the rules, especially some grammatical and spelling ones, are more advanced, and depending on your age, or if this is not your first language, I wouldn't expect you to know them. Most are not under that category though. Let's start with those first shall we?

Remember to capitalize the first letter of every sentence. Now I know one of the letters that looks like the beginning of a sentence isn't capitalized.

Quote:
"Selermont zo thrento dne agarim renix!" they cried and the dimension began to change.

I can't explain it well, but it's not incorrect. Simply put, because the dialogue does not end in a period it can be passed off as merely a part of a sentence instead of its own free standing one.

You also forgot a lot of enters/returns and spaces. Type in a word processor, the program should catch silly/lazy mistakes like that. Another common mistake you had were poor word choices. The story did not flow and made little sense in some places. There were a lot of unnecessary words, phrases and sentences as well.

Quote:
It had been created itself and in doing so this dimension.

I had colored this in violet so I could discuss this in further detail. How did a being create itself before it had a place to reside? I have a solution that, I feel, makes more sense.

    It had been created after this dimension.

Quote:
8

Numbers below one hundred should be typed out. So, "8" should be "eight," this includes the other "8" I didn't mark in your prologue.

Quote:
everything was gone except two things. the portal and a supernova that was in the exact position of the dead creator.

I have a whole bunch of issues with this sentence. First I'm going to show you how I redid this before I get into each detail. I'll color what I've changed in yellow.

    Everything was gone save for two things: the portal and a supernova. The supernova stood where the creator had been.

Again there are your common issues with capitalization and word choice. Then, there's a more advanced rule you probably don't understand. The colon, ":," is used as a way to introduce a list or a definition. Yes, you use commas to list things sometimes, but this case is a bit different. Colons aren't used often and there rules are a bit vague so people tend to avoid them.

I haven't gone over your first chapter yet. Although, I'm a bit distressed that you haven't posted all of yoru prologue prior to your first chapter...It just doesn't make much sense. Regardless, I've printed the chapter out and will tell you sooner rather than later.

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Thu Jan 10, 2008 7:44 pm
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thanks crimson
ill try to make the changes as soon as I can.
crimson the thing about the crating itself and the dimention, its sorta like having two thing happening at the same time because of the first thing.
the creator was born,then the dimesion was created at the same time but only because the creator was born.
something like that



chapter 2

"Matt, no more mr. nice racers."I said and rushed off to the finish line with matt right behind me.
"AND THE WINNERS OF THIS RACE ARE RENIX AND MATT, WITH SECOND PLACE WINNERS ASPHERE AND MELISSA!!!!" cried the somentator as all of us finished the race.
"Renix and Matt, would you 2 please step towards the podium."said the owner of the race track.
"I would now like to present you with these awards for your excelent racing today on the track", said the representative of the hoverboard racing comitee,"the platinum hoverboard, the sphere suantlet, and the platinum city racer trophy. I trust that you two will work out who gets what amongst yourselfs." he added with a smile.

that day we celebrated at our room and we had a party till midnight, most of the people who had come for the party were practically drunk( I dont know what they had) and matt and me hit the hay.
But that night something happened that changed my whole life forever. I awoke suddenly to see a shadow with a blue eye looking directly at me. and then it fled. Me, being the idiot I was, thought that I should follow it into the forest behind our apartment. I got my longbow and some arrows, a torch, my sword and my new hoveerboard and then went to pursue that shadow thing.
"You shall not escape this nighmare foolish survivor of the past" said a voice that made the hair stand on end. and this was no jokiing matter, when my hair stands up, it looks like ive been electrecuted a lot. i turn around to see that same shadow, but this time, it had a more defined form, I could practically see the arms and the deep blue hair and the silver chain hanging from its neck. then everything went black.

can some one tell me if this is getting too far fetched or random or idiotic?
oh and feedback ids apreciated.

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Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:09 pm
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