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 The Average School life of James Kinder**PG-13** 
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Pokemon Ranger
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James walked out of the dining hall. As he walked outside, a gang of boys started jeering, he could see a familiar face in the crowd of boys, they sounded like a bunch of animals from the jungle.

“Get him!!!” said a voice from the crowd.

He could distinctly hear someone trying to creep up on him. He bent down. He saw an object looking sharp and shiny. What was it? He narrowly missed another hit. Then he turned around and floored the assailant. A pencil fell out of his hand. There was a burst of laughter.

“You moppets” said James.”A pencil, how dumb can you get?”

“Here” said James while picking up the familiar face off the cold, hard, stone floor.
“Daniel…” Then he laughed.

The bell rang; it was the end of lunchtime. James walked off into the distance, quickly; he didn’t want to be late for registration. James was 16 years old; he had just started Year 11. He had a witty attitude, he was smart, but he loves to mess around. He was one of the most helpful, most friendly people in the world. He was unpopular with people because he was regarded as a nerd. He had turned into a nerd over the years, he started out as an average kid, his friends were few, but they were loyal.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Last edited by Roar Of Time on Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:21 pm
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Pokemon Master
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ROT, you have some serious Mary Sue problems here. Give your character some flaws, it adds depth.

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Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:44 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Well...there's a multitude of issues.

You jump around so we're not quite sure where we are and it reads as if there's nothing really connecting the sentences to each other. There's very little description, just you telling us things. And yes, there is a difference.

James seems like quite the Gary-Stu so far. And if he's, assumably, so well liked, why was he attacked in the beginning of the chapter?

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Tue Dec 11, 2007 4:16 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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He LOOKS and SOUNDS like a Gary-Stu but he is not.I will reveal why he was attacked later in the story

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Wed Dec 12, 2007 7:27 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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OW! MY EYES!

*Gasp* Sorry. It's really bad to describe your character. Only their physical appearance. The rest should be done in dialog.

He is a Gary-Sue. No event can change that, only a flaw in their personality.

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Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:22 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Thunder_dude7 wrote:
OW! MY EYES!

*Gasp* Sorry. It's really bad to describe your character. Only their physical appearance. The rest should be done in dialog.

He is a Gary-Sue. No event can change that, only a flaw in their personality.


Well later I was going to say that he is kinda unpopular, I've edited it in....

Thx for the comments, TD7 :)

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:41 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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The issues haven't changed. As for describing characters through dialogue...yes and no. You don't want to "tell" the reader anything (some instances are unavoidable), rather you should "show" them. There's no real way to explain it other than that. The reader needs to be able to see the character's character (XD) through their actions which does include their dialogue.

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Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:47 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Crimson wrote:
The issues haven't changed. As for describing characters through dialogue...yes and no. You don't want to "tell" the reader anything (some instances are unavoidable), rather you should "show" them. There's no real way to explain it other than that. The reader needs to be able to see the character's character (XD) through their actions which does include their dialogue.


Ok, errm I'll do that in the next chapter. You guys/gals are always helping me. Thanks for that. :D

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:52 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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That's just a way. I meant that their speech and actions should show what kind of person they are. This becomes hard on the author to keep their actions consistent. It's my main issue. I feel like making an pointless analogy, so I will.

Thunder_dude7:Character Development::Crimson:Action Scenes

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Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:02 pm
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THe thing that strikes me is the title and the content;

It is excessively unnexciting. Look:

" The Average School life of James Kinder"

^What is in the title that would make a person want to read it? The title is telling me that the dude is average, and that it's set at school. If the person is the age where they attend secondary/high school they'd think 'my god, I have enough trouble with school as it is, why would I want to read another account of it. It's average and nothing exciting will happen. Average really is a bad word in my opinion, as it is in no way inviting to the reader. Perhaps if there was something else in the title that stood out as a contrast to the apparently 'boring' connotations that 'average' brings to mind. I mean, an amusing one might be

"The Average Shool Life of Death,"

or perhaps something that tells the reader that the story is far from average, despite having it in the title, drawing out an immediate contrast between the main charrie's life and the reader's own.

The content is also uninviting. Nothing happens that makes the character want to read on, it's all a little bland and...well, average.

Oh, and:

Quote:
He had a witty attitude, he was smart, but he loves to mess around.


Firstly, you've jumped between tenses. Second, as Crimson pointed out, you're telling the reader his personality, rather than conveying it.

Consider:

Quote:
Character X was a meticulous sort of person, and he would always turn up to work neatly and, kept time perfectly. His one flaw was his incapability to think about others feelings, however.


Compared with...

Quote:
Character X took the reciept from the cashier and thanked him, before folding it neatly in half, before placing it in the bin. Arriving at one minute to seven, he walked into his office and sat behind his desk, just as the clock on his wall chimed.

A little while later, a woman entered in a flurry, her hair out of place. Character X frowned slightly, and patted his own tidy hair to make sure that his stood out in stark contrast to hers.

"Sir, I'm so sorry I'm late sir, but my cat was hit by a car, and I had to take him to the vet and -"

Character X interrrupted her. "The time is precisely seventeen minutes past seven, Miss Barrack. While I'm sure you care very much for your cat, your paperwork, nor I, for that matter, do not. You will leave at seventeen minutes past five this afternoon to make up for it."


Okay, I've colour coded all of this to point out key places that outline his personality:

Meticulous - Why does he fold it in half if he's putting it in the bin? Meticulous to the point of illogicallity (wow, made up word)

Doesn't care about other's feelings. - Cares more about his own profit than Miss Barack's well-being.

Keeps time perfectly. - Simple as, read the coloured bits. :P

See how the reader is informed of all these things without directly telling them? Of course, this was just a sample, and I didn't spend all that long, but the trick is to do it discreetly, almost brainwashing the reader into identifying the character without them realising. It's a neat trick, and it's how a reader becomes emmersed in a story; they don't realise they've been hooked. :P

I hope this helped, do tell me if it didn't, and I'll try harder. :P

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Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:34 pm
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The Obsidian Wolf wrote:
THe thing that strikes me is the title and the content;

It is excessively unnexciting. Look:

" The Average School life of James Kinder"

^What is in the title that would make a person want to read it? The title is telling me that the dude is average, and that it's set at school. If the person is the age where they attend secondary/high school they'd think 'my god, I have enough trouble with school as it is, why would I want to read another account of it. It's average and nothing exciting will happen. Average really is a bad word in my opinion, as it is in no way inviting to the reader. Perhaps if there was something else in the title that stood out as a contrast to the apparently 'boring' connotations that 'average' brings to mind. I mean, an amusing one might be

"The Average Shool Life of Death,"

or perhaps something that tells the reader that the story is far from average, despite having it in the title, drawing out an immediate contrast between the main charrie's life and the reader's own.

The content is also uninviting. Nothing happens that makes the character want to read on, it's all a little bland and...well, average.

Oh, and:

Quote:
He had a witty attitude, he was smart, but he loves to mess around.


Firstly, you've jumped between tenses. Second, as Crimson pointed out, you're telling the reader his personality, rather than conveying it.

Consider:

Quote:
Character X was a meticulous sort of person, and he would always turn up to work neatly and, kept time perfectly. His one flaw was his incapability to think about others feelings, however.


Compared with...

Quote:
Character X took the reciept from the cashier and thanked him, before folding it neatly in half, before placing it in the bin. Arriving at one minute to seven, he walked into his office and sat behind his desk, just as the clock on his wall chimed.

A little while later, a woman entered in a flurry, her hair out of place. Character X frowned slightly, and patted his own tidy hair to make sure that his stood out in stark contrast to hers.

"Sir, I'm so sorry I'm late sir, but my cat was hit by a car, and I had to take him to the vet and -"

Character X interrrupted her. "The time is precisely seventeen minutes past seven, Miss Barrack. While I'm sure you care very much for your cat, your paperwork, nor I, for that matter, do not. You will leave at seventeen minutes past five this afternoon to make up for it."


Okay, I've colour coded all of this to point out key places that outline his personality:

Meticulous - Why does he fold it in half if he's putting it in the bin? Meticulous to the point of illogicallity (wow, made up word)

Doesn't care about other's feelings. - Cares more about his own profit than Miss Barack's well-being.

Keeps time perfectly. - Simple as, read the coloured bits. :P

See how the reader is informed of all these things without directly telling them? Of course, this was just a sample, and I didn't spend all that long, but the trick is to do it discreetly, almost brainwashing the reader into identifying the character without them realising. It's a neat trick, and it's how a reader becomes emmersed in a story; they don't realise they've been hooked. :P

I hope this helped, do tell me if it didn't, and I'll try harder. :P


Thanks, TOW. I'll change the title

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:22 am
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