Right, well first off, welcome to Canalave Library. Having clearly missed the stickies, I'll direct you to them.
The Decent Fanfic Guide
Writing Tips from various authors in Canalave Library
Okay, about your story;
First off, the chapter isn't really long enough to class it as a chapter. A good A4 page on Mircosoft word would suffice, or more if you can manage it.
Secondly, you're being too precise. I find that when you want to describe how a character is feeling, you need to make the reader feel that way too. In this case, you want your character to feel lost. I'm not saying that you should be vague, but you should certainly convey that the charrie is lost, while making sure the reader knows what's happening.
He heard a Bastiodon and Rampardos fighting
How can he hear
that the two pokemon are fighting. I mean, certainly, he could hear them battling, perhaps hearing them scraping around on the ground, but he wouldn't be able to identify them. Try and word it like this:
He tore through the dense undergrowth, noises all about him, a sense of panic settling in his mind. To his left he heard desperate noises. Ferocious roars resounded about the trees, and as Luke looked to his left, he saw a large beast ram its head into the side of a quadrapedic Pokemon. He knew what they were, and knew that they were ferocious. The Rampardos and Bastiodon continued to fight as he fled the scene.
You see how the reader is feeling his sense of panic by describing it? Similarly, you are actually telling the reader how he arrived to the conclusion that it was those two Pokemon battling.
Another point; you've tried to grab the reader by making the opening have a good hook; you've revealed Luke's mission to find Oliver and Will, and I'm certainly wondering what predicament they are in. However, before the end of the 'chapter,' he has already completed this mission. It means that the hold you had on your reader has completely loosened. They don't really care about the story now, because you've told them 'the ending,' so to speak.
Now obviously, this is not the direct end, that was just a hypothetical reader.
Oh, and remember what I said about being a little unspecific?
Luke heard a Charizard's roar. A Charizard? That wasn't right Charizard live in mountains not jungles. Then he saw it. A huge bright orange Charizard flying straight towards him at an estimate of mach 1.
How did he know it was a Charizard that roared? Yes, he may have good hearing, but it's more dramatic and tense for the reader if you don't tell them just that sentence before. Also, why the mach 1 part? What do you hope to acheive by this precision? Surely it would be better to leave this part vague, and ensure that the reader is left in no doubt of its speed by being vague; I'll show you what I mean:
Luke heard another roar, but this came from the sky. Still running quickly, he looked up through the branches, just in time to see a blur of orange race over the treetops before it vanished out of sight again.
Luke barely had time to think, as it had suddenly appeared, beneath the canopy of the trees, and flying directly toward him. He didn't have chance to even contemplate escaping from the beast.
The part in blue
shows you how you've mentioned Charizard, but not by name. This vagueness keeps the reader interested.
The part in red
should show you what I mean about precision; by actually stating Mach 1, it's telling the reader how fast it is, and this gives it an actual boundary. By not specifying, and merely saying 'suddenly,' and stuff like that, it's open to the reader's interpretation, and their imagination will make it as fast as possible.
Oh, and as a parting comment, the final part is far too rushed in my opinion. Why are they there? There's no indication that this will be explained in the next chapter, and as I explained, the reader has already had his/her wish fulfilled of having Luke's goal reached. He's found Will and Oliver, and now they've lost interest in what he's doing.
I really have gone to town with this extract, but I'm hoping that it will help you with the next part to this story. I look forward to the next extract, and hope you take what I've said into consideration.
"Play with fire and expect to be burned."