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 All In Good Time... 
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Fails at life
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You are not forced to stop the story. Just put a little author's corner thing before the story starts back up. And by posting your story, you are inviting us to post in this thread to criticize/comment on your work.

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:39 am
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Shiny_Rapidash wrote:
I am seriously annoyed by most of your comments, not all, forcing me to stop telling the story to answer you. I ASKED YOU ALL TO PM ME IF YOU HAVE COMMENTS! THAT MEANS YOU AS WELL, Ghett0!


Thing is, if we don't reply with our comments, you are therefore forced into not writing the next part, as you are not allowed to double post (which you've been doing anyway, iirc.)

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:40 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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Calm down. What you want from us is something we just can't give you. You only want praise and it would not be fair to anyone if we were to do that. We would be lieing by implying that there was nothing left to improve, and that is not the case. Your pride and ego are taking some hits, but it will be worth it in the end.

We're not trying to make you stop. I don't know how many times this has to be said: we're trying to help you improve. As I've said before, we can only help so much. Some lessons you need to learn on your own. Right now, you need to learn to accept our critiques for what they are gracefully. It always stings a little to be told your work isn't up to par to whomever is reading it. The chances are that it will always sting no matter how used to it you are.

As for author notes. It's common for there to be author's notes at the end or beginning of a story. But, it's imperative that the reader is able to differentiate them apart from the story. For example, I may have understood that your comment on a character's mental state was an author's note, but someone else may not have. Those are the people that need it clarified and the ones who you need to cater to in that situation. Plus it just makes it a whole lot easier for the other readers. We don't have to think about it. Thunder's right, we have no idea what chapter we're on. For all we know we could be on chapter 1 still or chapter 5.

He is also right that you shouldn't have to tell us that he has issues. We should be able to tell ourselves. These segments are dull and dry to read. There's no other way to put it. There's no description and as dull as it can be to write it's improtant.

Obsidian is also right about the double posting. It is a rule on PsyPokes. Our lovely moderators tend to be a little lax because this is not the most active forum and it can be months in between posts on some stories. But, unnecessary double posting is not looked kindly upon. It's seen as spamming...

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 2:47 pm
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Ok. Back to the story. I'll combine future posts. By the way, this story
takes place in the far future. I forgot to say that earlier. That was my fault.
_____________________________________________________________

When Tessa and the Mightyena followed Starfish into the room, the first thing they noticed was that this room was not only dark and stinking of burning plastic, but it was icy cold. And there was the real Master Ball.
Starfish turned back to them, and Tessa noticed his eyes were now deep cocoa brown. She flinched, startled, and he offered an explaination. "They do that in here. Even I don't know why. I can change them on cue, just not here."
She then noticed the chest freezer in the middle of the room, and asked impulsively what it was doing there. Starfish began to explain. "Let's just say it was appropriated in a hurry. I thought you needed to know why. Because I like you. To make a very long story short, I souped it up in 2685 to hold a very valuable blood sample." "But that was three thousand years ago!" Tessa interrupted, confused. "Exactly. But that means this sample is all the more valuable now. But I'm not going to sell it. Even if I can easily get another sample." "Who is the sample from, anyway?" Tessa was even more confused now. "Turn around."

_____________________________________________________________
Nice cliffhanger, eh? More to come tomorrow!


Fri Nov 16, 2007 7:41 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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IMPROVEMENT ALERT!!! IMPROVEMENT ALERT!!!

Wow! Nice work! This is your best post yet!

Now to be picky and find little parts that could stand improvement. Most are grammatical.

You need to start a new paragraph every time a person speaks.

Hmm... what does the room and chest look like? You need to include description for mainly the setting and any objects of importance.

So... He can change the color of his eyes, but they change on their own in this room? Is that correct?

Other then that, this is a huge improvement. Great work!

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Fri Nov 16, 2007 8:28 pm
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Fails at life
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And I still have no idea what Tessa looks like.

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Sat Nov 17, 2007 10:09 am
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She looks kind of like the girl character in FRLG would if she ditched the hat and dyed her outfit gray. Sort of like that. About this part, as time passes, actual events pass into the realm of legend. I swear, that's what they say.

_____________________________________________________________

It was Mewtwo, staring back at her, not the least bit surprised.
Tessa nearly fainted, once again. "Wait a minute! I've heard all the stories, but I didn't think they could possibly be true! Are they?"
"By now, mostly." Starfish answered softly.
Tessa had gone from mortal terror to wide-eyed wonder in a matter of moments. "Please, stop doing that. Although it doesn't feel that bad, actually." Tessa stopped stroking it. "If you say stop, I will," she said sadly.


Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:38 pm
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I think Ghetto, while being a little rude about it, had a point; we haven't actually received a description of her in the story yet, and descriptions should not be done in the author's notes.

As for Mewtwo, that's pretty cool, and it springs to my mind that he must damn old if this is in the future, but I still think the 'chapters' are too short. Needs more content in my opinion.

But good going. ;)

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 12:45 am
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Fails at life
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Basically, don't say;

Quote:
She looks like the FRLG girl with a gray dress and no hat.


Another stunt I've seen people pull;

Quote:

Okay, here is the main character;




Image




Don't do either of those.[/quote]

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:48 am
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One, that is not what I said, and two, I will be ignoring Ghett0's posts here after this. I wish I could delete them myself, but, sadly, I can't, so I will just pay him no notice. On with the story!

_____________________________________________________________

They were soon joined by Ergot, Starfish's brother, who had been invited to try his method of purging hearts of evil on the Dark Celebi.
"May we begin? This will take a while. It involves being kind and generous to the point of seeming to be ridiculous. Like they say, the best way to defeat your foe is with love and kindness. And bribes. Lots of bribes."
He had plates of food brought in, along with toys and just about anything else that would tempt it. He let it out of the Master Ball, and told it, "If you will let us help you, we will give you all this and more!" It looked at Ergot, looked at a platter of fruit on a cart, eyed them all suspiciously, then looked back at the fruit. It nodded and let out a squeal of delight when Ergot nodded back. The hard work of savng it would soon begin, but for now, all was fun and food.


FIN


Sun Nov 18, 2007 5:00 pm
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Shiny_Rapidash wrote:
One, that is not what I said, and two, I will be ignoring Ghett0's posts here after this. I wish I could delete them myself, but, sadly, I can't, so I will just pay him no notice. On with the story!

_____________________________________________________________

They were soon joined by Ergot, Starfish's brother, who had been invited to try his method of purging hearts of evil on the Dark Celebi.
"May we begin? This will take a while. It involves being kind and generous to the point of seeming to be ridiculous. Like they say, the best way to defeat your foe is with love and kindness. And bribes. Lots of bribes."
He had plates of food brought in, along with toys and just about anything else that would tempt it. He let it out of the Master Ball, and told it, "If you will let us help you, we will give you all this and more!" It looked at Ergot, looked at a platter of fruit on a cart, eyed them all suspiciously, then looked back at the fruit. It nodded and let out a squeal of delight when Ergot nodded back. The hard work of savng it would soon begin, but for now, all was fun and food.


FIN

Wow, ignoring comments..
Ghett0 was only explaining that it's an obvious cop-out to say 'oh yeah, he looks like this or something' which is what you did.
He also stated that he's also seen people post pictures of what they want the main character to look like, as they aren't as developed as others to actually describe how they look. So, you obviously did ignore his comment, as you yourself didn't even understand what it meant...

I hope your story isn't fully finished, but by saying 'fin' like that I'm not sure.

5/10

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 5:35 pm
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I ADMIT I ENDED THIS EARLY SO I COULD TRY ANOTHER IDEA, AS I ONLY DO STORIES ONE AT A TIME, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY THIS WAS COMING OUT. I WILL BE TRYING A NEW IDEA SOON. IT WILL BE CALLED "JUST BEYOND THE HORIZON" AND IT'S GOING TO START SOON.


Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:03 pm
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Shiny_Rapidash wrote:
I ADMIT I ENDED THIS EARLY SO I COULD TRY ANOTHER IDEA, AS I ONLY DO STORIES ONE AT A TIME, AND I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY THIS WAS COMING OUT. I WILL BE TRYING A NEW IDEA SOON. IT WILL BE CALLED "JUST BEYOND THE HORIZON" AND IT'S GOING TO START SOON.

...seriously. >.>

You really could've just said that
"Sorry, I ended this early as it wasn't really going anywhere; so I'm going to start a new plotline. The new story will be called "Just Beyond the Horizon" and it will start soon."
Yelling at your readers won't help your story get better, and therefore your comments won't get better. Decent story but it ended too early, too bad.

4/10

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Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:47 pm
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