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 This is my first Story so............. 
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
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I trust that Aiden and the 17 year old will not be taking advantage of that champagne?

Again, any sound, even one like "Ding" Should be placed in quotation marks. Start a new paragraph when somebody speaks.
End all sentences in a period
You have no description of the crash scene. Trust me, descriptions are important.
Good hook. If the reader read this far, they likely won't stop now.
A little short. Following my description recommendation, and this should clear up.

Overall, it still needs some work. It is, however, a great improvement from your previous chapters.

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Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:50 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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How long has it been??? :P

Here ya go!!!!
_______________________________________

A few minutes later, Aiden found himself in a hospital sitting next to Elizabeth and beside Elizabeth was the bratty but rich princess. Elizabeth's face looked like she was in pain, she was helpless, she was vunerable. His thoughts laid with her as he went to find the doctor. He walked down the cold hallway, he could hear many patients moaning and groaning. There were doctors and nurses all along the hallway, the doctors weere wearing the tradinational lab coats while the nurses, they were wearing their standard uniforms.

"Doctor, doctor. Excuse Me" Aiden shouted at the Doctor." Is she going to be alright?"

"Well, the princess, she's going to be fine, but" He took a slight pause. Elizabeth, she well..." He stumbled again. "May have brain damage and I mean permanent."

Aiden gasped in terror, if she had brain damage she may not remember the agency and most importantly him. She would be gone, just gone. She would lose her mystic, her aroma. She would lose almost everthing that she was.

"How long till we know?" he questioned, worringly.

"Hmm." He thought for a minute." 2- 3 Days."

Aiden started to almost cry with saddness and despair.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Fri Nov 16, 2007 5:04 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Nobody's replied...*sniff sniff*

________________________________

The air was full of sadness and tears.

Aiden was snoring, it was like a bear rampaging. Aiden woke up because he could hear Elizabeth groaning, he could see her eyelids opening slowly and weakly.

"Eli...Eliz". Then he stumbled."Elizabeth".

He ran for the doctor.

A few hours later....

"Well looks like the Princess and errm Mary can go" said the doctor with uncertaintecy.

Aiden walked out of the sickness-bearing hosipital, which was covered in bacteria and viruses.

Boom!!!

What was that?

"Get in the car" said Aiden in fear. "I SAID GET IN THE CAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!

Elizabeth started to cry as soon as she entered the car, the Princess simply gave an annoyed grunt, she was like a bull aiming at a red towel.

"Take them to the airport, ok?" said Aiden to the driver. "Don't stop, for anything. GO!!!"

The taxi drove of into the distance, into the sunset which was a nice orange colour.

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<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:22 am
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Pokemon Master
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nobody should like a story that uses more than one ?/! anyway.

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Fri Nov 23, 2007 9:33 am
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Pokemon Master
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Well, first I'm going to list the negative I saw.

For one thing the chapters are short, a bit more content in each post please. Another was the characters, the way you describe them makes the seem very much Mary Sues. "she was a vision of loveliness; a vision of beauty, she was perfect." and "Aiden was a tall, smart and handsome boy whose many interests included games, computers, and most importantly girls." Are what I mean. Also your story is coming on a bit too fast, first you're character is in the classroom, then he walks out, then he is assigned a secret mission. You could at least give a bit of warning. And finally, the development, it is chapter 4 or 5 and I still have no idea what Aiden looks like, and I mean more detail than "Tall, smart and handsome boy".

And now for positive :).

You improve with each chapter and listen to your reader's advice, a trait that is (sadly) not the easiest to find. Also you're grammar is good, not great, but good; another thing that will help you become a very good writer.

Keep on writing, you are getting better.

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Fri Nov 23, 2007 11:56 am
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