Okie dokie, if they caught grammatical errors you need to go through and proofread it. I'm not in the mood to sort through it all.
Double space between paragraphs, it's easier to read online since tabs and indents don't work. Thank you for starting a new paragraph everytime someone speaks, that's usually this issue that has to be hashed out.
A book, by the way, is at least 50,000 words. And there's no predetermined length for the chapters, I usually say make it as long as it needs to be. After a while you'll just know intuitively when to end it. I actually didn't mind your original first chapter (granted I usually skim and not read). I will say this, you should read How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy
by Orson Scott Card. If you're thinking of writing a book, do your research and read some other writing books. Even if you think you're fine, do it anyway (this goes for everyone).
Anyway, Card in his book says that writing a chapter that "sets up" the world is actually a bad thing, and I'd have to agree. So, your new first chapter I'm not really fond of, I'd rather find this stuff out during the course of the book.
The first chapter is usually horrible, because honestly, it's really hard to write. Think about it, you're trying to cajole the readers to read more without giving too much or too little away. If I were you, I would use your old chapter 1 still, just revamp it. Don't worry though, my first chapter for Prince of Peace
is horrible (everyone can tell I didn't really want to write it), but I'm not too concerned about it at the moment; I decided to work on it after I finish the rest of it. As a writer you have to look at where you want to go, your current motivation and mood, and what your priorities are when you write. When I was writing the first two chapter so PoP
all I wanted was to be writing Chapter three, I'm sure everyone can tell I was impatient. My point is, try not to get too wrapped up in it. There's nothing saying that you have to change it now
The brilliant sun shone through the bright yellow curtains
So, one of my current books, The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes (and How to Avoid Them)
by Jack M. Bickham, talks about writing "poetically." To put it simply, he says just don't.
May I offer a different way to open the scene?
The morning sun illuminated Liat's bright yellow curtains. He managed to crawl out of bed and walk over to his dresser all while fighting the urge to lay down where he stood and return to slumberland. His grogginess disipated as he dressed in his typical jeans and woke up his twin brother. Tor's electric powers sent a shock through both of them, and Liat found himself wide awake and with his hair standing on end. Tor, of course, didn't look any different after the shock; his hair was always on end except when he was wet.
That's about all I can come up with right now, I don't have a lot of time to go through everything. I'll be out of town for a while so don't be surprised if I don't get back to anyone.
Link changed to my library.