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 The Elements 
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Pokemon Ranger
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Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
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This is my first book, and I was considering sending it to a publisher, but I decided to get some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. It is rated K, so I recomend you be at least 9 before reading. It is an adventure/action story. Enjoy!


((Look down, as the first chapter stunk))

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Last edited by Thunder_dude7 on Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:28 pm, edited 4 times in total.



Thu Oct 04, 2007 5:02 pm
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Fails at life
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I'm saying this to way to many Fanfic's, but Crimson needs to see this.

But on my hand, the chapter's could definitly be longer... but this is decent. Also, you need to set up the characters a littke better, because you've left me confuzzled, a little to much so. And I always ask this question, are you using Word? But all in all I have a depresing consensus:

010 (Just kidding)

But my real consensus is slightly sad:

Not to good of an impresion of thhe first chapter, at the moment not really ready for a publisher.


Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:55 am
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Pokemon Master
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As Treeckomaster said, this isn't ready publishing. For a start, there are a number of grammatical issues that, as Treeckomaster also stated, could easily be identified by Word.

Also, there seems to be no history regarding any of the characters. It's almost like the reader has been thrown into the story with the expectancy that one should automatilcally where this place is, why the hell it's in the clouds (which I think I might have misunderstood) and why the characters have these powers that are described sparingly.

I mean, you're making references to these powers, but not actually backing them up with the history of them. The sport also seems broken and just...peculiar.

I would usually leave this sort of fiction alone, because it's obvious that you are writing it as you think it, almost as a fantasy. I used to do this for fun, just sit and write ideas down in a 'what if' sort of fashion. However, the fact you mentioned publishing pulled me in. This is not near publishing for a good while.

And, quoting Treeckomaster once again, take what Crimson says in your stride. She's good with this sort of stuff, listen to her. ;) I look forward to your next chapter that has all of our reccomendations in it.

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Fri Oct 05, 2007 10:39 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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((Keep looking down))

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Last edited by Thunder_dude7 on Fri Oct 05, 2007 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Fri Oct 05, 2007 2:37 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Okie dokie, if they caught grammatical errors you need to go through and proofread it. I'm not in the mood to sort through it all.

Double space between paragraphs, it's easier to read online since tabs and indents don't work. Thank you for starting a new paragraph everytime someone speaks, that's usually this issue that has to be hashed out.

A book, by the way, is at least 50,000 words. And there's no predetermined length for the chapters, I usually say make it as long as it needs to be. After a while you'll just know intuitively when to end it. I actually didn't mind your original first chapter (granted I usually skim and not read). I will say this, you should read How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy by Orson Scott Card. If you're thinking of writing a book, do your research and read some other writing books. Even if you think you're fine, do it anyway (this goes for everyone).

Anyway, Card in his book says that writing a chapter that "sets up" the world is actually a bad thing, and I'd have to agree. So, your new first chapter I'm not really fond of, I'd rather find this stuff out during the course of the book.

The first chapter is usually horrible, because honestly, it's really hard to write. Think about it, you're trying to cajole the readers to read more without giving too much or too little away. If I were you, I would use your old chapter 1 still, just revamp it. Don't worry though, my first chapter for Prince of Peace is horrible (everyone can tell I didn't really want to write it), but I'm not too concerned about it at the moment; I decided to work on it after I finish the rest of it. As a writer you have to look at where you want to go, your current motivation and mood, and what your priorities are when you write. When I was writing the first two chapter so PoP all I wanted was to be writing Chapter three, I'm sure everyone can tell I was impatient. My point is, try not to get too wrapped up in it. There's nothing saying that you have to change it now.

Quote:
The brilliant sun shone through the bright yellow curtains

So, one of my current books, The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes (and How to Avoid Them) by Jack M. Bickham, talks about writing "poetically." To put it simply, he says just don't.

May I offer a different way to open the scene?

    The morning sun illuminated Liat's bright yellow curtains. He managed to crawl out of bed and walk over to his dresser all while fighting the urge to lay down where he stood and return to slumberland. His grogginess disipated as he dressed in his typical jeans and woke up his twin brother. Tor's electric powers sent a shock through both of them, and Liat found himself wide awake and with his hair standing on end. Tor, of course, didn't look any different after the shock; his hair was always on end except when he was wet.


That's about all I can come up with right now, I don't have a lot of time to go through everything. I'll be out of town for a while so don't be surprised if I don't get back to anyone.

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Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:35 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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whoops... my use of pronouns could use work. It's Liat that has electric power. Anyway, I'm going to work on this a bit for a while.

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Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:55 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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Will a mod please lock this? I find no reson to continue posting my story here if nobody will help me improve my writing.

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Fri Oct 05, 2007 7:03 pm
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