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 The Way to Ever Grande 
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Bug Catcher
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Hi!!!This is Modest Milotic!!!This is my second post since I joined(5 minutes ago :) :) ) , so don't judge me harshly.As the main reason I joined psypoke was to post my creative view of a pokemon adventure I Canalave Library shall be my regular base.Oops,gotta go!!!Coming just in a while!!

(After a while......) I'm back with the first chapter of a story that just bumped into my head and couldn't get out.So,here it is:

Chapter 1.

The sun rises in vivid orange as the silence of Littleroot Town is broken by an alarm clock ring and an angry voice echoing in the attic of the northernmost house of the town, next to the opening of Route 101.

"What the...Oh, damn, I'm late!", she said and jumped out of her bed with a thumb.She dressed hurriedly, descended the stairs and greeted Julia, her mother with a big grin in her face. "Mom,I'm late! Wish me luck!". "Good luck dear, take care!", she said and longingly watched her daughter speeding off in the distance, remembering her own anxiety when she was about to go on her adventure.Swampy, her trusty starter, growls at her, knowing what her trainer is thinking.

As the girl that happens to be named Rose, and also happens to be turning 11 this day, is standing in front of the door of the lab. Her heart beats fast and her mind is already filling with scenes of triumph and joy. She takes a deep breath and enters the lab.

In front of her stands a bearded man wearing a lab coat and a pair of sandals. "Hi,Rose!", said the man also known as Professor Birch, "Today you turned 11, didn't you? It's time for you to go on your very own adventure and explore the world of Pokemon! So, you will be given a starter Pokemon to raise. You will battle with it, raise it and aim for the top!Now, would you please pick one of these three Pokemon?", he said and showed her a table on which were three Pokemon." They are Mudkip, the water Pokemon, Treecko, the grass Pokemon, and Torchic, the fire Pokemon. Which is your choice?". "I don't know, they're all so cute... Tell me Professor, Mudkip evolves into Swampert?", Rose asked. "Eventually, yes", he said, knowing the reason for the girl's question."Yet, I want to do something different, not just copy my mother.So,I pick the Torchic",she said and gave the Torchic a hug, which it gave back happily.

"Ah,this girl already likes you!!" ,Professor Birch said, and picked a device from the table."I also want you to have this Pokedex",he said and gave the device to Rose."It's an encyclopedia which contains data of all the pokemon known.Try to fill it as much as you can". "I will,Professor", Rose said and exited the lab, with Torchic following.

The hot sun is majestically beaming upon the ground as Rose gains her backpack and Running Shoes from Julia and 5 Pokeballs from Professor Birch."OK, I'm set", Rose said and hugged Julia."I'll be OK,mom"." I know you will,dear", she said, and watched her daughter exiting Littleroot Town and entering a patch of grass, before dissapearing completely.


End of Chapter 1.


Last edited by Modest Milotic on Mon Sep 24, 2007 6:26 am, edited 5 times in total.



Fri Sep 21, 2007 1:59 pm
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Pokemon Master
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Dude, you need to make a bit of the story before posting. Glad for another person in the library though :).

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Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:01 pm
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Pokemon Master
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Excellent, another good writer for the Canalave Library.

Well, it's well written, though a little akward in some places. Also, watch out for tenses, it switches a couple of times:


Quote:
...Rose said and exited the lab...


Quote:
The hot sun is majestically beaming upon the ground


Other than that, good effort! I look forward to reading more. :)

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Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:56 pm
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Gym Leader
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You can improve the structure a lot. Putting everything together like that is annoying and confusing.

Here's a link to the Decent Fic Guide. It should help you, at least a bit, on how to organize the actions and happenings on your story.

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Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:20 am
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Pokemon Master
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Modest Milotic wrote:
"I also want you tohave this Pokedex.",he said and gave the device to Rose."It's an encyclopedia which contains data of all the pokemon known.Try to fill it as much as you can"."I will,Professor", Rose said and exited the lab, with Torchic following.


Spaces good :lol: . Usually you put a space after punctuation; ". I" instead of ".I". Also this story looks kind of plain, common, it's good but you need to put in another factor to make it yours. eg. team rocket having a special weapon, an insane psychopath going around stealing pokemon etc.

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Sat Sep 22, 2007 9:51 am
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Pokemon Ranger
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Welcome to PsyPokes and the Library! Now, I had already typed a lovely post for you, but my internet crashed before I could hit "submit". I was sad...Since I don't feel like going over everything again I'm just going to give a brief overview. Like the others said you have structure issues.

Technically, you should have one space after commas and semicolons while colons and periods should have two. As long as you have one after each it won't be harped on (by me at least).

A new paragraph begins every time a different character speaks no matter how short the dialogue is.

Present tense is actually harder for the mind to comprehend, so writing in past tense is easier to read.

I hate to break it to you Dunsparce, but if Team Rocket is not much better. I'm sure another factor will show up eventually; it's not a bad thing to let people get to know the main character(s) before introducing the conflict.

I think "wistfully" would've been a better choice of words than "longingly". Overall, the story sounded akward and it gave me the impression you were trying to sound more impressive than you really are. Don't fret too much, most of us have done this at some point.

You have other grammatical issues I don't feel like covering right now so I'd spend some more time proofreading, or have someone else read it (someone willing to tell you that there are problems).

Try reading some of the other stories here; you may be able to see some of your own mistakes. Look through the stickies and the rules (since you didn't yet) while you're at it.

I hope to see more of you around here!

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Sat Sep 22, 2007 1:59 pm
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Pokemon Master
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Crimson wrote:
I hate to break it to you Dunsparce, but if Team Rocket is not much better. I'm sure another factor will show up eventually; it's not a bad thing to let people get to know the main character(s) before introducing the conflict.


Just an example :roll: .

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Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:17 pm
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Bug Catcher
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Thanks for all the tips, guys , I really see how I can improve the story. Galar, your Decent Fix guide is awesome, though I can't really write a perfectly structured and punctuated text. Oh, and Dunsparce, I don't really feel like killing anyone so early, though I must admit that it adds a bit of suspense in the story. Anyway, after several electronic breakdowns of my stupid computer, I managed to write the second chapter of the story. Hope you like it!!! :D :D

Chapter 2.

After several nervous breakdowns and cries of complaint, Rose finally reached the summit of a seemingly never-ending hill. Trying to catch her breath, she looks around, and her eye spots a huge tree in the right. She lets out a sigh of relief and runs to hide in its shadow.

"Torchic, bring me my backpack", Rose said, hearing a beeping sound coming from there. Torchic run to fullfil the task her trainer gave her, stumbling in her hurry. " Thanks, Torchic", Rose said and opened her backpack, searching for the cause of the sound she was hearing. "Where stuck here for hours", she said to herself, "and we have to get to Oldale before nightfall". Just then she found the source of the sound; a flashing device with many buttons. She pressed one, and a voice came out of the device.

"Hi, darling!! How are you?", the voice said. "I'm fine, mom. How was this thing put in my pack?", Rose asked, withdrawing Torchic to her Pokeball. "That's your birthday present! It's called a PokeNav, and its an essential tool for every trainer". Rose hesitated for a moment, then thanked her and ended the call. "I won't be seeing her for a long time. But now, I'd better hurry", she said to herself and grabbed her pack, setting off.

Later on, Rose lets out a shout of delight at the sight of the houses of Oldale Town lying in the distance. "Thank God, I've made it", she said and run to that direction. Just a few steps away her eye caught a movement in her left. She turned around to see a green, rocket-fast creature coming out of the grass and hovering above her head. She flipped her Pokedex open and pointed it at the creature. The Pokedex pinged for a second, and words appeared in its screen. "Taillow, the Tinyswallow Pokemon. It's very fast and gutsy. It can hold its ground against opponents with multiple size, but is extremely weak when hungry", the robotic voice said, and Rose noticed a little dot in the top left of the screen. She clicked on it and another text appeared. "Alternate Coloration. Next to nothing is known about differently coloured Pokemon except that they're very rare and that some trainers seek them with the purpose of displaying them as trophies".

Rose turned the Pokedex off, and looked at the tiny bird that kept circling in the air. "Well, I'm not going to make you a trophy, but I'm going to catch you", she said, and released Torchic from its Pokeball.

The Taillow noticed the newcomer and ended its circling flight, suddenly rushing to Torchic, with its wings spread wide. Torchic managed to evade the attack in the last second and Taillow crashed on the ground. "Now, Torchic, use Ember", said Rose, and Torchiclet out a shower of fire. Taillow took the attack full body, and cried in agony, soaring again to the sky. "Good job Torchic, use Tackle", Rose shouted, and Torchic jumped to the sky, crashing with Taillow. The attack did nothing to it, and it soared again in the sky, descending with breackneck speed to Torchic. The attack
was so fast that Torchic couldn't evade it, and Taillow's Wing Attack hit it hard. It stood up, staggering slightly. Taillow seemed sastisfied with the pain of Torchic, and suddenly dissapeared before Rose's very eyes. Rose couldn't believe what happened 'till she noticed a slight sound whizzing past her ear. Taillow was still there, but it was moving so fast that it was nvisible to the naked eye. "Well, that doesn't improve the situation", Rose said, but an idea suddenly formed in her head, an idea that could grant her both victory and a new Pokemon. "Torchic, use Focus Energy", she shouted, and Torchic closed its eyes, searching deep inside itself. Its eyes then reoppened, this time red. "Now, use Ember and Tackle", she said, and Torchic released its rain of fire, causing Taillow to lose its balance trying to avoid the attack. Torchic seized the chance and tackled Taillow, knocking it out. Rose then threw a Pokeball at Taillow, which was trapped inside. The Pokeball shook once, twice, then stopped. Rose yelled in joy and run to pick her Pokeball. Just then, a voice soaked in irony rose behind her, "I thought you'd never finish".

Rose turned around to see a boy in green trousers, wearing a black T-shirt and a black hat. "You can't even KO a Taillow in one hit, can you?", he said with a smirk in his face. "But I did just that, didn't I?", answered Rose, imitating the boy's sarcastic tone. "Yeah, but being a trainer isn't just battling weak wild Pokemon. You have to beat other trainers to be the best, like I am", he said in a pompous tone. "So you now have to battle me". Rose looked at him with a worried expression and remarked that her Pokemon are too injured to battle. The boy just laughed ironically and said, "Since you are an official Pokemon trainer, you can't refuse my challenge". Rose could not see another way and threw her two Pokeballs in the air. Her Taillow and Torchic came out with loud cries. The boy just smiled and threw his own. A wolf-like Pokemon and a Pokemon with strange patterns on its body came out. Rose pointed her Pokedex at the Pokemon, which the Pokedex identified as Poochyena, the Bite Pokemon, and Zigzagoon, the Tinyraccoon Pokemon. Hardly had she turned her Pokedex off when the boy ordered a double Tackle. Taillow and Torchic evade just in time, and retaliated with their own Tackles, which hit both foes hard. The boy then ordered another double Tackle, which Rose's Pokemon again evaded and retaliated. "See? I don't even have to order my Pokemon! They can't fight well enough without my help", Rose said and the boy frowned, obviously looking for a way to counter her words, concluding that she was not good enough to order them. He then ordered a Helping Hand. Zigzagoon stood next to Poochyena, and a golden thread connected them. Then Poochyena jumped up and run to Taillow with its fangs extended. Taillow evaded just in time and Torchic let out an Ember, fainting Poochyena instantly, but then a cry came out and Zigzagoon suddenly came in to view, curled in a ball, and hit Torchic, fainting it, but Zigzagoon kept rolling and crashed on a boulder. It stood up with an expression of pain on its face. Rose withdrew Torchic, and the boy just kicked the fainted Poochyena aside. Rose recognised Zigzagoon’s previous attack as a Double Edge, an attack that can almost kill the user. The boy just laughed at her expression, and said evily, “Now, where is that flashy bird?” .

End of Chapter 2

Oh, and I know I’m not doing that character speaking = new paragraph thing, but fanfic is allows such mistakes.


Tue Sep 25, 2007 5:55 am
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Pokemon Master
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Killing someone? Who said anything about killing anyone?

Now this is getting good, your devolving it nicely with the mean trainer. But the writing is kinda sketchy, maybe not enough transitions?

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Tue Sep 25, 2007 9:14 am
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