It is currently Mon Nov 24, 2014 9:37 am



Reply to topic  [ 41 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
 Just Beyond The Horizon **PG_13** 
Author Message
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
This is it!
EDIT: RATED PG-13 (I wasn't sure when I started, but now I know)
_____________________________________________________________

CHAPTER ONE
The small traveling party was trudging through thick brush in the middle of nowhere when they saw it. Something had darted across the path in front of them. An Electrike in the front of the group of trainers and Pokemon stopped, looked about fearfully, and jumped back in its Poke Ball. The trainers stopped and looked around, and one of them spotted what had frightened the Electrike. Someone gasped in shock. It was staring back at them, calm and utterly fearless. It had bright blue eyes, pale pink fur, and a very long tail. Of all the Pokemon, a Mew! The group stopped and watched it. The Mew shortly grew bored of this, and flew away into the forest. They dared not speak of the incident in public, because somebody would find the spot, and they knew it might end badly for all involved. But somehow, word got out, and several Team Rocket grunts were caught while setting cage traps in the area, which was by now being patrolled by small parties also searching for the Mew, plus a group of police officers who had decide to guard the site.


Last edited by Shiny_Rapidash on Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.



Mon Nov 19, 2007 10:10 pm
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
Uhm, first off, Where'd the Electrike's Pokéball come from? And you'd say just
Mew as opposed to the Mew, as Mew is one-of-a-kind. I have no idea who the main characters are, and I don't even know what anything looks like. And Mew is supposed to be the goddess of Pokémon; why'd the others run away? Not trying to sound harsh; I sometimes come off as sounding a bit harsh when
critiquing.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:58 am
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
Well you kinda just started out a bit too fast, you should add a bit more to why they are trudging through the woods. Also it is a bit short for a chapter, have a bit more detail in your posts. This would be a good beginning to the chapter, making clear the setting, but you (like ghetto said) need to introduce some kind of main character (or if it's mew, develop and make clear that it's mew).

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Last edited by dunsparce on Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:40 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
...What? I don't know much at all about anything in the story. Where are they? WHO are these people? Where did that Poke Ball come from? You need to be clear and introduce the characters more clearly.

_________________
Image


Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:54 pm
Profile
Dragon Tamer
Dragon Tamer
User avatar

Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2007 6:12 am
Posts: 240
Location: COME TO MA FORUM (clicky on siggy)
Post 
Try and set the stage a little more effectively. Right now, the reader knows practically nothing, and the few tidbits of info the reader does now is rather foggy and unclear. Other than that: its good that you use proper grammar, something a lot of people dont do :wink:

_________________


Wed Nov 21, 2007 6:28 am
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
Post 
Look, in this story, most of the human characters are vague and ambiguous because they are not the stars of the story. And in response to Ghett0, that is because there are more than one in this story. By the way, the Pokemon in this story can talk, but they usually don't when we are listening. Read on and you shall see what I mean.

_____________________________________________________________

The Mew zipped through the forest, headed for a secret spot deep within. The moon was rising, the nocturnal Pokemon were emerging from their hiding, and a meeting had been called.
Soon it reached a rock outcropping, a pile of granite boulders in the center of a circle of bare ground. It called out, "Moonlistener is here for the meeting!" Another Mew appeared from a gap in the pile. It answered, "Soulwalker has called this meeting. It is an emergency!"
They both crawled back into the pile, to a cavern in the center. Moonlistener was afraid, for the first time in centuries. If Soulwalker had to call a meeting, the news couldn't be good.


Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
Ahh...I see. It's like the Warriors series, but with mews instead of cats. But, like your last story, you should be more clear as to what chapter we are on. Just mention it in the author's note. Now, again, you should be answering the questions in the story. If this were a book, you couldn't be standing there while the person was reading it an answer questions. Answer them in the story. However, this bit has made it clear that this isn't about them. So, just make sure they are answered in story. Other then that, this isn't bad at all.

_________________
Image


Wed Nov 21, 2007 5:32 pm
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
Post 
CHAPTER TWO
There was a group of about seven Mew, all gathered in a semicircle around an eighth, who was a shiny. This was Soulwalker. Soulwalker shouted, "The situation is getting worse. I have received a message of warning from a strange creature. The strange creature said that we would face an unbelieveable threat, and that we shall all perish if we fight it." The group gasped in unison. "I believe you, my dear Soulwalker," A deep, echoing voice sounded from outside the rock pile. "YOU ASKED IT TO STAND GUARD?" Moonlistener shouted. "Of course, young one. It is our flesh and blood kin, after all. And I knew you would never trust it, so I arranged for you to arrive before it did," Soulwalker replied calmly. Moonlistener answered, "I know you are wise, but still, I don't understand."


Last edited by Shiny_Rapidash on Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.



Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:15 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2007 11:24 am
Posts: 1152
Location: IN THE EMOTIONLESS TRAWLING FERVOR'S OF MY INSANE MIND.
Post 
Now this is better, now I understand who the main characters are. But the first chapter seems kind of irrelevant now, but keep going, I'm sure it has some point.

I still have issue with the length though, maybe other people do the same thing but personally, I like long chapters.

_________________
ImageImage
^DarkCosmos, Poems^


Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:42 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
You still aren't being very clear as to what chapter this is. Is this one? Two? Maybe three?

If this is its own chapter, it's very short. So are the others.

Start a new paragraph when somebody speaks. I had a bit of trouble figuring out who was saying what.

I must say, I am curious as to what sort of threat they are facing and what the creature is. Good work there. This is an example of what being mysterious is when it is good. Wait a second...

Shiny_Rapidash wrote:
Of course, young one. It is our flesh and blood kin, after all.


NOW I think I know what that creature is.

Shiny_Rapidash wrote:
There was a group of about seven Mew, all gathered in a semicircle around an eighth, who was a shiny.


When you are describing a scene, be specific. You also state that the one in the center is the eighth mew, so put something like this:

Quote:
There was a group of seven Mew, all gathered in a semicircle around an eighth, who was a shiny.


Quote:
There was a group of about seven Mew, all gathered in a semicircle around one more, a shiny.


You also just say that the Mew is shiny. Instead, describe the different colors. I have no clue what a shiny Mew looks like.

Well, that's all. Now, to the psydex so I can see a picture of a shiny Mew...

_________________
Image


Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:49 pm
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
Post 
A shiny Mew is bright blue, in case more of you were going to ask.

_____________________________________________________________

In an instant, the meeting was thrown into chaos. An alarm was shouted outside, and all but Moonlistener and Soulwalker teleported away. "Cowards!" Soulwalker shouted over the din of battle outside.
Moonlistener nodded in silent agreement before they both wormed their way outside to join the fight. That always takes a minute or two. What they found outside was terrifying. There was blood on the ground, pooling in low spots and dripping from the foliage, and dead humans draped over each other in heaps. Mewtwo sat in the center of the carnage, gasping for breath through shattered ribs. "I told you it was coming to this." Soulwalker said softly. Moonlistener nodded sagely.


Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:18 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
Your chapters are paragraph<s>s</s>.
Only one paragraph doesn't constitute a chapter.
Read a book--any book-- and you'll notice that the chapters are at least two paragraphs (well, if it's bad).
I'd start rethinking the next chapter to make it longer, but still have substance.

4/10

_________________
Image
afk


Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:40 pm
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
You also have a habit of not paying attention to my advice.

What chapter are we on? Again, if each post is a separate chapter, these are horribly short. Shorter then the chapters in "The Boy Who Spoke Dog", which is pretty bad. Go to the writing tips thread, where I have posted a small guide on how to make chapters longer.

Answer questions in the story. Throwing in the fact that he is bright blue isn't hard at all.

Start a new paragraph every time a person speaks. If a sentence contains speech, the entire sentence goes into a new paragraph.

_________________
Image


Thu Nov 22, 2007 5:25 am
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
Post 
How did you know I like "The Boy Who Spoke Dog"? Anyway, I'm not really dividing this into chapters very well. I admit that.
_____________________________________________________________

"What will we do about this?" Moonllistener muttered, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "Abandon this place. It is contaminated by shed blood. Not to mention we need to get help for our friend," Soulwalker was already helping Mewtwo to its feet by the time the statement sunk in. "Abandon this place?" Moonlistener said, though it knew why. Moonlistener then flew over to help, numb with the shock of the night's events. The trio picked their way down the brush-covered slope to the rural rest house where they knew they could get medical aid. Soulwalker told the others what to do when they got there. "First, you get in view of the dwelling place," it told Mewtwo. "Ask....help....from....THEM?" was the response. "It's your only chance!" Soulwalker snapped back. It continued, "And Moonlistener here gets their attention, of course." Moonlistener nodded automatically, still seeing the gory scene behind them in his mind.


Thu Nov 22, 2007 8:35 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
I didn't know. Wow. We like a lot of the same books. No new advice, just make it more clear what chapter we are on and start a new paragraph when somebody speaks.

_________________
Image


Thu Nov 22, 2007 8:40 pm
Profile
Pokemon Master
Pokemon Master
User avatar

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 am
Posts: 1559
Location: Dragon's Den
Post 
Thunder_dude7 wrote:
I didn't know. Wow. We like a lot of the same books. No new advice, just make it more clear what chapter we are on and start a new paragraph when somebody speaks.


Shiny Rapidash, perhaps if you actually took Thunder_dude7's advide, he might stop posting the same advice. I've seen countless polite reminders that you need to make your chapters longer, and that there are no chapter numbers, but you're taking none of it in.

There is too little to consider each of your 'updates' worthy enough to think about coming here. It needs more content, and I'm really enjoying the plot. The difference is, quite a lot of the writers here would have written all that over the course of about two chapters, with a lot more tension. I mean, in one 'chapter,' it forewarns of a problem, and in the second chapter, you have the problem out in the open. When writing fiction, you need to draw out the question that is posed in the reader's mind; not too long for them to forget or lose interest, but you can't reveal it to quickly either.


Quote:
A shiny Mew is bright blue, in case more of you were going to ask.


This sort of thing belongs in the story itself. While you write, you need to be asking yourself 'is everything clear to the reader?' And I'm afraid that the weight of the leader Mew being shiny was lost as it was just thrown in almost as an afterthought.


Quote:
Look, in this story, most of the human characters are vague and ambiguous because they are not the stars of the story. And in response to Ghett0, that is because there are more than one in this story. By the way, the Pokemon in this story can talk, but they usually don't when we are listening. Read on and you shall see what I mean.


There it is again. You're describing things outside of the 'chapter.' You should have made the human characters vague and ambiguous, and perhaps had a personal narration that emphasised how Pokemon rarely talk when near humans, etc. People want to read the fiction and enjoy it, not read the fiction and ask the author what on earth she means by x point.

The plot is pretty good though, I'm looking forward to seeing how this pans out.

_________________
Image

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."


Fri Nov 23, 2007 1:11 am
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
Post 
Soulwalker's plan worked. The woman who ran the rest stop managed to get Mewtwo inside and on a bed. It thought to itself, "Am I dreaming, or is she actually thinking about helping me?" She answered softly, "Of course. What else am I supposed to think?"
It suddenly grew unbelievably drowsy. Just before it fell asleep, it noticed a wooden sign on the inside of the door.
The sign read as follows
esto perpetua/
et infinita/
esto non Deos/
esto Lepus/

She muttered to herself when it had dozed off, "I can't believe they haven't come yet. I guess none of them can read Latin."


Sat Nov 24, 2007 8:38 pm
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
I have only one piece of advice:

Pay attention to our comments!

_________________
Image


Sat Nov 24, 2007 9:03 pm
Profile
Gym Leader
Gym Leader
User avatar

Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 11:04 am
Posts: 1320
Location: Sky Tower
Post 
Dammit.

Don't post fragments of chapters all the time. Instead, post the whole chapter when it's ready. This is annoying already.

And for God's sake listen to people's advice.

Do that again and I'm locking your thread, and any other you open until you prove you've learned.

_________________
Image


Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:07 am
Profile
Psychic Trainer
Psychic Trainer
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2007 5:42 pm
Posts: 65
Location: Nowhere...
Post 
When it awoke, the sun was barely visible over the trees. The woman said to it, "I see you have awoken. I know I can trust you to keep my secret." Suddenly, a long tail snaked its way up out the waist of her pants, as pale as the rest of her, but with a darker tip. "As you may have guessed already, my name is Rabbit. I am a fugitive experiment, like you. You must rest here and recover, of course. After that, if you tell another living being of what I told you, I shall find you and kill you. Yes, I am certainly capable of doing so. Would you like something to eat now?"


Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:19 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pm
Posts: 658
Location: Georgia, US
Post 
<img src="http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/poplers/dancinglock.gif" border="0" alt="Locked FTW">
:D

_________________
Image
afk


Sun Nov 25, 2007 8:45 am
Profile WWW
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pm
Posts: 716
Location: USA EST
Post 
I can tell that we're making you mad, and I can also tell that you're holding your tongue. Honestly, I don't know what would be more infuriating, arguing or being ignored.

We had this same issue in your other thread. And here's the same piece of advice:

<p align="center">LISTEN TO US</p>
The Library is for sharing our writing and getting critiqued. We might as well not tell you what else you need to improve upon until you come to terms with that. You still only expect and respond to praise. I hate to break it to you, but the only time you're going to only get praise here is by a n00b. If you refuse accept this and show that you're trying to improve, I only have one word for you (that maybe you'll listen to).

<p align="center">LEAVE.</p>

_________________
Link changed to my library.
Image


Sun Nov 25, 2007 10:11 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:25 am
Posts: 691
Post 
I agree with Crimson, listen to the critiques, it will help improve your story. It will also up your status as a writer. It is infuriating when people do not listen. Listening helps, it is a good thing.

_________________
Image
Clickage



<Derek> is anyone here ??
<AngrySparrow> No
<Derek> im gonna leave because no one is here
*** Derek has quit (Exit: Psypoke Forever!)


Sun Nov 25, 2007 10:27 am
Profile
Pokemon Ranger
Pokemon Ranger
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 am
Posts: 511
Location: Why do you care where I live?
Post 
Lock away, Galar.

_________________
Image


Sun Nov 25, 2007 10:34 am
Profile
Fails at life
Fails at life

Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2007 12:23 pm
Posts: 546
Location: Isn't my avatar just so cute! :D
Post 
Thunder_dude7 wrote:
Lock away, Galar.


Don't lock it if he actually listens though.

_________________
[img:18605e54da]http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/6489/spritingshackvb7.gif[/img:18605e54da]


Sun Nov 25, 2007 11:00 am
Profile
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Reply to topic   [ 41 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
Designed by STSoftware for PTF.