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THIS STORY IS RATED E.
(This fanfic may be a little rough, as I, sadly, tend to make the story as I write) My next post will begin to spin the yarn.


Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:11 pm
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The Trainer approached the massive tangle of jet-black vines with utmost caution. She knew what was in the center. She knew it already knew she was there. After all, she was a Psychic. She sensed it awaken, sensing those evil eyes opening for the first time in a thousand years. She automatically placed a hand on the Poke Ball at her waist that contained her Mightyena, ready to send it out at any moment. The Dark Celebi stirred within the vines restraining it, almost free from them.


Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:22 pm
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Her Mightyena came out of its Poke Ball, ready to fight. But there would be no fight. The Trainer pitched a Master Ball toward the Dark Celebi. The Master Ball fell to the ground at her feet. It twitched three times, and that was all. The vines seemed to disintegrate at that moment, vanishing in a plume of dust and black smoke. "I see you have found my little secret. Give me the Master Ball," a voice from behind her commanded. She passed out, along with her Mightyena.


Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:33 pm
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(More to come tomorrow night!)
-Shiny_Rapidash

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"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Thu Nov 08, 2007 7:36 pm
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Pokemon Ranger
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These chapters are way to short to be considered a chapter, assuming each post is a different chapter. Psychic isn't capitalized if you're calling a person that, it's not like it's their "type" as it is with Pokemon. The word "trainer" shouldn't be capitalized either.

And honestly...I have no connection with the characters. I don't care about what's happening and that's bad. All I keep wondering is what you're trying to do. I feel like you're trying to capture the reader's attention by trying to drag them into the action immediately...which can be a very successful technique if it's done correctly. I'm sorry to say it was not.

I also have a feeling that you're writing it for the first time in the post. That's something extremely discouraged. Always try to type up your story in something with a spellchecker. Preferably, use a word processor like Microsoft Word if you have access to it later.

Please don't try to blame anything on your way of writing. Lots of writers employ the same strategy and it works. I think it's just a matter of inexperience in this case.

Tips: stop trying to make everything mysterious. Widen the perspective and give the reader some understanding of where the story is and what's happening. You can see what's happening clearly because it's in your head. We can't, we have only what we're given.

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Thu Nov 08, 2007 8:15 pm
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Critics. That's how I do things, and I think you're just being a little too picky, even if you are a master. I do this professionally, so I know who my audience is. You are not my intended audience. I know from the way you picked it apart. I hate to put it so bluntly, but you should go insult someone who deserves it, not me. GOOD NIGHT!

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<center><img src="images/trainercards/shiny_rapidash.png"></center>
"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Fri Nov 09, 2007 4:04 pm
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You don't seem like you do this professionaly, as you put it. In fact, you don't seem to know much about writing either.

Everything Crimson said is true. I'm sorry that she sounded harsh, but her critics are far from insulting. In fact, you should listen to her.

You should definetly read the stickies around this Forum and some of the stories posted in here, or maybe even read some more. You didn't just post many extremely short chapters in a row (considering we're assuming each post is a new chapter), but you've also broken the rule of double/triple/quadruple posting, which is a general rule for ALL the forums of this community.

Listen to what Crimson said and try to work on your fiction to better it. It's clear that you have potential, you just have to work on some basics.

And the ranks don't give anyone the right to be cocky, if that's what you're thinking.

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Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:00 pm
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Whoa, what does my post count have to do with anything? I swear, they should just be disabled...Anyway, there's nothing wrong with me not matching your "intended audience." However, I have a distinct feeling that group is solely for the people who praise it with out giving advice, based on your reaction.

I'm not trying to insult you. I'm trying to help you improve; I'm supposed to be picky. So, do us all a favor and get the hell out of the stuck-up stage! Whether or not you want to hear it, the truth is you have a lot to improve on. It will be near impossible for you to improve unless you can admit this, completely. It's a hard lesson, but it's necessary.

I don't know who your intended audience is, and I really don't care. The fact remains that your story does have issues. What do you do professionally, write? Based on what's shown here...I really doubt that. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm being honest. I would be incredibly shocked if you were published and wrote this. Right now, your story doesn't cut it, anywhere. If I had submitted this to a teacher for a grade years ago I would have failed. My tutor would be very upset with me if I did this during our exercises and I was not trying to be funny.

Again, I'm not trying to insult you (nor do I give a damn about ranks or post counts). I want to help you, but I can't unless you let me. Look at some of the stories around here, books, magazines, other sites, etc. If you look around here read some of Ghost Writer, Obsidian Wolf, Psyches, or AAMB's work.

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Fri Nov 09, 2007 7:05 pm
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As Galar said, you certainly have potential, but I feel that it's wasted on short 'chapters,' as Crimson said. While the technique of trying to grasp the reader's attention is evidently being used by launching straight into the action, there is no history of the main character, or even of her name. If you had wanted her character to be shrouded in mystery, perhaps you should have used some literary device to convey that. I would certainly follow this fanfic, because it seems to have a good plot, but there's currently too little in the way of content for me to consider it.

And might I ask, who is your audience? The fact that you are writing this on a Pokemon forum that has an age limit on 13 means that you must be aiming your fiction at 13 year old (or above) Pokemon lovers, and there is too little content to satisfy their needs in my opinion.

Quote:
I hate to put it so bluntly, but you should go insult someone who deserves it, not me.


Crimson is not insulting you, she's helping you. No one here gets enjoyment from randomly picking people's works apart to shame them, we get enjoyment from helping people develop their potential. You are one such case, and while I don't want to call you a liar, from the looks of what you have posted thus far, I doubt that you are a published writer.

Oh, and thanks for the mention Crimson. Darkphantom02 should go on that list, he is actually a published writer as he writes for his newspaper. I suggest you read his works Shiny_Rapidash, it might help. ;)

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Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:08 am
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Crimson specifically said not to blame anything on your way of writing on and...

Shiny_Rapidash wrote:
That's how I do things, and I think you're just being a little too picky...


What Crimson did is what we always do. There is a difference between insulting and critiquing.

Insult wrote:
That is the worst piece of writing I have ever seen.

Critique wrote:
I don't feel any real connection to the characters...


See? We point out problems so that the writer can work on them in the future.

Now, time to critique!

You don't give any description of the characters or the surroundings. The only thing we know anything about is the tangle of vines, and we just know they are black.

Your chapters are short.

Start a new paragraph every time somebody speaks.

"Give me the master ball" ends in a period, not a comma.

Show don't tell. I say this to a lot of people.
Quote:
She passed out, along with her Mightyena

Instead, say something like this.
Quote:
She felt dizzy, and began to fall over. Mightyena rushed to stop her fall, but it fell over as well. The two could no longer see anyhting.

The latter is much more vivid, don't you think?

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Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:06 pm
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OK. I GET IT AND I READ THE STICKYS. BY THE WAY, THEY CAPITALIZE THE WORD TRAINER IN THE GAMES, NOT TO MENTION THE TRAINER "CATAGORIES" LIKE PSYCHIC. I CHECKED THAT. ALSO, EACH DAY'S STORY POSTS TOGETHER MAKE UP ONE CHAPTER. AND I CAN'T WRITE ANY OTHER WAY WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO GIBBERISH. I CAN ONLY DO IT MYSTERIOUS. AT LEAST PM ME IF YOU HAVE TO BE CRITICAL. WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS IN PUBLIC. PLEASE STOP BEATING ME UP ABOUT THIS (I DON'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY, EVEN THOUGH YOU GUYS AND GALS ARE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE SCHOOLYARD BULLIES). I AM GOING TO CONTINUE THE STORY SOON, DESPITE YOU ALL.

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<center><img src="images/trainercards/shiny_rapidash.png"></center>
"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Tue Nov 13, 2007 7:57 pm
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*sigh* You're dramatizing this entire thing. You're trying to be mysterious and it's not working. There are techniques that can be used to get this feeling across. It's clear you are fairly inexperienced in writing, so you don't have the practice that some of us do. That's fine, we're not perfect and there are certainly areas that we all can improve upon. I, for example, am horrible at action scenes; hopefully, I'll improve through practice. We're not saying we don't have issues with our own writing, but we've come to accept that we do need to improve. It took me a year to completely accept this reality of life. I'm very happy now that I have. I love writing and I don't think I would enjoy it nearly as much as I do if I never got over my self-righteous stage.

We're not trying to attack you as you're putting it. It's been stated multiple times that you have potential, that's a good thing! If we were trying to beat you down then we would be poor bullies if we pointed that out.

Right now, your story is comming out as gibberish to us and probably to other people who would read it as well. Remember, you know what's happening because it's in your head; we only have what we're given. I realize that the games capitalize the various words but this isn't one of the games. This is a story and there are different rules here.

If you can only write a small portion of a chapter each day, may I make a suggestion? Have a notebook that you can use to write each part of a chapter. Then, once the chapter's complete, type it up and post it. Because there was no way we could have known that your posts were the same chapter. We're used to seeing a different post as a different chapter because it breaks things up easier while reading.

You're going to continue? GOOD. I'm sure that the others will agree with me that they're happy to read that. We want to help you improve not beat you up. Writing is fun but it's a labor of love. There's a lot of effort and time put into it. The writer has to pay attention to a lot of things otherwise the reader will rip it apart and possibly never read your work again. That's something we never want to happen. We can help you with some things, but you have to meet us part of the way if you want to improve.

And I apologize, for myself. I'm known for comming across rather...harsh. That's why I made my signature a disclaimer. Trust me, you'll know, with out a doubt in your mind, if we ever insult you. And I promise that is not the case here. It's frustrating to see someone who can be so good not want to hear what we have to say. Take pride in your successes; learn more from your failures; but most of all, have fun. In the end, that's what writing is all about.

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Tue Nov 13, 2007 9:21 pm
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I'm sorry that I wrote that stuff last night. I type faster than I think. I'm pretty sad as far as thinking about what I type goes, especially when I fool myself into thinking I'm being put down. My sincerest apologies for the whole thing.
Next post will continue the story.

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<center><img src="images/trainercards/shiny_rapidash.png"></center>
"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:45 pm
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Why don't you just listen to Crimson and stop arguing?! It's not working at all. :frustrated:

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Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:59 pm
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(Oh, and I must add that they both passed at the same moment, and that they essentially just collapsed where they were standing a second earlier.)

When the trainer awoke, she found herself on the floor in a small, pitch-dark room that stank like burning plastic. She felt around and her hand touched something that felt like another hand, except it was very hot to the touch, and it felt like it was pulsating, as if to inaudiable music. After a moment, the hand felt hers, then grasped her wrist and roughly jerked her to her feet. She found herself staring into a pair of icy gray-blue eyes set in a small oval face, pale as a porcelain doll and seemingly devoid of any emotion.
"Hello. Looking for this?" The stranger bared his teeth in a sort of sick grin. He held what she thought was the Master Ball in front of her. She reached for it, as if on command, but it seemed to dissolve before her eyes.
"Silly mortal. I knew you would fall for that." He threw his head back and let out a maniacal cackle.
"The real one is not here. Follow me." Still gripping her wrist, he turned and started toward a door that was barely visible at what was appparently one end of the room.
"By the way, my name is Starfish. What's yours?"
"Tessa," she answered softly.
"Nice name. Kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?"
Her Mightyena awoke and followed them, growling softly at something unseen.


Wed Nov 14, 2007 7:27 pm
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I must say, you have improved.

Is that the whole chapter? It's still is a tad short.

I have a picture of the characters in my head, and I usually disregard descriptions of them, but for others, you should include them.

The guy seems friendly at times, yet hostile at others. It makes little sense.

But again, you have a boat load of potential.

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Wed Nov 14, 2007 7:38 pm
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(He's got serious emotional issues, if you are wondering why he acts like that.)
Back to the story in a moment. I just have to do my little writing ritual (get a soda, flex my wrists, get myself in the correct state of mood, etc.). I promise you, it will get more coherent as i write.

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"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Thu Nov 15, 2007 11:53 am
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He led the pair through the door, down a very long hallway, and into another room. The room seemed empty, except for a bookshelf against one wall. Mightyena turned to it and began to snarl loudly. Starfish turned to the bookshelf and said,
"You don't have to hide, Ruby. And try a different disguise next time. You know other ones."
The 'bookshelf' let out a rather annoyed-sounding "La," and turned back into a Latias. She turned to Mightyena and stuck out her tongue before zooming out the open door and turning to go further down the hall.
"I don't know where she learned to do that," Starfish said, smiling as if he thought that was a joke.


Thu Nov 15, 2007 12:17 pm
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The emotional issues are fine, but you can't tell the reader "He has emotional issues" as they read.

Include descriptions. Is the hallway dreary or bright and happy?

She sure doesn't make a big deal out of the legendary Pokemon.

Don't change paragraphs in mid sentence. Start a new paragraph at the beginning.

Could you make it clearer what chapter we are on here? Are we still on chapter one?

You need to try and stretch the actions out more, because a lot has happened in a short time for the reader. You need to put vivid descriptions on EVERYTHING. Check out the quotes I put in Ghetto's new fanfic.

You say that the shelf turned back into a Latios, but you never mentioned Latios turning into one in the first place. It should say it turned into a latios, rather then back into one.

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Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:19 pm
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Ok. But the post where I said he has issues wasn't part of the story. I was explaining to you why he acted that way in the story because you didn't know that. Also, I said the bookshelf turned back into a Latias because it was a Latias originally. And this post isn't part of the story. The next one will be, though. I tell when I am going to continue the story in the next post. Do you notice now?

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<center><img src="images/trainercards/shiny_rapidash.png"></center>
"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Thu Nov 15, 2007 6:14 pm
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Yes, I do, but What if a person was reading this in, say, a book and didn't understand? You couldn't tell them that he has issues. You need to creatively place that fact into the story.

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Thu Nov 15, 2007 6:35 pm
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The wrong way wrote:
He ran to his bed swiftly, sobbed, and lay his head up against his soft pillow, and hid under the covers. He didn't want anybody to know of this. He has emotional issues.


Do you see how wrong it looks? It's out of place. You could say instead;

The right way wrote:
(Character's name) emotionally broke apart, though not unusual for him, it was still to more of an extent than normal. He precipitously dashed for his bed, got down, and lay his head against the soft pillow. In fear somebody might see him, he got under the covers, and tried to mute the crying sound. He was there for a long time, but it seemed much longer than it actually was for him. His eyes dried up, he peeked out of the covers, and made an effort to recover. His face was red and looked like a mess.


The first sentence saying it was not unusual for him tells us he's emotionally unstable. See?

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Thu Nov 15, 2007 7:09 pm
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Starfish walked up to the far wall, paused for a moment, and then casually strolled through it. Tessa heard him call back to her, "Follow me. That wall's an illusion, but don't tell just anyone that!" She took a deep breath, and stepped through the wall. Her Mightyena followed. They were greeted with the sight of a Floatzel standing in front of another door, on the other side of the small room they now stood in. "We have guests, Silas." The Floatzel stepped smartly aside. They entered the next room.


Thu Nov 15, 2007 7:19 pm
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Very short. And we don't know anything about Starfish yet or the character. Tell us. We also want to know Silas' personality; just tell us it in your own creative way.

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Thu Nov 15, 2007 7:55 pm
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I am seriously annoyed by most of your comments, not all, forcing me to stop telling the story to answer you. I ASKED YOU ALL TO PM ME IF YOU HAVE COMMENTS! THAT MEANS YOU AS WELL, Ghett0!

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<center><img src="images/trainercards/shiny_rapidash.png"></center>
"The moss is soaked in bile," Spottedleaf explained. "Don't get any in your mouth, or you'll have a foul taste for days. Press it onto the ticks and then wash your paws-in a stream, not with your tongue!"


Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:03 am
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