A Satirical Essay
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Author:  Charphlokenapoar [ Sat May 11, 2013 6:00 am ]
Post subject:  A Satirical Essay

EDIT (12 Nov. 2013): The following is an essay I wrote in college that I felt like sharing with y'all. The assignment was to write a satire, and I feel I did an excellent job. Please note that the following views and opinions expressed do not reflect my own. Satire is a straight-faced joke, poking fun at a certain aspect of... something. I'm not good at defining things, so look it up. "Are there any facts to support any of the following claims?" asks no one. "No," answers I, "and there's not meant to be." So please, enjoy this essay, as I do every time I read it.

Petition to Ban Gay Marriage

There are many things wrong with this country today: elderly drivers, student drivers, pedestrians, bikers, used-car salesmen, Jehovah's Witnesses, Stan Lee, tech support, the United States Postal Service, hippies, Honey Boo-Boo, the creators of the Magic Jack, anyone named Kaz, sharks, Gobstoppers, Pee-Wee Herman, Battlestar Galactica (the new one)... the list is nearly endless. But chief among them, reigning supreme and stylish, are the homosexuals. It's not enough that they have to exist, but they want equality, too! Now they want the right to marry. What, San Francisco isn't enough for you? So I have compiled a few reasons why gay marriage--and homosexuality in general--should not be allowed, and I hope you all agree with me and will support this most noble cause.

The first thing is that being gay is not natural. In America, we only do things the natural way. We only buy products that exist naturally. We only eat foods that come from nature. We reject anything unnatural, like music discs, cellular phones, and air conditioning. In the first years of our lives as a species, about six thousand years ago when the world was created, we were programmed to be attracted to members of the opposite sex. And from two STRAIGHT people spawned over seven billion humans, all related to each other. It's not natural for men to be attracted to men or women to be attracted to women. But it is perfectly natural to be attracted to relatives. Just ask the South. They're doing things right down there.

Another thing is that gay marriage will encourage people to be gay. Everyone knows it's a choice. Just look at college 'experiments'. With the increase of homosexuals in the public eye, the gay will begin to rub off. Just like when you are around tall people and you become taller, if you are around gay people you will become gay. Pretty soon, there will be so many gay people that we will begin to die off. The future of our race depends on the abolishment of homosexuality. Of course, if you're okay with your children's children living in a hollow, shattered, corrupt world where anything is okay, then that's fine. At least you won't be around to see it. They will have killed you by then.

Legalizing gay marriage is just the first step on a slippery slope. What's next, legalizing dog marriage? Once that's legal, then what? All sorts of crazy things, like marrying a refrigerator, or a bag of cereal, or your mailbox. All of which is possible, because as everyone knows, those objects have legal standing and can sign a marriage contract, something that you need to legally be married. It's just the first step, the gateway drug, if you will. It will open the floodgates, bringing about the ruination of our great country. Once gay and dog and toaster marriage is legal, our country will cease to function properly, and our society will crumble.

Gay marriage is a fairly new concept. Everyone knows that homosexuality was invented in the late sixties by the German scientist Franz-Johan von Gleichfalls. Straight marriage, however, has been around a long, long time, and it hasn't changed at all since its founding. Women are still considered property just as they were in the formative years of the concept of marriage. Blacks still cannot marry whites. Divorce is still illegal. If you marry a woman under the impression she is a virgin, and then find out otherwise, you can stone her to death. These are all ancient yet relevant laws of marriage that are still around to this day, and another one of those laws, the most important one of all, is that a man cannot marry a man.

If gay marriage is allowed, then straight marriage will be less meaningful. Now, when a man and a woman marry, it's special, because not everyone can do that. But if gay marriage is allowed, then the sanctity of marriage will be undone. The holiness of Newt Gingrich's many marriages and Britney Spears' fifty-five hour marriage will be destroyed. People like Kim Kardashian, who marry a professional athlete and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and film the wedding process to be viewed by dozens of Americans and make gazillions of dollars, only to get divorced seventy-two days later, will no longer be the pinnacles of our society. The focus will be on the wacky, insane, crazy homosexual marriages.

Another reason that gay marriage should not be legal is because it does not produce children. Marriage is for procreation. If we say that marriage is not for procreation, then what's to stop a father from marrying his daughter? They could do it simply for any tax breaks. It wouldn't be for procreation--that wouldn't even be a part of it--it would simply be for cheaper car insurance for the daughter and possibly the father, depending on his age. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because we don't yet have enough children in the world, and marriage should only be for the creation of more children. We still have room in our orphanages.

There is a glaringly obvious reason why gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry. Once they marry, they will decide they want children. When they take our children, they will raise them to be gay. Everyone knows that gay parents will only raise gay children, just as straight parents only raise straight children. Homosexuality is a taught behavior, one that is learned from exposure. After Doctor Gleichfalls concluded his initial tests, he was ready to move on to human testing. Unfortunately, he could not foresee the effects this would have. His first experiment, a young bartender named Victor, taught the behavior to his roommate, then a bar patron, and then they began teaching people, until it had spread to encompass the thousands it now afflicts. If gay people have children, it will be all the easier for them to teach it, and it will spread even faster.

In our theocratic society, the values of the one true religion are imposed on the entire country. Gay marriage is not supported by America's sole religion. Therefore, it should not be legal. The Church and State are united, and make laws in concordance with each other, as it has always been since the days of the Founding Fathers. On our money, it says 'In God we trust'. In God's book it says that for a man to lie with another man is an abomination. If we trust in God, then why are we fighting amongst ourselves about a topic which is so obviously already dealt with? All we must do is simply read God's words that were recorded about 300 years after the death of Jesus Christ.

Quite possibly the most important reason to ban gay marriage once and for all is our children. I have already outlined why gay parents should not be allowed to have children, but there's another reason to it. Everyone knows that children can never be successful, productive members of society without both a male and a female role model in their lives. The up-rearing of children has always been done by a man and a woman. We as a society forbid, beyond the shadow of a doubt, any other scenario that does not have a child being raised by one member of both genders. Single parents and gay couples just don't fit the bill, which is why both are frowned upon.

But the simplest reason is that gay marriage will change the foundation of our society. Gay marriage, as I stated in paragraph five, is a relatively new concept, which would change social norms. We'd never be able to adapt to a new social norm. That's why we have the same lifespans as our ancestors, who lived to the ripe old age of thirty-two (if they didn't get cholera). That's why we haven't adapted to motorized transportation or web-based media. Why we haven't adapted to a government where the people make the decisions instead of a tyrannical inbred king. And why we could never adapt to gay marriage.

I hope you'll take my words to heart and join me in my crusade to stop this horrendous trend sweeping the nation. Like Bieber Fever before it, it's just a craze that will soon pass, I'm sure, but until then corrupt senators may attempt to alter the laws that are holding this country together, and may legalize this ungodly act. I cannot, dare not think about the impact this would have on our great, sovereign nation. It scares me to think of the world my children will live in should gay marriage be legal, a world of violence and corruption and raves. So please, join me, and together we can stop it before it's too late.

Author:  GhostPony750 [ Sat May 11, 2013 6:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

Wow, it's great! xD
Really convincing, but no, I won't join you. ;)

Author:  SanguinaryScientist [ Sat May 11, 2013 7:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

go back and look at all of your commas man!
Im sure you can take out some of them and use semi-colons or plain colons

Run-on sentences will be the bane of you bro

Author:  Haunted Water [ Sat May 11, 2013 7:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

All grammatical issues aside, I loved it. Satire is one of the greatest choices of humor to go with.

Author:  Charphlokenapoar [ Sat May 11, 2013 8:20 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

I am a big fan of commas, I've been told this, let's see, many times, over the last couple of years, SanguinaryScientist.

Author:  Charphlokenapoar [ Sun Nov 10, 2013 5:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

Real quick, I just wanted to say that I had to remove the story because I learned my professor was going to check for plagiarism, and when I put an excerpt of the story into Google, I was taken here. Then I forgot to put it back up. So, here it is.

And, to those who would tell me of run-ons and commas I should avoid, know that they are there for a reason.

Author:  CuteKirlia [ Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay


I agree with the general sentiment, (there's no such thing as evolution of a species outside of Pokemon) but I find that you lack the statistical data and/or solid support to prove your side of the issue. Example; it is not true that the parents teach their children... marriage values like that, always. One can have straight parents and their own attractional agenda, partially due to society and personal tastes they develop over the years. I have the idea that this lack of perpicious facts might have been something you intended, or such. As to gramerical issues, trust me when I say I see no difference between ; and : thus meaning I care not for grammar.

Well-enough structured. But, the fridge/dog marriage is mildly disturbing...

Why did I read this all the way through? I'm barely a teenager, I ought to not have opinions on these things, let alone post them online...

Author:  The Pokemon Master [ Mon Nov 11, 2013 11:12 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

our country is not completely natural after all we've modified plants and animals to suit our needs, and some of my friends in high school were gay so you don't get my vote. also pharmaceutical companies have been dumping their waste in the rivers so there are male fish laying eggs. also a man did marry his dog in vegas and his neighbors in new York called the cops on him.

Author:  Charphlokenapoar [ Mon Nov 11, 2013 11:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

Guys... satire. It's a joke paper meant to be funny, poking fun at people who believe this way. I'm a total supporter of gay marriage and rights. Why, I attended my cousin's gay wedding not two months ago.

In doing research for this paper (yes, I did research), I asked a friend of mine who is completely against gay marriage why he thinks it should be banned. The argument 'straight parents only raise straight children, gay parents only raise gay children' is actually something he said, among a few of the other arguments. I just about laughed in his face. There's not meant to be any statistical data to back up what I say, and in truth the little bit of research I did was too much. My plan was to do no research whatsoever as a further form of mockery, making fun of those who shout their opinions without any knowledge of what they say.

'Twas only a... modest proposal. Hah! Get it? Because of the... never mind.

Author:  CuteKirlia [ Tue Nov 12, 2013 5:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

Uh, I actually don't know what satire is. So, sorry if I... I dunno, made things awkward.
And I get the proposal joke. Har har har.

Author:  Charphlokenapoar [ Tue Nov 12, 2013 8:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Satirical Essay

That's quite alright. In the original post, I explained that I was joking, but since I deleted it and reposted it, I forgot to put that back up. I'll edit it to make sure that's clear.

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